To join a church when I’m not religious?

[lulugrape]

I think I just want to talk to people about this who don’t know me in real life at the moment because I feel too nervous to talk to anyone else yet.

Neither my husband nor I have local family and we’ve both struggled to make many parent friends for our daughter who is now one - we both have a couple of individual parent friends but nothing that could be considered a group. At the same time many of our friends before children have now drifted or aren’t local.

I grew up going to church and while neither me nor my husband are religious, now that we have a child, I really miss the welcoming church community and sense of having a neighbourhood and also tradition and history etc that comes with going to church. I feel very isolated and like our daughter is growing up without any real community around her or local network. I’m considering starting to bring my daughter to church on a Sunday in order to put down some roots and try and find somewhere welcoming and local.

I just wanted to discuss this with others online I guess. I think my husband might have some pushback in principle since we’re both firmly not religious. I wouldn’t be asking him to come with. Is it… ok to go to church even though not religious? I wouldn’t exactly be advertising this!

Might be hard to truly feel part of a community when you'll end up hiding a part of yourself that is core to that group...

Your child is only one, you'll probably find it easier to make parent friends once your kid starts making friends at nursery or school and then you can start enabling playdates. The parents will be involved in those early playdates so a chance to get to know them. Also once you start going to the park regularly, can be a way to meet other adults with kids your age

Definitely not unreasonable.
I’m a regular church goer and we have people associated with our church who aren’t religious. We have various clubs and weekly meetings they can join in with as well as the traditional Sunday ones.
One of our regular attenders is actually a Muslim and he’s completely welcome. He has his own reasons for not wanting to attend a mosque at present, but wants to be part of that type of community.
Give it a go. (And if you’re in portsmouth let me know :) )

I totally get why you'd want to do this op and tbh I don't think there would be a big issue with it really, ultimately churches are in decline and people who want to actually get involved in the community aspect of them are crucial to the running and thriving of a church. So even if you don't believe, you should still be welcome.

I think the thing you need to consider is the different messages your dd will grow up hearing and how that sits with you in terms of your own personal beliefs. Some churches will be more liberally minded than others so I guess it'll be a matter of trying different ones out until you find a good fit for your family. It might be difficult to engage with the spiritual aspect of it, for example home groups or similar which in some churches is a really big part of that sense of community and belonging. But again, that depends on the way the individual church works, some are more insular and faith/ teaching focused, and some are more community and service focused and more inclusive.

The other alternative is trying to form a parents group yourself, or try to join a local stay and play group.

I empathise, I've recently moved as well and really miss having a sense of community and actual friendships around me. I have faith but certain non negotiables that I want to see in the churches I support and involve ds in, and can't find one in this area that meets those so I'm not currently attending. I'm hoping that when he gets a bit older it'll be easier!

It’s a really good idea. Churches are brilliant with babies and small children, loads of groups and fun activities, you’ll meet lots of locals who’ve got similar lives to
you. Attendance of communion might be in decline but churches give a lot more than mass at 8am. <shudder>.

Anyone who asks prying questions about your relationship to Jesus is rude and should be ignored. I shouldn’t think
anyone will.

Churches often do lots of regular kids activities or craft after school type things.
I don’t know ‘what’ I believe but I regularly went to church events when mine were little. And made great friends. This then did expand into Easter, Christmas harvest festival type of services. The C of E church was very much ‘The more the merrier’ so was happy for people to go along.

William Temple, who was Archbishop of Canterbury 1942-44, famously said,

"The Church is the only society that exists for the benefit of those who are not its members."

Sounds like an invitation to me.

If you are drawn to church then go for it!
I think the Church of England might be a good fit if you can find an inclusive and welcoming parish with a good programme of kids activities.
I was raised in the church of England and I strongly suspect a lot of people I knew growing up who were heavily involved in the community didn't 100% believe in it.
Speaking as a Christian who actually does believe in it all, I would rather people were in the church than out of it, even if they have doubts about their faith. Wishing you all the best and I hope you find the community you are looking for ❤️ 🙏

I am sure they will welcome you all with open arms bless you @lulugrape 💐

I would. Our relatives go to church every Sunday and have lots of friends and happenings with their mates. And the kids have tons of friends.

You don’t have to “join” a church, you can just go to one if you want to whenever you want to.

I went to church for the first time in ages on Sunday for different reasons (I felt I needed somewhere just to have a sit in silence) I was brought up Catholic but don't believe in it anymore. TBH it was so relaxing I might start going regularly! Everyone seemed very friendly and said hello to me, and people were chatting away after the service.

I don't think a one year old baby needs you to have parent friends for her sake! You will naturally encounter more parents with children her age when she goes to nursery and especially when she starts school.

If you are personally lonely, then I would concentrate on making friends for your own sake, and not only target parents. And I certainly wouldn't, in your shoes, sit through a weekly religious service you don't believe in to try to dip into a community that involves you hiding from the other members your own lack of religious belief.

She’ll need to be baptized to get into a church school-attendance alone isn’t enough…

I think you might feel even more excluded if you go somewhere where everyone has a belief system and you don't. Churches can be very traditional and you may not share some of the views. Also you'll be roped in to helping with refreshments, fetes, fundraising etc so be prepared to stand firm if you're not up for that.
If they hold baby groups in the week etc, they are generally not confined to believers and might be more suitable than attending the services.

My mum did that, best thing she did for me op.

Good god no I wouldn’t. You’ll make friends when she goes to nursery/ school. Of course the church will welcome you - their whole mission is to convert you. I wouldn’t want my children growing up hearing the messages of the church personally.

I would look for the right church. Unitarians in particular might be a good match.

Go for it op!
it’s interesting that there is a pretty obvious split between those who go to church saying come along and those who don’t, saying don’t!!

I think it depends on the specific church. I would suggest you be open and honest about it and go to speak to the pastor (or equivalent) about it.

My friend is involved in the running of a church and they have several atheists involved, both in the congregation and the wider church community. The only restriction is that they can’t hold a church office or give pastoral care.

At my church you would be so welcome. We welcome everyone, regardless of their race, beliefs, sexual orientation etc etc, it's a really lovely, friendly place to be and there would be loads of people wanting to chat (and try and feed you cake) and make friends. I would 'shop around' so to speak as different churches have different practices and ways of doing things, it's about finding the right one for you. Don't be put off if the first few don't feel right. Might be worth asking around for one that has lots of children.

You could go on a Sunday, but lots of churches have playgroups and all sorts of other activities on through the week too so if dh isn't mad keen you could sell it to him that way?

Good god no

😂

You haven’t said how old your dd is, but I met lots of friends at mum and baby groups, some of them I’m still friends with 30 years later. Is there anything like that nearby? We would go to group then some of us would meet at each other’s houses for coffee on other days (you haven’t said whether you’re at work or not so that might be tricky for you)

😂yeah, that’s hilarious! Well spotted.

I say go for it, hold it lightly and see what it's like - going once doesn't mean you have to go twice, just see how it goes.

I take my son to our local C of E during advent and at Christmas, just to counteract the consumerism of secular Christmas. I've been really surprised at how welcoming people are, and willing to take us as they find us. I've made no pretense of wanting more than dipping our toe in but everyone there seems to take it as a God given opportunity to welcome us as far in as we want to be welcomed. There's a lot more walking the walk than I anticipated.