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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I really being a nuisance neighbour?

69 replies

JanuaryFlowers · 06/07/2025 11:32

This is really long.. so I apologise in advance. I live on a newbuild housing estate in social housing. I live in a middle two bedroom terrace with a neighbour either side. We all have one child each.

We have lived here relatively happily for the last 3 years, and get on really well with our neighbours as our children, all girls, play together outside. My neighbour to the left has two dogs who when left alone, will bark and howl until she comes home. I have two dogs myself and I understand they can be a nuisance, and one of mine barks when she goes outside to do her business so I never complain about it. But I do not leave my dogs barking. The moment they start, I bring them in. My neighbours dogs do bark until the early hours on weekends, last night it was just after 1am but I have never complained because I like being friendly and don't want to cause problems.

Now this same neighbour started a new job and as such leaves for work at 6am during the week and has complained about me coming home at 9pm-9.15pm, mainly on Thursdays due to my DD having cub scouts, and being noisy. At the time our front door was misaligned due to bad workmanship and I accepted that my closing the front door was probably waking her up so I always apologised and endeavoured to be as quiet as physically possible.

My front door has since been fixed and we no longer have that issue. Yet her complaints about 'banging doors' persist. She says my car doors closing wake her up. Then it's my front door closing. Then it's my french doors closing. Then it's 'vibrations' coming from my house. Essentially what she wants is for me to be in my home by 8pm every night, regardless of our lives and stay home because she goes to sleep at 9pm every night.

One night she came banging on my front door claiming I was being noisy.. I had literally just walked into my home and the time duration from me closing my front door to her being there was seconds, all most like she was waiting for me to get in, just to complain. I was tired and I stupidly told her that if she had such an issue that she needed to complain to our housing association, which she did. And I got a noise complaint letter.

I have asked my neighbour to the right if she can hear me and she says absolutely not. In fact, I never hear her either. All that neighbour ever hears is the dogs barking till stupid o'clock nearly every weekend from the neighbour to my left.

Our housing association investigated and decided our 'noise' wasn't anti-social and just normal daily noise, and suggested our neighbour purchase earplugs and dropped the complaint.

One night, me and my husband were sat downstairs with our french doors open and clearly heard someone thumping, banging and slamming doors. We heard a front door open and slam loudly and then french doors open and slam loudly and when we went outside into the garden, it sounded like it was coming from our neighbour who complained about us.

We shrugged it off and carried on with our evening, then I got a message on my FB messenger from the same neighbour asking me to stop banging and slamming doors. I explained that it wasn't us, my DD was asleep upstairs and were in our living room watching tv.

She sent loads of messages, going on and on even though I repeatedly explained it wasn't us. She then posted on our estate Facebook page for everyone to see, asking what she should do about daily noise from her neighbours?

I'd had enough at this point and called my housing association the next day about it. They said they will add what I'd said to the file if a complaint came in, which surprisingly it never did.

Instead our housing association wrote to us informing us an anonymous complaint has been put in about driveway having an 'uninsured vehicle on it' and they needed proof it was insured and taxed.

When I asked if the anonymous complaint was my neighbour to the left, they didn't confirm nor deny it but asked me why I suspected it to be her. I explained because a stranger wouldn't complain to my housing association unless they knew 100% that I was renting and hadn't bought the home myself. And the complaint would have had to have come from someone in possession of a tenancy agreement to know that us having an untaxed/uninsured vehicle on our driveway would be a breech of tenancy. I also explained our history with this neighbour and the housing association informed me that they were going to 'keep an eye on the situation that was clearly developing' and would no longer pursue the anonymous complaint.

So it's obviously her again. She can't get me kicked out because of percieved noise, so now she is trying other ways.

My husband has decided he wants to fight fire with fire, gather evidence on her barking dogs and make a complaint ourselves but I don't want that. I don't want to escalate it. I just want to live in peace. Our previous landlord sold the home we had lived in for 14 years during covid and we were homeless for months until we got this house, I don't want to be homeless again.

What annoys me is she adamant that we bang around in our home until midnight. My husband is a HGV driver and leaves for work at 5.30am every morning. My daughter is at primary school. We are in bed most nights between 9pm-10pm so the banging she is hearing absolutely isn't us. My neighbour to my right is adamant she can't hear us.

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
TigerRag · 06/07/2025 11:35

She needs to get herself a pair of earplugs

Boddica2000 · 06/07/2025 11:41

Ignore her completely and go about your life. Don't respond to her, make it clear you are not listening or interested in any sort of discussion, if she continues harassing you deal with that as required through the authorities, without interacting with her at all.

Oh and your husband definitely is correct, you should both be keeping records of her horrible behaviour, as if she continues to escalate you might need it.

By being a doormat you are encouraging her. Your issue is that you incorrectly believe that rolling over and being super nice will prevent further escalation. In fact, she is enjoying this and will just keep upping the ante. The weaker and more eager to please her you seem, the further she will push it.

JanuaryFlowers · 06/07/2025 11:42

TigerRag · 06/07/2025 11:35

She needs to get herself a pair of earplugs

She claims she has but it's 'vibrations' coming from my house that wakes her up. I have apologised to her in the past about my dog barking when we let her out last thing at night because my neighbours bedroom overlook both our gardens, and she says she never hears them. It's just us that is noisy.

My husband thinks she is trying to deflect from her dogs barking and howling when she leaves her house, but we have never complained in the three years we've been here. Yeah it's annoying, but we wouldn't complain about it because we have dogs ourselves. I'm genuinely worried that she is going to get us kicked out.

OP posts:
birdling · 06/07/2025 11:42

Surely you need to complain about her barking dogs then? With enough evidence and complaints, maybe she will be evicted and then you wouldn't have to move. If the neighbour on you other side can also hear them, then you could suggest he/she complains as well.

Boddica2000 · 06/07/2025 11:43

JanuaryFlowers · 06/07/2025 11:42

She claims she has but it's 'vibrations' coming from my house that wakes her up. I have apologised to her in the past about my dog barking when we let her out last thing at night because my neighbours bedroom overlook both our gardens, and she says she never hears them. It's just us that is noisy.

My husband thinks she is trying to deflect from her dogs barking and howling when she leaves her house, but we have never complained in the three years we've been here. Yeah it's annoying, but we wouldn't complain about it because we have dogs ourselves. I'm genuinely worried that she is going to get us kicked out.

You need to stop trying to figure out her reasons for being a harassing nutbag, and just deal with the reality that she is a harassing nutbag, with no further interactions with her, at all.

menopausalfart · 06/07/2025 11:45

She sounds unhinged. I would record everything, including her dogs. She is harassing you, and that is not okay.

Daleksatemyshed · 06/07/2025 11:46

I'd bide my time Op and see what happens next , the housing assn know it's not you being loud. I would start keeping a record of everything, how long her dogs bark for, anything she posts about on sm just incase it's useful later

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 06/07/2025 11:46

Get onto the council about her ddogs. Why wouldn't you? If not for you for the poor ddogs..
Block her. Stop engaging with her nonsense...
Regarding the fb posts add your own about ndn barking ddog issue...

Getupat8amnow · 06/07/2025 11:47

Your neighbour definitely needs earplugs. I am afraid you are at the point that no matter what you do she will complain about noise from you even thought it clearly isn’t you. Does she have a neighbour on the other side of her? If so they are probably making noise and she is deflecting her anger onto you.

I think your husband is right to keep a log of her noise, even if you don’t use it having it will help if this situation continues to escalate. Also video her dogs barking at different times, make sure in the video you show your dogs sleeping or quiet in the background with the sound of her dogs barking so that is proof it is her dogs not yours. Having you other side neighbour agreeing you don’t make noise and disturb her is a great way to prove you are doing nothing wrong.

I am sorry you are in this situation as it sounds very stressful. I hope your neighbour calms down and starts behaving appropriately, clearly her new job is stressing her out but that is not your fault and you shouldn’t be her focus to get her frustration out. Best wishes to you and your family.

Redflagsabounded · 06/07/2025 11:47

Do you put washing machine on overnight?

If not, then I think you need to start a harassment complaint with the HA. She isn't going to just stop, I'm afraid

JanuaryFlowers · 06/07/2025 11:51

You are right, I know I am being abit of a doormat. I'm just worried about losing our house. I never, ever want to be homeless again.

I just don't understand why she is being this way? We have been fine for the first three years. I take her parcels in, she has taken in mine. Our kids play together. She knocked on my door two weeks ago asking for help starting her works van, and my husband did go out and help her even with all this going on because we don't want negativity. We don't crap with our neighbours but it's the anonymous complaint that has done me.

I'm ill so can't drive at the moment, so have taken one of our vehicles off the road because there is no point paying two lots of road tax and insurance. So we've sorned it until winter. The housing association is fine with that after our chat with them, but it's the fact she is complaining about everything now.. it is effecting how we interact when we drive up to our house. We were happy, chatting and laughing.. now we walk in complete silence even during the bloody day. I just don't know what her issue with us is.

OP posts:
TappyGilmore · 06/07/2025 11:52

Your husband is right, you need to complain about her. You say you just want to live peacefully … but the problem is that your neighbour clearly doesn’t.

Your complaint should be for two reasons:

Firstly on grounds of harassment - that is, repeatedly asking you to stop making noise when the noise isn’t coming from your property.

Secondly on grounds of noise because of her dogs.

JanuaryFlowers · 06/07/2025 11:54

Boddica2000 · 06/07/2025 11:43

You need to stop trying to figure out her reasons for being a harassing nutbag, and just deal with the reality that she is a harassing nutbag, with no further interactions with her, at all.

Omg.. this actually made lol 😂

OP posts:
Boddica2000 · 06/07/2025 11:57

JanuaryFlowers · 06/07/2025 11:54

Omg.. this actually made lol 😂

Well, good :) I really meant it though.

I used to try to figure out the whys, but a psychologist made me see that why people do things mostly doesn't really matter, and we need to just deal with what they do. It's a generalisation, but it is "generally" true and really simplifies things.

JanuaryFlowers · 06/07/2025 11:57

birdling · 06/07/2025 11:42

Surely you need to complain about her barking dogs then? With enough evidence and complaints, maybe she will be evicted and then you wouldn't have to move. If the neighbour on you other side can also hear them, then you could suggest he/she complains as well.

Yeah, my husband said he's had enough and he recorded them last night. He is going to do it for the next couple of weeks and then submit the complaint.

I think I have just been naively hoping it would go away.. I don't want to do tit for tat.

She does all her own electrical work on her house because she's an electrician by trade, and I know for a fact that is a breech of tenancy but I just stay in my lane. I have been trying to work out why she suddenly has an issue.. but like a previous person said I need to stop trying to rationalise why she is a nut bag and just accept it.

OP posts:
Annoyeddd · 06/07/2025 11:58

Boddica2000 · 06/07/2025 11:43

You need to stop trying to figure out her reasons for being a harassing nutbag, and just deal with the reality that she is a harassing nutbag, with no further interactions with her, at all.

We had one of those harassing nutbags a few years back kept on moaning about the children, TV, talking too loud etc.
DH kept appeasing her telling me to keep the children quiet not put on TV but still she kept on. Alright for him he was away at work until late. Eventually it got so difficult and lost it with him saying he should be telling her to stfu not me or I would.

KellySeveride · 06/07/2025 11:58

I think you need to film the noise when she is doing her door banging routine again. And film the noise from the dogs. And report it to your HA as a non complaint. Ask if they can just put it on file for now. Just so you have a record.

FWIW our next door neighbour likes to bang her front door, we have never considered going round or upsetting anyone. It’s just a door! We get on well with her and we’d like to keep it that way.

Boddica2000 · 06/07/2025 11:59

Annoyeddd · 06/07/2025 11:58

We had one of those harassing nutbags a few years back kept on moaning about the children, TV, talking too loud etc.
DH kept appeasing her telling me to keep the children quiet not put on TV but still she kept on. Alright for him he was away at work until late. Eventually it got so difficult and lost it with him saying he should be telling her to stfu not me or I would.

I'm sorry, that sounds really stressful.

Themomentsheknewshefkedup · 06/07/2025 11:59

TigerRag · 06/07/2025 11:35

She needs to get herself a pair of earplugs

This. This is very much a her problem

JanuaryFlowers · 06/07/2025 12:04

I think from what everyone is saying we do need to put a complaint in.. I just don't want tit for tat.

It's a shame really because before this, it was a great place to live and we were genuinely grateful for having landed on our feet really, especially with everything that is going on with the housing crisis right now. You'd think she'd feel the same.

OP posts:
Annoyeddd · 06/07/2025 12:07

JanuaryFlowers · 06/07/2025 12:04

I think from what everyone is saying we do need to put a complaint in.. I just don't want tit for tat.

It's a shame really because before this, it was a great place to live and we were genuinely grateful for having landed on our feet really, especially with everything that is going on with the housing crisis right now. You'd think she'd feel the same.

Some people just can't accept that others have different lives and keep different hours. Perhaps they should save up and get themselves a detached house on an island

JanuaryFlowers · 06/07/2025 12:10

Redflagsabounded · 06/07/2025 11:47

Do you put washing machine on overnight?

If not, then I think you need to start a harassment complaint with the HA. She isn't going to just stop, I'm afraid

No we don't run anything like that at night because of fire risks. I also have a fear that my washing machine breaks and floods my kitchen 😂

It has happened to my mum before so I don't even run them when I'm out.

OP posts:
Boddica2000 · 06/07/2025 12:13

JanuaryFlowers · 06/07/2025 12:04

I think from what everyone is saying we do need to put a complaint in.. I just don't want tit for tat.

It's a shame really because before this, it was a great place to live and we were genuinely grateful for having landed on our feet really, especially with everything that is going on with the housing crisis right now. You'd think she'd feel the same.

Whether you go with puting a complaint in or not is up to you, but very definitely keep records and proof and stop engaging with her altogether. Good luck.

JanuaryFlowers · 06/07/2025 12:17

KellySeveride · 06/07/2025 11:58

I think you need to film the noise when she is doing her door banging routine again. And film the noise from the dogs. And report it to your HA as a non complaint. Ask if they can just put it on file for now. Just so you have a record.

FWIW our next door neighbour likes to bang her front door, we have never considered going round or upsetting anyone. It’s just a door! We get on well with her and we’d like to keep it that way.

Our neighbour to our right really slams her front door. She has a four year old and they just don't know their own strength. I have never in a million years thought about complaining about that.

I have wondered whether it's my neighbour on my right slamming her door, and my neighbour on my left believes it to be me. But it wouldn't explain why she complains on the Thursday night when we get in from cubs because it is us definitely coming into our home.

I just don't know, the feeling I'm getting from everyone responding is I'm trying to rationalise something that just can't be rationalised and just deal with it via our HA, and not ignore it.

I just worry what will happen when we escalate it with our own complaints. If she is like this now, she might become unhinged and do something daft like damage property or throw rat poison into my garden for my dogs to find.. I don't trust her and feel that her complaints have come when she feels like she hasn't ended up with her way so to speak.

I'm being a coward and fear retaliation from her. That is the whole issue really.

OP posts:
Catsandcannedbeans · 06/07/2025 12:18

Your husband sounds like me, you sound like my DH. I’m always wanting to fight fire with fire and he’s always wanting to be calm and composed. Whatever you do, keep a log. A log of her dogs barking, with times, write up all the complaints she’s made with the date, build a file on it. That way if you do proceed you have all your evidence nicely organised.

She needs to get some earplugs. I used to have to get up for work at 5AM, so I understand it’s a pain, but the world doesn’t stop because you need to be up for work. An unfortunate fact of life is that the world doesn’t revolve around me. :(

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