Not attracted to DH - how to row this back?

[GlobalFish]

DH and I have been together 13 years, married for 9, 2 DCs.

Sex life has been great, he's a very good looking man, knows what he's doing, no issues there.

Increasingly, he's just useless day-to-day and I think it's completely destroyed my attraction to him. Just yesterday, he had to work in the morning, that was fine until he got home over an hour late and that made us late for a party. He was in a foul mood about the issue at work that had made him late (not his fault, in fairness) but he whinged the whole time getting ready about it. He then asked if I was ok with his outfit - a pair of rugby shorts he's had for over a decade with paint splattered on them and a different rugby shirt, also with paint splattered on it. I had to actually ask him to change.

En route, we had to stop to purchase a card/gift for the party (it was the birthday party for the child of a friend) - he suggested that he go in and I wait in the car with DCs (all fine) but the gift he bought wasn't really appropriate at all for that child and he forgot to get a card. I didn't say a word about it. The party was all fine.

Then we left and had to go to a supermarket again to pick up some bits for dinner and some laundry bits. We walked in with the shopping bag and got a self-scanner. After we were in, he decided he wanted a trolley so went back out to get one, came back in and decided he wanted to look at the stick deodorants (having picked up a spray one). This involved him looking through the ingredients for all the ones on sale and seeing if they have aluminium in them. The problem is that two young DCs are tired, it's nearing bedtime and they've had sugar so they're getting ratty and are getting rattier waiting around. So I took DC to the next aisle to get other bits while DH looked at the deodorant. DH joins us on that aisle, then decides he needs something else and doubles-back again - which causes DCs to get more impatient and ratty. He finally joins us in the meat aisle - I ask if he wants steak or chicken wings (we'd previously discussed both). He says he wants to take a look. So, we stand in the meat aisle for ages while he looks at the steaks and the chicken wings and thinks about it. Eventually, I snap at him to just make a damn decision on what he wants for dinner and end up getting chicken thighs and walking DCs to the next bit. We need milk for DD but, instead of putting it in the bag in the trolley, he puts it outside the bag (despite me putting everything else inside the bag) so then DD is whining about wanting it (she's a complete milk addict - she's 2) and having seen the milk is now miserable that she can't have it. Then, we just needed some laundry products. He went to get scent boosters and then just stood with them inches from his face saying they didn't have any and we'd need to go to a different supermarket.

We got home, got DCs to bed, then had to start on dinner - that was a whole other fiasco. Without a complete timeline, things like me setting serving utensils out and him absent-mindedly taking them away, him burning the chicken on the BBQ, him deciding to do another job half-way through dinner and delaying everything by 30 minutes, him covering the chicken in oil for no reason (even though he knows I'm dieting) and then lying about it and saying he didn't do it...

Then, after dinner, we went upstairs and I asked him about this weird lumpy/dimpling that's on one of my breasts that I'm worried about. I asked if he could take a picture and he said he would. Then the dog started barking so he went down to see what was wrong. He came back half an hour later and was confused as to why that annoyed me. He'd just completely forgotten that I was waiting and that we were having quite a serious conversation. I felt like an idiot waiting around topless for him - like, I felt really vulnerable and embarrassed.

So, all in all, he was just being useless and difficult all day - and it feels like he's like this most days. He then woke me up in the early hours of the morning wanting sex. I went along with it but wasn't feeling it at all. I actually didn't feel at all attracted to him. I've told him before that I find him being difficult/incompetent unattractive but it's usually something that passes (i.e. when he's actually being incompetent, I find him unattractive, but that goes away when he's stopped doing the incompetent thing). This time, it was firmly there.

He's gone to work again this morning and I'm just stuck thinking about how incompetent and unattractive I find him and I don't know how to move past it.

Did you watch the latest Stacey Solomon and Joe Swash series? I was reminded of them reading your posts.

Yea but also, how many times have we all been in the middle of something, got distracted and then forgot about it. I do this at least 20 times a day because my mind is in overdrive with all the endless life admin. How hard was it to say ‘hey, waiting for you to take this picture’. It sounds like OP sometimes wants to be annoyed with DH in these situations, as opposed to communicating about them. I’m not saying she’s wrong to be generally upset or that she’s unreasonable, but none of the things she’s described are catastrophic, they’re just an accumulation of stresses and perceptions that built over time.

I’m starting to have sympathy for your husband, if this is what he has to put up with.

Order the present in Amazon, don’t go shopping with tired irritable kids, etc. That’s what the rest of us do.

You need a vacation by yourself, somewhere nice, that you like a lot, without phones and a video check-in only once per day. When he has more to do, he will dawdle less. So, when you return do not pick up what are his jobs to do for the children and the house. Let's see if he still reads deodorant ingredients if he takes the children by himself to the market. You are doing too much. And pack the paint shorts and paint top and leave them at the resort.

It sounds like online shopping would solve 80% of your problems.

I’m starting to have sympathy for your husband, if this is what he has to put up with.
Order the present in Amazon, don’t go shopping with tired irritable kids, etc. That’s what the rest of us do.

Well said!

Amazon prime a present and card. Tesco online delivery. extremely un stressful ways of doing both the things that caused you massive stress. 👍🏼

I’d really recommend reading the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman. It sounds like you are resenting your husband over what are in the face of it minor/avoidable issues. Do you feel like you’re carrying much more of the family load (which the childcare situation points to) or that he’s not prioritising you (which his lack of care about your breast issue suggests)?

OP I am not sure what you want people to say to you. Marriage is hard work - of course you’re going to find your DH annoying and unattractive at times - he probably feels the same way about you! Why do some marriages work and others don’t? Have patience with each other, yes being organised as much as possible does help (I felt exhausted reading your post!). Look at ways to make your lives easier if you can, make time to have quality time together otherwise your going to get more and more ratty with him, then what - seperation, divorce- is that what you really want? Yes it was poor of him to forget about your heath concerns and he does need pulling up about it, because that’s the serious stuff - just let the mundane trivia go. Good luck

Your husband has all the classic behaviours of ADHD .Google ADHD in men/ boys and there you will find your husband.

Totally agree with this

I genuinely do think you’re overreacting with a lot of this.

Firstly you describe a weird day that could have been resolved with common sense (from both of you - ie not cramming a lot of random shit in one day.)

It’s totally valid for him to mention that something at work annoyed him and made him late home. That would annoy anyone surely

It was weird for you both to visit the supermarket twice in one day. Could the present/food shop not have been the day before? Could the gift not be ordered in advance?

In a relationship you should surely know your strengths and weaknesses. Like perhaps you should have got the gift and he stayed in the car with the kids. And maybe during the food shop later on, the kids stayed in the car with one adult as they are tired. You were snipping at him due to the kids being tired and him faffing, but did the kids really need to be in the supermarket the 2nd visit?

Then when you were waiting around with your top off, wouldn’t you just put a top or dressing gown back on after a couple of minutes? Ask him how long he’s going to be? You sat naked for 30 minutes feeling embarrassed and vulnerable is your own fault really. It takes seconds to put a t shirt on and seconds to take it off.

if I’m being completely honest I don’t think your husband would struggle to find someone else if you did split, cause you don’t go on to explain anything “bad” about him.

I think if you were to uproot your relationship over this, you might find yourself disappointed that the next man does some of this

Amazon Prime next day delivery for a gift for the 3yo and MoonPig app for the birthday card or do a handmade one. Birthday card and present sorted✅️

Shopping for groceries - do it night before party for next day delivery ✅️

Sex - don't feel forced. Tell him to use Pam and her five fingers instead every so often. Be assertive.

Lastly- don't feel vulnerable just shout downstairs "get the F upstairs I need you now!" Be Assertive.

Get that lump check out please as others have said already.

Invest in Amazon Prime. Cards/gifts next day from your armchair. Do meal planning and have online shopping delivered. you just don’t like your husband. You can’t change him if he’s still irritating you all these years later. Just leave and co parent. You’ll have less rage. I can even feel the rage in your posts.
My husband works way more than me. I pick up shopping and life laundry because I have time he doesn’t but I guarantee you he would be crap at it and I could probably agree with you that he’d also be buying wrong presents and forgetting cards. But it doesn’t really bother me or change how I feel about him. His strengths are gardening which I hate, and having fun with us all and planning things to do. Shopping is a no. Cleaning is a no. But that’s ok. He can do other things and crucially. I like and love him. I honestly think that is the difference. You don’t like yours. Get out. Don’t waste your life.

Boob - make a doctor's appointment. Faffing around involving your husband and making him take photos, totally unnecessary and a waste of time. The only way to get an answer is to see a doc.

birthday present - this is what amazon prime is for

and I would have just ordered a pizza delivery for dinner.

It's really not that complicated.

So, all in all, he was just being useless and difficult all day - and it feels like he's like this most days. He then woke me up in the early hours of the morning wanting sex.

Sounds utterly grim. Why are you putting up with this shit?

I agree with the person who responded to your post OP. While your husband’s actions would have annoyed me, you have created unnecessarily stressful situations. Perhaps if you didn’t do that, it might help you feel better. It also might decrease the likelihood of him messing up as well.

1. You tried to squeeze too much into one day. If I was attending a birthday party with kids, I wouldn’t also be planning a shopping trip and a BBQ, all shortly before bedtime. It sounds bonkers frankly.
2. Buying a birthday present and card, when you are already running late and right before a party? Also bonkers. Personally I buy a present shortly after receiving the invite and have generic cards in a pack in preparation. Most people don’t leave purchasing the present until the day of the party. Yes, it would’ve annoyed me that he forgot the card (two items and he couldn’t remember one).
3. Most men are just shit at buying presents. I would not have delegated that task - it was setting him up to fail.
4. You don’t seem to have a lot of self awareness here that it isn’t just him behaving in a way that is less than competent. He is less than competent in terms of the details, you have fallen down in the bigger picture.

I do think it was crap of him though regarding examining your lump and the way he behaved. It was incredibly insensitive and there is no excuse. I hope you get that sorted. He is annoying for sure, but if you set up your days in a more realistic way, that would be a good start. If, with less crammed in, he’s still incompetent he really doesn’t have much of an excuse.

Even if you organise life better so that you’re not relying on your dh to do stuff, I can see how his behaviour/personality would be off putting and unattractive. YANBU there. But YABU for buying scent boosters.

You are not alone in feeling like this...HIGHLY recommend this book which explains why you feel like this and more importantly what you can do about it. https://amzn.to/3TodHtT

I feel your pain - I have one of these, and find it equally off putting. It’s hard to fancy someone who isn’t pulling their weight and is just added work. I think of it like a sort of relationship version of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs - until we fulfil the basics, we can’t get to the next level! Sounds like he might benefit from reading “This is how your marriage ends” by Matthew Fray. Actually you might find it helpful too. He was one of these men until his wife divorced him and he spent a lot of time figuring it out.

If anyone woke me for sex I’d never want to have sex with them again. So disrespectful. Urgh.

I wouldn't dream of going into a supermarket with my husband as I'd be dealing with the same sort of thing, OP. I'm sure this isn't the first time he's driven you to the brink with his supermarket behaviour. I've been there and know what my husband is like so in your shoes I'd have made sure we all went home after the party and told dh to get kids ready for bed while I went shopping. Divide, conquer and most importantly avoid the irritating behaviour. It's easier to change how and when you do things than to try to change him. Believe me!

I read this as you feel like he doesn’t care enough and this is why you are backing off. You need him to step up and he doesn’t. He seems to be self absorbed and needs a good dose of things not being done for him.
if he forgets something shopping he needs to go back and get it.

I can see how annoying this is for you. I think you are carrying most of the mental load and his messing about is irritating to you obviously. He sounds like he isn’t present. Like his brain is somewhere else and he isn’t in the room. Has he been detaching himself for a while?
(not meant in a passive aggressive judgmental manner btw)