Husband's family are stingy while he is so generous

[koolkatxx]

Posting for some perspective because I’m really annoyed and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting.
DH is genuinely such a loving, generous person, especially towards his family. He has a sister who is married with 4 kids. Every time we see them, he buys them gifts, and for birthdays we go all out- for his sister, her husband, and all 4 kids which I am not complaining about at all, they are family and I am happy to do so. They live in a different city, but we still make sure gifts are sent to arrive on their birthdays.
When we’re with them in person, my husband often pays for everyone. It’s usually just me and him (2 people) and then them (6 people). His sister’s husband never offers to pay for us or cover a meal; he just sits there expecting my husband to pay, and sometimes my husband has to awkwardly say, “Shall we split it?”
The thing that really annoys me is that on my husband’s birthday, none of them ever buy him a gift. Not even a small token from the kids. We buy gifts for 6 of them and my husband gets nothing in return. I sometimes get a gift and sometimes I don't. Meanwhile, we spend so much on them during the year, for birthdays, Christmas, random treats, etc. It just feels so one-sided and I feel crap for my husband more than anything to be honest, but he is not one to complain about that.
AIBU to be really annoyed about this? I feel like the least they could do is show some appreciation on his birthday of all days.

Could you not say that you will contribute X amount for each child's birthday, and if he wants to spoil them further he can top up with his own money?

I don't think you should expect him to reign in gifts for kids that he obviously loves and enjoys giving - but you don't have to pay for this.

Sounds similar to DHs dynamics with his Dsis and their family. I think they got used to him being the high flyer with the big income treating them all including his nephews, then I came along. But circumstances change, we had our own DS and we are now near retirement and should not be treating adults who probably have more disposable income than we do. But thing is DH secretly enjoys being the generous uncle and brother, so it comes hard to him to keep his hands in his pockets.

This year is the first year that we have paid a fair share on our holiday rental - previously we have always paid more than what we used and for meals we now tend to go to places that use apps, so everyone can pay for their own. It’s hard to break out of long standing habits, DBil is also weird around eating out and costs and tipping ( used to steal ours and use it towards our share until I got wise to it) so our natural inclination was to smooth things over by just paying for things, but it never seemed to make anyone happier or more grateful and meant we spent more money, so we stopped.

I wonder if being too generous is maladjusted, just as bring stingy is. It’s people pleasing and must be in part rooted in having felt a need to keep everyone happy when he was a child. It’s also not entirely considerate to you as it causes you anxiety.
I would have a frank talk with him where you plan a strategy for each scenario involving his family. I’d definitely extricate yourselves from situations where you’re paying for multiple meals for everyone and I’d set a lower budget for the children’s presents.
Remember, that in the future this generosity will go unremarked on and unremembered-it’s just been a waste of your resources.

Always, always split the bill- they should pay their share. Buy the children a small gift , provided of course, you get a thank you, even if that’s only a text from one of the parents- if a thank you doesn’t come simply stop
providing presents and if it’s mentioned just say you thought they weren’t interested in receiving them as they were never acknowledged. Stop the one sided adult birthday present buying and suggest that at Christmas the four of you have a secret Santa so you only buy one present each. If you don’t get a present under this system
then never buy a present again. Remind yourselves that it isn’t good for the children to only receive and never show thanks or see their parents reciprocate- they will grow up similarly mean spirited and will have an awful shock when others are not so ridiculously one sidedly generous. It isn’t actually about the money- presents can cost a couple of pounds/ it’s about them having no thought for you whatsoever. Stand firm

YANBU there should be split bills to make it fairer.
However, I should think having four children makes eating out etc very expensive and there may be some financial issues that you're both not aware of. It does seem they're taking advantage though 😕

For the children not to be left out you can buy inexpensive gifts, colouring books, pens, stickers young children have no idea of the cost and a very small present is sufficient. When it comes to splitting the bill your DH's family is doing well considering there are 2 of you and 6 of them !

Tell the waitstaff you want separate bills at the start.
Stop buying the adults gifts. I’d stop with the kids too but if you want keep that up. I had my kids later than my relatives my age and most of my friends. I spent years buying their kids gifts. When mine eventually came along what did they get from all these people? Nothing.

Almost had a situation in my family with in-laws that other children got small gifts on the birthday child’s birthday. I put a stop to that. Ridiculous!

Its a fast way to spoilt, greedy, entitled children.

The birthday child is allowed a day to be special/centre of attention. As long as all the family children are treated the same in their big day that’s all that matters.

£50 to a niece/nephew is also a lot. We set gifts to family at £20. Only DC get gifts (even if the DC are adults - small family)

Reduce the gift giving! For some family members we give a tiny gift and then a contribution for their savings for the future.