Husband's family are stingy while he is so generous

[koolkatxx]

Posting for some perspective because I’m really annoyed and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting.
DH is genuinely such a loving, generous person, especially towards his family. He has a sister who is married with 4 kids. Every time we see them, he buys them gifts, and for birthdays we go all out- for his sister, her husband, and all 4 kids which I am not complaining about at all, they are family and I am happy to do so. They live in a different city, but we still make sure gifts are sent to arrive on their birthdays.
When we’re with them in person, my husband often pays for everyone. It’s usually just me and him (2 people) and then them (6 people). His sister’s husband never offers to pay for us or cover a meal; he just sits there expecting my husband to pay, and sometimes my husband has to awkwardly say, “Shall we split it?”
The thing that really annoys me is that on my husband’s birthday, none of them ever buy him a gift. Not even a small token from the kids. We buy gifts for 6 of them and my husband gets nothing in return. I sometimes get a gift and sometimes I don't. Meanwhile, we spend so much on them during the year, for birthdays, Christmas, random treats, etc. It just feels so one-sided and I feel crap for my husband more than anything to be honest, but he is not one to complain about that.
AIBU to be really annoyed about this? I feel like the least they could do is show some appreciation on his birthday of all days.

Are they nice in other ways? Do you enjoy their company? What happened when your husband suggested splitting the bill? Did they contribute?

Yes my husband’s sister is actually really lovely. I get on well with her and so does my husband, and we love the kids, they’re great.
Her husband is a different situation. He has very different opinions and values from us (and from most of the world), and he’s quite outspoken and sometimes a bit rude, so we’re not super close to him, but we’re friendly enough on the surface.
When my husband suggests splitting the bill, his sister’s husband will agree, but it’s almost like he feels forced. He asks loads of questions about how much things cost, who had what, etc. It makes the whole thing quite awkward.

I have stingy people in my family. Their view is that the inviter pays, fair enough, but they never reciprocate.

They are also mean spirited in other ways.

Short arms, deep pockets syndrome

The family I married into are generous in all ways including in spirit.

As the Italians say “they have crocodile arms”

That's a good description

Don’t expect them to change.

its possible they may have money issues/ debts they’re not telling you about

To be honest, gifts for both generations of the family does start to get a bit expensive. What happens when the kids have their own kids, will you gift to them too? The way my family does it, is that only the younger generation get a gift, when they’re 18 it stops. Adults just get a card.

I would stick to buying a small thing for the kids (£10 max), and scrap the meals. If you want to see the kids on their birthday, just drop in and visit, or phone them. You don’t have to make a big song and dance about it, if they ask just explain that you can’t afford to pay for everyone.

appreciation isn’t always about the biggest gifts and expensive meals. If he doesn’t even bother with a card I would be a bit upset, but I think rather than confronting them I’d just mirror their behaviour.

That's the issue though- even when they invite, they sit back until my husband either pays or asks to split! We spent so much money going to their city to see them and we went out for food most days and they never paid once!

If it is getting to you, I would propose when you see them suggest ordering separately at the start 'to keep things easy'. I'd also raise the topic of presents to agree a way forward - along the lines of 'now we are getting older, birthday presents seem a bit OTT don't they - how about we all only buy for the children in future? Also - what about Xmas? what would work for you? You can still send a card and phone your SIL on her birthday to let her know you are thinking of her

politely decline if they invite you again.

I agree with you. On the kid's birthdays this past year I have said to my husband that it might be best to keep the gifts on the cheaper side- we spend around £50 n the birthday child and he always buys small gifts for the other children so they don't get upset!!! So we end up spending around £100 for each child's birthday!!!

I think I will definitely suggest this, thank you!

Are you obviously much better off than they are? I think sometimes people feel a sense of entitlement towards wealthy relatives, as though they owe them in some way. Not that it's ok, I just wondered if that's how they see it.

No, we actually earn pretty much the same as they do! Maybe they feel that way because we don’t have kids, but I don’t think that’s fair. We have other expenses that they don’t, and it was their choice to have four children. Also, we don’t have kids not by choice- we’ve been trying for years, so it’s a bit of a sensitive topic for us too. And we obviously have lots of expenses that come with trying for many years. But I am just guessing that could be why they think we are more wealthy than them?

Every time we see them, he buys them gifts, and for birthdays we go all out

That should have stopped some time ago.

Just stop covering their meals and agree that the bill will be split with each family paying their share. I wouldn’t expect a couple with four children to necessarily have the money to be covering anyone else’s meals, and whilst your DH might like to be seen as the generous one, it’s unnecessary.

Buy smaller birthday gifts for the DC and stop with nonsense like buying gifts for all the children when it’s not their birthday or “just because” gifts when you visit. It’s just unnecessary spending which you’ve chosen to do but is totally unneeded.

I completely agree with you, but I don’t think my husband would. All the children are under 8, and he’d argue that they’d be upset if one of them got a present and the others didn’t. It's a whole cycle! 😑

That's worse and must make you feel you are only invited for your wallet.

£50 from extended family is absolutely ridiculous, let alone £100. For your own child, maybe. For nieces and nephews, no way. I’m shocked their parents even let them accept that much .

either a gift OR money (if over 10, usually money) is the best way to go. I have never given or received more than £20 for my birthday from aunties/uncles, and that I considered generous.

once they’re turned 18 they either will have a job, or be entitled to money, and a card should suffice. With a fiver for a drink in it if you’re feeling generous!

Then this is a DH problem which you need to sort out with him if you no longer want household finances to be spent this way. If he wants to play the Big Man with his wallet and go around treating everybody to meals and gifts, and won’t say to anyone that he’s hurt he never gets a birthday present, that’s for him to own. You can insist that he doesn’t use any joint money to do it, and express to him that you think he’s being daft to spend so much.

Stop buying them gifts and stop paying for meals. If I went out with them again I'd make a point to only pay for what we had.

Token gift for kids- they don't all need a gift on siblings birthday- that's absolutely crazy and why some kids are spoiled brats these days!!

Stop being doormats!! You're obviously understandably fed up of it and of family money being spent like this.

I'd be knocking the gifts right on the head now and stop paying for everything.

Thanks everyone- these comments have made me realise how OTT we have been!!! I agree with everyone and will have a word with my husband to change how we operate. The crazy part is that when it is an occasion and my husband makes a point of inviting them out “on him” his sister will go out of her way to order so much! She will see two cocktails on the menu that she cannot decide between and will say “should I just try them both?” I feel like we have allowed ourselves to become doormats at this point and it needs to change.
I have said to him many times on the kids birthdays that a £15 gift would suffice as kids do not know the difference or care anyway but he always wants to spoil them which is annoying.

if he refuses then I would separate your finances. It’s his family after all.

We have separate finances but we do go halves on the birthday gifts! Our only joint account is our savings. My money is my own don’t worry!

also I skipped over the bit where he buys not- feeling-left -out gifts for the other kids. That’s insane. Your husband is probs subsidising these kids pocket money that their father won’t give them