To say my DH’s relationship with his family is nothing to do with me?

[classyhoneykissyhuggyloveydoveyghettoprincess]

Last week we met up with my PIL. My MIL then got upset about how little they see my DH, and in particular how little he contacts his 2 sister's. She said it to me, not him.

I responded by calmly saying that his relationship with his family is his concern and why not ask him herself? She seems cross with me, like it’s my fault.

For context, I have dropped the rope with them all. I made a massive effort for years but got nowhere, so somewhere around 10 years ago I stopped trying. An example amongst the 100’s is that I’m not allowed on family WhatsApp’s as I’m not “blood”, not “family”. You get the idea. I’m unimportant. So I dropped that rope. As MN advised me, I “do nothing”.

My DH knows I am not keen on his sisters or my PIL or their pernicious extended family, but no one is stopping him doing anything. In fact sometimes I go away on business and he’s home alone and could just go over or arrange to see them, but he doesn’t.

Why is it up to me to encourage my DH, or arrange things, to meet with HIS parents and HIS siblings. Why is it down to me if he doesn’t call his siblings?

It’s not. My DH isn’t keen on my siblings but my relationship with them is NOTHING to do with him. I call/see them as I see fit. He’s not my keeper.

There’s a big storm brewing about this, and I’m certain that the wrath will be in my direction.

AIBU to say that they told me to my face that I’m not family, I listened, and it’s now not my problem if my DH doesn’t nurture a relationship with them and we rarely see them?

AIBU to say that they told me to my face that I’m not family, I listened, and it’s now not my problem if my DH doesn’t nurture a relationship with them and we rarely see them?

In light of the history, I would 100% say YANBU to say this if it all blows up.

YANBU to remind them that they said you weren’t blood family, so you let the ‘blood’ family member crack on himself. I think that was an unkind thing to say to you btw. It’s sometimes better to as be direct as they were to you.

YNBU

I wouldn’t bother reminding them of their (bonkers) ‘blood family’ stance. I’d simply say ‘DH keeps his own schedule on meeting up with his own friends and family.’
Id also tell DH he perhaps needs to check in with them directly, but in any case I won’t be made into his secretary.

Ha, this is the definition of fuck around and find out (by them)! YANBU at all.

YANBU

Also try not to get yourself into a situation where you are alone with your PIL - they'll just use it to say something they wouldn't have said if your dh was there.

YANBU

Grown adult can choose who he can and wants to spend time with, you are not his keeper or master.

They would be upset with you regardless and as you say they said you weren’t their family so you are doing as any sensible person (family or not) would do, staying out of it.

you say ‘I used to try so hard, but then you told me I wasn’t family. And I listened. I help my family, dhs relationship with you is up to him. Some would say you are reaping what you sow.’

Absolutely op how utterly rude

Does your DH even like them they sound mean petty and spiteful.

Just ignore any wrath why did you have to see them recently ?

• As you've decided I'm not family I couldn't possibly comment ,but I do understand why dh doesn't make an effort ".

It sounds like your DH isn't much keener on them than you are. How has he reacted to you dropping the rope? If it does blow up will he support you? Were they good parents? (I'm suspecting not.)

I'd wait for it to blow up and then stand your corner. Nothing to do with me, I'm not his social secretary, DH is an independent adult and makes his own decisions.

so dh doesn’t get on with your family
and you don’t really get on with his

family gathering just be truly joyful occasions

I match the vibe with a question or agreement, ‘I agree, that’s not good is it?’ or ‘What did he say when you asked him?’, If I can be bothered I might tilt my head a bit.

I would no longer be giving these people the time of day, DH can visit them by himself like a big boy.

“I presumed all family meets up were, and would be arranged in the “blood family” WhatsApp chat that I’m not allowed to be a part of so its out of my hands”

i imagine he throws you under the bus quite a bit when he himself doesnt want to go see his family, or when he gets called out by his family for not making an effort.

Yanbu. I've also stopped facilitating relationships with my in-laws. Not because I don't like them, they're actually fab, but I have my plate full enough and I'm not my dh's PA! This means we barely see them because he makes no effort. I've told him severely times if our children are like that when older I'd be upset, but he just says they're used to it.

Absolutely this. And I think you handled your MIL very well when you met up last week.

Misogyny init. Women are responsible for what men do.

Even without the ''you're not blood'' hurtful stuff it's still not the wifeys job to facilitate the relationship between an adult man and his 'blood' family.

I know there will be exceptions but in MY experience men generally are shite at keeping in contact with their family which causes disappointment to their mothers.

Thus goes for both my husbands (ex and current) and the husbands and boyfriends of friends. And, thinking about it, my son in law!

My advice is to rise above it all, keep out of it and don't rise to snide comments by MIL - she's going to try to push you into a conflict with her so she can tell everyone how right she is about you. Just calmly carry on telling your husband he's free to have as much or as little to do with them as he likes and it's all fine by you.

You would not be unreasonable to say that. But it's not really the point. Even if they hadn't told you directly that you weren't family, even if they treat you like a long lost daughter, it's still not your job to facilitate DH's relationship with his family. He's an adult and it's up to him.

I do wonder why you have enough contact for a storm to brew over this, though. I would probably stop seeing them at all if I was getting pressure like that.

DH asked if his sisters had been in contact with me about DS birthday. Nope. They’re done with us (him) & I don’t blame them… They were channeling messages through me for while, but have stopped. I’m happy to no longer deal with their politics.

Yeah this

Fml, what horrible shits. You're being exceptionally reasonable.

Your DH is a grown up capable adult. It’s his family and up to him. I don’t bother with my DH’s family. MIL hasn’t been great and BIL is rude and useless. They’re not my problem. I’ve been away on trips and my DH hasn’t made the effort to see his mother and that’s on him.