Newborn baby and little to no support from partner

[Jess13224]

was unsure what to post this under but I really don't feel I'm being unreasonable.

My newborn is 12 days old and I'm getting little to no support or help from my partner of over 8 years.

Firstly I want to start out by saying i had a difficult labour and ended up having a episiotomy which has become infected.

I am exclusively breast feeding so I understand childcare and feeding is and should be mostly my responsibility. However my partner is doing practically nothing around the house to help out. We came home from hospital the same day as the birth and all he is doing around the house is washing up every 2-3 days (letting it pile up) and cooking frozen food from the freezer such as pizza.

He has taken 2 weeks off of work to 'bond' with his daughter however he only ever holds her when she is fussing and I need the toilet which is less than a total of 40 minutes a day. He is using these 2 weeks to play video games for over 10 hours each day which he sees as fine because the baby is "just sleeping and eating". I will say the last 5 days she has been very good at settling in her crib at night after her feed and nappy change but my sleep is still broken and reduced to 5 hours a day / night. His sleep is messed up because he will stay on his PC until 3-5am.

I have tried telling him I'm annoyed and feel he does nothing to help me with baby or do anything around the house and this is met with him thinking I'm being unreasonable as he "does the washing up and cook". I make him change 1 nappy a day (never on his own intuition) once again so I can go toilet.

I just feel if he can spend 10+ hours a day playing games and have 7-8 hours of undisturbed sleep then there is 0 reason why the house can't be clean but I have still had to hoover, take bins out and do laundry on top of caring for a newborn who feeds every 2 hours and cannot be put down during the day for anything longer than 15-30 minutes. I have also made dinner a couple of nights for us both.

I do feel I'm coping well with motherhood and caring for her but i don't understand how he has time to play video games all day long and I barley have time to shower or eat. I explained to him once he returns to work (6am-6pm) he will need to help with holding her and changing her if he wants me to make home cooked meals after work or so I can have a shower. He then told me I'm using the baby as a excuse for being lazy and that he can't do any of this after work as he will be tired.

Sorry for the rant.

Oh, love.

You've been stuck with him since you were children and to be honest at 21 you still are.

But you have had to grow up with the maturity demands of pregnancy and parenthood ... While he can't think or behave like a grown man because he is still stuck at 14. An adolescent boy. Gaming obsession is always a bad sign - the virtual world is more real to them than real life and they'll do anything to retreat back in there.

What support do you have? Your parents? His parents? Siblings? Friends? Midwife or health visitor?

Does he have any friends / family who are fathers who are getting it right? Any one he respects who can give him a talking to?

Contraception. Do not get pregnant again with him. It will be many many times worse.

Do you have your own income? Your own job, income, savings, pension, status, network, career, respect - all this is so valuable especially if you're with a sub par man.

Honestly - this one's a dud.

Oh my goodness, that's dreadful. How old is your partner?!!! How was he before you became pregnant with helping with chores etc? He's behaving like a teenager and yes, he should be stepping up and helping you much more than he is. I had an emergency C-section and my husband kept the house clean, did the laundry, cooked etc - all whilst helping with our son too. Your partner has zero excuses for his behaviour at all. As for when he goes back to work, yes he will need to help, being an adult doesn't stop when you walk through the door after being at work. He's got the responsibility of a child now, and that means parenting her and making sure the woman he supposedly loves us supported. I'm sorry to say, that if he isn't willing to step up now, he's not going too, and you will be doing all the chores and parenting going forward. Do not under any circumstances have another child with him. Having a second, will just mean even more work and stress for you, whilst he sits on his arse. If he can't step up because he's pathetically immature, then make plans to leave. Don't waste your life away with him.

I cant believe you've had a child with this shitty man. His behaviour is appalling. Selfish, childish, downright abusive in parts. Get rid. Incredibly, you will probably find life easier

It sounds like he has never grown up. You’ve been together since you were young. I would reconsider this whole relationship as he won’t change. You’d be better of alone as others have said as you’re practically a single mum as it is. Trust me the feeling of resentment will grow and become unbearable.

This is so bloody sad. What a absolute tragedy to have tied yourself to this guy at your age. Did nobody try to warn you off him?

@JFDIYOLO I don’t think many people at 21 have a career network and pension. It’s not a prerequisite for having a baby. I know it’s the sensible thing to do but OP is still quite young.

I’m so sorry you have had a baby with this absolute arsehat. Please begin making plans to leave/ask him to leave, depending on your living situation.

Get rid, he is acting like a child, he isn’t ready for the responsibility of being a father. Paternity leave isn’t for gaming all day

He's disgusting.

Tell him - make dinner, bring me tea I'm feeding, go to shops etc. if he says no, can you take baby and go to your mums?

Ps my ex was like that with me when pregnant and then walked out just before baby was born. Don't miss him' my
Parents house was the best place to be post Partum. And he was nearly 40 so they don't grow up out of this.

Just because you've been with him since 13 doesn't mean you need to stay together for ever although I know it feels so much harder.

Whether you break up or not right now please tell your friends and family what's happening. Don't try to protect him.

FFS get rid of this abusive lazy arse.

Another baby born to another shit father.
What is your housing situation?

I’m so sorry OP. He sounds awful - like he thinks this should be a holiday for him.

Honestly, I think there should be a mechanism for reporting these men to their place of work!

I had one of these - thought that the baby wasn’t his job and that he could do less cooking and housework than he did before the baby because I was “off”. People don’t believe it when you say there was no clue they’d be like this! My exh was a fantastic uncle and always took the lead with housework pre children (if a bit naggy about it) - I had not reason to think he wouldn’t be a fab dad and carry on doing his share around the house!

He would also expect me to get up and make him coffee and his lunch before work.

I hope you didn't.

I agree that this doesn't look good. You now have two children in your life, but at least you can get rid of one of them.

Nope, he's still 13.

I very VERY much doubt he'll ever improve.

Firstly, you need to get out of the mindset that he is or should be ‘helping’. He should be parenting. Unfortunately, I can’t see him getting any better.

DH took on nappy duty and pretty much did all nappies when he was around (I only had to do them when he was at work), he did bath time so he could bond with the baby. I breastfed but if after a feed at night DC didn’t settle he would take over trying to settle them so I could get some sleep. He also did a lot of cooking. He saw maternity leave as me having time with DC not so I could do all household chores. That’s how it should be.

To put this into context for you OP, I am a stay at home mum who home educates her primary age and Early years stage children, with a small field to table business (pays for itself and feeds us, so very small scale), with a partner who works partly from home with his own business (his is busy and brings in the money for the house, he works 7 days a week, sometimes over night if there is a rush)

From when my children were babies the housework was a lot more shared than it has been for you. Parenting is shared when both parents are around and not working, otherwise it is my responsibility and the reason why I am not working - there are things only you can do such as breastfeeding, but when he isn't in work he absolutely should be either taking over the child care or cooking the meal and washing up after himself, as well as sticking on a load pf washing and having a quick sweep up while he is at it.

Not only that but on maternity your job is to care for baby while he is at work and to recover. Your job is not to do all of the housework (especially while baby is so young - obviously as baby grows and settles you will take on a fair majority of that if you stay home, but at this stage you are very very busy just keeping a small baby alive)

It should be much more shared. Even now I don't do anywhere near full housework. Tasks are shared in the evening when the children go to bed, and partner takes an active role in parenting - reading to the children, playing with them while I make dinner, getting them ready for bed, encouraging them to brush teeth, getting them up, when he is not working.

I signed up to do the childcare and education part of my children's life (that's a paid job out there in the real world, when it isn't done by a parent) not to be a slave to the house and my partner.

You seem to have gained one baby and one way overgrown child of a man with no sense of responsibility for the family he helped create. Sit down with him and lay out your expectations like you would for a teenager. His child will want nothing to do with him if he doesn't take an active interest as they grow. If he doesn't listen or dismisses your expectations, walk away, it would be easier on your own with one less person to clean up after

On this occasion, LTB is warranted. In the bin with him 🗑️

Send him to the shop, and whilst he’s gone take the fuse out of the plugs in the computer & any extension lead he’s using.
I would speak a language he understands.

Is there an option to go to your parents? You need support with a newborn, particularly after a difficult birth, and he is not capable of providing it. If possible depending on your housing situation I would not return to him unless he is willing to be a parent and partner. I’d tell the world and his wife you needed to leave as he gamed all day through paternity leave, leaving you to run the household on top of caring for a newborn. See what his friends and family think of that.
If you can’t leave, I would do nothing for him - clothes, washing, cooking, sex, cleaning areas only he uses. Nothing. I suspect things have not been fair in your household for a long time. Sort it now using the baby as the trigger or suffer 20 more years with a man child.

YANBU..he sounds like a lazy arse,and has others have said,taking advantage of his leave to play video games.if I was in your shoes I'd be furious!! Eady said but you'd be 100% better on your own,as your doing it all anyway.good luck and congratulations on your little one xx

A ‘child’ having a child. He clearly thinks he’s still a teenager. Tell him to shape up, step up, or ship out! You’d be better off without him.

I’m so sorry OP. Your partner is worse than useless - not only is he useless, he’s also rude to you.

i assume you’ve tried to get him to act reasonably and do his fair share of parenting, housework, being a partner and adult.

Really hope you’ve got supportive family and friends round you. I’d be making plans to leave when I could and avoiding getting pregnant again.

Oh lovely, I just feel so sorry that this is your first baby experience.
He really is just not good enough for you.
That’s it, he is not what you deserve. You are worth so much more.
I really hope you have great parents, or an aunt, or a sister, or good friends. Please lean on whoever you have. Please don’t waste your life on a man (boy) who doesn’t have your back, or your child’s.
He has totally shown you who he is when it comes to the hard stuff. You need to remember those people who will support you and unfortunately you do need to move on from him.
Like I said, he’s just not good enough for you and your baby. Know that, believe that. You’ve got this.

a bit off topic but I am in a small firm/team where paternity leave means the rest of us have to work longer hours to provide cover. So his attitude is pretty fraudulent towards he work colleagues, frankly, and is why so many are sceptical about paternity leave! In relation to how he is with you, that’s a red flag. My husband helped but really minimally. It never improved. I should have heeded the warning then 15 years later)