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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I just permanently fucked up my relationship with my child?

77 replies

11001j · 07/07/2025 19:25

I’m feeling horrific. I did something awful tonight. DS, 2.5 was kicking his legs all over the place when trying to do his nappy and laughing when it hit me in the face. I kept asking him to stop and then he carried on and his foot whacked my nose. I got really cross and shouted stop it, I hate you.

I know there’s no excuse for this but for context this is not a usual thing and I had had a shit day and this just made me feel so frustrated in the moment. He sort of looked at me and said stop shouting and I then carried on with nappy and I apologised afterwards and said I shouldn’t have shouted. I don’t know how much he understood that I was sorry though.

we had a usual bedtime after that but I feel sick about it.

I am so worried he’s now internalised this and will grow up with emotional issues. I was emotionally damaged as a child and I feel horrendous that I have now done this to my ds. I can’t eat I feel so sick about it.

not asking for sympathy as I know I’m in the wrong but is there anything I can do to try and stop this being internalised or is the damage done? I hate myself for having lost my temper like that.

OP posts:
Teenagerantruns · 07/07/2025 19:54

Honestly my grown kids can't remember all the fabulous stuff l did with them at that age, they certainly wouldn't remember me shouting at them. Im sure tommorow your DS won't even remember.

justtootiredtoday · 07/07/2025 19:56

Not sure what way the voting works. I worked YANBU, as in give yourself a break, he will be fine.

These things happen, kids can really test your patience.

Whatwaswrongwiththatusername · 07/07/2025 19:57

I reckon if you manage to keep them alive till the age of 18, (t couldn’t keep a pot plant alive, there may have been a wee celebratory drink with close friends on FV’s bday 🤭), there’s a rare parent who won’t at some point have had that second of “oh god, have I fucked them up?!” over something or other. Of course, those that think they’re perfect enough never to have ever, ever made a mistake are either a: lying b: totally delusional/out of touch or c: never really gave much of a shit anyway (for whatever reason - abuse, neglect, general lack of interest…) and are just not good parents. And, tbh, those are the ones who will have fucked up their kids, and be totally unaware of it. It won’t be parents who recognise they’ve made a mistake, accepted that they have and then use that to make sure it doesn’t happen again. At least you didn’t give him a slap like Ms Slaphappy up above! Violence can fuck a child up for sure.

Can’t remember the poet, but you’ll know the lines;
‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad,
They don’t mean to, but they will…”
Honestly? You did a bad thing, but it’s (hopefully!) not going to happen again, and you’re flawed enough (like all decent parents, I think) to see it and realise it and from that you can grow and learn as a parent. It’s those who don’t believe they’re flawed, or don’t/refuse to admit or see that they are, they’re the ones whose behaviours won’t be seen or changed. You’re good. Your dc will be good. It shouldn’t have happened and obviously you feel shit, you can only continue to show him you love him and model kind, loving behaviour for him and give yourself a break and take the imaginary thumbscrews off!

Endofyear · 07/07/2025 19:59

11001j · 07/07/2025 19:30

It’s the fact I said I hate you that is making me feel particularly awful. I worry he’s going to go to nursery thinking his mum hates him and he’s not loved.

At 2.5 he won't even really understand what this means and of course he won't feel unloved. Please don't worry - as a one off, this is not going to cause emotional issues. What I would say is, you need to make sure it IS a one-off as your reaction seems over the top and saying I hate you over something so trivial is not good. If you feel yourself getting angry/overwhelmed, you need to walk away, go in another room and calm down.

PinkBobby · 07/07/2025 20:02

Just say sorry and sometimes when people are cross they say things they don’t mean. Say you used your big voice because he hurt you and he wasn’t listening. He won’t really understand this and he wouldn’t have understood your words earlier so really don’t panic. Repair is the important thing because we all lose it sometime. The only thing he would’ve noticed is the shouting and most parents raise their voice after a stressful day when they get booted in the face!

Azandme · 07/07/2025 20:04

Whatwaswrongwiththatusername · 07/07/2025 19:57

I reckon if you manage to keep them alive till the age of 18, (t couldn’t keep a pot plant alive, there may have been a wee celebratory drink with close friends on FV’s bday 🤭), there’s a rare parent who won’t at some point have had that second of “oh god, have I fucked them up?!” over something or other. Of course, those that think they’re perfect enough never to have ever, ever made a mistake are either a: lying b: totally delusional/out of touch or c: never really gave much of a shit anyway (for whatever reason - abuse, neglect, general lack of interest…) and are just not good parents. And, tbh, those are the ones who will have fucked up their kids, and be totally unaware of it. It won’t be parents who recognise they’ve made a mistake, accepted that they have and then use that to make sure it doesn’t happen again. At least you didn’t give him a slap like Ms Slaphappy up above! Violence can fuck a child up for sure.

Can’t remember the poet, but you’ll know the lines;
‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad,
They don’t mean to, but they will…”
Honestly? You did a bad thing, but it’s (hopefully!) not going to happen again, and you’re flawed enough (like all decent parents, I think) to see it and realise it and from that you can grow and learn as a parent. It’s those who don’t believe they’re flawed, or don’t/refuse to admit or see that they are, they’re the ones whose behaviours won’t be seen or changed. You’re good. Your dc will be good. It shouldn’t have happened and obviously you feel shit, you can only continue to show him you love him and model kind, loving behaviour for him and give yourself a break and take the imaginary thumbscrews off!

Edited

Philip Larkin.

Very true.

Whatwaswrongwiththatusername · 07/07/2025 20:05

Whatwaswrongwiththatusername · 07/07/2025 19:57

I reckon if you manage to keep them alive till the age of 18, (t couldn’t keep a pot plant alive, there may have been a wee celebratory drink with close friends on FV’s bday 🤭), there’s a rare parent who won’t at some point have had that second of “oh god, have I fucked them up?!” over something or other. Of course, those that think they’re perfect enough never to have ever, ever made a mistake are either a: lying b: totally delusional/out of touch or c: never really gave much of a shit anyway (for whatever reason - abuse, neglect, general lack of interest…) and are just not good parents. And, tbh, those are the ones who will have fucked up their kids, and be totally unaware of it. It won’t be parents who recognise they’ve made a mistake, accepted that they have and then use that to make sure it doesn’t happen again. At least you didn’t give him a slap like Ms Slaphappy up above! Violence can fuck a child up for sure.

Can’t remember the poet, but you’ll know the lines;
‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad,
They don’t mean to, but they will…”
Honestly? You did a bad thing, but it’s (hopefully!) not going to happen again, and you’re flawed enough (like all decent parents, I think) to see it and realise it and from that you can grow and learn as a parent. It’s those who don’t believe they’re flawed, or don’t/refuse to admit or see that they are, they’re the ones whose behaviours won’t be seen or changed. You’re good. Your dc will be good. It shouldn’t have happened and obviously you feel shit, you can only continue to show him you love him and model kind, loving behaviour for him and give yourself a break and take the imaginary thumbscrews off!

Edited

Sorry, so many typos. Can’t edit again, there’s more mistakes after the edit! FV should have said DC(‘s 18th…) As for any others I’m sure you get the gist of my comment!

schoolsoutforever · 07/07/2025 20:07

I remember feeling like this X 20 when my two were small. It is hard to be a perfect parent all the time. I made a number os stupid errors that make me cringe. However, despite that, the children have grown to be very pleasant teenagers with few hang ups. Just keep showing him your love when you can. Nobody's perfect and he will be fine!

NoKnickerElastic · 07/07/2025 20:08

Am I the only one who thinks saying "I hate you" to a child is very unusual? I've been at the absolute end of the rope with mine but never once has it crossed my mind to say I hate them. Sure we all lose it sometimes but I'd be taking steps to make sure I didn't utter those words again.

Abhannmor · 07/07/2025 20:13

Children are very resilient. He'll be grand.

ArtTheClown · 07/07/2025 20:14

Am I the only one who thinks saying "I hate you" to a child is very unusual?

I'd probably have gone with "fucking little cunt" or similar if I'd just been kicked in the nose.

Screamingabdabz · 07/07/2025 20:14

NoKnickerElastic · 07/07/2025 20:08

Am I the only one who thinks saying "I hate you" to a child is very unusual? I've been at the absolute end of the rope with mine but never once has it crossed my mind to say I hate them. Sure we all lose it sometimes but I'd be taking steps to make sure I didn't utter those words again.

No. I was thinking the same. I might’ve muttered ‘for fuck’s sake’ angrily if I’d been walloped in the face with a toddler’s kick but it would never even be in my head to say that I hated them.

Whatwaswrongwiththatusername · 07/07/2025 20:15

Azandme · 07/07/2025 20:04

Philip Larkin.

Very true.

Show quote history

Yes, of course. That’s who I thought but didn’t trust myself as it seemed too ‘easy’ (I don’t trust my memory 😆), and I didn’t want to look like an idiot. And I cba to google it to confirm.
Thank you! ☺️

Roomwithaview2019 · 07/07/2025 20:18

NoKnickerElastic · 07/07/2025 20:08

Am I the only one who thinks saying "I hate you" to a child is very unusual? I've been at the absolute end of the rope with mine but never once has it crossed my mind to say I hate them. Sure we all lose it sometimes but I'd be taking steps to make sure I didn't utter those words again.

Dont over cook this. No one has said this is ok. Everyone is saying as a one off not to worry as the op is clearly very very sorry. Stop focusing on the words. In the heat of the moment we can say mean things that dont make sense. Op is clearly checking herself.

TY78910 · 07/07/2025 20:20

I don’t remember anything from when I was 2.5 and my childhood wasn’t picture perfect. Have a conversation in the morning - apologising and explaining is a lot more valuable than beating yourself up about it.

DrowningInSyrup · 07/07/2025 20:24

You're being really dramatic as long as you said "I didn't mean it, I'm sorry, I love you" it's fine and a long way from fucking up your relationship with your child forever.

Maray1967 · 07/07/2025 20:24

MissAmbrosia · 07/07/2025 19:31

I smacked dd on the leg in a similar situation - she kicked me in the face when i was putting her to bed. The shocked look on her face is still with me many years after. She just graduated and seems to be OK though.

I smacked DS at 3 when he pulled my hair very hard. He looked shocked and let go. My worst parenting moment, but my dad told me I was being ridiculous. Times change - I never smacked DS2, but pretty much every kid in my class at school was smacked in the 70s and most of us are fine.

He’s now 25 and doesn’t hate me…

OP, tell him you love him, you don’t hate him, but kicking you in the face made you very upset and he must not do it again.

WhereIsMyJumper · 07/07/2025 20:26

Please stop beating yourself up OP. You made a mistake. You apologised. You’re not going to undo 2.5 years of love from one mistake.

Do not aim to be a perfect parent who never gets frustrated at their child. Yes, you have to try and be as patient as you can, but you will fuck up sometimes so you apologise. It’s better than being perfect- you’re demonstrating to him what you should do when you make a mistake. If you never make a mistake, he will never see how you fix it.

Stressedoutmama123 · 07/07/2025 20:27

OP I had a moment like this. I smacked my toddlers hand away from something a bit too hard as I was getting frustrated they weren’t listening.

It shocked me that i lost control and always swore i wouldn’t be like my parents and hit their kids.

It’s really stuck with me and I’ve never done it again. I think back to it occasionally and I still feel awful to this day years later.

It didn’t affect our relationship at all, but it did affect my parenting going forward

PersephonePomegranate · 07/07/2025 20:30

The shouting - I'd feel bad but as a one off, especially given he was kicking you, is understandable. Saying 'I hate you' to your child - completely unacceptable.

Luckily, I think at his age, it doesn't mean much in terms of the words but you can't do that again. And no, I dont think this is a normal thing to say or think about your child, even on the heat of the moment.

PersephonePomegranate · 07/07/2025 20:30

The shouting - I'd feel bad but as a one off, especially given he was kicking you, is understandable. Saying 'I hate you' to your child - completely unacceptable.

Luckily, I think at his age, it doesn't mean much in terms of the words but you can't do that again. And no, I dont think this is a normal thing to say or think about your child, even on the heat of the moment.

JLou08 · 07/07/2025 20:31

I don't think a 2.5 year old really understands what hate means. If it was a pre-teen or older then that could have really hurt them. Don't be so hard on yourself. I doubt there are many people who could say they have never shouted at their child. They really, really push us to our limits!

polarbearoverthere · 07/07/2025 20:32

I agree with others that you can apologise specifically for saying “I hate you” and explain that what you meant was you hate being kicked.

I disagree with others saying that he won’t remember. He will and he will think about it, but he may not bring it up because it’s hard to understand or he doesn’t have the words to do so. My daughter often brings up things that have happened days ago. So, the onus is on you to bring it up in the morning and apologise. Bringing it up won’t cause him more pain, it will help repair. You’ve got this.

Taytayslayslay · 07/07/2025 20:38

When mine were small and difficult, I read a book called how to talk so children will listen(I think it's called) and it was great. Taught me different ways to cope with them being assholes and stressing me out difficult

Laughlikeadrain · 07/07/2025 20:39

DrowningInSyrup · 07/07/2025 20:24

You're being really dramatic as long as you said "I didn't mean it, I'm sorry, I love you" it's fine and a long way from fucking up your relationship with your child forever.

Agree with this.

everyone makes mistakes as parents- even the smug posters who can’t imagine saying a bad word to a kid.

the big thing is you apologised. It’s important for kids to see us own our mistakes and say sorry. It shows them
how to do the same when they make mistakes.

you should read ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ . It’s really good on this kind of situation. Yea he’s you to forgive yourself as a parent, and how to react when you inevitably fuck up.