Have I just permanently fucked up my relationship with my child?

[11001j]

I’m feeling horrific. I did something awful tonight. DS, 2.5 was kicking his legs all over the place when trying to do his nappy and laughing when it hit me in the face. I kept asking him to stop and then he carried on and his foot whacked my nose. I got really cross and shouted stop it, I hate you.

I know there’s no excuse for this but for context this is not a usual thing and I had had a shit day and this just made me feel so frustrated in the moment. He sort of looked at me and said stop shouting and I then carried on with nappy and I apologised afterwards and said I shouldn’t have shouted. I don’t know how much he understood that I was sorry though.

we had a usual bedtime after that but I feel sick about it.

I am so worried he’s now internalised this and will grow up with emotional issues. I was emotionally damaged as a child and I feel horrendous that I have now done this to my ds. I can’t eat I feel so sick about it.

not asking for sympathy as I know I’m in the wrong but is there anything I can do to try and stop this being internalised or is the damage done? I hate myself for having lost my temper like that.

Don't worry about it. They are horrible words so I can see why you're feeling so guilty BUT that's because you didn't mean it. I had a couple of horrible moments when I was a single parent to little ones but we'd always have a little talk about it and they're teens now, absolutely brilliant teens at that. If you make a big deal out of it, that will stand out and make him notice it more. Lots of love and playful times, the feeling and his memory of it will soon pass ♥️

My child for years used to bring up the fact I forgot to pack his favourite teddy for a very expensive, child centred holiday.

whenever someone mentioned how lucky he was to go on such an amazing holiday, he always piped up about how I forgot his teddy. You can’t win.

it was literally the only thing he remembered.

but he’s an otherwise happy,
well adjusted kid.

@ArtTheClownI'll assume that's a joke

I'll assume that's a joke

I'll let you know if a small child boots me in the nose.

What about a potty? He is old enough now to be trying to use one - being trained to use one.

There's a saying in my culture and translated into English its along the lines of 'God doesn't let us remember things under the age of 4 because he knew how hard a mothers job is'. If it makes you feel better toddlers test our patience to another level and as long as you gave lots of cuddles and hugs (more for you than him, he will have forgotten 10 minutes later) then it's okay ❤️ tomorrow is a new day and just start fresh and remember he doesn't remember a thing.

It sounds like a hard day, and tomorrow will be better. ❤️ He's two, as long as it's not a repeat occurrence he'll be just fine. You did the most important thing by apologising to him after. We all have moments of 'rupture' where we lose our cool. As long as we have equal moments of 'repair' then we're doing ok! In fact they learn from us in those moments too - how to say sorry, how to move on, etc., He's also too young to remember this - earliest memories are from about 3 onwards and even that's early early!

As a parent to young kiddos who also had a pretty messy childhood, I've found it very helpful to identify my triggers where I can. I have little scripts that I use on repeat for these. That way they become my default go too as my brain doesn't have to think about stringing new words together when I'm having difficulty self-regulating. For hitting / kicking mine is a variation of "hands are not for hitting. I cannot let you hit me / hit your sibling. I'm going to move away / move you away now". When I'm about to totally lose my shit I say "mummy needs to go regulate. Mummy will be back in a minute" and then I leave the room (as long as they're safe). Even mid nappy change I would do this, as you can't help a disregulated child when you're disregulated yourself. When I come back calmer, I talk them through it. "Mummy went to take a few deep breaths to feel better" and continue with the conversation then.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, the fact you're trying means you're already doing so much right. Also your child felt safe telling you not to shout - well done you! They verbalised what they wanted, and felt safe exerting a boundary. That's a sign of a safe home. ❤️

He's 21/2; he won't understand it in the way an adult would. He probably doesn't remember it at all.

Your nose was more likely to be permanently damaged than his feelings.

My 2.5 year old has a pretty good memory and would remember 'i hate you'. Maybe not in a 'my mummy said I hate you' sort of way, but may say it during play time or another time etc. I likely would've shouted we've all been there, but shouting I hate you at your child is quite strong and is a really shitty thing to say.

See op, this is how an actual abusive parent would respond.

I have memories from age 2

I think the fact that you’re even worried about this shows that you’re a good parent. You apologised in the moment. Evidence shows that it’s not so much the rupture but the repair that is key. He may not remember it but tomorrow after he’s woken up I’d say, ‘Mummy got really frustrated last night and I shouted. I’m sorry for shouting, Mummy will take a deep breath next time’. Then leave it at that.

Then you’ve repaired and modelled that we all lose our cool but you’re sorry. We’ve all been there, parenting is fucking hard

We've all shouted or lost our cool but "I hate you" seems an odd thing to say to a young child!

It's just a saying. It doesn't mean say and do anything to your kids, but rather a few bad moments won't stay with them forever if most times you are a kind loving parent.

Read Philippa Perry on rupture and repair. How you mend a rift is more important than never allowing a rift to happen in the first place (which is an impossible standard). You apologised, he'll be fine. You haven't done irreparable damage. All will be ok.

Agree with this. It sounds like you need support, OP. Maybe look at counselling/anger management to help you get past what you experienced as a child x

Also, have this conversation with your little one every so often:

-Do you know what would make me stop loving you?
-No?
-Nothing. Absolutely nothing will ever make me stop loving you.

He will instinctively know the answer before long. But still remind him.

I feel for you, I think it's fair to say we've all lost it with our kids. The fact you feel awful about it, is clear you're a wonderful mum. You ds won't actually know what the words mean, so he won't be traumatised by it. But it may be an idea to think more about why you felt the need to say it - you must have an unmet need of some sort that is pushing you to your limit. Even the most patient person in the world will have a limit. The 2/3 age is SO testing - currently going through it with my dd. I find clearly telling her how I feel helps me get calm & apologising if I've become shouty - sending solidarity! These kiddies sure do teach us some lessons (and test every ounce of our being!)

I think you are more worried this is the start of ongoing bad parenting than the actual words OP.

One incident will fade, but you need to identify strategies other than the ones you were raised with to help in future stressful situations. Highly recommend any books by Penelope Leach.

A single tip for you - learn to say "I hate / dislike / love it when you do X". It focuses on the behaviour not the person xx

Na you're fine op, I was expecting much much worse by the title of your thread. Don't worry about it.

I too had my horrid moments when things got on top of me and my kids were little and you feel awful because after the explosion you realise they can't help having done the thing that drove you over the edge. But mine are both teenagers and there is no sign the ocassional snap did any harm to our relationship - if they know that 99 per cent of the time you're a reliable, loving parent, the exceptions don't matter.

The main thing is that you apologised - none of us are perfect :)

It was a bit of a strange choice of words but it will go over his head, don’t worry. Kids have a way to make you lose your temper, you’re not the first and won’t be the last.

The amount of times I went crying over to the next room when DD worn me down………..

Christ!

You hate the behaviour, you don't hate him. It's fine to tell him that if he mentions it again but otherwise I wouldn't make a big deal because he's probably forgotten already.