To be wobbly about the relationship with grown dd?

[Eeehbaheck]

Dd ,26, is very kind and empathetic when she wants to be and is in the mindset.l
I find the dynamic between us challenging .. aibu ?

Examples

she lives quite far away . Understandably when she visits she wants to cram in doing as much as possible with us .
This involves us at night time watching tv she likes and games - which dh and I do not like - but we do a couple and engage.
Then after a few rounds dh and I usually want to stop and do something else.. when we see her its “ oh you dont want to play games/ why dont t you like them and there is definitely a tension around it - as if we have to be seen to play games each visit as she brings them .

We have just been on holiday with her.
we had a fab time but also she told us that she felt she had to look after us , plan And that it was tiring.
She did not have to do that- but if she had noy booked taxis etc , we wd have done do - maybe to diff places and at a different pace .
i seem to remember going to the local market and cooking also so its not as if was doing nothing

It feels to us that if we do what she wants she is happy but if we step outside that she is easy to flip into irritation.

for eg when she visits - sometimes for a week , if I go upstairs to read for a while - it gets noted.
she says something like oh when zi come you go up to your retreat - cubby hole. ( a small bedroom i use to read)
when out ds comes he chills, goes to his room for a bit but when dd comes we feel ‘ monitored’ - an to be seen to be ‘lacking ‘
/judged - this has led to us feeling a little on edge when she comes which compounds the issue.
She seems to want us in her life but we feel we are a disappointment !

exa

Its like she wants to see us , but within days we are on pins as we feel like we are an annoyance .
for eg she also commented on how often we speak to ds but when we see her she seems keen but then is snappy or on the verge of it quite a bit unless we centre out activity around her .
its like being organized for a week 😂

It sounds to me that DD someone who likes to do things, to fill her time with activities and plans ahead to do so. She finds it frustrating that you are more passive. Is she extraverted?
I need time to decompress, but my sister does not. We are both aware of it though, and plan accordingly. Neither of us take it personally, it’s just a difference of personality. Maybe try talking about it.

We have talked about it . We have explained that to us there is nothing wrong with alone time and its not personal to here .
That we comprise this when she comes as we want to see her , and alongside that we need sometime to charge out batteries.
for eg when my brother visits he sits and reads . He would hate ut if he did not feel he could do that .

Its the annoyance , despite doing more , that we somewhat dread !

She sounds like a control freak, has she always been this way?

When our DS comes home for a few days we all gather together for the first day to catch up, then he basically slots into our home lives. He goes to the gym, visits a friend, grabs some groceries, does some work, plays video games, reads, cooks, catches up on Netflix, etc. We aim to book a few days out and trips each year but mostly it’s normal life he’s joining.

I think your dd expects too much.

You should be able to disappear off to have some alone time. In our house we all like a bit of that time for ourselves.

I understand the feeing that you’re not “fun” enough for your bright-eyed, bushy-tailed young human. Life has tired us out and we’ve done everything thousands of times, they’re just getting started.

TomatoSandwiches
Yes .
I used to think it was lack of confidence as a child.
I remember as a teen we went shopping tho and I feltv faint and she was happy to continue shopping for clothes when I was literally lying down in the changing toom.
She often seems ready to be angry and suggests that we treat ds morelike he is a child so I wonder whats going on there if anything.

When she comes if we suggest an meal - she wants to organise Also she does not want us to see , or meet or friends when she comes- she wants just us .
I am a socialble introvert - if love to have parties or get together s when she comes so she sees our life ( balanced with downtime) but she says she has come to see just us and a lotof local s are werid.
So when she comes we spend little time in out little village but outside it .
I had a professional occupation , had X 2 dc and have good friends amd an active social life ,and I feel an anxious , walking on egg shell person when she comes - I never know when this ‘ disaproval ‘ will emerge- we end up exhausted.

OriginalUsername2 Whilst I get what you mean - I often go to a local gig x1 a week and sometimes fri , sat and sun .
I often do much more than dd.

I wd be more than happy if she came with us - when she comes she does not want to .
She wants to fo things together on her terms.

I understand the feeing that you’re not “fun” enough for your bright-eyed, bushy-tailed young human. Life has tired us out and we’ve done everything thousands of times, they’re just getting started.

Haha I love this. I do struggle to be "interesting" to my late 20s DC.

My DC are very different.
DS2 lives too far to just drop by so he comes for a weekend. He's very chilled and easy going, great company, no demands. He's even been on holiday with us.
DS2 lives nearer and comes over for dinner sometimes. He fills us with his news, he's always enthusiastic about something, often work or sport, but he's exhausting!

I love and adore them both but only one I would choose to live with.

‘it’s normal life he’s joining.’
re above

we have the opposite.
its expected that out normal life is suspended. Complaint made about dh going off to work while dd here for eg .

OurMavis
yes - when ds comes ( also lives away)
its like normal life - with treats thrown in
when dd comes our life is to be put on hold- god forbid we have to go to work one of the days .( hes gone to work - disapproving tone )

Does she have adhd? She sounds a bit like my eldest. Needs continuous entertainment, I've often thought he should employ a jester.

How did you treat adult guests and visiting relatives when she was growing up, ooi?

Does she think that she is now a 'guest' and wants to be treated accordingly (full attention while she is there, special joint activities etc) whereas you are actually just treating her in the same way you did when she lived at home (pleased to have a chat and a cuppa or watch TV together etc but mostly getting on with your own lives, treating her as a child of the family rather than a Visitor).

You sound like you’re frightened of her, or at least her disapproval. She needs a firm talking to, in my view. My DS25 does not expect us to dance to his tune when he’s over, and neither did we expect it of PIL when we were in our 20s visiting them. They continued with their own lives. They went out almost every Saturday night with their friends. They didn’t stop just because we were there.

Re visiting guests - my parents we made a fuss off, but then they used to snooze in the afternoon if tired.

As for friends- we often had parties for adults n dc , plus we had dcs mates around as an open door policy
never knew if it was o kids or ten for tea

We now live in a rural location - small house but still have mates stay and local friend come for tea , gins etc.. unless dd here- she wants us to be just us for the duration of visit - ds says you nip out with your mate mum- see you later. And is happy to have time out - this is more typical of our family pattern s.

Why are you going along with what she wants constantly? Just say no.

Maray1967
yes I absolutely am !
dh stands up to her - am just going for a short lie down( she complains / judges to me then )
He is , it seems labelled as the badie! 🤣
We have tried to tell her many many times that we consider it ok to just be ourselves in our home.
omg if we said no games it wd be !!!*!

If this was my relative and o didn't want to say anything, visits would be limited to a short weekend only. Arrival after the evening meal on Friday night and leaving before noon on Sunday. Anything else is way too much with someone this needy. She's using you for 24/7 entertainment whilst she's there and getting annoyed you don't want to provide it. It's very rude. She's not empathetic, she's narcissistic. It's all about her, how she feels, what she wants. Even when you explain your perspective she outright refuses to see/hear it!

I know it was you who described her as empathetic in this case, but often it's people themselves doing it. Whenever I hear someone say they're "an empath", "a highly sensitive person" or "hugely/overly empathetic", I always know instantly I'm dealing with someone self-obsessed in the extreme, who will relate others pain and suffering back to themselves and how difficult they find it to bear just hearing/knowing about it. Someone who will seek to control others as a way of managing their own negative emotions, which of course they'd rather not have to feel. So if they can manipulate someone else into doing what they want, via guilt-tripping or snarky comments, all so they don't have to feel those emotions, then they will do that.

Either cut the visits very short or explain in advance that if she comes for a week she's going to need to fit into your usual family routine and that you won't be running round entertaining her 24/7 although of course you'll be happy to go out with her sometimes. If she kicks off at this at any point before or during the visit, tell her to STFU, grow up and stop acting like a spoilt brat.

It's incredibly insensitive and presumptuous of her to be bringing her games to the home of people who don't enjoy playing them. The fact she's having to bring hers because you don't own any should be enough of a hint! Tell her not to bring them, that you're not into them. If you visit her house and her family plays games every Friday night then you of course join in for a while out of politeness, but when she's in your house she fits in with you.

As in
why dont you want to
play games with me
spend time with me -
when we have been out all day

for eg after a day out its like what eill we do tonight- shall we go fir a meal / games / I want us to watch this film ….

Why are you letting her bad-mouth your husband to you? Insist that she doesn't, get cross with her if needed, but one way or another you need to shut those comments down. As your husband should if she complains to him about you. She's being incredibly rude. Who does she think she is? She doesn't own you. Who GAF if she kicks off over the games? Tell her if she doesn't rein in her temper she'll need to leave. Who made her king and everyone else must obey?

Alstromeria Thank you for your comments and support.
I am not myself with dd as I do get anxious as its like treading on egg shells.
she was so derogatory re my choice to just go to my little snug to read.
i turn into a people pleaser with her as a way to make things manageable... aware if that!
I just laughed out loud to myself because they bring a whole bag of games!
its so determined.
and yet she and bf fully know its not outr thing - its like they want to educate us that games are good and that we are lacking in the games dept! 😬

Alstromeria I dont let her do that re dh - i tell her - hes been at work and he needs down time ( he is 66 ) but also its how we work .
We both have ab active social life
gigs , some sports , mates, - and- at home it is our haven - we have people for meals, parties, read, garden , cook , chill , talk.
We were even told last visit that they are doing a themed Christmas food this year and will be cooking at our house ( maybe as a favour) for us all .. normally that wd sound fabulous! But now am feeling its part of a picture of being told what to do 😂

I think you're overthinking it.

So what if you displease her? That's her problem, not yours?

Let her sulk, life is about given and receiving, nobody likes a bossy boots.
Does she have friends?
She needs to learn to allow other people be themselves.

Why cant you just say to her in advance something to the effect of "We love seeing you and can't wait for you to come. But you know dad is 66 and I'm X - we're not spring chickens anymore and need our downtime too. So why don't you get in touch with (insert name of someone local she knows) so you can go for a drink when we're unwinding" ??

When they get the games out stand firm on not joining in. If it causes problems and they can't just play the games among themselves whilst you read or watch your favourite TV show etc then tell them the games need to go back into the car, no iffs or butts, get it done.

You're walking on eggshells because she's being controlling. People pleasing won't fix that. That's just your version of attempting to control the situation and it doesn't work. She's a guest in your house, there shouldn't be a situation to need to control!

Don't have house guests who treat you like shit, no matter who they are. If people can't be polite and you don't want to cut them off because they're family, then relegate them to a hotel. You go out for the day, or for a meal or whatever, then you go home and they go back to the hotel. It gives you all a chance to do your own thing.

Don't expect her to like it or to agree, so don't ask her to go to a hotel, tell her she can't stay with you, next time she proposes to visit for a week. Use "broken record" assertiveness. It's not convenient. Why? Because it doesn't suit you. Why? Because you don't feel it works. Why? Because it's inconvenient.

Don't give reasons, don't JADE yourself (justify/argue/defend/explain), she'll only argue against your reasons and try to gaslight you into thinking you're in the wrong for wanting to be treated with a modicum of respect in your own home. Flipping it around and making it all about her and how hurt she is by this behaviour, making out you're the bad guy and totally ignoring her own awful behaviour and control freakery towards you.