Looking after baby while knackered

[BothVeryTired]

Me and my partner are both very tired with a seven month old who wakes all night. I get a bit less sleep but am also more functional on low sleep, he is on medication that makes him sleepier as well. I could really do with some time in the day to rest and/or work. However my partner is literally falling asleep where he sits in about ten seconds of sitting down. He says that he is fine to look after baby as long as they get out of the house. This is something that makes me nervous but have been trying to trust his judgement on it. On the other hand I’ve more than once seen him judge mistakenly whether or not he can stay awake, including when he said he was fine to supervise a contact nap for me and baby in newborn days.

Today I have said that in this very hot weather and with him even tireder than usual I don’t feel comfortable with him taking the baby out at noon, although he says he can be mostly in shade and will definitely stay awake. I am just looking after the baby right through as can’t feel comfortable with that.

For context I work one day a week from home, spread across the whole week. He works part time four evenings a week. I do night wakes, he often does first morning shift (which i’m not feeling that sure about but would otherwise be on less than 4 hrs sleep right now, and then I won’t be safe).

Added context to avoid a dripfeed- He has more downtime (i.e. any at all), including playing computer games after work, which I think would be fair enough for an hour but it’s three or more this week so then of course he’s nodding off all day.

AIBU to not want him taking the baby out at midday in a heatwave while he can’t keep his eyes open?

It really depends on his medication and medical condition that requires it. Maybe you should both go to speak to his doctor. Overwise he should be able to safely look after your daughter as well as you can, but also occasionally as poorly as any over sleep deprived parent does.

Mine is 11 months now and we've both had moments that were not text book safe but we have to trust ourselves and eachother to look after him, give each other rest, and that everything will be fine which it has

Thing is that the medication is necessary and I don’t mind that that puts some things, like night wakes, more on my plate than his (breastfeeding anyway so probably not that different). But staying up late then being so tired that i feel anxious about him being in charge feels unnecessary and unfair!

But I don’t have any reason to distrust him keeping the baby safe out of the house, and I know I’m probably verging on PNA about some things. I kind of want to be told that yes IABU, but it feels visceral when he’s falling asleep over and over in an uncomfortable chair to not just wave them off for an hour. Especially when it’s so hot and needs extra care taken.

How would he fall asleep while out walking? I assume he’s not planning to take the baby out and then immediately sit down somewhere.

New babies are hard work. Sleep deprivation is tough but it normally passes.

He's not new, he's 7 months!

If the baby is in a robust buggy, great! If he's thinking of driving anywhere, nope.

As a pp said, he can't fall asleep standing up... can he?!

The gaming for hours would piss me off. We have an 11 month old and we go to bed at 9.30 so that we can both be functional the next day. I'm working full time so he cannot rely on me to do everything anymore.

But even when I was on mat leave, DH was on baby duty the second he walked in.

Put baby in nursery a few days a week so you can work?

Well if they’re hanging out in shade maybe on a bench or something

Is he actually getting enough sleep, or is he staying up gaming when he should be sleeping?

If he is, it sounds like he needs to go back to his doctor as clearly the medication isn’t helping as much as it could and may need a dose adjustment if he’s still falling asleep randomly.

yes, having a young baby that doesn’t sleep through the night is exhausting, but it doesn’t sound like this is just that for your partner. Does he work full-time hours?

I can understand why you don’t want him to take the baby. If he’s likely to just walk then it should be ok. If you think he’s likely to stop and sit down where he could fall asleep I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Could you join him today and see how he is?

If you only have 1 baby

you do shifts One one whole night, his night / your night.
The one off duty wears earplugs.
Everyone is in bed with no electronics by 10.
ensure baby’s room has somewhere you can lie down too
get good coffee…

As long as he's not driving, I wouldn't be too concerned personally.

How rousable is he when he drops off? What about baby?

If baby is asleep in a pram and he sits and drops off, whether that's safe or not really depends on this questions above. I'd do it occasionally myself in a park, wedging my foot in the basket out something. The main thing is would he wake if someone moved baby or if baby needed him.

It sounds like he’s saying he would keep moving though, to avoid that situation?

This issue aside, the larger issue seems to be his sleep patterns, his gaming, and your anxiety about his ability to safely and effectively parent. Have you addressed these with him directly?

True. TBF, that's how I coped with that knackered. Much easier to stay awake when out.

Yes, keeping moving and he also says being outside wakes him up more anyway.

I guess I’m getting quite pissed off about the gaming/sleep hygiene as he’s not really able to power through because of the medication, if he was then it would feel more like it’s just up to him to be sleep deprived. In general I think he’s a wonderful parent but I was very anxious early on and I think he’s reading this very specific anxiety as a comment on his parenting generally.

I’m think this is the issue really, the gaming thing, but I probably make it sound like a bigger or more general issue then he feels defensive. It’s hard to be emotionally intelligent on 5 hours sleep.

Don’t really want to put him in nursery this little, although i know it does suit many families. We might use a part time nanny soon for some work hours for me, who will cost most of my hourly salary but I think would be good for both our sanity. But I think I offended my partner today by bringing that up in the context of not letting him take the baby out while he was nodding off.

To me it’s sounds like your issue is the late night gaming (completely reasonable) and you are trying to perhaps raise your concerns over him safely looking after your child with the hope the penny will drop and he will say “you’re right, I need to have an earlier night”

So I think YABU by not just saying the gaming is effecting his parenting and he needs to get more sleep.

Your baby is only going to get more energetic - they may start sleeping better but some sleep like this for years without intervention. I think you should nip this in the bud now - if he’s so tired he’s at risk of falling asleep on a park bench while looking after the baby then you can’t trust him.

We got a part time nanny when my son was 5 months and it saved my sanity. Nursery can work well too, they are very caring in those settings.

But your DH is the bigger issue. Honestly at this age you should both be maximising sleep.

Gaming for hours is not compatible with being a dad to a small baby. It just isn't.

Medication or not, no one could cope with such little sleep. He is sabotaging himself at your expense and that is not ok. You need to explain to him that his life is work, sleep and baby duties. I mean, you shouldn't need to, but sometimes men children need it spelling out.

Also this. At 11 months, my baby is a hell of a lot more exhausting than at 7 months. From the second he opens his eyes he is walking or climbing or crawling under something. There is no option to have a moment of peace to have a coffee if I am by myself. So your DH will very soon not have the option of just pushing a pram along while being tired.

And when teething starts - yikes. My baby is a good sleeper except when teething or ill and that is actually quite often at this age. It's all hands on deck when the poor boy is teething, he wakes every 2 hours and no amount of calpol and nurofen does the trick, only cuddles from mum & dad.

What's he on? Pregabalin?

The pair of you are barely working during the week, why aren't you sleeping more during the day?

So he is capable of sitting and gaming for hours but the minute you ask him to sit down with baby he starts to nod off? Did I read that right

Obviously his priorities are wrong.

Have you considered sending baby into nursery for a day a week so you can get some rest during the day, do you have any friends or family that can help?

Utilitse the fact there are 2 of you. One has a lay in on the Saturday, one has a lay in on the Sunday.

No need for you to both be up with baby at the same time

Yep, not utilising this enough and not taking it in turns to get a rest in

Does he sit down to game for three hours?
Does he fall asleep mid game?

It sounds as if you both need to take some opportunities to sleep/nap during the day. I wonder if you're both so sleep deprived that you are not making sensible decisions? He does first shift in the morning while you sleep. When you get up he goes to bed for a few hours. Then you switch again for the afternoon.

Is it the meds or is it the last night gaming, OP? I bet he is up gaming later than he says.

Neither of you are working many hours and your OH is working unsociable hours and then coming home and gaming. If he is up gaming anyway, why can't he be with your baby when baby wakes at night?