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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I really being a nuisance neighbour?

69 replies

JanuaryFlowers · 06/07/2025 11:32

This is really long.. so I apologise in advance. I live on a newbuild housing estate in social housing. I live in a middle two bedroom terrace with a neighbour either side. We all have one child each.

We have lived here relatively happily for the last 3 years, and get on really well with our neighbours as our children, all girls, play together outside. My neighbour to the left has two dogs who when left alone, will bark and howl until she comes home. I have two dogs myself and I understand they can be a nuisance, and one of mine barks when she goes outside to do her business so I never complain about it. But I do not leave my dogs barking. The moment they start, I bring them in. My neighbours dogs do bark until the early hours on weekends, last night it was just after 1am but I have never complained because I like being friendly and don't want to cause problems.

Now this same neighbour started a new job and as such leaves for work at 6am during the week and has complained about me coming home at 9pm-9.15pm, mainly on Thursdays due to my DD having cub scouts, and being noisy. At the time our front door was misaligned due to bad workmanship and I accepted that my closing the front door was probably waking her up so I always apologised and endeavoured to be as quiet as physically possible.

My front door has since been fixed and we no longer have that issue. Yet her complaints about 'banging doors' persist. She says my car doors closing wake her up. Then it's my front door closing. Then it's my french doors closing. Then it's 'vibrations' coming from my house. Essentially what she wants is for me to be in my home by 8pm every night, regardless of our lives and stay home because she goes to sleep at 9pm every night.

One night she came banging on my front door claiming I was being noisy.. I had literally just walked into my home and the time duration from me closing my front door to her being there was seconds, all most like she was waiting for me to get in, just to complain. I was tired and I stupidly told her that if she had such an issue that she needed to complain to our housing association, which she did. And I got a noise complaint letter.

I have asked my neighbour to the right if she can hear me and she says absolutely not. In fact, I never hear her either. All that neighbour ever hears is the dogs barking till stupid o'clock nearly every weekend from the neighbour to my left.

Our housing association investigated and decided our 'noise' wasn't anti-social and just normal daily noise, and suggested our neighbour purchase earplugs and dropped the complaint.

One night, me and my husband were sat downstairs with our french doors open and clearly heard someone thumping, banging and slamming doors. We heard a front door open and slam loudly and then french doors open and slam loudly and when we went outside into the garden, it sounded like it was coming from our neighbour who complained about us.

We shrugged it off and carried on with our evening, then I got a message on my FB messenger from the same neighbour asking me to stop banging and slamming doors. I explained that it wasn't us, my DD was asleep upstairs and were in our living room watching tv.

She sent loads of messages, going on and on even though I repeatedly explained it wasn't us. She then posted on our estate Facebook page for everyone to see, asking what she should do about daily noise from her neighbours?

I'd had enough at this point and called my housing association the next day about it. They said they will add what I'd said to the file if a complaint came in, which surprisingly it never did.

Instead our housing association wrote to us informing us an anonymous complaint has been put in about driveway having an 'uninsured vehicle on it' and they needed proof it was insured and taxed.

When I asked if the anonymous complaint was my neighbour to the left, they didn't confirm nor deny it but asked me why I suspected it to be her. I explained because a stranger wouldn't complain to my housing association unless they knew 100% that I was renting and hadn't bought the home myself. And the complaint would have had to have come from someone in possession of a tenancy agreement to know that us having an untaxed/uninsured vehicle on our driveway would be a breech of tenancy. I also explained our history with this neighbour and the housing association informed me that they were going to 'keep an eye on the situation that was clearly developing' and would no longer pursue the anonymous complaint.

So it's obviously her again. She can't get me kicked out because of percieved noise, so now she is trying other ways.

My husband has decided he wants to fight fire with fire, gather evidence on her barking dogs and make a complaint ourselves but I don't want that. I don't want to escalate it. I just want to live in peace. Our previous landlord sold the home we had lived in for 14 years during covid and we were homeless for months until we got this house, I don't want to be homeless again.

What annoys me is she adamant that we bang around in our home until midnight. My husband is a HGV driver and leaves for work at 5.30am every morning. My daughter is at primary school. We are in bed most nights between 9pm-10pm so the banging she is hearing absolutely isn't us. My neighbour to my right is adamant she can't hear us.

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
BreatheAndFocus · 06/07/2025 14:01

I wonder whether she’s trying to put you on the back foot so that you don’t complain about her dogs? I had a neighbour like that. We both have dogs, but mine barks occasionally eg if someone rings the doorbell, but hers howls and barks and whines for hours.

One day out of the blue, she and her adult daughter met me in the street and told me my dog was getting worse and barking a lot. I was really surprised at this, asked the neighbour the other side, and also bought a camera for my house in case my dog was barking when I was out, but there was nothing. My dog was the same as she’d always been. I think her comment to me was an attempt to scare me into not complaining about their dog (not that I was going to) or to make me think my dog was causing issues.

The next time she mentioned my dog, I told her I’d put a camera there and there was no barking, and she backtracked. I wasn’t rude to her, but I was firm. Perhaps your neighbour is putting you on edge and making you paranoid about making noise for similar reasons - to stop the possibility of you complaining about her.

I wouldn’t complain yet. I’d keep records of her dogs and if she approaches you again, I’d have a polite but firm answer to give, eg say that you’re not making the midnight noise as go to bed at Xpm; never run your washing machine or anything so any vibrations must be from elsewhere, etc. State all that as indisputable facts.

Disturbia81 · 06/07/2025 14:05

Boddica2000 · 06/07/2025 11:57

Well, good :) I really meant it though.

I used to try to figure out the whys, but a psychologist made me see that why people do things mostly doesn't really matter, and we need to just deal with what they do. It's a generalisation, but it is "generally" true and really simplifies things.

This is so true. There is really no point figuring out why people behave batshit sometimes. Just don’t engage.

ThinWomansBrain · 06/07/2025 14:06

ANyone who had a problem with the noise of a door closing at 9pm should not be living in a terraced house.

Maybe a padded cell and the poor dog be rehomed

PulchritudinousLycanthrope · 06/07/2025 14:10

I would be tempted to smuggle in a mate and tell the neighbour you were all going away for the night.

Once she has seen you all drive away, the mate could let rip with the door banging!

Happyher · 06/07/2025 14:14

If she makes a further complaint about noise and the HA contact you about it ask them what evidence she has. Keep a daily diary of your own coming and goings as well as the annoying things she does. They can’t take any action against you without evidence. If she accuses you of noises while you’re out your own diary will negate hers.
You could ask the HA if they could arrange mediation which would involve you sitting down with the neighbour and a mediator to try and talk through this and identify any crossed wires.

pictoosh · 06/07/2025 14:17

Ack gawd. Hate people like this. They enjoy complaining, shit-stirring and inserting themselves into a drama. Why? Dunno...some sort of main character syndrome personality flaw. Bored and discontent...a natural bully.

There are quite a lot of them. Sorry you have encountered one. Agree with those who say you can't 'nice' yourselves out of this. It'll be something else soon enough. She wants a target and something to talk about.
All you can do is ignore her but be civil in passing. Give her nothing to expand on. Keep a log of her intrusions and exchanges.

Driftingawaynow · 06/07/2025 14:29

I would talk to the HA about your understandable but probably irrational fear of losing your tenancy and how it’s made you terrified. They can talk you through what you would actually have to do in order to loose it, having a good working relationship with them and being open about what sounds like residual trauma from being homeless should take some of the power out of it. Also you might want to consider having a bit of therapy or at the very least doing some reading about the mental toll of homelessness. It’s a huge thing you have gone through and it does tend to change your way of seeing the world if something like that has happened to you. It sounds like you’ve got yourself into a good safe housing situation and with a bit more information, you might start to be able to trust it and relax.

I would absolutely log complaints about the nuisance noise, it’s ok and safe to stand up for yourself

if there’s any chance the electrics might have been botched I would also complain about that because it’s a fire risk

Nevermind91 · 06/07/2025 14:35

Your neighbour sounds crazy. Is it possible that the builders skimped when constructing the wall between you and her?

Is there any possibility of you and both neighbours conducting an experiment? You all go to her house and listen to your husband as he closes doors, etc in your house. Then repeat in the other neighbour's house.

Richiewoo · 06/07/2025 14:38

Your husband is right. You need to report her dogs. Let the Ha sort it out.

andthat · 06/07/2025 14:47

You said you don’t know what to do @JanuaryFlowers

The answer to that is to completely ignore her. You cannot reason with unreasonable people.

She’s batshit. Carry on living your life. And if her dogs are causing unacceptable noise then report.

Kindly, you need to develop a thicker skin where she is concerned. The sooner you do, the better you will feel.

Good luck.

MayaPinion · 06/07/2025 14:51

Live your lives normally and stop trying to appease her. You are letting her bully and harass you. When she complains tell her No! Tell her that you are not doing anything that breaks the tenancy agreement or the law and you will not be told how to live in your own home. Tell her it sounds like terrace home living is unsuitable for her and was she not aware that she would be able to hear noise from other houses. Perhaps she should move to more accommodation that better suits her needs.

cloudyblueglass · 06/07/2025 14:57

She’s a look. Let her carry on

ButteredRadish · 06/07/2025 15:00

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 06/07/2025 12:39

@JanuaryFlowers as regards the vehicle in the drive being untaxed, it is off the road so that is fine. just to make it even more legal, declare is as sorn!

OP has already stated she’s SORN’d it! RTFT

mathanxiety · 06/07/2025 15:02

Boddica2000 · 06/07/2025 11:43

You need to stop trying to figure out her reasons for being a harassing nutbag, and just deal with the reality that she is a harassing nutbag, with no further interactions with her, at all.

This.

Can you get a ring doorbel installed, and a recording device (audio and video) for the barking?

I think you need to keep a record of all the complaints and consider going to the police with a harassment case. Compile the case over several months.

The expectation of a completely silent neighbourhood /neighbours at 9pm so you can get nine hours of sleep is batshit level unreasonable.

Don't go in guns blazing as your H wants to do. Be patient and you will have a very solid case

hazelowens · 06/07/2025 15:07

You need to record everything. If you hear her slamming doors again record the noise but make sure your husband can be seen so they know it isn't him making the noise to get the neighbour into trouble.

mathanxiety · 06/07/2025 15:07

Driftingawaynow · 06/07/2025 14:29

I would talk to the HA about your understandable but probably irrational fear of losing your tenancy and how it’s made you terrified. They can talk you through what you would actually have to do in order to loose it, having a good working relationship with them and being open about what sounds like residual trauma from being homeless should take some of the power out of it. Also you might want to consider having a bit of therapy or at the very least doing some reading about the mental toll of homelessness. It’s a huge thing you have gone through and it does tend to change your way of seeing the world if something like that has happened to you. It sounds like you’ve got yourself into a good safe housing situation and with a bit more information, you might start to be able to trust it and relax.

I would absolutely log complaints about the nuisance noise, it’s ok and safe to stand up for yourself

if there’s any chance the electrics might have been botched I would also complain about that because it’s a fire risk

This is really solid advice, @JanuaryFlowers

You are not a second class citizen.

You have every right to the peaceful and quiet enjoyment of your own home, and whether rented or owned is irrelevant. It is your home. You do not owe your beighbour special consideration above and beyond politeness and civility.

mathanxiety · 06/07/2025 15:11

JanuaryFlowers · 06/07/2025 12:17

Our neighbour to our right really slams her front door. She has a four year old and they just don't know their own strength. I have never in a million years thought about complaining about that.

I have wondered whether it's my neighbour on my right slamming her door, and my neighbour on my left believes it to be me. But it wouldn't explain why she complains on the Thursday night when we get in from cubs because it is us definitely coming into our home.

I just don't know, the feeling I'm getting from everyone responding is I'm trying to rationalise something that just can't be rationalised and just deal with it via our HA, and not ignore it.

I just worry what will happen when we escalate it with our own complaints. If she is like this now, she might become unhinged and do something daft like damage property or throw rat poison into my garden for my dogs to find.. I don't trust her and feel that her complaints have come when she feels like she hasn't ended up with her way so to speak.

I'm being a coward and fear retaliation from her. That is the whole issue really.

This is a trauma response.

Please take the advice to talk to the HA and to get some counseling.

Compile a case for the barking and the harassment. You will feel more empowered as your files build.

Then after the summer, take your complaints to the HA and keep the possibility of police involvement on the table.

Geminidancer · 06/07/2025 15:19

Is she an alcoholic, op? Her behaviour sounds erratic, we had an alcoholic neighbour, albeit a fairly functional one, she was OK...... Until she'd had a drink, then perfectly reasonable noises, were responded to with irrational behaviour, note down when she's being stupid and irrational it may form a pattern as to when she drinks, nb, it wasn't always in the evening with our neighbours.

Balloonhearts · 06/07/2025 15:47

I'd have a laptop or camera recording in your hall at night so you can prove that it genuinely isn't you coming in and out noisily.

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