Looking after baby while knackered

[BothVeryTired]

Me and my partner are both very tired with a seven month old who wakes all night. I get a bit less sleep but am also more functional on low sleep, he is on medication that makes him sleepier as well. I could really do with some time in the day to rest and/or work. However my partner is literally falling asleep where he sits in about ten seconds of sitting down. He says that he is fine to look after baby as long as they get out of the house. This is something that makes me nervous but have been trying to trust his judgement on it. On the other hand I’ve more than once seen him judge mistakenly whether or not he can stay awake, including when he said he was fine to supervise a contact nap for me and baby in newborn days.

Today I have said that in this very hot weather and with him even tireder than usual I don’t feel comfortable with him taking the baby out at noon, although he says he can be mostly in shade and will definitely stay awake. I am just looking after the baby right through as can’t feel comfortable with that.

For context I work one day a week from home, spread across the whole week. He works part time four evenings a week. I do night wakes, he often does first morning shift (which i’m not feeling that sure about but would otherwise be on less than 4 hrs sleep right now, and then I won’t be safe).

Added context to avoid a dripfeed- He has more downtime (i.e. any at all), including playing computer games after work, which I think would be fair enough for an hour but it’s three or more this week so then of course he’s nodding off all day.

AIBU to not want him taking the baby out at midday in a heatwave while he can’t keep his eyes open?

It depends what medication he is on.

I don’t understand how you’re both so tired when there are 2 of you and you both work part time.

You should both easily be able to get a good 8 hours sleep every night at least.

He's just as much a parent as you, I get that he's on medication but he needs to be trusted to make the right decision. If the shoe were on the other foot, and he was judging you/second guessing you and how safe you were around your own baby then I think you'd be fuming. If he can be awake to game then why can't he be awake/looking after the baby. Also if the baby is waking, surely the crying wakes him? You generally don't have to stare at an asleep baby when they're napping or in their cot, you can wait until the noise stirs you.
I'd check with the medication as to whether he should be driving/operating anything, it may say no and in which case he obviously should stick to that, but if the baby is in a pushchair or pram, and he's walking around I just don't see the issue.
Once you start trusting him, you'll be able to nap/sleep when he has the baby and will be more awake and happy, so it'll be a virtuous circle too. Instead of gaming, he probably should sleep or do childcare but if he's not "allowed" the baby he probably wonders why he should bother anyway.

Surely he should have the baby while you're working, and you have the baby while hes working? Neither of you work much (good for you) so what do you do for the rest of the time, why don't you both have time to relax/sleep if you need to?

I'd definitely put a stop to the daily, late night gaming if it negatively impacted on family life.

Answering everyone all together here - yes he does fall asleep when he’s gaming, but it’s obviously not very restorative! I do sleep when he does first shift but the baby is currently waking up around 8 times a night so i still barely get 5 hrs total. He gets home around 10 or 11pm, depending on buses, obviously has to eat but then is coming to bed at 2 or 3, whereas i feel 12 to 1 would be reasonable.

A couple of weeks ago it was all just about hanging together, he came up a bit earlier and did take opportunies to sleep in the day a bit, but as the baby’s sleep has got awful again it seems like he’s doing the opposite of what would be helpful in terms of keeping himself functioning.

He does find bits of time to game in the day as well, if he’d either sleep and do housework when he has time in the day or come up to bed a lot earlier I think it’d all feel a lot more fair and manageable.

Just editing to add that he is doing housework and baby stuff not just constantly sitting around gaming if that’s how it sounds. But obviously i have no leisure time at all and am struggling to rest and work. But maybe that’s on me for not just saying take the baby in whatever state you’re in?

Can he work more so you can pay for some childcare?
Are you on mat leave?

I’m on SMP and earn a higher rate than him so need/want to be working a bit more from now. I think getting going with the part time nanny will probably really help, it is all viscous/virtuous circles of sleep deprivation and decision making, so just a bit more breathing space will hopefully get us both back to our best selves.

thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions

Perhaa childminder would help that and throwing out the games machine

OP when my youngest child was born I was taking highly sedative medication and I was STILL getting up and doing every night feed, getting up every morning to do school run.

My partner was also taking sedative medications and he wasn't falling asleep at the drop of the hat.

Im sorry but your partner is making up some real bullshit excuses here. He can game for hours and not fall asleep. Basically hes telling you in a subtle way that he CAN stay awake but only if he deems it good for himself.

Honestly at this point all you can do is snooze when your baby has his nap. Because your partner isnt willing to pull his weight. He can do it, he can also do it safely hes just playing the learned helplessness card so he doesn't have to do it

What time does he go to work?

Could you go to bed early and he put the baby to bed, then once he’s gone to work you can take over.

It means you’ll get more sleep because you’ll be going to bed earlier and you won’t be so resentful when you have to wake up in the night/early.

It’s fine for him to game/go to sleep late but it’s not fine if he’s getting a decent amount of sleep and you’re not.

He’s out 3.30pm till 10 or 11pm so the morning is when I have him around too, and he’s never been great at mornings. I’m hopeful current bad sleep is teething related as if it was just a little better I think we’d have a workable routine again. It just doesn’t have wiggle room for this kind of disruption.

Thing is that he feels that he can completely safely look after him, it’s me that is anxious about it, so while i’m a bit annoyed I don’t think he’s being that shit. He was hurt by me saying i didn’t want him to take him this afternoon as he was too tired

I don’t understand why you’re not both trying to catch up on sleep in the day if he doesn’t start work until 3?

I would also say I have a terrible sleeper (now 2, still terrible) and I absolutely can only cope by getting out of the house so I don’t blame him for that and would encourage that.

The late night gaming is unfair of him though.

I had a child that didn't sleep. There are parts of my life that I have no memory of because of sleep deprivation. It's easy to blame the issues you are having on the baby not sleeping - but the baby is doing fine, it's the parents that are not coping.

So my advice is to sit down with your husband and discuss what you can do so that you in particular can have more sleep. Your baby is 7 months old now, so will be starting to take food other than breast milk, so it might be possible to space some feeds further apart - remembering that milk is still the primary source of nourishment and that you don't have to feed solids at the usual times - it's parental sleep you're trying to achieve here, not regular meal times.

At one time, my DH came home from work to a fed baby and I went to bed for 6 hours. (6 - 12). Then he went to bed and I did the rest of the night. Yes, we didn't eat together or have family time - those were luxuries we couldn't afford at the time we were so desperate for sleep. Another thing we did was to make our sitting room a child safe zone. When we were on our own with baby, we put toys on the floor, a children's video on (I had one that played for 3 hours!) and just lay on the floor and slept. Sometimes it was for a short time, sometimes baby would curl up and nap too, but we always woke when needed. Perhaps you could try something like that? Think out of the box and remember that your priority is for both of you to get more sleep. Anything else comes behind that. Good luck, and remember, this too will pass.

Why does he work so little? 🤨

I agree with this.

Most people really don't have the luxury of it being a 2 man job to look after one 7 month old...

Are you both ok health wise? I know babies affect sleep, but that’s a whole lot of tiredness for not many working hours.

Goodness me! This sounds like children having children. Neither of you are working many hours. Surely you can sort this out?

He needs to quit the gaming so you can both get some rest. My husband has just started gaming regularly again now and our eldest is 5. Before now he just didn't have time with full time work and pulling his weight at home.

I also think you should talk to you health visitor or doctor about the anxiety - I think it's justified to be worried but maybe you're spiralling now as it's quite unlikely he will fall asleep on a park bench if he takes the baby for a walk. This is what my husband did - I did all the nights then he'd get up early and go out for an hour and I could sleep.

I feel like you just don’t have a routine. You have so much spare time, neither of you work full time. This shouldn’t be a hard one to fix! Get more structure in your lives and you might find you have more energy. You’ve not got a tiny baby, he’s 7 months now. Your OH should not be staying up gaming and then being too tired to look after the baby.

Why are you both so tired? You don’t even work a full-time job between you

Well that's life with a baby. You're not working full time between the two of you at the moment by the sounds of it so you're in a better position than a lot of families to get rest, leisure and family time.

If your OH is up gaming all night then that's obviously going to cause him to be tired, he needs to grow up and prioritise his health if not getting a decent amount of sleep affects him so badly he can't even sit on a bench without nodding off.

Everyone and his dog tells new parents to get into a routine and to sleep when the baby sleeps. Quite good advice for most, but when it is delivered in a smug manner to parents who are totally exhausted is rarely well received.

Some babies do not sleep - yes, I know that is a very difficult concept for parents whose children sleep like angels, but it is a fact. Mine probably slept for 6/24 as a newborn - mostly while breastfeeding - and did little better for the next 4 years. In fact, they were 4 when they slept for a 7 hour stretch overnight, aided by medication, and that was prescribed for another medical reason. Eventually, melatonin was prescribed, but that was after years of chronic sleep shortage for us, the parents. As an adult, that child rarely sleeps for more than 6 hours at a time, but can now nap when an opportunity presents itself.

Please do not blame parents for a child not sleeping and do not tell them to let the baby self soothe. In my experience, that led to what is now called purple crying - and that is a nightmare when you're an exhausted parent.

I’m still stuck on “supervising a contact nap” I have no idea what that means

I actually mean that no one in this house has a routine!

it sounds like that they only work briefly and spend the rest of the time doing meaningless things.

no where did I suggest the baby should be left!

I know you didn't and my diatribe was not being aimed particularly at you, but for those who do what I described. I did say that advice about getting into a routine does work for most. It's when that becomes judgemental and then the rest of what I said comes out (and honestly I heard it all as a new parent, mostly from smug parents with children the same age) led me to think that I was offering both general advice to those who have not suffered experienced a sleepless child and solidarity to those going through it.

I am sorry that I posted something that seems to have a go at you, personally. It really wasn't my intention but I can see why you thought I was. This is Mumsnet, after all.