aibu to despair— life is hopeless

[SaraCreweIRL]

I am 22, eldest child of 5, from a deprived area, born to a heroin-addict mother and living in a 2 bed flat. SS has only recently gotten involved because my aunt, grandma and I kind of kept everything together until then.

A new violent BF appeared on the scene for my mum in approx December, worse than she’s ever had. A month ago he beat up my mum and 16y/o brother, smashed 6 windows on our house and was out next day on bail (he is already out on bail for 4 violent offences as far as I know).
Mum will not cut ties or ask him to move out, she is smitten. My siblings have all rightfully been removed from the house now.

Throughout all of this there is no support for me, which I understand because I am an adult. Despite all of this I went to uni and got a 2:1 from a RG uni and then a postgrad in a career that’s supposedly desperately needed. I can’t find a job. I can’t move out. I have no support now as both grandma and aunt are in care-type facilities. I have no friends because they’re busy with their children and fiancés. I have no partner.

I did everything I should’ve and am still stuck in my horrible house, in a horrible area and no prospects. I have nothing.

I keep waiting for that better time to come but it just doesn’t. What on earth do I do? I’ve been waiting it out for 22 years and I just don’t know if I can any more.

If you're a teacher could you get a job teaching English abroad? They often provide accommodation too and if you go somewhere like dubai the pay is excellent. Or be a live in nanny or au pair for a bit while you continue to apply?

There's also schemes where you can live with an old/disabled person (in the uk) for free in exchange for a few hours a week of socialising/housekeeping. Sounds like you've got to get out of your environment asap! You're doing amazingly. Life will get better!

Apply abroad - you will get a job easily, although it’s not the best time of year for recruitment.

There are many opportunities for qualified teachers to work as governesses abroad. If I was 22 I’d be polishing my CV and packing my suitcases.

Nothing much helpful to say but just that you sound an absolute diamond OP. My heart goes out to you. You will be an amazing teacher when you are given that chance. Things are moving for the better- your siblings are out and safe so that’s one less headache. As others have said - teaching abroad. Honestly give this a go if the headteachers here are silly enough not to give you a chance. Best of luck in life- one day you’ll be inspiring others with what you have gone through and continued to achieve.

You sound amazing and strong, but it’s a shame you have had to be and I’m sure it feels a heavy weight.

can you get social housing?

what is your industry?

if you got a job in your industry how soon could you afford rent in the cheapest area near you (if you are able to visit your siblings - if not a cheap but nice area)

can you work in a youth hostel or hotel here with live in or hotel resort abroad or live in pub - there’s not loads around any more but there are some. Hotel abroad might be more likely - Egypt, Dubai. You have to keep your head about you if you do it - no drinking, etc. save save save and get your head down to your next goal.

edited to add just saw your update re teaching. What do you mean nitpicky feedback?

OP, I’m a GP and I also think what you’ve managed to achieve is amazing in very difficult circumstances. Please don’t despair, you’ve had a really rough start in life but it really can get better from here.

I think before you do anything else you really really need to move out from your mum’s so that you are in a safer environment. Try and set yourself up completely independently from your mum I think. You deserve support too even if you are technically an adult and so don’t come under child safeguarding processes like your siblings do. You should not have to live with a violent abusive man just because your mother is willing to and you happen to be her daughter and are over 18. I would advise calling the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and asking for advice for yourself about this situation. I would also recommend speaking to your local housing team and make sure you are claiming any benefits you may be entitled to in the short term while you look for work (your local job centre or citizens advice bureau should be able to advise). Explain to housing your mum’s previous addiction issues and that this man has a criminal history and has beaten up your mum and brother, smashed windows in the property and is out on bail, and that your siblings have been removed from the home by social services as a result, but that your mum will not make him move out or break up with him, which leaves you at risk and therefore you really need some help to move out so that you have somewhere safe to live while you look for work.

They may well be able to find you social housing separate from your mum while you work on finding employment, especially if you’re willing to relocate to another area (you say you are in a horrible area so it sounds like you might be).

It’s really sad that your mum can’t see how she is letting you (and herself!) down by prioritising this violent man’s wellbeing over yours, but unfortunately sometimes that sort of situation cannot be changed in the short term, and you need to look out for your own interests first and foremost in this situation.

I’m honestly slightly shocked that you’ve struggled to find work as a teacher, I thought the country is desperately short of them! It may just be a matter of keeping on applying, the first job is always the hardest to get then you build up experience and references, supply teaching may help with this and is often reasonably well-paid (I have a teacher friend who worked as supply only for some years part-time and earned the same amount she used to get working full time in a salaried teaching position). However I totally understand why in your situation you are really preferably looking for guaranteed hours and a stable income.

I agree it would be good to get someone in the know to review your CV and I would take the pp who offered here up on that for sure. I don’t know if it’s the done thing for teaching but as a GP we would often be expected to phone or visit and have an informal chat with a prospective employer ahead of a formal interview which definitely increases your chances of getting the job.

I wish you the best of luck, I think you’ll feel a lot better about things when you have moved out.

You sound amazing OP, and well done on all you have achieved.

I don't live in the UK, but I signed up with a temp agency (doing all manner of things) and met people in my various jobs who were applying for jobs in their actual field but needed to earn money in the meantime. Would something like that be an option? I actually enjoyed most of the temp work far more than my previous office jobs btw.

Whatever you do, I wish you all the luck in the world.

How's it going @SaraCreweIRL
I told someone about you today and they said Wow!

Can you contact a local women’s refuge? They may be able to help. Also local council homeless department might have some advice as you’re living in an unsafe environment..

don’t join the services just to escape domestic violence. He may not have harmed you but it’s still a DV environment you’re living in.

what area do you live in??