AIBU to expect DH to drop off like other parents?

[GlitteryRainbow]

Family fun day today. I’m a Brownie leader so was there supervising Brownies on their stall. DD had swimming but was coming later to help on the Guide stall. When it was time for DD’s slot DH phones to tell me I need to collect DD from the entrance as he’s not paying to get in. I have to leave the Brownies to collect DD. We both walk through the entrance without paying, just as DH could have done and into the fun day. Then the same in reverse when she gets collected.

AIBU to expect DH to have walked DD to the stall like all the other parents did? I was there with Brownies, if I hadn’t been what would he have done?

It’s not my event, I just had a stall there and I have no control over the entrance fee. Also plenty of people go.

We are working on it, she goes to secondary in Sept. I don’t blame her not wanting to walk in by herself to an event with hundreds of people and not knowing where the stall is.

He’ll be angry that I was there and he had to take DD in the first place. He and his family think mothers should be home with the kids not have outside interests.

Has he any redeeming qualities?
Do you work?

But why couldn’t the husband walk to the stall to meet his wife? Like that’s not hard is it? A very basic thing even a dog could do. Incompetency is not an attractive trait.

The far more important point is the 11 year old who can’t walk 100 yards through people in a completely safe place with a guarded entrance. That would have been an ideal time to practice.

I think an 11 year old who's unable to walk into a children's event on her own (when her mother is on the other side) is far more a reason to post than a DH who is uncomfortable trying to get past a pay desk without paying.

My adult DD is a rule follower and would find what you expected of him really difficult. And it was unnecessary.

If that's how you view your husband and your marriage that's not a good sign is it.

You said you think he wanted to control you, does he do that in other areas of life to make you feel that way?

These sorts of threads have been coming up a lot lately, where there's a post about a minor but potentially annoying behaviour from a dh and then there's a big backstory about how they're a controlling arse. So with the back story then yes of course this is just part of their overall controlling behaviour so why bother asking the question when you already know what they're like?

This is just all really odd. You can’t say ‘no DH I can’t leave the brownies’, he can’t say ‘I’m not staying I’m just dropping DD off at the guide stall’ to the gate people, DD at age 11 can’t walk a few feet by herself in a safe gated area. Honestly, I’m baffled at all of you.

Don’t you think that maybe he is the cause of some of this?

I was thinking the same thing. Living in what sounds like a fairly toxic environment, with neither of you seeming to like each other at all, can contribute to this.

Ok, I’m reading she has bad anxiety.
i think knowing this you should perhaps start to gradually expose her to some independancy. Like dad tlaking to door people, ensuring she gets through and saying hello wait till she gets to guides stall and pings him. If she gets stuck finding her way she can ping him. (Assume she has phone even simple one, if not may be good to get her non smart phone for her feelings of safety to be more independent ).

it’s very hard to get lost at family fun day ! she can walk around until she finds where she needs to be as part of her “fun” perhaps with a little pocket money to spend on something small .

tell her if she feels insecure to go to a stall with women and ask for help.

Really at that age she should be able to walk across a large family fun day site and find her way by herself

ao, is it case your husband feels this, that it’s unnecessary and actually good for your daughter to find her way herself. Did it really need you to escort her?

sure f child was under 9 , but they have to learn to literally navigate the world at some point and a family fun day sounds just the ticket.

Absolutely. He doesn’t though. Any issue ever is down to the fact I’m not a SAHM.

Please note before we go on a tangent I respect anyone who chooses to be a SAHM that’s not an issue. It’s not the right choice for me.

Sounds like your issues with your DH are much bigger than this.

But - you did come and get her. So he knows you can and will leave the stall and do so.

I think your relationship sounds toxic and you should split up. Then actually focus on your DD, she needs you to help her to gain independence.

Umm your updates are concerning. He sounds like a monumental prick.

You can't discuss anything because he just uses the straw man argument that you should be at home.

Your kid is 11, that ship sailed, why wouldn't you have a job? Unless it's a control thing.

Maybe she would be less anxious if she was around him less, he sounds totally obnoxious.

Your husband's bullying, anger and misogyny is probably one of the reasons your daughter is so anxious, don't you think?

She doesn’t have a phone yet. She’ll get one in the summer. The whole family fun day runs on tokens so you can’t just give her a bit of money.

we have a referral for her anxiety and we are dealing with it. Leaving her to walk into a large funday with hundreds of people by herself is not the way to deal with it. That would be something to build up to.

I’m working with her on it. She walks home from school by herself now. That’s a huge step forward for her. We’ve had a referral and are working with a team.

Quite. The whole family dynamic sounds toxic.

The best thing you can do for your dd is to split up and give her a pleasant environment to live in. It’s selfish to force her to live full time with what sounds like a deeply unpleasant man.

Build up to an enclosed guarded entrance fun day for kids with many people she knows?
where is your start point?

anecdotal but an old neighbour of mine was ‘trying everything’ for her dds, then 9, ‘K ack of confidence/anxiety’. She was pouring money in to drama classes etc. whilst simultaneously treating her 9 yr old as if she was 4. She still did her seatbelt for example. I was thinking that I wasn’t remotely surprised that she had no confidence given that all she saw all day every day was children her own age being trusted to do things her parents still did for her.

I’m not forcing her to live full time with a deeply unpleasant man. He won’t move out.

That isn’t his unilateral decision. You are free to divorce him.

It wasn’t an event for kids it was an event for all ages, so it wasn’t just kids with their parents there were all sorts of different people there and hundreds of them of which she knew a few. She had to walk through the bar to get where she needed to be. Had it been her school fete where she did know many people she would have been fine.

what do you expect her to do herself? She does her own seatbelt, dresses herself, does her own hair, showers herself, she helps as a leader at Rainbows, walks home by herself, she did the washing yesterday, she cooks dinner sometimes. She is independent she just isn’t comfortable in large groups of adults on her own. I’d be surprised if many 11 year olds would be comfortable in a bar full of potentially drunk adults by themselves. Or if many parents would let 11 year olds be in a bar by themselves.