Have I just permanently fucked up my relationship with my child?

[11001j]

I’m feeling horrific. I did something awful tonight. DS, 2.5 was kicking his legs all over the place when trying to do his nappy and laughing when it hit me in the face. I kept asking him to stop and then he carried on and his foot whacked my nose. I got really cross and shouted stop it, I hate you.

I know there’s no excuse for this but for context this is not a usual thing and I had had a shit day and this just made me feel so frustrated in the moment. He sort of looked at me and said stop shouting and I then carried on with nappy and I apologised afterwards and said I shouldn’t have shouted. I don’t know how much he understood that I was sorry though.

we had a usual bedtime after that but I feel sick about it.

I am so worried he’s now internalised this and will grow up with emotional issues. I was emotionally damaged as a child and I feel horrendous that I have now done this to my ds. I can’t eat I feel so sick about it.

not asking for sympathy as I know I’m in the wrong but is there anything I can do to try and stop this being internalised or is the damage done? I hate myself for having lost my temper like that.

Chill. He's 2.5 and needs to know your tether has an end.

No you haven't done any permanent damage. Don't be too hard on yourself, the fact you know it's so wrong is good, and you can now take some steps to stop it happening again- anger management, more support and breaks, counseling, whatever it takes. I don't mean this to sound condescending, I genuinely mean it. Awareness is key to changing

Don't worry OP, we all have moments like this! He will be fine.

Honestly I wouldn’t worry about this at all. He wasn’t listening and hurt you and lost your cool and shouted which is a normal reaction.

You were rather more restrained than me. Probably would have slapped his legs tbh...

I don’t know a single person that hasn’t said something to their child in the heat of the moment. You haven’t permanently scared him, it’s one event that you apologised for, you aren’t continuing a barrage of abuse at him. Like pp said chill, next time maybe just walk out of the room for a minute to gather yourself.

Ah you poor thing 💐 We all reach a limit sometimes, we’re humans. I once shouted at my DS that he was a horrible little boy, I felt awful. He’s not at all, though he was being horrible in that moment. You’ve apologised, you’ve repaired, he won’t remember. Be kind to yourself.

Also change his nappy standing up from now on. If it’s just wet he can take it off himself and help to wipe himself too.

There you go OP, when you're feeling like a bad mother just remember there are people out there who hit children.

It’s the fact I said I hate you that is making me feel particularly awful. I worry he’s going to go to nursery thinking his mum hates him and he’s not loved.

@ArtTheClownIsNotAMime i was also hit as a child and the emotional damage was far far far worse.

Listen, you know that shouting wasn’t ideal, but you’re human and I think we would all be liars if we said we hadn’t ever done the same. The important thing is that you acknowledged that it wasn’t right and set the example of apologising.
An odd isolated incident of shouting isn’t going to screw up your child - sustained shouting, and putting your child down will. I’m sure you understand the difference. Please don’t beat yourself up over this.

I smacked dd on the leg in a similar situation - she kicked me in the face when i was putting her to bed. The shocked look on her face is still with me many years after. She just graduated and seems to be OK though.

He won't remember, however "I hate you" is a very stronger response.
Where did it come from?
I'd have probably called him a brat or something similar.

As a one off, I'm sure he'll be absolutely fine.
The shouting and stop it is quite a natural reaction to being kicked in the nose. It's the "I hate you" that required the apology.
But, after a tough day, it sounds like you were at the end of your tether.

You're fine, you haven't damaged him, if anything you've taught him a valuable lesson - his mum is a person and her patience for bad behaviour has a limit.

You didn't smack him or hit him or pinch him or anything, you shouted something that a 2.5 year old simply doesn't understand the gravity of (how many much older kids scream "I HATE YOU" at their parents without any understanding of what that actually means?).

Tell him you love him no matter what, give him a cuddle and forgive yourself. You're doing fine. Kids are annoying little shitbags sometimes.

He’s fine. He won’t remember. Call him a little bum hole next time.

He won’t even remember tomorrow. In no way will this scar him and your reaction is probably more worrisome abiut how much it bothers you. I think that’s the part to consider and also your big reaction to a small child when emotionally you may not have been in control. I’m not criticising but just thinking about what you said about your childhood and avoiding the way you learned parenting through your parents.

From the sounds of it he had repeatedly kicked you in the face. It was not a disproportionate response. And he’s 2.5. He won’t remember it

Give him a big cuddle, tell him you're sorry for saying a mean thing, and that you love him.

He won't remember. Just like my dd doesn't remember me calling her a little knob when she was two.

We all have a breaking point. Find a better phrase for next time.

But you're not here proudly telling Mumsnet to hit children, are you? That's what makes you a good mother and.... some people.... bad mothers.

@Woodworm2020 it’s the words I used, saying I hate you to him. I feel like a monster.

That's because, as an adult, you know the true meaning of that word. He's 2.5. He absolutely doesn't.

This will become really obvious when he's saying he hates you when he's a teenager. You'll need to remember then that he doesn't understand the true meaning.

You didn't mean it. He didn't really understand it, and he WAS being naughty and had hurt you so telling him off was warranted.

Chalk this one up to experience, never say it to him again, and cut yourself some slack.

he will be repeating it back to you.

just move on, tell him you love him and always will

He'll be fine. The parents who fuck their kids up are usually the ones who don't care when they say things like this or don't take steps to apologise and reconnect with their kids.

Talk to your child when they're old enough about how people sometimes say things they don't really mean when angry and that you're sorry and you love them even if you've said 'silly tired words'. Be gracious when they inevitably say, 'I wish you weren't my mummy any more'. If you love them and apologise, they will show you the same grace.

Ellie Jelly and the massive mummy meltdown is a good book to read with small children about this subject.