Ex being difficult about me seeing our child when he is in work

[Doolallyally]

Ex works long hours, he will be remaining in the family home and I’ll be living a few miles away. Ex has a bee in his bonnet about the fact that I’m claiming child benefit for our oldest. He now has an issue with me seeing DS when he’s in work (DS coming to me) He says I’m trying to deceive him and taking his son away from him by him being with me when he’s in work??
He was so reasonable in the beginning but the mask is now slipping. He knows he can use our son against me as our son loves the family home. He’s asked our son what it is that he wants but where does that leave me?
The agreement was 50/50 and obviously when one is working and the other off then DS would be with the other parent. Now he’s got an issue with me seeing DS when he’s working! WTF!
He says he’s old enough to sit in the house on his own after school until 8pm. (He’s 13) Yes he is occasionally but I’ll need to see him too. Hes being very difficult already and it gives me a bad feeling.

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I’m confused. Are you doing 50/50 successfully and you want to have you son as extra during your partners time or is he withholding your son so you’re getting less than 50/50?

If the agreement is 50/50 then it's his day and childcare options are upto him. I understand why you want to see your son and I personally would be happy for the other parent to have the child but it is his day. Is the agreement court ordered?

Has anyone asked the 13 year old what he wants to do?

Nothing has gone through the court, we are hoping to sort everything out ourselves. When he’s working it would officially be my day to have DS and when I’m in work DS would stay with ex. He’s after primary carer status of DS and wants the child benefit and £400 universal credit. I’m not working right now but will be returning to a part time position soon.

Personally I think it’s ridiculous for a child to be alone if there is another parent able to have them. Not necessarily to actively parent but just be available, talk about the day, eat dinner together type stuff. I share kids with my ex and they’d absolutely head over if I’m not here unless other plans even the soon to be 15yo. It’s fine for him to be alone at 13 but not every day and should be allowed to make his own, honest, choices without emotional manipulation.

Are you inviting your son to yours when he should be alone at dad’s?
Your ex is right about 13 being old enough to be home alone until 8pm. He’s also right that your son is legally old enough to choose how much contact he has with each parent. (Assuming UK) If ds said he wanted 100% dad 0% you then a court would allow that.

We haven’t started anything yet, it’s early days and we are still discussing how everything will work out. I’m still living in the family home and moving out next week.

How absolutely ridiculous your ex is being. He’s putting his own feelings above that of his child. Yes, a 13 year old could stay home alone, but why would anyone want that if the child wants to spend time with the other parent who’s available. is he stopping you seeing your ds during HIS time, or would this be your 50% ? Sorry it’s not very clear

Are you now divorced? Has the financial order gone through? If not why have you moved out, another option is to move back in the marital home

It doesn't really sound as if you can avoid court really.

If you have 50/50 then you don't have a right to see him on his Dads time and if his Dad is at work then it is up to his Dad what if any child care is in place. I would expect a 13 year old to be able to stay until 8 a couple of evenings a week. If the 13 year old wants to come to you and Dad is refusing then maybe you need to go back and get the custody arrangements changed. Ultimately if he doesn't listen to DS wants he will damage his relationship with him. If on the other hand DS is happy to stay on his own and it is you that is pushing for him to come to you then I don't think you can do much about it

Well the way he's being this early on, I think you may end up having to go to court. It doesn't sound like he's going to be reasonable.

How would he claim UC on 47,000 income?

Yes that’s what I was trying to say to ex. If I’m available a couple of miles away I can’t imagine not seeing DS if he’s on his own. We will be very fluid as it’s early days. Obviously we need to discuss everything with DS and ask him what he wants. I worry that ex will involve his family and arrange for them to be with DS after school instead of me seeing him.

I’ve done a benefit calculator and apparently he would get that? I will have to check again. Unless it would mean me losing £400 per month but ex getting nothing anyway?

Is it possible for you and your ex to sit down together with your DS to discuss what’s best for him? Do you both feel able to keep things calm and respectful so it doesn’t turn into an argument in front of him?

He’s old enough now to have a say and decide what feels right for him.

I’d definitely suggest starting with working out what 50/50 care would look like. From what I’ve seen, kids often just want things to feel fair and balanced between both parents - they really don’t want to feel stuck in the middle.

The most important thing is making sure the conversation doesn’t become about point-scoring or guilt-tripping - it needs to stay focused on what’s best for your DS, after all that's what it's about. Not the Child Benefit or UC.

I worry that ex will involve his family and arrange for them to be with DS after school instead of me seeing him.

But that is the reality of 50/50. Your days with you or whoever is giving childcare and the same for ex.

It’s a difficult one as his shifts are all over the place so nothing can be set in stone. It would be random every week. The only other option is me staying in the family home after school with DS until ex comes home.

I would not leave the family home. I would not want my ex to be the primary carer and I think me leaving would be seen as that. Not clear if he's a husband or partner? I would rethink moving out until there is an arrangement you're totally happy with - and I still wouldn't move out tbh.

He can inly claim UC if he’s earning under a set amount, it won’t necessarily be £400 either.

TBH if he’s being a twat already about contact, which is being driven by money, is not move out until you’ve got it all settled legally. It’ll only get worse when you’re not in the home as he’ll have the ability to be more of a twat

I would personally be looking in to mediation and legal help. It doesn’t sound like this can be dealt with between the two of you without it getting toxic.

At 13 it'd your son's decision. Whilst he is old enough to be home alone, a teen, with parents divorcing mum moving out, would benefit from care/supervision. It's a very tricky age so I don't think it's wise to leave him alone for too long.

Do you have a new partner?

My kids often come to my house after school Ont he days where they then stay with their dad as I wfh most the week. We both live within walking distance to school. Why wouldn’t your son be with you if you’re home?

That. You need someone impartial to help you all with through this. Trying to do it yourself isn't working already.

You don't currently work and are moving out (to what?) with 50/50 child split does that mean you aren't entitled to any money from your ex either? It sounds like a vulnerable position to put yourself into.

Do you mean CM? I’ll have our youngest 70% of the time too. I’m moving to a HA property.

I do think we need to look into having mediation at some point. His comments are worrying when he says I’m deceitful and trying to take our son away from him which I’m not.