Husband's family are stingy while he is so generous

[koolkatxx]

Posting for some perspective because I’m really annoyed and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting.
DH is genuinely such a loving, generous person, especially towards his family. He has a sister who is married with 4 kids. Every time we see them, he buys them gifts, and for birthdays we go all out- for his sister, her husband, and all 4 kids which I am not complaining about at all, they are family and I am happy to do so. They live in a different city, but we still make sure gifts are sent to arrive on their birthdays.
When we’re with them in person, my husband often pays for everyone. It’s usually just me and him (2 people) and then them (6 people). His sister’s husband never offers to pay for us or cover a meal; he just sits there expecting my husband to pay, and sometimes my husband has to awkwardly say, “Shall we split it?”
The thing that really annoys me is that on my husband’s birthday, none of them ever buy him a gift. Not even a small token from the kids. We buy gifts for 6 of them and my husband gets nothing in return. I sometimes get a gift and sometimes I don't. Meanwhile, we spend so much on them during the year, for birthdays, Christmas, random treats, etc. It just feels so one-sided and I feel crap for my husband more than anything to be honest, but he is not one to complain about that.
AIBU to be really annoyed about this? I feel like the least they could do is show some appreciation on his birthday of all days.

They don’t appreciate what you’re choosing to spend on them or recognize it as the generosity it is, but taking it as something owed to them.

They’re taking the piss, but you’re allowing them to. Your husband especially. They’re not going to change because why would they? They’re benefiting. The onus is on you and your husband to end this dynamic. If your husband wants to continue then he can do it with his own money.

On the plus side your husband sounds a very kind man but this is getting ridiculous.

He buys presents whenever he sees them... if it is one kids birthday he buys presents for all the kids... he buys presents for adults that don't buy presents for him year in year out.

To be honest I don't blame his brother for not buying presents - your husband should just stop. Our environment is straining under all the unwanted tat that we buy for each other.

Meals out for a family with 4 kids sounds expensive - and that's not for a moment suggesting that you should pay but it sounds like you visited them and kept eating out. I think for everyone's budget you should see if you can find alternatives. E.g. could you suggest one if you are staying with them you take turns organising dinner - e.g. supermarket pizzas and salad or whatever.

There is generous versus stingy but there is also flush versus skint. And there is also financial priorities. It seems to me like your husbands generosity has been over generosity setting him in a role of the bountiful splurger. I'm not sure the solution is to expect a father of 4 kids to pay for everyone in restaurants I think the solution is to reign it in.

This. Calling it ‘generosity’ is reframing stupidity as a virtue.

It isn’t.

It feels like your husband is overly generous and your getting annoyed they are not matching it.
Just stop with all the paying for things, you're two separate family units going out for a meal, there's no reason for him to insist on paying for everyone.
My BIL and SIL noticeably order more when they know they aren't paying for a meal, it's shocking and I would never offer to even pay half with them.

They a takers, plain and simple. There's plenty like them. The only thing you can control is how much you let them take from you.

I'd be cutting out gifts for the adults for starters.

I get more joy from giving than receiving, maybe that's where he gets his joy, he could roll it back if he wanted, but has chosen not to.

Agree with @Winter2020 completely. They may have other financial priorities and that is up to them. The meals out need to stop or you and your dh decide you are not going to be angry they never pitch up to take their turn to pay. Also the buying loads of toys seems very OTT. Your husband's and your company should be enough for the nephews and nieces.... the two cocktails thing is ridiculous! That would really wind me up when they have no intention of paying or making it awkward :( Your husband needs to be more confident that his presence is enough and only spend what you collectively are happy to spend, knowing it is not going to be reciprocated x

Id stop buying for them and always split the bill

Do you put more in savings than him? If so I'd no longer have a joint pot.

I'd only contribute £10 to each birthday child's gift, it's up to him if he spends more.

Just to say, when I didn’t have kids I loved to be an auntie and loved buying presents for nieces and nephews. It’s an important family member for kids. Maybe your husband is enjoying investing in his nieces and nephews and enjoys buying nice presents for them, that’s why he is being generous with presents.
i think it’s a good thing to scale it back, but he might want to pay some extra into a savings account for them. For example if going forward it’s £15 presents and no left out presents at birthdays, he could put £5 or something into an account for them instead (and don’t tell them). As the years go by the amount will increase as he tops it up when he can then he could give them a lump sum to go to college with or put towards a nice item/holiday or something when they are grown up.
They would probably appreciate that more and he would still be investing in his nieces and nephews. It’s really nice for them to have an uncle that is generous and cares for them.
I still love doing what I can for my nieces and nephews 😀

£20 in a card would be a good birthday present for the birthday child because they can choose what they want and it's not so visible that it would be hard for the other kids to cope. For 4 kids that's £80 each year and job done. Just say you are getting concerned about the environment so you are just going to give the birthday child money to choose what they want.

If your husband would rather give £30/£40/£50 as long as it's the same for each child then it's very straight forward and the other children will know or can be told that they get theirs when it is their birthday. At least they can spend it on what they actually want or save it towards something that they want.

I wouldn't assume that the parents love having lots of new toys to find space for every time you visit. They might prefer the change.

Honestly, just stop it. What is the point of birthdays if everyone gets a present? You are teaching them nothing OP. Just buy less. It feels like you are trying to buy love from them.

It’s all very one-sided and it must be hurtful to see your husband’s generosity go unreciprocated, especially on something as basic as his birthday.

It’s completely fair to scale back, especially when the thoughtfulness isn’t being matched. There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries, and spending less doesn’t make you any less kind or caring.

Sorry, I know I'll be the odd one, but maybe it's just that he really loves his family and the kids. We see my family once a year and also buy gifts for everyone (clothes and chocolates for kids and it's kind of a cultural thing) and a big gift on a special occassion. I know that my DH sends some money to his family, too, but it doesn't bother me in the slightest as we share similar values - our families are very important to us and I know they would support us in tough times. I think what your DH does with his family is his business as long as it doesn't have any impact on your finances. What about your family? Maybe you're resentful as you don't feel the same towards your family and you are not close to them?

I agree it's lovely to care about and treat Nephew's and Nieces but that doesn't need to mean toys every visit. It can be more low key for example if you are all at the park he could get them ice creams from the ice cream van and that would equally bring your husband the pleasure of treating them.

Agree, looking at this from the other side they aren't forcing you to do anything, your husband is choosing to do this. You can only change your own behaviour not theirs so just stop.

You spend way too much on them and are very thoughtful however buying the other children gifts takes away the magic of the birthday child. It’s the birthday child’s special day and they shouldn’t have to share it.

I agree. It’s actually ruining the birthday child’s birthday a bit. Not cool.

Surely they are loaded only someone extremely wealthy would have 4 children in this day and age.

That makes it easier for you to stop buying the non-birthday presents. If he doesn't agree to stop this custom, he can contribute more from his account.

His sister isn’t that lovely if she doesn’t offer to share the bill, doesn’t buy her brother a gift when she’s spending so much and orders 2 expensive cocktails knowing she’s not paying! Wtaf! I don’t how you can enjoy dinners with then especially the husband, so embarrassing that there’s 6 of them and he has to be forced to pay his share. I’d order and pay separately from now on. Tbh your husband has a big part to play in it too, £50 for a birthday gift is far too much and buying the others is crazy

I've never understood the Idea of buying other kids a gift so they don't feel left out when a sibling has a birthday. They SHOULD feel left out - it's not their day! They get their chance on their birthday.
I don't think your problem is your in-laws, it's your husband! He clearly likes splashing the cash being the favourite uncle and I doubt that you will be able to change him. If someone enjoys spending on others you will have a hard time stopping them.
I understand because I love gift giving, friends will say you really should cut down but I love finding just the right gift, regardless of the price. I always say I am not bothered about getting gifts back, a nice card is sufficient, and I mean it 100%, I get far more enjoyment out of shopping for others than I do from receiving gifts. If your hubby's love language is gift giving you will find it hard to get him to stop!

I think it is lovely to be a generous auntie and uncle and am sure you enjoy buying the children presents and treats. I would not cut back on that, but would cut back on presents for adults and make sure the expectation is that all bills are split.

Kids can’t be expected to buy reciprocal presents fir adults, but their parents can be expected to let them know when auntie & uncle’s birthdays are and IME kids love doing a drawing / writing a poem / making a card - things that cost nothing but kids won’t do if they don’t know.

We have kids and my brother/sil don't. We very robustly refuse gifts at birthdays and Christmas and tell them just to buy for the kids. I do think little kids appreciate/need gifts more, maybe because birthdays and Christmas just matter more when you're little.
They just sound like they're cheeky, they've sold themselves a story like "they've no kids and 2 incomes, they must be rolling in it, it's their duty to subsidise us". Just hold firm on meals out etc, it'll be awkward but don't cave or tell your husband not to cave! Send a card for the adults and kids don't know the value of toys at that age, they'll love something cheap as much as something expensive. Yes they're CF but your husband needs to hold firm, everyone's got used to this dynamic so it'll be hard to stop it without any awkwardness. If there's something you're saving towards maybe remind him before seeing them "yes let's treat the kids to some smarties each but we can't pay for dinner, it'll impact saving for our trip to xyz/new kitchen etx"

Thank you so much everyone for all these thoughtful replies- I’ve read every single one and you’ve given me a lot to think about. I completely agree that the dynamic has become one-sided and that my husband’s generosity has gone a bit OTT. It’s true it takes away from making the birthday child feel special, and it’s also become a big expense. The only thing that worries me is that the kids are so young- the eldest is 8, then 6, 5, and 3. I have other mum friends who complain to me about people buying birthday gifts for one child and not for the siblings when the kids are that young. And growing up, my parents also always gifted both my sister and me on our birthdays.
A lot of you are right that the issue is my husband choosing to be this generous and that his family has simply got used to it. I know he genuinely loves his sister and the kids and finds joy in treating them, but I do think he feels obligated to keep everyone happy, especially the kids.
We’re not massively better off than his sister’s family- we earn roughly the same- but I do think they see us as having more disposable income.
As for the meals out, I completely agree we need to stop covering everything, or at least make it clear that we’re splitting the bill from the start. It’s incredibly awkward when my husband has to bring it up at the table. Recently he has been better at splitting the bill and not paying for them. But it needs to stop completely.
I’m definitely going to talk to him about scaling things back. It is clearly getting out of hand and causing resentment.