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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to drop off like other parents?

71 replies

GlitteryRainbow · 06/07/2025 18:10

Family fun day today. I’m a Brownie leader so was there supervising Brownies on their stall. DD had swimming but was coming later to help on the Guide stall. When it was time for DD’s slot DH phones to tell me I need to collect DD from the entrance as he’s not paying to get in. I have to leave the Brownies to collect DD. We both walk through the entrance without paying, just as DH could have done and into the fun day. Then the same in reverse when she gets collected.

AIBU to expect DH to have walked DD to the stall like all the other parents did? I was there with Brownies, if I hadn’t been what would he have done?

OP posts:
Gastons5dozenEggs · 06/07/2025 18:50

Is he quite rule orientated? Like would he risk dodging a ticket on the train etc, low key bending a rule? If not then I kind of get it, but it doesn't sound like the event was a festival or passport control so he could have just said I'm here to drop off/pick up etc and no one would have batted an eyelid. I think some people like black and white and hard rules and this is the sort of grey area thing that throws those types and even create anxiety. Without knowing your DH it's hard to say but I think this is probably a common scenario.

pollytunnelanna · 06/07/2025 19:13

You’re a brownie leader so you know how it works and we’re already there. If it says you have to pay to get in then I get why he didn’t want to just to drop her off and the easier option was just for you to come outside and get her. Did you tell him he could just walk in?

presumably if you weren’t there he would have figured something else out but you were.

also how old is dd? Couldn’t she have just walked in on her own? If you were helping at a different stall you wouldn’t be looking after her once inside anyway

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 06/07/2025 20:28

This isn’t actually the first year it’s happened and I tell him every year he can just walk through and no-one will bat an eyelid. Loads of people come just to run stalls or do demos or whatever. DD is 11 and suffers badly with anxiety so wouldn’t go in by herself. Once she was in the Guide leaders were with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 06/07/2025 20:31

Gastons5dozenEggs · 06/07/2025 18:50

Is he quite rule orientated? Like would he risk dodging a ticket on the train etc, low key bending a rule? If not then I kind of get it, but it doesn't sound like the event was a festival or passport control so he could have just said I'm here to drop off/pick up etc and no one would have batted an eyelid. I think some people like black and white and hard rules and this is the sort of grey area thing that throws those types and even create anxiety. Without knowing your DH it's hard to say but I think this is probably a common scenario.

He could have just walked through just like I did and no-one would have said anything or yes could have just said he was taking DD to be on the Guide stall. I think it’s more about controlling me and making me drop what I’m doing to come and get DD because he said so.

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 06/07/2025 20:35

He much was entry? As a family event I assume it was like a couple of quid tops and the money would go to charity.

aGirlLikeJesamine · 06/07/2025 20:37

that is annoying, if he could simply walk through, perhaps he felt intimidated by the people on the gate

Whaleandsnail6 · 06/07/2025 20:46

I'd have thought like your dh did, I'd be worried I'd look really cheeky not paying to get in and feel embarrassed, especially since it was for charity.

I'm not saying that its particularly right to feel that way,but I can understand it.

If you hadn't been there, I imagine he would have paid to get in and stayed? But knowing you were there properly made him think it was easy for you to just come and get her.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 07/07/2025 02:46

Snorlaxo · 06/07/2025 20:35

He much was entry? As a family event I assume it was like a couple of quid tops and the money would go to charity.

Think it’s a fiver each but you don’t need to pay it you just walk through. I’ve never been challenged and if he was he could say he was taking DD to the Guide stall. She was in uniform so would have been obvious.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 07/07/2025 02:51

Whaleandsnail6 · 06/07/2025 20:46

I'd have thought like your dh did, I'd be worried I'd look really cheeky not paying to get in and feel embarrassed, especially since it was for charity.

I'm not saying that its particularly right to feel that way,but I can understand it.

If you hadn't been there, I imagine he would have paid to get in and stayed? But knowing you were there properly made him think it was easy for you to just come and get her.

He didn’t want to stay as he has to get home to help DS with homework. DD was in uniform so if he’d just said he was taking her to the Guide stall it wouldn’t be an issue.

He fails to realise that it’s not easy for me to come get her as I am responsible for younger girls who can’t just be left on their own.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 07/07/2025 02:53

aGirlLikeJesamine · 06/07/2025 20:37

that is annoying, if he could simply walk through, perhaps he felt intimidated by the people on the gate

Given what he does for a job he is always traveling and selling work/products to other people or talking at large conferences I wouldn’t expect him to get intimidated by people on the gate though it’s possible I guess.

OP posts:
Cracklingsilverwear · 07/07/2025 05:32

When he phoned to tell you to come and collect her - you say ‘sorry, no - I can’t leave the Brownies alone . You need to walk her through’ Job done.

same for collection. He phones you say you need to bring her out. You say ‘sorry - I can’t leave the brownies. Tell the gate people you are collecting her. ‘

he can only control you if you do what he says. What would he have done if you said no? Not saying put yourself in danger if he is abusive / violent etc - but a normal rational partner should be able to see you are busy and he needs to step up and do it himself.

Shoxfordian · 07/07/2025 05:43

He sounds difficult - is he often like this?

Isitreallysohard · 07/07/2025 05:45

If he did it last year why did you not discuss it prior to the day?

Strikeback · 07/07/2025 06:36

I think you actually need to work more on her anxiety than your husband's behaviour. That is not sustainable in the long run.

TorrosTheRedBlackandWhite · 07/07/2025 06:41

Strikeback · 07/07/2025 06:36

I think you actually need to work more on her anxiety than your husband's behaviour. That is not sustainable in the long run.

This, if you can just walk past thr tickets people and not pay, how much money are they losing?!

Theunamedcat · 07/07/2025 06:49

What would he have done if you said i can't right now?

Couldn't you have sent one of the older girls to go get her?

TheNightingalesStarling · 07/07/2025 07:03

The gate staff sound pretty pointless if loads of people just walk through.

GRex · 07/07/2025 08:11

I thought the purpose of these events was to make money, not sure why you exempt yourselves to help on a stall. Just comparing with school I guess, where everyone pays AND helps.

If you couldn't leave younger girls (for 2 min in a defined place? Why not?) then you should have said no. DH would then have had to come up with a new plan.

DD is 11+, so would benefit from being pushed a bit to say she needed to walk in to locate the stall of friends by herself. This is an enclosed event, very safe, I'd have been allowing DS freedom to roam a bit from age 6, never mind 11. Your instinct is to protect her, but actually you reinforce her fears by not pushing simple independence steps when opportunities arise. A psychologist might be useful for you in setting out a plan to step her safely towards more independence.

Stilllifes · 07/07/2025 08:14

So he's a difficult man generally and controlling?

No surprise then he's a twat to boot.

Rivertrudge · 07/07/2025 08:15

GlitteryRainbow · 07/07/2025 02:46

Think it’s a fiver each but you don’t need to pay it you just walk through. I’ve never been challenged and if he was he could say he was taking DD to the Guide stall. She was in uniform so would have been obvious.

Show quote history

I understand how he might have been feeling. It’s not about possibly being challenged, it’s about looking like a cf.

Tiswa · 07/07/2025 08:18

First off £5 is huge amount cut it down to 1 and I suspect most coming jn would pay and you might get more people

secondly I have children with anxiety but you do need to work on that - is she at high school yet? Because going into a controlled event you are at plus her guide leaders is something to work on her doing

third push back - how much of the above is related to your husband needing to get his way and be rigid all the time? But also pushback for you

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 07/07/2025 08:20

Rivertrudge · 07/07/2025 08:15

I understand how he might have been feeling. It’s not about possibly being challenged, it’s about looking like a cf.

Show quote history

That doesn’t usually bother him!

OP posts:
Blurrywateryeye · 07/07/2025 08:20

Seems useless if he can’t do a simple normal everyday task like walking through an entrance.

Rayqueen · 07/07/2025 08:20

Some guys can't do right for wrong. Jeez he brought her to you all you had to do was meet him then he went home to help other child with homework while you were having fun with other kids. And agree with others work on her anxiety if you can and maybe less with other peoples kids

WhySoManySocks · 07/07/2025 08:24

Did you not discuss the logistics of it before the day?

You’re both making a mountain of a mole hill, and making every day tasks look so complicated. This can’t be helping your DD’s anxiety, which also seems over the top.

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