To join a church when I’m not religious?

[lulugrape]

I think I just want to talk to people about this who don’t know me in real life at the moment because I feel too nervous to talk to anyone else yet.

Neither my husband nor I have local family and we’ve both struggled to make many parent friends for our daughter who is now one - we both have a couple of individual parent friends but nothing that could be considered a group. At the same time many of our friends before children have now drifted or aren’t local.

I grew up going to church and while neither me nor my husband are religious, now that we have a child, I really miss the welcoming church community and sense of having a neighbourhood and also tradition and history etc that comes with going to church. I feel very isolated and like our daughter is growing up without any real community around her or local network. I’m considering starting to bring my daughter to church on a Sunday in order to put down some roots and try and find somewhere welcoming and local.

I just wanted to discuss this with others online I guess. I think my husband might have some pushback in principle since we’re both firmly not religious. I wouldn’t be asking him to come with. Is it… ok to go to church even though not religious? I wouldn’t exactly be advertising this!

Dd is one and a half. I find it really difficult to get chatting to people I don’t know when they all know each other. I have found the baby/toddler groups I’ve tried really cliquey!

Each to their own. Personally I would rather chop off a toe than join any religious group but if you think it works for you, then go for it.

Do come. A good church is the strongest local community I’ve ever encountered. And great for children too.

If you want a “less-religious” version then google “Messy Church” to see if there’s one near you at a convenient time. It’s aimed especiallly at babies and small children and their parents. Lots (maybe even most) of the adults who go never come on a Sunday and probably aren’t religious - and that’s fine. But ours gets incredibly strong feedback, for exactly the reasons you describe - looking after small children can be lonely, and having a little community of local parents in the same boat can be a lifesaver.

Well, everyone at church will already know one another as well.

Your baby doesn't need friends at this stage. If you want more friends for yourself, I would do an activity that interests you and is likely to attract like-minded people, rather than attending a ritual devoted to worshipping a deity you don't believe in.

Come to church. We have a few babies. It’s great. I love feeling part of the community.

There are dozens of activities and groups you could join without having to go to church.

Have you looked into baby groups at local village halls, music groups, baby sensory, swimming lessons…? I could go on and on.

Definitely do some shopping around, I'm sure you know it's not one size fits all ( I variously attend Quaker meetings and C of E. This usually depends on whether I'm feeling chatty or not). Either way, think it's a great idea. Have fun!

It depends on the church but I'd say the act of joining one does make you a bit religious to an extent. Else you wouldn't even consider that as a way to make friends.
I'd say they'll try and get you to become a bit more religious if you start going regularly.

I think it's a bit odd tbh... the whole point of attending a place of worship is to celebrate your shared belief!
Would you join a Mosque or a Temple??

That said, many churches have play groups during the week, and it'd be totally fine to go to one of those if you're not religious

This. I'd get yourself down to your local church right away 😊

I think most churches would welcome you in these circumstances, even knowing you aren't a believer yourself. It's a long time since I was a regular church-goer, but my experience was always that the congregation were happy to have people of any level of faith (including none) as part of the flock. They may see you as a potential convert or someone on their way to believing, or they may just be happy to have you in the community whatever your faith.

I wouldn't lie about being more devout than you are. There's no need. You don't have to pass a test of faith to be a member of the church. You'll be welcome there regardless.

I’m think this post says a lot. Some churches are very open like this and there are no expectations of their members.
Some, however, are far more conservative and it would matter to them.
You need to establish what type of church you’d be dealing with.
Our local church won’t even allow yoga classes in the church hall, it’s so conservative!

Why not? You are seeking something that you hope the church may offer. Sounds like a good reason for going.

honestly? No. Not if you aren’t open to exploring your faith again, even casually.

i know children go to church based youth groups but aren’t religious. But an adult going to church and either being open about not being religious, or lying to them all that you are religious isn’t great.

I would have a look on the meet-up website or local FB groups.

I find it interesting you mention you grew up going to church and enjoyed it; but it’s your husband who might have pushback

Are you really non religious? Or are you open to exploring your faith again, and you say you’re non religious purely because of your husband?

I would say I’m Christian, but I’m not super strict about it and I don’t really go to church. You don’t have to be like Ned flanders to be Christian. My partner is very much non religious, but would have no qualms if I wanted to attend church, though he’d probably not join me himself.

Definitely non religious. I wish I believed, as I think I would find it comforting to have faith in something, but I don’t. I just miss the sense of community and the songs and stories that I grew up with and am sad that my child won’t get any of that cultural tradition.

Why @simsbustinoutmimi ? All the church goers on this thread have said -come on in!

There are unwelcoming people in every community, even churches, but most will be pleased to see you. Not all will be particularly well set up, so you may want to try a few.

I know a lot of churches through work and while they all want to be welcoming some miss the mark slightly for fear of offending traditionalists. They are not the majority though, and are getting fewer all the time for obvious reasons!

I'd say you're culturally Christian - like most people who celebrate Christmas. I'm atheist but that doesn't stop me from giving gifts, putting up a tree, painting eggs at Easter. I think you just need to find the right church who is understanding of your need for community. Or go for the major days.

How about trying Sunday Assembly, if there is one near you? It won't have the Christian stuff, but there'll be some singing and a few speakers
https://www.sundayassembly.org/

I’m sure they will be welcoming, people at church are really nice IME. However there will always be a divide if OP is openly unreligious. While the people who work at the church are fine about anyone joining in OP may find - if she is open about not believing- some of the parishioners may a. Consistently try and get her to go back to her old faith. B. Only be keen to hang outside of church with people of faith. It’s easier to make friends knowing you share the “thing” in common. Presumably OP is looking for regular friends and not just ones she sees during Sunday service.

it would suck for OP having to lie throughout and some may feel quite betrayed if they found out.

im just saying there are far better options than church if OP wants to make friends and bring her husband along too as it sounds like he doesn’t wish to attend church. There’s meet-up groups online and OP will probably have a local community centre.

Going to church if you’re “firmly not religious” just sounds like a bit of a strange idea.

NC for this one for obvious reasons. When we moved into the catchment of a lovely CofE village school it became clear DS may not get in without attending the church regularly. Despite being vocal atheists, DH and I decided to give it a go just to see if we could bear it. No one was more surprised than us that we found ourselves really enjoying it. We obviously don’t advertise our lack of belief and have felt hypocritical at times, but we’ve met so many lovely people. 2 years later and DS will be starting at the school in September, we have a lovely community of people in the area that we didn’t know before and I’m even on the family activities committee 🙈

I don’t believe in god any more than I did before but I’m now pro- church as a positive part of the community.

Having said all that, if church isn’t for you, there are plenty of ways to find a community with kids - toddler play groups, swim classes, nursery all offer opportunities to meet other parents.

This is the thing though, as you didn’t advertise your lack of belief you were essentially “lying” in a way to other parishioners. Obviously this was ok with you but may not be for OP if she’s intending to make long term friends based on a fib.

Actually, some posts have made me think.

Quaker meetings are particularly open to those of any faith/ none (recommend their website, it will be far more articulate than I am). That said, I'm not sure they are super set up for children, though that could well be just my local one, would be interested in perspective of those who attend more frequently than I do (I'm also not a member. No one particularly expects you to be, I'm using this as an example of the fact I'm no expert).

Slightly OT but I took my 11 year old to a mosque, just for her general education. The imam was very kind and welcoming to us and gave us a lot of his time. She announced on leaving that she wanted to go to a children's session there, which I was fine with but when i explained that I would not (and probably could not) join the women's prayers but would wait for her in the vestibule she wasnt so keen. But we had a really good experience there.

Most CofE churches plan their main Sunday services to be accessible to everyone. They know lots of people don’t believe, don’t know what to believe, or are just wondering what it’s like.

No-one will enquire as to the state of your soul or whether you have given your life to Jesus. What you choose to share in conversation is entirely up to you. The service assumes shared belief because that’s what we’re there for, but no one is paying attention to how enthusiastically you join in.

Churches tend to have study groups, prayer groups etc for people who want to go deeper. That’s when you would be more likely- if you wanted- to express your reservations, doubts, total lack of belief. You’d still be welcome. Most adult Christian’s will have had some periods in their life where they haven’t entirely believed, I expect.

Theres probably an unwritten Father Christmas protocol at play- don’t talk about what you don’t believe in, in front of the small children!

God will not smite you down for attending and not believing.
Just don't advertise to the other church goers .
If the local is friendly give it a go.
I joina relative sometimes for singing groups etc no one cares or asks what you believe and if they do it is not the right church for you.

In your shoes I would be completely open and honest with everyone, and accept that it will limit your involvement in some ways. We have people - mostly OHs - who attend our church on and off who are open about not being Christian personally. They are very welcome to attend anything they like and have good friendships in the community, but obviously they aren't going to be leading / teaching / voting on church matters etc, and we have events they wouldn't usually feel comfortable at and generally don't go to (prayer meetings / Bible studies). On the other hand I've also spent time in a church where a decent percentage of the regulars didn't seem to really believe in anything much and treated it as a sort of rotary club with bonus singing and it was just dead and depressing, so I'm not terribly apologetic about churches setting some boundaries as ours does. But be honest and see how it goes! i guess its about expectations - you wouldn't rock up at a Vegan restaurant expecting to find steak on the menu, so likewise you've got to expect churches to be quite openly into God / Jesus / prayer / worship. Its kind of odd if they aren't!

You could always offer to help with arranging the flowers as your 'in' OP.