Are you a snooper?

[SnooperLoopy]

I've name changed for this to preserve my reputation as a GLM (Good Little Mumsnetter) but I have to say I find it so weird how opposed some people are to snooping on your partner's phone.
I would happily:

• snoop your phone
• go through your bathroom cabinet
• read your diary

and feel no shame in doing so. I wouldn't even justify it with concerns about infidelity etc - I'm just nosey. But I would draw the line at sharing what I found with others or ever mentioning any of it to the snoopee (even if I discovered they had betrayed me I wouldn't let on how i had found out). I don't know why I feel this way but i genuinely don't understand the outrage admissions of snooping generate. I bet there are others like me, so fess up!

I’m not. I’m not a paragon of virtue but I don’t snoop.

I’d distance myself from anyone who I discovered had taken advantage of my hospitality to snoop in drawers, rooms or cabinets that weren’t clearly communal.

Have you ever been caught? Do you come from a family of snoopers?

I’m a bit shocked by all the bathroom cabinet snoopers. That’s potentially so invasive as people often keep medication in there. Should they have to clear it out when hosting visitors to avoid unwittingly sharing their erectile disfunction, mental health problems or the fact that they are TTC?

I once guessed an acquaintance was TTC because i saw a box of Folic Acid on the windowsill just above and to the left of the hand basin in their bathroom. I wasn’t snooping at all but I felt bad about it. I didn’t say anything to anyone.

I snooped unashamedly when I got together with DH, and I told him so, along with why. He was living with his parents in his 30s and I had only one mutual friend with him, who hadn’t known him long. I was looking for a DH/father of my future children, and I had no one looking out for me. I’d have been stupid not to, I think.

I went through his room, his phone, his internet history, his porn (looking for any worrying special interests), got his parents into long conversations about him…. All clear.

I will absolutely advise my DCs to do the same in similar circumstances.

even though she doesn’t seem to trust you @Bitchesbelike ?!

I suspect try and find out if a reason I couldn’t do something was genuine

No, I couldn’t bear the shame of being caught

I think of it as a “her” issue rather than a “me” issue. She is a complicated person:
but slightly insecure

Did he ever bother again?

I mean chances are he totally forgot ages ago. Men have memories like goldfish with relationship shite.

Not the kind of friend I have and certainly never in my home

I don't snoop. I have a mother who has caused a raft of problems through such behaviour, mostly for herself (when she reads something or sees a photo she misunderstands, but can't reveal why she "knows" about something- usually something she imagined!). All of us kids love her but none of us trusts her in the least anymore.

There’s a lot of ‘why did you open his phone in the first place?’ on mn. Dh used to say grab my phone to ring yours for example, or if you check through messages from x that address will be in there so I can guess you might see something that way (now since are having trouble he wouldn’t do that, I don’t think he’s cheating but I’d guess he’s bitched or ranted about me)

A couple of posters (including OP) have mentioned treating people as you would like to be treated.
What about treating people how THEY would like to be treated?

What’s there to deal with if you aren’t ashamed. Presumably you’d just ignore it and move on?

If you aren’t ashamed about snooping, why are you too ashamed to ask people for the private information you are seeking by snooping?

If someone is posting about opening their husband’s phone, it’s because they have found something he wouldn’t want them to see. That suggests people are more likely to be in the situation you are now where he wouldn’t offer his phone to look at. If you were doing it now, the question of why you looked would be valid.

BoredZelda

actually that’s probably true, now I think of it haven’t seen ‘I was looking for a contact for dh’ or the like much, I have seen it, but yeah :(

I hope that anyone who snoops in the life of another finds lots of things that make them very unhappy, they deserve to be!

Did you afford him the same privileges to snoop into your life too? The usual MN mantra is that if he snoops then that's wrong,

Snooping is toxic behaviour.

And I'm surprised by how many people see snooping on their partner as fair game when they wouldn't dream of doing it to a friend. Does your partner not deserve the same respect as a friend?

The idea that adult partners should have no secrets whatsoever - and that this can be tested with a good old snoop at any time - is just childish. Obviously there should be openess and honesty about the important stuff, but who doesn't have things they want to stay private - aren't we all entitled to that?

Who among us would really survive our friends or partners trawlling our phoines or computers for anything incriminating? Would you really want your partner to see everything you've ever said in a text conversation about them?

Your dh was living with his parents in his thirties. Had he had much relationship experience? I suspect not. And so the poor chap prob thought this behaviour was completely normal.

Nah. My DH wouldn’t mind and often hands me his phone to look for something. I’ll go through his messages and notice something… Like he has accepted an invitation and forgotten to tell me. We are cool like that. I wouldn’t behave like that with a friend. That would be weird.

But maybe then in this case it’s not considered snooping.

He was free to snoop if he wished. He says he didn’t. But then he’s twice my size, older, stronger and men are statistically more likely to be a serious threat than women, so…. He says it didn’t occur to him to need to. And I was honest about it (afterwards, obviously) so he was free to break up with me over it if he wished.

You need professional help.

Oh come on! We all love a good old Facebook stalking session don’t we?