To be wobbly about the relationship with grown dd?

[Eeehbaheck]

Dd ,26, is very kind and empathetic when she wants to be and is in the mindset.l
I find the dynamic between us challenging .. aibu ?

Examples

she lives quite far away . Understandably when she visits she wants to cram in doing as much as possible with us .
This involves us at night time watching tv she likes and games - which dh and I do not like - but we do a couple and engage.
Then after a few rounds dh and I usually want to stop and do something else.. when we see her its “ oh you dont want to play games/ why dont t you like them and there is definitely a tension around it - as if we have to be seen to play games each visit as she brings them .

We have just been on holiday with her.
we had a fab time but also she told us that she felt she had to look after us , plan And that it was tiring.
She did not have to do that- but if she had noy booked taxis etc , we wd have done do - maybe to diff places and at a different pace .
i seem to remember going to the local market and cooking also so its not as if was doing nothing

It feels to us that if we do what she wants she is happy but if we step outside that she is easy to flip into irritation.

for eg when she visits - sometimes for a week , if I go upstairs to read for a while - it gets noted.
she says something like oh when zi come you go up to your retreat - cubby hole. ( a small bedroom i use to read)
when out ds comes he chills, goes to his room for a bit but when dd comes we feel ‘ monitored’ - an to be seen to be ‘lacking ‘
/judged - this has led to us feeling a little on edge when she comes which compounds the issue.
She seems to want us in her life but we feel we are a disappointment !

exa

@Dogaredabomb I can’t really advise tbh. For me, I just know that we’ve done a reasonable job of parenting (far from perfect of course, but definitely not crappy either) and if it’s not good enough for my adult children, perhaps they’d like to look at the world around them? Of course some parents are better in some ways, but others are far worse.

That’s what Dd (20) has said, esp. since going to uni. Some of her friends have had far tougher upbringings and she realizes that hers was loving and stable.

Perhaps I’m a bit hard because my upbringing was less stable - parents with physical and mental problems, which led to financial problems so I know how much better my children have had it!

@Eeehbaheck That family sounds lovely but it doesn’t mean that you were/are rubbish in comparison. Every family is different.

Does she acknowledge that some people have truly tough, unstable upbringings? At 26, she should be aware that she’s v. lucky just to have healthy, loving parents. Both of my children (20 and 16) have friends who’ve already lost a parent, which must be awful. I lost my Mum in my mid-20’s so personally I feel that if I can make it until my two are in their 30’s, that’ll be a bonus :-).

Sorry if I sound unsympathetic, I just think that perhaps she needs a dose of reality.

Consistency. Punish the bad behaviour, reward the good behaviour. That second part is important else they're going to feel rejected. Strong boundaries. Never give them an inch because they'll take a mile.

Think before you answer, "I'll get back to you about that" is an acceptable answer to buy you some time. If they need an instant answer and you're not sure, then it's a no.

You can always change your mind later and say yes, whereas cancelling after you've said yes isn't always an option. Don't do this in the early days of establishing your boundaries though, it's too confusing for the person who's learning, keep things crystal clear to start with. Regardless, never at any time back down in the face of pressure, for the sake of an easy life, if you've said no. Any sign of pressure and you revert to "piss off".

So "piss off etc" every single time they try that shit. Then when they're behaving like a reasonable person and giving you some space, invite them to spend time with you. Or accept their polite invitation if it's been a reasonable timescale since they've last asked.

Manage their expectations to avoid disappointment.

Eg "would you like to come for Sunday dinner 12.30-3pm? We'll aim to serve the food at 1pm and we're going to spend the late afternoon with friends/pottering in the garden/having rampant sex etc, we'd love to have you there for dinner though.

Eg "would you like to come on holiday with us for a week? We'll be spending mornings by the pool, afternoons on the beach and evenings in the bar. We thought it would be nice to go on a couple of day trips whilst there if you'd be up for that? I'm sure there's plenty in the local area to do solo if you get bored hanging around with us".

You can negotiate details if you want to, they might have some good ideas. If you don't like their ideas or you've already compromised by inviting them in the first place when you'd much rather go alone, then just say no to anything more than you've offered.

If they're misguided or socially inept but capable of learning, it should work.

If they're an arsehole they'll just increase the control freakery further to attempt to cow you down, arguements will escalate, they'll be convinced you're the problem (how dare you attempt to change and not take their shit any more!) and the relationship will break down completely. But at least you'll now both know you don't like each other and you won't be having to put up with their behaviour.

It seems really odd and childish that she wants to spend so much time with just you. Doesn't she have her own friends/life going on?

Oh my. This is a well timed thread as we have to spend the weekend with our DD who sounds exactly the same. We are exhausted even thinking about it. 😞

This is what happened in my family - Mum was too scared of upsetting my sister to ever stand up to her and expected me just to put up with being treated like third class. I’ve not seen my mother for 18 months and am not bothered about it. She wouldn’t stand up for me and made me feel completely unloved so why would I bother with her?

RainbowSlimeLab
am sorry to heat about your experience.
With my other adult child he just goes and chills but also dd is in better mood when he is there anyway.
He really knows that he is loved . He also visits by himself at times and also brings friends.

When I married and moved far away and then returned home to visit my parents, I fit everything into their schedule - because I was interrupting their lives.
My dad was very much a stick-in-the-mud and never traveled - so they never visited us. I cringe to think how awkward that would’ve been for him. Mum would’ve loved it, though.
What I’d like to know is, what adult child expects their parents to drop everything and rearrange their own schedules and lives merely because that child is coming home for a visit?
As if.