aibu to despair— life is hopeless

[SaraCreweIRL]

I am 22, eldest child of 5, from a deprived area, born to a heroin-addict mother and living in a 2 bed flat. SS has only recently gotten involved because my aunt, grandma and I kind of kept everything together until then.

A new violent BF appeared on the scene for my mum in approx December, worse than she’s ever had. A month ago he beat up my mum and 16y/o brother, smashed 6 windows on our house and was out next day on bail (he is already out on bail for 4 violent offences as far as I know).
Mum will not cut ties or ask him to move out, she is smitten. My siblings have all rightfully been removed from the house now.

Throughout all of this there is no support for me, which I understand because I am an adult. Despite all of this I went to uni and got a 2:1 from a RG uni and then a postgrad in a career that’s supposedly desperately needed. I can’t find a job. I can’t move out. I have no support now as both grandma and aunt are in care-type facilities. I have no friends because they’re busy with their children and fiancés. I have no partner.

I did everything I should’ve and am still stuck in my horrible house, in a horrible area and no prospects. I have nothing.

I keep waiting for that better time to come but it just doesn’t. What on earth do I do? I’ve been waiting it out for 22 years and I just don’t know if I can any more.

Well done for achieving all you have despite the circumstances. You need to keep looking for work - even if you start small, you can work your way up to a better salary. This will not be your life forever and you have already overcome so much - hang in there, your best years are yet to come :)

You’ve done a great job so far -

Can your uni offer some support for finding work? You’ve presumably just finished your post grad?

Otherwise if you can say what you think your career path is and what you need now, people may have useful ideas.

I’m really sorry for you and your siblings re your mum. The best thing you can do for all of you right now is focus on moving yourself forward - not easy I know - but you’ve got so far, you will manage this next bit.

I had a friend in a similar situation.
They joined the Navy and never looked back.

Well done for getting this far.

Keep applying for jobs. Go back to student services at your uni and explain the situation. Ask for help (which I know isn't easy).

At least your siblings are safe now, which I hope lightens your load a little.

You're clearly very intelligent, very capable and resilient. You will find a job.

Don't quit when you are so close. Things are actually getting better, just slowly, your siblings are saver & that must be a relief. They haven't improved for you yet and that fact there's no support isn't fair.

Are there any of the lecturers in your university that could recommend you for role or would have industry contacts?

Would you be able to share your situation with them?

Have you set up LinkedIn properly? Job searches, add your lecturers, classmates, see where they are working etc.

What industry/type roles are you looking for and people may be able to give you more guidance or suggestions?

I'm sorry you're going through this. Sometimes it feels as if there's no rewards even when you manage to keep your head down and crawl through all the shite.

Yes, your siblings are safe, but what about you?

As you know, your mum's a lost cause, and there's a bunch of grief tied up with that. The person who's meant to protect you is your biggest problem. You need to get away from her. Easier said than done though.

You say you have nothing. Not right now. Not yet. The future seems far away. For now, you just need to escape. You haven't got anywhere to go. That's the first thing you've got to sort out. It doesn't need to be a big plan, certainly not a forever plan, but you need to find a room somewhere.

Please phone the national domestic abuse helpline. Talk to them about your options. You're in a domestic abuse situation. Work on extracting yourself first, and the rest will come.

I was considering that, but I have a health issue that would make it hard. Also was your friend a woman? It always seems like such a masculine environment

A live in volunteer role provided an escape route for someone I know who needed to leave home but didn’t have anywhere to go.

Google residential volunteer.

For everyone asking the career is teaching, so there’s not really much advice to be given or contacts to be made. I’ve been to probably 12 interviews, and only ever get very nit-picky feedback. I can go on supply but it’ll be so so long before I can move out when it’s casual work like that.

This is a very good idea, thank you!

Move abroad. Start fresh.

I know you said you weren’t keen on supply work, but it’s something to put on your CV to show a school that you are keen and have experience. It would give you the chance to save a bit of cash for when you have a permanent role and are able to move out.

Could you get some seasonal work over the summer - just to give yourself a break from your Mum and her boyfriend? Camp America or something similar?

The Youth Hostels Association have many live-in roles - most are seasonal but if you're a good worker and willing to move around there are winter jobs too. It's not brilliant pay but food and bills are all included, and you'd get to live in some beautiful places and meet interesting people. Many young people do this before launching their "proper" career so it won't hold you back.

You could perhaps be a live-in Nanny?

Also though, even though you can’t afford to rent a place of your own, you could rent a room in a houseshare on a low salary (while you keep trying for teaching jobs).

Get on as many supply agency lists as you can OP.

I just wanted to tell you you are an amazing person, op. To have achieved what you have in your education with all that you have lived through is outstanding. Definitely begin by doing sub work, you'll get a feel for the schools you'd like to work in and you will get yourself and your work noticed, as well as building your experience and CV.

Hi OP,
My heart goes out to you. You sound like an amazing woman who has already achieved a lot in very difficult circumstances.

You’ve already been given some great advice on this thread. I’m sure that with enough persistence you’ll be able to find a good job in teaching. I know how hard it feels when you’re being constantly knocked back though.

But I want to agree with the person who suggested the military. I’m not military myself but I’ve known some absolutely amazing people who have served. Some of them have been women. Tough women, yes, but it sounds like you’re pretty tough yourself. You must be to have succeeded like you already have.

My impression is that military jobs can work really well for people with insecure family backgrounds. Obviously you live at work, at least for the first year or two, so it gets you away from your home town. It teaches you a lot of structure and discipline, which can be helpful if your parents didn’t model that themselves. Most importantly, everyone I have known who was in the military has forged their strongest friendships there. I know they would take a bullet for each other, men and women. Those friendships often last long after they leave the forces. They’re often more like a new family, a chosen family. Sometimes I’m a little envious of that.

As a graduate you might be able to enter as an Officer. Give it some thought.

Teaching posts abroad :-) https://www.tes.com/jobs/search?siteCountry=gb&locations=International&keywords=teacher&displayLocation=International

Have you completed your probation year (in Scotland I don’t know the English term for your first qualified year)? If so can you look at teaching abroad for a couple of years to get yourself established? I know a few newly qualified teachers who have done this - the job situation for primary teachers particularly here is pretty dire.

This. My friend’s daughter has just taken a job teaching at an international school in Thailand. She gets flights, accommodation, decent salary and a buddy to help her settle.

in your position, I’d seriously consider it. Good luck - sounds so tough for you but things can only get better 💐

Supply can often lead to permanent roles. I do think that overseas may be a good move though, a totally fresh start? I have friends who have done it and still doing it 20 years later!
Well done for all you’ve achieved in very difficult circumstances.

Forces. My son is in the RAF and he is saving so much money as his rent is £10. That includes bills. There are lots of different trades. He does cyber but you could pick whatever suits you.
If you did that for a few years you could buy a house. They have schemes to help you buy a house as well.

Or do the supply teaching. It’s well paid.
Look on spare room. Com and rent a room.

You would also be great in the police. Very understanding of difficult family backgrounds and a good negotiator/ good at keeping the peace. I could go on but you would have the relevant skills.

Dont stay in that house.

You may not have been told this much and I know it doesn’t mean much coming from a stranger but my god, I am SO proud of you. And in awe of what you’ve achieved considering the start you were handed from day one. You are amazing. Please don’t underestimate what difference someone like you can make in the world.

A live in volunteer role could be fantastic for you, please do take a look at some online.

You sound amazingly resilient but I can understand why you're at the end of your tether. You will be fine - just hang in there. One foot in front of the other.

Definity try international schools. You can now do your NQT year abroad. ECT Induction - Council of British International Schools. International schools often provide accommodation and help with moving overseas.

Have you thought about independent/private schools? They are often looking for live in staff to look after boarding pupils out of school hours. May be a problem in the holidays but might be worth pursuing. Good luck with whatever ever you decide, but you do need to move on.