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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newborn baby and little to no support from partner

53 replies

Jess13224 · 09/07/2025 06:21

was unsure what to post this under but I really don't feel I'm being unreasonable.

My newborn is 12 days old and I'm getting little to no support or help from my partner of over 8 years.

Firstly I want to start out by saying i had a difficult labour and ended up having a episiotomy which has become infected.

I am exclusively breast feeding so I understand childcare and feeding is and should be mostly my responsibility. However my partner is doing practically nothing around the house to help out. We came home from hospital the same day as the birth and all he is doing around the house is washing up every 2-3 days (letting it pile up) and cooking frozen food from the freezer such as pizza.

He has taken 2 weeks off of work to 'bond' with his daughter however he only ever holds her when she is fussing and I need the toilet which is less than a total of 40 minutes a day. He is using these 2 weeks to play video games for over 10 hours each day which he sees as fine because the baby is "just sleeping and eating". I will say the last 5 days she has been very good at settling in her crib at night after her feed and nappy change but my sleep is still broken and reduced to 5 hours a day / night. His sleep is messed up because he will stay on his PC until 3-5am.

I have tried telling him I'm annoyed and feel he does nothing to help me with baby or do anything around the house and this is met with him thinking I'm being unreasonable as he "does the washing up and cook". I make him change 1 nappy a day (never on his own intuition) once again so I can go toilet.

I just feel if he can spend 10+ hours a day playing games and have 7-8 hours of undisturbed sleep then there is 0 reason why the house can't be clean but I have still had to hoover, take bins out and do laundry on top of caring for a newborn who feeds every 2 hours and cannot be put down during the day for anything longer than 15-30 minutes. I have also made dinner a couple of nights for us both.

I do feel I'm coping well with motherhood and caring for her but i don't understand how he has time to play video games all day long and I barley have time to shower or eat. I explained to him once he returns to work (6am-6pm) he will need to help with holding her and changing her if he wants me to make home cooked meals after work or so I can have a shower. He then told me I'm using the baby as a excuse for being lazy and that he can't do any of this after work as he will be tired.

Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 09/07/2025 06:25

He sounds awful & he’s taking advantage of paternity leave to act like a teenager. Do you have any other family around? Honestly I would think you are better off on your own than with him. If this is how he is when you have had a difficult birth I can’t imagine he is going to suddenly become Dad of the year.

LoztWorld · 09/07/2025 06:25

Are you financially independent? If so I’d strongly suggest waiting until mat leave ends and then leaving him. I know it’s so much easier said than done and people say it all the time on here, but if this is an accurate account of the events there’s no saving this.

toastofthetown · 09/07/2025 06:33

I don’t have any advice but that is awful. You make him change one nappy a day so you can go to the loo, rather than he takes responsibility for the basic care of his baby because he wants to care for the baby. I exclusively breastfed and while feeding is my exclusive responsibility, the rest of the care isn’t. Changing nappies, talking to her, singing to her, taking her for a drive or out in the pram so you can catch up on sleep, taking on more housework, letting you drinks and snacks are things that he should be doing for his family. I’d honestly consider if it’s going to be easier doing it alone, because at the moment you’re doing it alone, but with the resentment that your partner has time for everything but caring for your baby and you.

Mindymomo · 09/07/2025 06:34

Unfortunately he’s taking these 2 weeks as holiday and not stepping up, like nothing changed, you will probably do better with baby when he goes back to work, I know I did, you start to get into your own routine. My first baby would only sleep 30 minutes at a time, when I would quickly shower, clear up, prep food for dinner. Can he not take baby out in pram for a walk whilst he’s home to give you a break, I used to take long baths so DH had to step up and look after baby.

EnglishRain · 09/07/2025 06:34

This is a red flag OP, and he won’t get better. Don’t have more children with him. I’d seriously consider whether you want to be picking up after him and a child. I split with my ex when she was 2 (he cheated) but he used to weaponise his incompetence and life was so much easier without him.

Meadowfinch · 09/07/2025 06:41

You've had a child, with a child. He's basically an overgrown teen, selfish, lazy and inconsiderate.

Double up on the contraception, and start planning your exit. I hope you have a career to return to,.after maternity leave.

In the meantime, allocate him tasks. Try to get him into a routine as well as the baby.

Start him on laundry. If he wants clean shirts he needs to acquaint himself with the washing machine. You could sort washing but insist he puts it in the machine and then hangs it out.

Spend a year trying to get him to behave like a grown up. After a year, decide if you stay or leave.

It's going to be a long year.

Mumofoneandone · 09/07/2025 07:26

His behaviour is totally out of order. Anyway of 'damaging' his gaming stuff, so he can't use it....
Stop doing anything for him, just look after yourself and your little one...do your own washing and food. If you have a spare room either you or DH move in there and look after that space so it can be your sanctuary......
Not ideal but you have to prioritise yourself and your baby.

DemonsandMosquitoes · 09/07/2025 07:29

Are you married?

RosesAndHellebores · 09/07/2025 07:33

@Jess13224 my DH is domestically hopeless. When I had our first he had a few days off work (30 years ago). He came home, put on a load of washing, loaded/emptied the dishwasher, played with the baby, held the baby while I ate and vice versa. Brought me tea at 6am and another mug before he left at 6.30/45.

I'd divorce yours over the gaming alone.

Thingyfanding · 09/07/2025 07:37

Sounds like you’re on your own here. It’s not looking good.

What has he been like during the pregnancy, has he shown interest and been supportive?

PragmaticIsh · 09/07/2025 07:37

He then told me I'm using the baby as a excuse for being lazy and that he can't do any of this after work as he will be tired.

For this alone he needs a massive kick up the arse for being so outrageously rude and offensive!! He is an utter man-child who is causing you more work, rather than less, at the most vulnerable time of your life.

He really is disgusting.

Original poster
Jess13224 · 09/07/2025 10:26

Thingyfanding · 09/07/2025 07:37

Sounds like you’re on your own here. It’s not looking good.

What has he been like during the pregnancy, has he shown interest and been supportive?

He was terrible throughout my pregnancy. I suffered with morning sickness throughout pregnancy and could barley keep food down. Towards weeks 35-40 I was really struggling with General tiredness which was made worse by being up all night like a yoyo being sick. Once again he would say I shouldn't nap during day as I'm "lazy" and all household chores and cooking would fall back onto me. (He only works 4/7 days a week) I had to practically beg him for help. He only done the washing up 1 time. He would also expect me to get up and make him coffee and his lunch before work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jess13224 · 09/07/2025 10:28

DemonsandMosquitoes · 09/07/2025 07:29

Are you married?

No we have been in a relationship since we was both 13 and we are both 21 now

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 09/07/2025 10:31

Of course he should be helping a lot more. He sounds very young and immature. Tell him what needs to be done. Even if it's just washing up, dealing with laundry and general tidying.

Lau2108 · 09/07/2025 10:36

Do his parents live locally? I'd be phoning them in front of him saying they are late picking him up from childcare.

MyCyanReader · 09/07/2025 10:39

Why on earth did you choose to have a baby with someone like this????

The "man" clearly doesn't respect you. He sounds awful!! I'm assuming he does have some good qualities??

Is it possible to pack a bag for you and baby and go and stay with parents/family or someone who will support you?

If moving in with family isn't an option, you need to issue him an ultimatum and tell him to either pull his weight or move out.

Trovindia · 09/07/2025 10:40

Jess13224 · 09/07/2025 10:28

No we have been in a relationship since we was both 13 and we are both 21 now

Show quote history

You've grown up and he hasn't. Time to split I'm afraid, he just isn't partner material and securely not father material.

Take it from us older and wiser women, you can try a come to Jesus talk if you want but in reality it's probably time to end it with this school boyfriend and look for a proper man (I don't mean older, I mean one who acts like a decent human being).

I'm sorry, it's shit for you.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/07/2025 10:40

You need to leave because it isn't going to get better.

PashaMinaMio · 09/07/2025 10:47

Do not have any more babies with this man-child.

Everything changes when a woman has a baby but many men, not all, carry on as if it never happened. So many women fall into this trap.

Is it a cultural thing that your man-child does nothing to help?

Just do the best you can for now, but you could try not doing his washing or anything else he benefits from. The only caveat to that is he might turn really nasty so watch for the signs of that.

Im so sorry you are having to put up with this. I often think that post natal we need a mummy figure to help us more than anything at this time.
i hope it soon gets more manageable for you .

muggart · 09/07/2025 10:53

He’s disgusting and manipulative. How dare he say YOU are using the baby as an excuse to be lazy? You need to write this loser off as a lost cause.

In your place I would be shaming him relentlessly to everyone he cares about. But you may not want to go on the attack like that.

MellowPinkDeer · 09/07/2025 10:54

You’ve had a baby with a baby. Make your expectations clear.

muggart · 09/07/2025 10:55

Also, when he goes back to work just sort your own food out. Dont do his food or laundry or any of it. Mat leave is to care for the baby not to care for the manchild.

outerspacepotato · 09/07/2025 10:56

You might want to think about going to your parents. You need more support than you're getting and overdoing housework because your partner is a lazy POS could impede your incision healing.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/07/2025 10:58

Hi OP

I think this is one of the worst cases of lack of support I've read on mumsnet

How the fuck can he call you lazy when he does so very little. And what a shame for the baby that he doesn't actually want to spend any time with her. What a hypocrite as well to say its easy for you to cook and clean while you're caring for a newborn but he can't help at all because it's 'too tiring'.

When I had a newborn my husband:

  • did all the baths
  • did most of the nappy changes
  • took the baby out for walks in the pram
  • spent loads of time cuddling the baby
  • got up in the night to help (I was struggling with extreme iron deficiency and feeding etc so he sometimes changed nappies and brought the baby to me so I didn't have to move)
  • told me not to worry about house chores, laundry, cooking etc as looking after a newborn was hard work, I should leave all the other stuff and we would figure it out together when he was home from work
  • put a halt on his hobbies to focus on his new baby

Not saying this to make you feel bad just want to open your eyes to what a supportive relationship with a good dad looks like

Normally I'd try and give advice on how to work through things but honestly someone who could call their heavily pregnant sick wife lazy and doesn't support her at all when she has a newborn is not a good person, I truly think you'd be better off without him

Deadringer · 09/07/2025 11:06

Well he is a selfish, lazy idiot. Maybe your relationship is still salvageable but it seems unlikely. You are going to have to read him the riot act op. Tell him that paternity leave is not a holiday, he needs to pull his finger out and shop for proper food which he will then cook, and he needs to clean and help with the baby too. The baby is not your fucking hobby! That is his child too and he needs to step up or get the fuck out! Don't accept help, he needs to do his share. Btw it sounds like you are doing a fabulous job as a new mum, congratulations.