Ex being difficult about me seeing our child when he is in work

[Doolallyally]

Ex works long hours, he will be remaining in the family home and I’ll be living a few miles away. Ex has a bee in his bonnet about the fact that I’m claiming child benefit for our oldest. He now has an issue with me seeing DS when he’s in work (DS coming to me) He says I’m trying to deceive him and taking his son away from him by him being with me when he’s in work??
He was so reasonable in the beginning but the mask is now slipping. He knows he can use our son against me as our son loves the family home. He’s asked our son what it is that he wants but where does that leave me?
The agreement was 50/50 and obviously when one is working and the other off then DS would be with the other parent. Now he’s got an issue with me seeing DS when he’s working! WTF!
He says he’s old enough to sit in the house on his own after school until 8pm. (He’s 13) Yes he is occasionally but I’ll need to see him too. Hes being very difficult already and it gives me a bad feeling.

Reposted here for more traffic.

I worry that ex will involve his family and arrange for them to be with DS after school instead of me seeing him.

This is exactly how it works when you split though; you organise childcare on your time, and he organises it on his. There’s no rule that the child automatically goes to their other parent.

Benefit calculators are notoriously incorrect and inaccurate. You need to do a manual calculation based on his specific circumstances.

Be warned though - both of you can't claim for the same child, it will be one or the other.

I'd also be very hesitant about leaving the family home. You are putting yourself in a precarious position. 50/50 shared care can work, but not usually when one parent has shifts which change each week. The child needs stability, not things chopping and changing all the time.

If you enter 47,000 into a benefits calculator it says this is a very high salary and would be ineligible for benefits. (except child benefit). If you are living alone and not working you could claim but him having custody of your son wouldn't transfer the UC to him.

Exactly! If I’m around why wouldn’t he? It makes no sense that ex would have a problem with that

At thirteen he probably enjoys his time alone. He's not a baby anymore.

Ahh ok. I must be wrong then. I thought it would automatically transfer to him.

Yes he does enjoy his time alone too. TBH most of the time he’s alone in his room gaming or chatting to friends but I’m making his food, eating with him, chatting about his day and making sure he does any homework etc.

Is your ex concerned that if your son goes to your house after school and ex collects him at 8pm because it’s his night then ds will end up feeling resentful and annoyed at the palaver of switching at 8pm and would rather stay at yours as he’s already there? That could end up with you having an extra night be stealth iyswim.
As for paternal family watching ds instead, dad’s time is when they should see ds and ice he’s not happy alone then he’d have company.

If the agreement is 50/50 (and I'm not saying it should be), then it is up to ex what happens on his time.

When it's your weekend - will you be happy if ex turns up and takes DS out for the day? Or would you expect that you are in charge of what happens in your time and that ex stays away?

I think you have to get something agreed formally. But you can't expect to just encroach on his time as and when you like without his agreement, whatever arrangements you make.

She doesn't say she wants him in ex's time. She says "When he’s working it would officially be my day to have DS and when I’m in work DS would stay with ex.".
I presumed ex wants son in her time to give him primary parent status to claim child benefit.

I've responded based on your OP in which it seems clear that you want your son on the father's day if the father is in work. YABU. It's not for you to interfere with the childcare decisions taken by father on his days. At 13 anyway he is old enought to be left on his own.

Your later posts seem to suggest that it's not that at all and that he is objecting to your son being with you on your days. Which doesn't make any sense so I'm sticking with my original view.

How long would 13 year old be on his own for whilst his dad’s working? Can he make his own dinner etc

You said the agreement was 50/50 in your OP
I believe that usually means no money paid by either side. How are you dividing property? (Assuming married)

I read it as she is expecting her work days to be ex time and his work days to be her time but that isn't 50/50. 50/50 is 4 days one week 3 the next or 1 week with Mum 1 week with Dad.

Could you ask your son what he wants? I feel like he is old enough to have a say

for example if you’re having your son on Fridays to Mondays and your ex does Tuesday - Thursday but will be at work from the time DS is home from school until 8pm then I feel like DS can have a say in if he would prefer to be home alone until dads home and do himself dinner etc, or would he prefer his mum picking him up and doing dinner for him, help with homework etc

If he was 8 it would be different, 13 is old enough for a say imo

At 13 he can stay home alone if he wants to. At 13 in court he is old enough to be listened to himself anyway, if he says he wants to be with dad or you, that’s what will be done. He gets to decide.

Whoever is primary carer will be able to claim the child benefit.

At £47k he’s getting nothing from UC.

And what happens to her younger child if she is having him 70% of the time? That means 20% of the time she is working she will have to find childcare for 1 child whilst the other is with his Dad.

We’ve got no assets. We both rent.

I think the confusion lies with which days are which so I assumed that if ex is on a 12 hour shift that would automatically mean it is my day? Or when I’m in work it would be his turn? It’s very difficult to have set days with his shits and we will both have to chat to DS too,

your working life will end up revolving around his shifts.

I’d say you and ex need to forget about the days for now and speak to your son and come up with plan, the 3 for you

I ds is in the family home and that's where dad is, then he is primary carer and has higher expenses e.g. costs of running a 2 bed home and should get the child benefit.

I'm astonished you let the family home.

OP you will get much better advice if you post the whole factual situation.

What I believe from all your posts is that you have 2 shared children. Oldest is 13. Youngest unknown age. You currently don’t work but are looking for work. Ex works but shift work which constantly changes. He wants 50-50 but you and the DC will have to fit in with his work pattern which will constantly change to make this work.

Child benefit - if you are doing 50-50 then it’s probably fairest that you each claim
child benefit for one child. But is 50-50 the right thing if it’s going to change every week??? How will you work if you have to accommodate your ex? Will the DC cope with that? Stability and consistency are usually recommended for kids. He needs to change his work to accomodate them not the other way round.

I would think carefully about that. It sounds like he is only wanting it to avoid paying child maintenance. But the primary factor is what is in the best interests of the DC. Start with that.

How many children and what age range?

And you need set days because how else will you both work? You're separated with a 13 year old, you don't need to get a job around his shifts. You allocate fixed days and dh finds care (if needed) for his shifts and you find care (if needed) on your days.