To be wobbly about the relationship with grown dd?

[Eeehbaheck]

Dd ,26, is very kind and empathetic when she wants to be and is in the mindset.l
I find the dynamic between us challenging .. aibu ?

Examples

she lives quite far away . Understandably when she visits she wants to cram in doing as much as possible with us .
This involves us at night time watching tv she likes and games - which dh and I do not like - but we do a couple and engage.
Then after a few rounds dh and I usually want to stop and do something else.. when we see her its “ oh you dont want to play games/ why dont t you like them and there is definitely a tension around it - as if we have to be seen to play games each visit as she brings them .

We have just been on holiday with her.
we had a fab time but also she told us that she felt she had to look after us , plan And that it was tiring.
She did not have to do that- but if she had noy booked taxis etc , we wd have done do - maybe to diff places and at a different pace .
i seem to remember going to the local market and cooking also so its not as if was doing nothing

It feels to us that if we do what she wants she is happy but if we step outside that she is easy to flip into irritation.

for eg when she visits - sometimes for a week , if I go upstairs to read for a while - it gets noted.
she says something like oh when zi come you go up to your retreat - cubby hole. ( a small bedroom i use to read)
when out ds comes he chills, goes to his room for a bit but when dd comes we feel ‘ monitored’ - an to be seen to be ‘lacking ‘
/judged - this has led to us feeling a little on edge when she comes which compounds the issue.
She seems to want us in her life but we feel we are a disappointment !

exa

fridaynightbeers

I understand !

Krakinou

Interesting!
She does say that we treat ds like the baby not her.
Yes she seems almost desperate to have a ‘ good time’
I dont know if she knows that we are more relaxed around ds as things just flow… but we have never said anything or compared.
she often tells us to chill and not be tense - especially when we try to explain we want a choice at times and will have seen ds just going with the flow maybe
It feels self fulfilling in a way as we are now not as relaxed around her .

yes , she comes home to be pampered I totally get that - but I wdnt dream of questioning my parents about not doing things- if be happy just to know they were around. If they wanted to nip out if be happy also .
I guess i am a flowy person , not one that has to have a plan in place .
I want her to feel better- she obviously is stressed- and us .

Sounds like she wants reassurance you want her there and miss her. The way she monitors what you're doing and then reads something into it.
My DD was like this coming home from uni. She would feel hurt when she was making an effort with planned activities (like your dd's games) and if we wanted a break or to do our own thing she felt like we didn't want her there.

I think your DD is probably sensitive and wants to feel part of the family still.

Would it hurt to play games for the few nights she's there? Or can you suggest a different activity you all want to do together?

I think you've underestimated how important you are to your dd.

She sounds neither kind or empathetic - just rather selfish.

You could make a trip of it though! It would take a day or two out of her stay, of you having some quality time, when you can actually focus on each other without distractions. It might scratch that itch of hers and you might end up with a lovely new wardrobe!

Noshadelamp

that does resonate - she was most offended when dh didnt ring her to say happy holiday before we went.
He set a chat up for us all tho . But the no call was an issue for her.
I think that we are very social yet homly people and she wants to know she is still important- its the methodology used
!
Ive tried to give super super attention - it never seems to be enough and I feel a disappointment!

musicalfrog True !
thanks .
It does seem that if I suggest something its a no tho - but worth a try x

If she’s suggesting to work from (your) home, maybe that is her way to try and spend time with you in a more natural, less pressured way. You could meet her in the middle by having your alone time while she’s working and making a point of having a cup of tea with her and dinner.

If you don’t like games, plan something you do like but that’s still more intimate than a party at the neighbors. Film nights maybe?

It doesn’t sound like she expects you to pamper her. She just wants you to want to spend time with her.

I think I have one of these daughters, currently 20, dipping in and out from uni.
With the length and number that uni holidays are I just don't want to be going for brunches, dog walks with lunch.
I need to tackle this too.
She is very jealous, needlessly, of younger easier going sibling.
Competitive with our stories of the past which are rarely told, and heavily balanced out with the poor times.
I think she is insecure, bored, lacking in strong friend bonds and desperate for a boyfriend.
I love her so much but I don't want to be her best friend. I want an extra pair of grown up hands helping not to be running a summer holiday play scheme.

What happens when both ds and dd are home together - is dd still allowed to rule the roost?

RainbowSlimeLab
yes mostly - but he just chills .. she tends to be a bit more chilled and watches films with him .

ShedSister Feel for you .
Interesting- womder if it’s insecurity with our dd also .
She too struggled with freindships at times
She was never without a bf - one of which , when she was at uni said that he found her overwhelming.

My DD (20) is at uni far away and last came back for a visit in May as she’s staying there over the summer. I do pamper her when she’s home and we do a few nice things together, but we’re not her on tap entertainment! She has a couple of friends here whom she sees when she’s back (also at uni but they try to coordinate visits) but she’s realized that her life isn’t based here anymore so it’s going to be quiet.

As long as you do a few things together, that’s fine. Don’t play games every single evening if you don’t want to, your DD’s not the boss in your house!

Your DD sounds like someone who has to be the center of attention. Did she get her own way a lot when she was a child? Do you think she was spoilt? I have friends whose young adult children behave like this and it is often because they aren't getting the level of attention now that they did as children. Alternatively, she is going through that phase when young people are trying things for the first time and think they know best and look down on their parents. They become judgmental and demanding. Either way, I wouldn't put up with this. She sounds very hard work and very self centered. Good luck sorting this one out!

She's really too old to be acting like a self-centrered teenager now.

To be honest I really don't get it .
As a child she was c v clingy onto my leg .
She was also c introverted and didnt like it . She always followed the ( bad ) crowd and easily led .She was quite mean to other kids and I had to work quite hard on kindness being valuable .- this was always evident in our family values- but I mean I made little books for her on the subject.
She used to consider me her best friend .
She did V well in a sport and got stressed before competing, I am wondering , as I used to have to dash and get her things , if she began to think she was the boss ar this point ? ( looking for clues!) as I cdnt tell her off for her snappy behaviour just beforehand.

If I thought this was insecurity , Id be the first person to try to support her and try to work on a gap she may be feeling.Fact is , I just am so insure about the source / reason behind it
I do remember telling her off big time when she came to see us about her behaviour and she mellowed , but then reverted back .
Her brother describes her as bossy btw.

Ilitetallycantrememberanythinganymo
what you say is insightful- she did do v well in a sport and she had the upper hand as it were as we used to travel for competitions and also help prepare etc when she was stressed.

My son is like this and also I have a chilled out younger son. Tbh he's exhausting. He's never satisfied, wants 100% entertainment and attention and nothing satisfies his need for control and stimulation. He has adhd and pda asd and (consequently obviously) no friends. I'm his only 'friend' and I'm exhausted with it. There's never any learning and movement away from the behaviour no matter how many times I explain, adjust blah blah blah.

Dogaredabomb

Ah - exhausting .
My thing is that I feel that i can never ‘ get it right’ no matter what I do .
or if i feel I have - i am about not to !

My thing is that I feel that i can never ‘ get it right’ no matter what I do .
or if i feel I have - i am about not to !

This is normal when you're dealing with a controlling person. Every person on the receiving end of the control feels this way.

@Eeehbaheck Honestly, I’d stop trying so hard. She’s 26, she has her own life and if she can’t accept you and your DH for the kind, supportive parents whom you are (but not nonstop entertainment for her :-), that’s her decision.

Has she spent much time with other families or heard about other parents from her friends? My DD has said that learning about other families’ dynamics has made her appreciate us more!

I hear you but how do you 'stop trying' when an adult child like this is clearly so disappointed and (I think) feels unloved/less loved? I've tried everything, talking, explaining, refusing, obeying 🤷🏼‍♂️ saying 'piss off stop controlling me this is my life not yours'.

BruFord
she did soend a lot of time with a v cool family who had their kids young and did things like festivals , had bbq at home with the kids playing the guitar, stayed up late , took kids to cool places on holiday
she often days how much she lioves them .
they did a lot together as a family - which she loves .
they are in their 40 s now - we in 60 s.

I feel that she will never fully accept us on some levels
the love / attention she craves- it makes it so hard because sometimes i feel pushed away by it and un liked essentially

i said to dh the ither day - when we are dead she may in retro spect like us - but for now ….ee cant seem to give her whar she wants and she says we are tense- yep - thing is if ee explained that we feel judgement and to been seen as lacking - I really dont think that she would understand : have insight .
we just want to relax with our dd without feeling judged ot about to be .

Dogaredabomb
i know what you mean - i feel dd is jealous of ds and feels less loved - but this behaviour - we feel punished somehow and creates tension and makes the vibe less open to showing love due to an underlying feeling of not being loved able to be yourself . I get it x