To ask for help - forum for support. DH just died, DS is 8.

[imnotgoingtobeok]

I’m broken. I need a space I can post online with mums who’ve also got young kids who had amazing dads. I just need a space to connect with others who understand it and hopefully those who’ve been through it and can reassure me. It was completely unexpected. Happened today. (And hi to anyone in real life who knows me and will recognise this x you can just ignore this) xx

I'm so very sorry.

One of the best things you can do for DS is get support for yourself. Go and see the GP tomorrow. Does your work offer EAP?

Sending you warm hugs and strength. Right now just accept that sleep will be tough tonight, focus on making yourself cosy and breathe.

You don’t have to sleep, just rest and close your eyes. Use grounding techniques such as breathing in for 8, hold for 8 and release for 8. On repeat. It will help regulate your control nervous system. Clench muscles all through your body from your feet upwards and release.

You are truly devastated. You are in shock and it is a dislocating feeling.

When I have felt the free fall of sudden bereavement I found counting all of the people that I still had in my life helped me, that the world had not shattered only my world, which means life will eventually carry on one day.

The GP will most definitely offer something to take the edge off this raw pain. Ask someone to book an emergency appointment for you.

There is no right or wrong way to cope, just hold on tight. Get some counselling support in place as soon as you feel up to it. The space to process this away from others will be instrumental.

Your dh was safe and comfortable and at home with you, one day that might bring comfort even if it was much, much too soon 🙏🏼🙏🏼 I am so sorry op.

If you do go home later, perhaps consider sleeping in ds’ room. My SIL did this for a few months. It was a great comfort in the night for both.

Oh OP, i’m so very sorry. Do you and your son have someone who could come and stay with you at home for a few days? Sure many have already mentioned, but a friend who lost her DH found Winston’s Wish really helpful for the children. Sending you both strength to get through the tough days ahead. So very sad.

I’m so Sorry. I hope you get through this with support. X

So very sorry for your loss, @imnotgoingtobeok

I echo the posters who've recommended MN's Bereavement forum, not least because AIBU is very busy indeed and your thread will soon sadly fall down the list and you might not the support you want and need.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement

Lots of love to you all.

I’m so sorry @imnotgoingtobeok I lost my husband just over 18 months ago - also completely unexpected and sudden. The shock is like a physical blow - sleep was all over the place and I lost my appetite for months. My GP was fantastic - she gave me something to help me sleep for the first few weeks and some diazepam to take the edge off on difficult days. People will want to help but won’t always know what to do - do you have someone you can delegate to? Don’t try to do too much - if I managed to have a shower I felt like I’d succeeded for the day. Gradually it gets a little easier, hard as that is to comprehend right now.

I was 6 when my dad died. Don’t say he’s gone to sleep - I was petrified of dying in my sleep for years afterwards. Don’t ignore his feelings, and let him talk about his dad however much it hurts you. And get him counselling - he needs a safe area and he’s not too young for it. Let him see you grieve, and let him know it’s ok for you to cry, as it is him. He shouldn’t need to control himself to avoid setting you off.

So very, very sorry for your loss x

I am so sorry this has happened.
It’s been 3 years since my DH died very suddenly and unexpectedly, my DC were 6 and 10.
For your DS, I recommend Winston’s Wish and Child Bereavement UK. They have websites with lots of information about supporting grieving children, how to explain what happened to him, the funeral etc. Winston’s Wish sent out a book with information and also activities to do with DC to help them process it. They also have helplines and can answer questions by email if you need to talk through something specific. The school might be able to help. My DC’s primary school has been really supportive. Depending on where you are, there might be a local child bereavement charity, my children had play/ art therapy through one and they also have a counsellor who supports me.
You asked how to support your DS, but you also need support for you. My local child bereavement charity says they have a counsellor for the adults supporting the children they work with, because they can help a child for an hour a week but the parent has to be there and support all the rest of the week. And you have to do that while also going through the hardest thing. If you have any family or friends who can help, accept all the help whether it’s emotional or practical. I also highly recommend joining the charity WAY Widowed and Young. There’s practical advice on their website, but, most importantly, there’s a community of people who have been through this and know how it feels.
Everything probably feels completely overwhelming and impossible at the moment. That’s ok, just take it one tiny step at a time, just deal with things that are immediately essential for you and DH and the admin around DH. Don’t take it one day at a time, one whole day is probably really overwhelming right now, one hour at a time is for good days, take it one minute at a time and if all you do in that minute is breathe in and out a few times that’s ok. It does get easier.

My dad died when I was a little older than your son, it was devastating of course but he will be OK. It sounds like your DH was a great dad like mine was, it's easier - your DS has to grieve for one great dad. I know so many who lost shit dads and they grieve for the person they were as well as the father they should have had.

You will be fine too, my mum leads a beautiful life, she eventually met someone new and I'm so glad she doesn't have to be lonely.

Life is for living, eventually it will be important your DS sees you get on with your life and enjoy it. For now it's one foot in front of the other, make sure you both eat a little.

I want medication, I wouldn’t normally but I’m afraid I’ll get no sleep. But I’m also afraid it will knock me out and I’ll all my DS has - I have to be immediately available to him. I got about 2 hours sleep over the night

I'm so sorry this has happened to you both. Do you have family for support?

You will be OK @imnotgoingtobeok, it will take a little time but you will; you both will.
I was the child in this scenario, my mum and I were very close and we got a lot of support from my Godparents.
Get in touch with DS’s school and your GP when you feel able to, get some support, people are really kind.

Am sending you the biggest hug.

You will be OK.

I am so, so sorry. Do you have friends and family that can support you in person today? Someone to call DS's school?

My DD is also 8 and my heart goes out to you.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. My DH died several years ago - he collapsed from an undiagnosed cancer and died a few days later. Totally unexpected so l know something of how you’re feeling. The shock will be overwhelming at times but the important thing is to put one foot in front of the other for now and lean on family and friends. You will get through it - when we’re tested to the limit we find strength we never knew we had. Sending you and your family lots of love.

I have been there, my children were 10 & 13, ours was cancer though
My advice would be to not ask too much of yourself, if all you manage is to get up in the morning then that is okay.
8 years on my eldest now has the most wicked death humour but talking about her Dad is part of her everyday life.
Some people you would have thought would support you, won't & will disappear, others will surprise you.
One breath at a time, much love

OP, ask your GP about Temazepam. My GP prescribed it to help me sleep after DH died. I think it can only be prescribed for 28 days as it’s a controlled drug but it really helped get me through those first few weeks when there was so much to do. It also helped me stay away from longer term anti-depressants, which are very tempting because you’ll try anything to get away from the grief. But to be honest l think they only delay the process.

Your world will turn grey for a time OP. But the sun will come out again, l promise you.

I'm so sorry OP. I lost my dad at 12 so I know a little of how your son is feeling, even though it was a long long time ago now.

I know finances won't be anyhwere near the top of your list right now, but if that is a worry please do check if you are eligible for this payment from the government - I read at the weekend that it's not well publicised or known about

https://www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment/eligibility

Goodness OP, what a horrible dreadful and unimaginable shock for you and your DS. I really hope you are able to have people looking out for this while you process the early stages of what will be a very sad and challenging time for you.

I had a brother who died in his sleep in his 30s. It was a total shock for all of us, he wasn’t married and didn’t have kids but it was a very strange thing to process and navigating the early days of a sudden and unexpected death when you’re in shock can be challenging.

Please, please be kind to yourself.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. My DF died very suddenly when I was 4, so a bit younger than your son but I do know what it is like to suddenly go from a unit of 3 to a unit of 2. Please be really really kind with yourself. And do seek out support for yourself along with DS. You don’t need to always put on a brave face, let yourself sit with the grief and be sad, even around DS as it will give him permission to express his grief too.

I do hope you have some family that you can lean on during this time? Could you stay with family or a close friend for a bit to help share the load?

Very sorry for your loss. Try not to worry too much about your son. My ds lost his dad when he was 10, he is doing brilliantly as an older teen. Be honest with your ds, we made a memory box together which he enjoyed and I feel that being involved with the scouts gave him lots of positive male role models. ( I also lost my dad as a child and while I wish it didn't happen, it certainly didn't define me or my childhood). As for professional support, it may be needed , it may not be - I remember at the time of ds's dad's death feeling they were getting a bit pushed upon me, and we didn't go down that route, do what's right for the pair of you.

Your GP can prescribe medication that will help you fall asleep but not so deeply that you won't be able to wake for your son if he needs you in the night. I can't remember what it's called but they do exist.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Practicalities. Sorry about this. Do you have access to money, ie do you have your own or a joint account? Any single-name account is frozen from the date of death. Do you have an organised, rational friend or family member who can help you with all the administration of this? The amount of administration and paperwork associated with a death is ridiculous. Get at least 5 copies of the death certificate, you have to send original copies all over the place to prove the event. You WILL deal with insensitive stupid people who refuse to speak to you because you are "not the account holder". Look at all household bills, bank accounts, insurance policies etc. All that are in his or joint names need to be changed. If he had a company pension, you need to see about accessing any death benefits. This all sounds cold and hard, but it has to be sorted for you and your child to get through this. The worst time may well be AFTER the funeral, when all the admin etc has been done, you will have less to do, and that's when you really find out who your friends are. Sending you massive hugs. You never stop grieving, but over time it becomes bearable.

What a terrible shock for you. I’m so very sorry. I don’t have any specific information, but found a private support group on Facebook for parenting a child with Crohn’s Disease and one for parenting children with OCD. I would have gone insane without them. I wonder if there is something similar for bereavement.