To say my DH’s relationship with his family is nothing to do with me?

[classyhoneykissyhuggyloveydoveyghettoprincess]

Last week we met up with my PIL. My MIL then got upset about how little they see my DH, and in particular how little he contacts his 2 sister's. She said it to me, not him.

I responded by calmly saying that his relationship with his family is his concern and why not ask him herself? She seems cross with me, like it’s my fault.

For context, I have dropped the rope with them all. I made a massive effort for years but got nowhere, so somewhere around 10 years ago I stopped trying. An example amongst the 100’s is that I’m not allowed on family WhatsApp’s as I’m not “blood”, not “family”. You get the idea. I’m unimportant. So I dropped that rope. As MN advised me, I “do nothing”.

My DH knows I am not keen on his sisters or my PIL or their pernicious extended family, but no one is stopping him doing anything. In fact sometimes I go away on business and he’s home alone and could just go over or arrange to see them, but he doesn’t.

Why is it up to me to encourage my DH, or arrange things, to meet with HIS parents and HIS siblings. Why is it down to me if he doesn’t call his siblings?

It’s not. My DH isn’t keen on my siblings but my relationship with them is NOTHING to do with him. I call/see them as I see fit. He’s not my keeper.

There’s a big storm brewing about this, and I’m certain that the wrath will be in my direction.

AIBU to say that they told me to my face that I’m not family, I listened, and it’s now not my problem if my DH doesn’t nurture a relationship with them and we rarely see them?

Haha. Great reply…. I’m going to the toilet

You would not be unreasonable to say that but in your place I would not - it just feeds the trolls - I can just hear your MIL with her daughters "and do you know what she then had the nerve to say to me...?".
I think your current strategy of being refused to get drawn into it and batting it back to husband is perfect. To paraphrase one of the previous replies, if the opportunity arose I too would even commiserate with them on how that really was not on and how you definitely agree they should speak to DH about it.

Yes.
We were sat round a table eating a meal prepared by me. MIL/SILs asked DH to join their WhatsApp group. It’s huge with lots of people in it and they all share photos of what’s going on in their lives. DH said he wasn’t into that sort of thing and they’re better off adding me. That’s when they said, no she’s not family, it’s just for blood relatives.

I think this was the tipping point for me.

I thought stepping back would make them see that their behaviour has negative consequences but it’s just confirmed to me that they like the bit where they don’t have to see me, just not the other bits.

Also, I do feel that DH doesn’t make an effort with them because of me. He knows I don’t like them. But then I think this is just an excuse.

My DH isn’t keen on my siblings but it has zero effect on my interaction with them. I just leave him behind as he won’t enjoy himself. I’m not stopping him doing likewise.

YANBU. I very much like the cut of your jib.

In my experience the kind of families that harp on about blood hinge utterly on the women in the family. They are assuming you can influence your DH and don't care that you see no such role for yourself in their dramas. Stick to your guns and tell DH he needs to shield you from the nonsense.

MIL wants you to facilitate their relationship with your husband while excluding you from family stuff.

How did you not laugh in her face?

Not your circus, not your monkeys by their choice.

Why do you even meet up with them?

Of course it's not your problem. They probably need someone to blame for him not seeing them that much - they probably don't realise (or care maybe) that you don't have anything to do with it.

OMG they take rudeness to another level don't they? I'd have just taken their plates away whether they had finished or not because you only cook for 'blood relatives' and people you like.

Yanbu at all!
I'm close to my in laws but they're amazing and MiL treats me like her own so I'm all too happy to book nice restaurants for her birthday, go and pick out birthday gifts so she doesn't get another voucher etc. You get what you give in life.
Leave them all to it and just remind them you're not blood when they get snarky.

You married him not them..do nothing,say nothing and f**k em!

I could have written this myself. My MIL always bangs on about wanting a 'warm' relationship with me but makes f# all effort, it's all meant to come from me. Over the years I've been with DH there are endless examples of her being a complete cow to me. I've now dropped things and leave it up to DH to manage the relationship. I do feel a bit bad as I know he gets it in the neck but overall I feel much happier. I'm really embracing the Let Them Let Me mantra at the moment which hugely helps. The amusing thing is she is now doing the same thing to my teenage DSs, despite them being blood, they find it all highly amusing. So no YNBU, just don't engage

My in-laws have not turned out to be the people I would have chosen.

DH & I have actually been together longer than he ever lived at home. 30 years of being there at family events.

In the early days mil would make a point of telling me how she wasn't keeping in touch with the siblings ex partners.

I did a lot of heavy lifting in the 90s, then it's gradually dropped off. I match their energy. Maybe they don't want to confront that DH doesn't see them as a priority. Maybe they are embarrassed, maybe they are just too self important.

We also have a storm brewing, i will not be putting any resources towards it.
One family member will sadly die soon. I am stumped, I cannot come up with a single joyful or even just entertaining encounter over 30 years. They behaved outrageously at an event to celebrate DH but I dug hard to see past it, to try and find something from a previous decade in our 20s, 30s or 40s and came up with absolutely nothing. Isn't that sad.

Sounds like your ILs have got their just desserts... Don't blame you at all x

“Oh no, I’m not family, remember?” Then drop it and leave them all to it. Horrible people.

I have gradually withdrawn from having anything to do with my ILs. I just can't be arsed to expend any of my own time and energy on them, especially when I've never felt like they really care or like me or even our kids. I'd never expect DH to maintain relationships with my family so why should I do so with his? Since I stepped back we have seen them far less and he's forgotten birthdays etc - not my problem, and it's not like he's remind me of my dad's birthday. I've archived the family WhatsApp and noone has heard from me this year but nor have they reached out to me. So I assume everyone is happy with the arrangement.

I’d be telling them that they need to discuss their relationship with dh if they aren’t happy as it’s got nothing to do with you.

This is classic narcissistic family trying use you as the scapegoat reason why he doesn’t see them. They’ll never admit that they know that they’re the reason.