Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel taken advantage of by DH?

73 replies

MySillyCrab · 09/07/2025 21:27

I got engaged to this nice fella a couple of years ago and he seemed like the perfect gentleman, good job with six figure income, very loving and loyal etc etc. He moved in to my house and we got the loft converted and things were working out perfectly. Unfortunately about a year ago his contract came to an end and he hasn’t worked since then, we got married a few weeks ago but now he just lies in bed smoking pot playing video games and “entertains” himself and refuses to get a job saying that anything less than six figures is below him. Im the only breadwinner now and I find this a little annoying. Am I being unreasonable to think he should just take something less lucrative to keep him ticking over for the moment?

OP posts:
MyCyanReader · 09/07/2025 21:29

Yanbu!

That would be such a turn off to be with someone that has such a poor work ethics. The smoking isn't going to help either.

But... the only way forward is to issue an ultimatum. Tell him you're fed up with him being work shy and he needs a job. ANY job.

MySaintedAunt · 09/07/2025 21:51

My heart sank when i saw you recently married.
He can't unilaterally decide to stop contributing to the household. Assuming he's fit & well he gets off his backside and starts job hunting.
Tbh as it's such early days in your marriage i'd be saying 'sod this' and give him an ultimatum - start looking for work seriously from tomorrow or you'll be separating. Imagine several years of this :/

Endofyear · 09/07/2025 22:14

Well he's played you like a fiddle OP! He's moved into your house and now expects you to work and pay for everything. It's a real shame you married him as now presumably he'll have a claim on the marital home if you divorce. You need to get legal advice and start the process of separation and divorce now.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2025 22:16

Why on earth did you go through with the marriage? I’d talk to a lawyer and see about a divorce/annulment. He’s not going to improve now.

OhamIreally · 09/07/2025 22:18

Shouldn’t have much of a claim if you only married a few weeks ago. Who paid for the loft conversion? If it was him that would give him a claim I would think.

Daisyvodka · 09/07/2025 22:20

You sound a little... detached from this. You met a nice fella and you find him unilaterally deciding to be unemployed 'annoying' - this sounds less like a partnership of two people who love each other and more like two people who just happened to be dating each other and got married because thats what you are supposed to do. Have you asked him why he quit without a job to go to? Has he in any way shown care towards you footing the bill?

Fairyliz · 09/07/2025 22:21

Are you sure he had a six figure income, if so why didn’t he have his own house?
Sounds like a con artist to me.

myfriendsfamily · 09/07/2025 22:23

Surely this behaviour didn’t just start within the last few weeks? Why on earth did you marry him? You made your bed here and now need to pull the sheets back and give him an ultimatum or deal with it.

howshouldibehave · 09/07/2025 22:28

Fairyliz · 09/07/2025 22:21

Are you sure he had a six figure income, if so why didn’t he have his own house?
Sounds like a con artist to me.

This!

Either way, I wouldn't have married him after him bumming around my house not working for the best part of a year.

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 09/07/2025 22:42

He's got to go - find out the quickest way and get to it.

Confabulations · 09/07/2025 22:52

Point out to him that being married to an unemployed druggie is below you.

Start the divorce process. He will entitled to the square root of fuck all after a matter of weeks. Send him back to where he came from as soon as possible, preferably sooner.

ThereIsThunderInOurHearts · 09/07/2025 23:01

Another one questioning his 6-figure salary. Have you seen evidence of it? What did he spend his money on before he lost his job? What did he contribute to your joint lifestyles? What assets did he bring to the marriage? He really does sound like a con artist and you should keep this thought at the foremost of your thinking to work out what is truly going on here. Huge red flags.

Merryoldgoat · 09/07/2025 23:03

This place is absolutely mad at the moment.

Brandyb · 09/07/2025 23:08

Merryoldgoat · 09/07/2025 23:03

This place is absolutely mad at the moment.

🤣

steff13 · 09/07/2025 23:11

YANBU now. YWBU to have married him.

Merryoldgoat · 09/07/2025 23:14

Brandyb · 09/07/2025 23:08

🤣

Show quote history

Honestly though.

I’m 68. I’ve just met a 25 year old on Tinder and we are moving in together. We want to have a baby but I am planning a trip to the moon and I’m not sure if the low gravity will affect the success of IVF.

Also, does anyone know of a recipe for carrot cake without carrots?

This is what every second post sounds like at the moment.

JHound · 09/07/2025 23:14

YANBU.

He’s a lazy git and I would be massively turned too. (I likely would have put the wedding on hold but I guess it is too late for that now.

suburberphobe · 09/07/2025 23:19

Get an annulment it you can, open your own bank account and do a runner.

Are women really this naive in 2025? The mind boggles.

healthybychristmas · 09/07/2025 23:22

I think the OP thinks we are the naive ones. She thinks we'll believe anything.

CareerChange24 · 09/07/2025 23:32

Fairyliz · 09/07/2025 22:21

Are you sure he had a six figure income, if so why didn’t he have his own house?
Sounds like a con artist to me.

This

Crinkle77 · 09/07/2025 23:34

Fairyliz · 09/07/2025 22:21

Are you sure he had a six figure income, if so why didn’t he have his own house?
Sounds like a con artist to me.

Yep this. What was his housing situation before he moved in to yours?

Missj25 · 09/07/2025 23:34

MySillyCrab · 09/07/2025 21:27

I got engaged to this nice fella a couple of years ago and he seemed like the perfect gentleman, good job with six figure income, very loving and loyal etc etc. He moved in to my house and we got the loft converted and things were working out perfectly. Unfortunately about a year ago his contract came to an end and he hasn’t worked since then, we got married a few weeks ago but now he just lies in bed smoking pot playing video games and “entertains” himself and refuses to get a job saying that anything less than six figures is below him. Im the only breadwinner now and I find this a little annoying. Am I being unreasonable to think he should just take something less lucrative to keep him ticking over for the moment?

Well saying “ you’re a little annoyed “ & asking “ “ are you being unreasonable “ is coming across to me like , you’re a very quiet person & off the scale reasonable !
Ultimatum time, he gets off his ass & gets a job , & if he does that & ends up working 20 hours out of every day , but still smokes weed , well then I’d pack his bag for him ..
He’s not a teenager, he shouldn’t be smoking weed , you can’t settle down with someone & have kids with some guy that likes to get stoned .. Good husband’s & partners in life 💯 DO NOT smoke weed …

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/07/2025 23:54

Try to get an annulment.

Purpleturtle45 · 10/07/2025 01:13

This is like my BIL. Earned amazing money contracting doing software engineering, blew every penny so had nothing to last him between contracts. He swung between being loaded and living on benefits. He hasn't worked for over a decade now as any jobs below what he used to earn aren't good enough for him, he would rather just scrounge off the tax payer instead! Poor work ethic and laziness is extremely unattractive!

Fancycheese · 10/07/2025 01:17

Surely this cannot be real