To say my DH’s relationship with his family is nothing to do with me?

[classyhoneykissyhuggyloveydoveyghettoprincess]

Last week we met up with my PIL. My MIL then got upset about how little they see my DH, and in particular how little he contacts his 2 sister's. She said it to me, not him.

I responded by calmly saying that his relationship with his family is his concern and why not ask him herself? She seems cross with me, like it’s my fault.

For context, I have dropped the rope with them all. I made a massive effort for years but got nowhere, so somewhere around 10 years ago I stopped trying. An example amongst the 100’s is that I’m not allowed on family WhatsApp’s as I’m not “blood”, not “family”. You get the idea. I’m unimportant. So I dropped that rope. As MN advised me, I “do nothing”.

My DH knows I am not keen on his sisters or my PIL or their pernicious extended family, but no one is stopping him doing anything. In fact sometimes I go away on business and he’s home alone and could just go over or arrange to see them, but he doesn’t.

Why is it up to me to encourage my DH, or arrange things, to meet with HIS parents and HIS siblings. Why is it down to me if he doesn’t call his siblings?

It’s not. My DH isn’t keen on my siblings but my relationship with them is NOTHING to do with him. I call/see them as I see fit. He’s not my keeper.

There’s a big storm brewing about this, and I’m certain that the wrath will be in my direction.

AIBU to say that they told me to my face that I’m not family, I listened, and it’s now not my problem if my DH doesn’t nurture a relationship with them and we rarely see them?

They blame you Op because it must all be your doing, you're not letting him go and see them or call them, they just can't face the fact that it's his fault and he can't be bothered. Why they think you'd get involved I can't imagine, they've made your position in the family very clear

This.

What did he say when the in laws were asking you this??

10000% not being unreasonable.

My MIL means we'll but kisses the mark by miles. Over the last few years I have tolerated a lot and bitten my tongue off at times. However, after they massively failed to support sh in the run up to the anniversary of his 16yo son dying out of the blue I have washed my hands of it all.

They have done as yours have and tried to loan that he doesn't talk tonthem/contact them etc and I have pointed out he is a grown ass 50yo man. He can sort his own contact out, I am done facilitating because all it does is cause conflict.

She was not impressed, but she has stayed out of my dms since 🤣

Even during this conversation I wasn’t included. It was why DH doesn’t contact them. Not “DIL, we are upset we don’t see more of you both, why is that? SIL’s would like the families to spend more time together”. But no.

I did try very hard for many years but it was fruitless. I know what goes on because I see how they treat my SILs DHs. They slag them off, diss their families and basically say they have to put up with them like a bad smell. I fail to see why my BILs put up with them TBH. They will be talking about me like this. That’s why again I’ve distanced myself. They don’t seem arsed about not seeing me, or being in my life, just DH and our DC. I’m a nobody.

So, I stepped back and gave them what they wanted, but I’m still in the wrong. 🤷‍♂️

Well done! This is exactly how I was with my in-laws. Not my monkeys.

The anger being directed at you is because you refuse to take the bait and play the game.

You "not giving a shit" is spoiling their sport.

Oh dear how sad never mind.

If I were you, I'd not only stop facilitating your DH's relationship with his family, which you have already done, I'd stop seeing them at all. If he visits them or meets up somewhere, stay at home. If he invites them to your home, you should go out and leave everything up to him.

They sound utterly toxic and you owe them absolutely nothing. You mention a storm coming your way. What form will that take?

Yes, I feel the same (after 20 years of marriage).
YANBU.

It's because you're the woman. In his parents generation it was the women who infantilised the men so that they had a role and didn't have to work i mean facilitated the. Families on both sides.

You definitely don't need to do this. Adult dh can choose how much/ little he sees his family.

MIL asked me how often I call my DF - every 2 or 3 days usually. I said that my DB does similar and we text each other any updates (he’s not well). She said nothing but I know it bothers her that DH and BIL call her far less often. But they’re her sons, she brought them up. It’s not up to me how often DH calls his parents.

Similar background here too. Any comments to me I now reply with, "You'll have to speak to husband about that, I'm going to the toilet", and off I go. I can't manage the confrontation and cannot think easily on the spot. This comment works really well and I've only had to use it a few times as it's stopped horrible comments and opinions from coming my way for now! I fought it for many years and made a big effort and they weren't going to change, they don't see me as family, so I've disassociated from them and don't make an effort now. It's a shame as it's not what I wanted but I've turned my focus elsewhere. They're a big family and I wonder if that makes a difference to their views. I don't know. My parents accepted my husband as an equal, and I will do the same for my children's partners.

I don't understand, in your first post you said she addressed you and in the second you say 'Even during this conversation I wasn’t included. It was why DH doesn’t contact them'.

I mean, you're not wrong to wash your hands of them but if they weren't even asking you or addressing you then it looks like you're all in agreement that it's nothing to do with you?

My DH was very reluctant to engage with his family, I could see why. His DM tried to use me to influence him but I always resisted. Sometimes when his mother called he wouldn’t answer. She started calling me instead. For a while I kind of tolerated it but then I became annoyed at being used like an answering machine. If I answered she never asked after me, her calls always started with where’s my son?

I ended up blocking her on my phone and went low contact. Somehow, she had managed to get my DIL’s phone number. My DIL married to my DS from my first marriage, so not a relation to her. She started calling her. My DIL is just the sweetest person and would help anyone, so she was pulled into the situation.

My DH was really annoyed that his DM had called my DIL.

Anyway, my advice is to step far away from the situation. It’s not your monkey.

You ignore them and see even less of them.
Do not engage in any conversation.
Tell them, hand up✋️, " nothing to do with me".

They are pissed off because you took control.
Take even more control by stepping back more.

You have handled this perfectly.
Its the only thing that works 100%.

I’d turn it around and ask her why she thinks this is.

Then I’d ensure I never got stuck alone with her again. Your husband needs to man up and deal with them, it’s HIS problem.

They were expecting OP to do something to ensure that her DH contacted them more frequently, while making it clear that they only wanted contact with their son and not OP. They were treating OP like her DH's secretary or PA and not a member of their family

Yep - put them on the spot and ask ' why do you think that is? Has something happened in the family WhatsApp group?'

Some people may think I’ve done the right thing, or not. I do just want to say that “do nothing” is actually a really good strategy for removing yourself from drama.

My MIL and SILs think they are in some toxic 3.30pm 5 day a week soap opera with them as centre stage. Throw in a couple of marriages, affairs, major falling out and mud fights and they are in their element. They used to draw me in but now I don’t even get a cameo.

Yanbu. They are horrible and cruel.
He is a grown up, even if they were polite to you, it wouldn't be your problem.
As I get older I care less about pleasing and policing people.

Ah, I get you. They did speak to op but didn't ask why they didn't see more of her, just the DH.

Can you go one further an opt out of family gatherings altogether op?

AIBU to say that they told me to my face that I’m not family, I listened, and it’s now not my problem if my DH doesn’t nurture a relationship with them and we rarely see them?

Absolutely say this, in light of the history!! Cheeky beggars...

You were very mature not to start laughing.

This this this this. I likened it to living in an Eastenders plot line. It’s amazing when you just don’t engage with it.

I spent years enabling the relationship between my DH and in-laws. I always rang kept the family WhatsApp active encouraged and organised DH to visit and everything
They gave so little back I admit I got tired of doing all the running around especially as DH has never been too bothered. It’s like finally I noticed I putting all the effort into this with no effort from them.
they haven’t had any updates not that they’ve asked from me about our kids for over 6 months. I’m working on not letting that bit bother me in all of it.
I’m aware from their side it seems like I have cut them off or gone cold on them when all I’ve done is matched energy and stopped pushing DH to have the contact with his family. I have enough of mine to keep up with I can’t do it all

"I’m not allowed on family WhatsApp’s as I’m not “blood”, not “family”. You get the idea".

Did they actually say that?

When the storm hits, shrug your shoulders and say it’s nothing to do with me! They can stamp their feet all they want but they cant make you jump through their hoops. They can choose to be upset all they want but just don’t respond.