To think my daughter's phone has ruined her life

[mamafrustration]

I am a mother to an eleven year old phone addict. She got a phone when she was eight and we have never restricted her usage, which has increased substantially in the last year. It got to the stage where she was on it almost every waking second she wasn't forced by me (DH didn't give a monkeys) to do something else. One day she clocked more than ten hours so I said enough is enough and put restrictions on it. She now has three hours a day, which I still feel is too much, but I recognise she's a tweenager and wants to text her friends, plus it's useful for emergencies and gives some comfort when she is in walking home alone from school.

When she's not on the phone she tries to use other screens by going on her laptop or watching the same handful of shows on the tv over and over. I force her to come out for a walk with me everyday, and we usually go for a coffee and talk about how she's feeling, how her day has been etc. She recently told me she is depressed, but will not accept the phone is contributing to this. I also tell her to do activities like drawing, reading, and she codes simple Scratch games on her laptop. I have to tell her to do these things because without prompting she will just lay down and stare into space miserably.

I have told her I will bankroll any hobby she wants to do, pay for any club she'd like to join, take her to any sport she can think of, and take her on holiday anywhere she wants to go but she says she doesn't want to do anything. She has zero imagination, zero curiosity, no ambitions for her future, and just wants to lay about at home on her phone all the time.

I take her on cheap holidays to get away from the house and provide her with stimulation, but she complains whenever I tell her we're going somewhere. She's not spoilt, she's well behaved, and doesn't expect anything from me, but she takes no joy in a day out or a holiday. I could say I'm taking her to Disneyland and she wouldn't want to go.

I really do feel it's abnormal for an eleven year old not to want to go out and experience things, especially fun stuff like holidays. I have always taken her away a lot and she says it's not special and she doesn't enjoy it. In the May half term I took her to London for four nights in the YHA. We did loads of things and I took her to the theatre three of the nights. When we left I asked her what her favourite thing was and she said staying up on her phone while we waited for the cheap theatre tickets to be posted at midnight. I would have killed for a trip like that at her age, and wouldn't have been able to choose the best bit because it was all great. And we do the seaside, camping, hostelling, city breaks in Travelodges with loads of places to visit... It's cheap and it's UK but it's still fun. Well, it is for me. She's not interested at all.

I blame myself for this. I should have put restrictions on the phone from the start.
Now I'm reducing the time she thinks she's being punished. I have explained to her that letting her use the phone for ten hours is bad parenting, and that I'm not going to stop trying to stimulate her with holidays and days out because I want her to have experiences. But she says I make her feel like she's a problem. She's not a problem, she's my child. But she is fighting me every step of the way.

I just don't know how to change her mindset. I don't think that taking the phone away entirely is an option because I don't want to cut her off from her friends but I do feel like it's a barrier to increasing her happiness. I want her to live her life and actually enjoy it, not feel like the only good thing in the world is spending hours and hours scrolling YouTube shorts or looking at memes. Nothing else makes her happy.

TLDR, my kid has an unhealthy phone addiction and can find no joy in anything else.

Oh dear God! Its not too late to lay the ground rules. We restrict our children's screen time. Yes its addictive, but they are stopped 30 mins before bed, don't have them when we're out. Its hard, but you need your daughter back. You're the adult/parent. Parent your child regardless of what your partner is or isn't doing, its tour job to protect them..

My kids are adults now, and if there is one thing I have learned through painful experience and much error: don't try to be their friend. Be their parent. You pay the bills, you call the shots.

I made the decision a little while ago to give my boy an old fashioned call and text only phone when he goes to high school. Me and my husband will join him soon 👌 There's no phone usage before 11. If we don't get tougher on stuff like this as parents in society we will end up with a nation of children like zombies.

It's going to be hard OP, but I think you should go cold turkey. It's like a drug to kids...they cannot regulate it themselves and it squashes development and thought. The internet is filled with misinformation and people spouting views that are harmful to developing minds that don't have the ability to sort useful from the rubbish. In my opinion Social Media, You Tube etc is a plague ruining our children 😥😥😥

I recommend the Documentary on Channel 4 on demand....'Swiped: The School that banned Smartphones'. My husband has always been against my stance on phones/ technology etc. Changed his mind after watching that...maybe watch it yourself and then with your child? And be the change 👌👌

Have a look at TJ power and the DOSE effect. It might help you come up with some strategies to detox and reignite some motivation. He is a neuroscientist and he works with schools.

I agree w a few other mamas here. Give her a phone she can chat w but not be on socials. Or, do parental controls to keep her off social media platforms. Let her pick a place to holiday, even if she doesn't seem super interested. Does she enjoy video games at all? Thats a screen time activity you could do together. My husband and I like to play video games with them on the nintendo switch, and I am not great at it at all, but my kids do not care. They take great joy in winning, lol. They have all sorts of Lego style games for the Switch, Harry Potter, Jurassic World, super heros, etc. Maybe you could try to bond w her in that kind of way.

If you plan for her to stay on what's app, then set a timer for that for eg 30 mins a day. Set timers for everything else to 0 or 1 min or block what you can. Decide when she can have that 30 mins, eg 2 x 15 min blocks and stick to it.

Or it might be easier to go cold turkey with a brick Phone.

If she can't come up with a hobby just enrol in something and say that's what she is doing. Doesn't matter what it is. She has to give it 6 months and if she isn't into it then she can look for something else to try instead.

The meltdowns will come. Just ride them out. It will be worth it.

You and other adults will need to set a good example about your own Phone use.

Pick something to watch together on TV together before bed as a family. No one has a phone. Just something age appropriate for everyone watching it and watch an episode a night. Even just half an hour. Doesn't matter what it is, football match, episode of a box set. Something everyone has to actually watch for 30 mins at a time.

Why the hell did you give an 8 year old a phone? What were you thinking?

Hi there, I'm sorry you are going through this. I've had a similar battle with my now 15 year old who seems to have found the right balance between gym, friends and gaming/phone. I put some limits on his phone and encouraged him outside. Phones are addictive and it sounds like your child is struggling. I wonder if the phone is a distraction from difficult feelings? I'm a psychotherapist and I know that addictions can also be a way to avoid feelings. I'd encourage her to open up about how she feels about friends and school etc. Maybe she's feeling isolated? I know it's hard but these things can be nipped in the bud.

Well done on the awareness and wanting help or support now.
We do live in a very technology world and you are not alone. I had 2 of my grandchildren who were given a phone aged 6 by their late father and it took drastic measures aged 11 to remove the phone completely for a year then a slow reintroduction with restrictions.
There were massive melt downs. The school were supportive because we liaised well explaining a change in behaviours and attachment challenges and aggression with lack of motivation.
So I woukd recommend saying what you've told us in an email to the school and you may be surprised. The hard part will come from you as tough love is hard work !!
Also is your daughter neurodivergent at all ie adhd or autistic. If she hasn't been assessed its straightforward by going to the hp and ask for the right-to-choose route to assessing, it bypasses the wait on nhs. You fill in forms and then the GP will tell you who they work with and you choose one and go on their list. Takes about 4 months in total including assessment and results.
Does your daughter have a fun God mother or favourite aunt or person of trust who you can discreetly talk to and perhaps they would be willing fir bowling once a month or cinema night. A different face and perception to life and social aspect.
Other thing are Christian youth clubs, Google local churches and see if they have a youth club, the one here does make your own pizza nights, movie nights, talks etc
Then there is also you, do you have someone to talk to someone who can come along side you to support you while you turn this around.

Watch the programme that was shown on tv not so long ago with matt and emma willis going into a school and removing the phones of a whole year group (7 or 8) they also accessed the sites they were using as kids and were horrified about what they saw
My youngest is 9 all her friends have phones and have done for years , she keeps asking but the answer is no and it will continue to be no
She will have a basic phone when she goes to secondary with no internet access
My eldest is 28 and about to become a mom herself, i didnt have phone issues when she was at school but its madness now

You gave your 8 year old a smart phone with no restrictions.

what did you expect would happen?

“I blame myself for this”.

Well there’s nobody else to blame is there. Another parent who can’t say no to their child and wants to be their friend rather than their parent.

A phone from age 8 ffs......

Of course it's fine for adults to have smartphones when kids can't, in the same way it's fine for adults to drink alcohol when kids can't.

What's important is for the adults to model responsible behaviour with their phones, so no mindless scrolling on their phone in front of their children, in the same way adults shouldn't get blind drunk in front of their children. But it shouldn't be difficult for children to accept that adults are allowed to do things they aren't.

This. I have an 8 year old and I cannot actually believe anyone would think this is a good idea, it is beyond ridiculous. And that she had it for 10 hours before you said enough is enough...

You have to take control, take the phone away, there is also CBT theraphy. The not being interested in absolutely in anything else is normal with screen addiction.

What a vile thing to say about an 11 year old who has been totally let down by her parents. What's your excuse for being pathetic enough to slag off children via an anonymous social media account?

Why on earth would you get an 8 year old a phone???

The entire internet and everyone on it in an 8yo’s pocket 24/7.

Have you checked who has been talking to her? What she’s been watching? There’s almost no doubt that she will have encountered some horrendous stuff.

Absurdly swap the phone for an old non smart phone. You need to get rid of the smart features and enable her to recognise her own natural dopamine instead of manufactured instant gratification from a phone. This really is a very serious problem and you need to stop this NOW. This hatred with my son years ago when smart phones and consoles had just started to connect to the internet and we had no idea how damaging they were. He ended up witha porn addiction after being groomed online and then ended up with a condition fit according illegal in as he’s and he was just 18 when he was arrested. I failed him terribly and not a day goes by that I don’t regret not paying more attention and putting my foot down more. He got ALL of his dopamine from an interactive screen and now even tbh he’s no lover accessing porn and is 100% compliant with everything on the SHPO, he can’t enjoy anything and says that life is just flat and emotionless and shit as his “normal” level of dopamine is unacheivable now without a smart phone/pc/porn. He’s chronically miserable, has no friends as he can’t talk to people in real life, often suicidal and can’t even get out of bed most of the time. He’s 27 and his life may well be over.

I take a very different approach to many on here. Mobile phones are young people's social life these days and although many of us hate the fact, its a fact and until the government intervene and ban social media for under 16s nothing is going to change. Giving them a brick and banning them off the internet is embassassing for teens/tweens as they will then be totally out the loop in their social circle isolating and possibly causing drama, tension and even more depression. Kids back in the day used to hang around the streets with mates getting up to all sorts. Parents will always hate what kids do but the key is not to take it all away but set boundaries. So all devices out of rooms at a certain time on an evening - you can also set a phone to have "downtime" where it comes a brick between certain times and put restrictions on many apps (i-phones are best for this but you do need an apple device yourself but its brilliant. I just hit a few buttons and it renders the phone useless), no phones when eating, family time such as baking, crafting, game - no phones. Schedule in a few dates a week like this. The rest of the time I would let her have her phone (with restrictions in place). Sit her down and tell her this is how its going to be moving forward and put effort into make sure all is carried through.

You allowed your 8 year old unfettered access to the www? Are you sane? The stuff she will have seen ....Jesus 🙄

Give her a brick phone.

Tomorrow

What your describing is depression, take her to the gp and get her professional help/medication/therapy :)

I’ve not rtwt but I am certain the smart phone defenders will have logged on. This bit is their usual excuse: plus it's useful for emergencies and gives some comfort when she is in walking home alone from school

That or saying the child will be socially isolated if they take away the precious smart phone.

OP as you have recognised the phone is ruining her life. No amount of parental restrictions can overcome what is a highly addictive item. Get rid of it now. Many many others are waking up to the same realisation and ditching smart phones for their kids.

Exactly why give a phone to a 8 year old, her problems are your fault.

Swap the phone for a brick phone (non smart phone). My 12 year old carries a GPS tracker when away from the house, no phone. She knows our numbers by heart and everyone on the planet has a phone - in an emergency she only needs to ask someone.
She has a laptop however only has access to it when her room is spotless and she has bathed/showered that day. Any attitude and she loses the laptop for the day. As you can imagine, quite often she is screen free! And then we see the creative side of her come out.