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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A photo of my son sent to Dad I've no contact with

64 replies

ZingyKoala · 10/07/2025 15:43

This is tough to write and probably one for a therapist!

My parents separated when I was little and my Dad was basically absent. He was inconsistent and bad for me. I have zero contact for maybe 15 years.

I have a seven year old son. I recently have been I touch with a member of my Dad's family. They seem a really nice, genuine person. Today they met my son for the first time and took a photo. We had a really lovely time and I'd like to continue the relationship but I just received an email to my email address from my birth Dad after many years saying he saw a photo of my son and he's very handsome etc.

I feel so twisted right now and don't know what to think. AIBU to feel weird?

OP posts:
JadeJoker · 10/07/2025 16:50

I would message relative asking if they sent the photo onto your dad

they might be mortified and say no, I sent to my mum she must of passed it on.

do you know 100% it was this 40 year old woman

notsochattysue · 10/07/2025 16:54

My daughter is no contact with her birth father. She was meeting with a member of his family who had become friendly, didn’t push any agenda and made no attempt to talk about her dad on their meetings. However, he was feeding everything back to her father and he turned up at a public event daughter was going to (she mentioned it to the other family member)

Daughter was really shaken when he approached her and he said he did it in a public place so she wouldn’t be cross! She was gutted because she trusted the family members. She felt duped. I imagine you do too op.

Delphiniumandlupins · 10/07/2025 16:54

Did the relative share the photo with a family group or just send it to your father? If it was with a group they may not have thought closely about who all was in the group and may have been looking at it as a nice picture of their DC. Regardless, I would contact them and make it very clear you do not want any photos or information being shared about you or your son.

lunar1 · 10/07/2025 16:58

I’d never see them again if someone sent pictures of my boys to my dad! What an awful thing to do. I completely understand how odd you must feel right now.

FigTreeInEurope · 10/07/2025 17:04

All that will do, is make a foolish old man realize the consequences of his behaviour.

RawBloomers · 10/07/2025 17:08

OP, I know you’re feeling shaken and betrayed, but what are you fearing are going to be the negative outcomes of this? Is there a safety worry?

Original poster
ZingyKoala · 10/07/2025 17:14

JadeJoker · 10/07/2025 16:48

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread but

Is there a chance your relative sent the photo to someone else who has then sent to your dad?

The email mentions they sent them the photo

OP posts:
Original poster
ZingyKoala · 10/07/2025 17:16

RawBloomers · 10/07/2025 17:08

OP, I know you’re feeling shaken and betrayed, but what are you fearing are going to be the negative outcomes of this? Is there a safety worry?

No, apologies if I made it seem that way. I assume they wouldn't give Dad my address

I'm shaken in that I'm thrown by the situation, rather than being worried for safety

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2025 18:13

@ZingyKoala

I don't blame you for being shaken. But I think I'd probably not be angry at them unless you've specifically said that you actually want NC with your birth father rather than just "I haven't heard from him in years".

If you have specifically told them you want NC, I'd probably tear a strip off them be less than polite in telling them that they have way overstepped the mark in sending him a picture that had your DC in it.

Otherwise I'd probably say "You sent my father a picture of my DC. He has contacted me and it was a bit upsetting as I do not wish to hear from him. I know we didn't specifically discuss it, but in future please do not send photos of my DC to or discuss us with my father. I am no contact with him and wish it to stay that way".

youreactinglikeafunmum · 10/07/2025 18:15

You shouldn't have had contact with the relative, sorry

They were probably easily manipulated and thought they were helping. Or they were being fucking cruel to start drama. Either way, cut the relative off, and anymore of his relatives.

Yanbu x

EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/07/2025 18:19

I'd reply to say that I was disappointed as you didn't want him seeing your DC.
He is a stranger who has no right to contact you.
He has once again displayed selfish behaviour.
I hope you are okay.
I wouldn't be speaking to the relative again either. Sly fox.

NightPuffins · 10/07/2025 18:28

Playing devils advocate, the mutual relative might have seen no harm in sharing a photo of your son because a still image is just that, it isn’t having “contact”.

If you are otherwise enjoying having a relationship with this person and want to keep that going, you should perhaps have a conversation to make your boundaries clear.

I appreciate it’s difficult though, as she may well continue sharing photos behind your back and you’ll never know. If it was me in your situation, I’m not sure I could find it in me to trust her.

Cheeseplantandcrackers · 10/07/2025 18:34

I think it depends on your relationship with this person. Are you upset enough to break down the relationship over this (which is fine) or could explain that in future you don’t want them to relay any information about yourself or your child to your father which includes photos?

RawBloomers · 10/07/2025 18:35

ZingyKoala · 10/07/2025 17:16

No, apologies if I made it seem that way. I assume they wouldn't give Dad my address

I'm shaken in that I'm thrown by the situation, rather than being worried for safety

Show quote history

Don’t apologise, I’m just checking.

I’m glad there are no safety concerns (at all? Or is there a concern if your dad does get your address? If you have any safety concerns around your dad please disregard the rest of this post, it’s not appropriate.)

I would suggest you take your time to let things sit for a while and see how you feel after the shock has worn off. If there are no safety concerns, him having a photo is irrelevant to you really, you know his email address and can block it. You can make him irrelevant again. The lack of control you feel about the photo being shared is not a nice feeling, but it isn’t necessarily something you have to let affect you going forward.

I don’t think this negates the betrayal from your relative. I just think these are two separate things. Work out how to get yourself back to a state of equilibrium over your dad. Separately consider if this is a serious betrayal from your relative, or just a misunderstanding/mismatch on how you view the situation and the relative’s intent is still good/on your side enough. People have very different ideas about the appropriate use of photos. The concern over sharing images is fairly recent and not universal. Men and women, for example, tend to have very different attitudes as do different generations.

If you think your relative is well intentioned and will be upset that they did something that upset you, then you probably have a good chance of getting back to a god place with them, if you want to. Just be very clear with them that you don’t want anything at all sharing with your Dad. It’s probably worth asking them if they have mentioned anything else to him. But if you think you just can’t trust them to respect you in this, I would put them on the back burner and, obviously, not give them access to anything your don’t want your dad to know.

Tennislives · 10/07/2025 18:36

What a horrible thing to do.
Such a sneaky thing to do.

I wouldn't want to see them again and they would know it.

BeeCucumber · 10/07/2025 18:42

Your relative is not well intentioned and knew exactly what they were doing. Clearly they are not to be trusted - imagine meeting them in the park and your Dad turned up. I suspect this is their agenda and you are being softened up to accept your Dad in your life because he’s an old man and wants a second chance with his grandchild.

Beware of the flying monkeys!

Original poster
ZingyKoala · 10/07/2025 18:43

No safety concerns, he wasn't violent. More absent/inconsistent/toxic.

My husband is really angry this person has done this but did say I should have set boundaries sooner. Explained we're not in touch and don't ever want to be.

My Dad plays the victim, he's ran into people at gatherings and played the victim that I'm not in touch

OP posts:
Bollihobs · 10/07/2025 18:54

ZingyKoala · 10/07/2025 17:16

No, apologies if I made it seem that way. I assume they wouldn't give Dad my address

I'm shaken in that I'm thrown by the situation, rather than being worried for safety

Show quote history

Apologies if this has already been said but given the sending of the photo I wouldn't assume anything about this person or how they'll behave. I'd make it very clear how much of a boundary they've crossed and link it to the "and so obvs i need to check that you haven't disclosed my address and understand that you mustn't ever do that. "

At the end of the day this is entirely your call to say "no contact means NO contact" this relative doesn't get to do things their way.

And you can block an email sender's address if you don't want to risk further emails from your Dad, or anyone else.

Lrichy13 · 10/07/2025 18:56

Did they send it to him directly or post it on social media, show to another family member rather than them sending it directly?

Original poster
ZingyKoala · 10/07/2025 18:59

The email suggests they sent it direct. They don't have social media and the email says they sent it

The email also reads like 'I'm an old man, feel sorry for me etc'

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/07/2025 19:05

Of course he plays the victim card, most weak absent fathers do, it is easier for him than the truth.

JustSawJohnny · 10/07/2025 20:23

I'm so sorry you've had your boundaries stamped all over, OP. It's really jarring and stirs things up when you were happy letting them lie.

Blocking your Dad, at least for now, might help you relax and know nothing more is coming.

As far as the family member, I think you should message them and let them know that you were not happy to be contacted by your Dad or to hear that he had been sent photos of your child. State that you obviously hadn't been clear enough with them that you have no plans to build bridges with him and you do not want him involved with DS.

It's a shame because you obviously enjoyed the day and would want to stay in touch with them, but they need to understand that a relationship does rely on them respecting your wishes.

Don't be made to feel bad for setting firm boundaries. You want them for a reason.

JustSawJohnny · 10/07/2025 20:26

Beware of the flying monkeys!

THIS!

Don't be guilted into doing something you don't want to do, OP.

I'm sure many of his side of the family would readily come with the excuses for him but their opinions and manipulations don't matter.

Original poster
ZingyKoala · 10/07/2025 20:30

I think I got hit with a wave of guilt at the time and now I'm genuinely confused. The person I met earlier is the LAST person you'd think this of (or I'm very naive!)

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 10/07/2025 20:32

That is massively out of order and I think you should probably tell this person exactly that. You’re not going to trust them again, so if you don’t say something you’ll end up just making excuses not to see them and it will get awkward. You’ll probably end up having to explain why you’re not the same with them, so it’s probably better to just deal with it head on now. What they did was completely unacceptable and you have every right to be furious, I certainly would be. I’d be calm and polite when telling them that they’ve done something wrong, it’s best to keep your cool if you can, but I’d be bloody seething on the inside. It’s just really shocking that they could possibly have thought it was okay.