Not attracted to DH - how to row this back?

[GlobalFish]

DH and I have been together 13 years, married for 9, 2 DCs.

Sex life has been great, he's a very good looking man, knows what he's doing, no issues there.

Increasingly, he's just useless day-to-day and I think it's completely destroyed my attraction to him. Just yesterday, he had to work in the morning, that was fine until he got home over an hour late and that made us late for a party. He was in a foul mood about the issue at work that had made him late (not his fault, in fairness) but he whinged the whole time getting ready about it. He then asked if I was ok with his outfit - a pair of rugby shorts he's had for over a decade with paint splattered on them and a different rugby shirt, also with paint splattered on it. I had to actually ask him to change.

En route, we had to stop to purchase a card/gift for the party (it was the birthday party for the child of a friend) - he suggested that he go in and I wait in the car with DCs (all fine) but the gift he bought wasn't really appropriate at all for that child and he forgot to get a card. I didn't say a word about it. The party was all fine.

Then we left and had to go to a supermarket again to pick up some bits for dinner and some laundry bits. We walked in with the shopping bag and got a self-scanner. After we were in, he decided he wanted a trolley so went back out to get one, came back in and decided he wanted to look at the stick deodorants (having picked up a spray one). This involved him looking through the ingredients for all the ones on sale and seeing if they have aluminium in them. The problem is that two young DCs are tired, it's nearing bedtime and they've had sugar so they're getting ratty and are getting rattier waiting around. So I took DC to the next aisle to get other bits while DH looked at the deodorant. DH joins us on that aisle, then decides he needs something else and doubles-back again - which causes DCs to get more impatient and ratty. He finally joins us in the meat aisle - I ask if he wants steak or chicken wings (we'd previously discussed both). He says he wants to take a look. So, we stand in the meat aisle for ages while he looks at the steaks and the chicken wings and thinks about it. Eventually, I snap at him to just make a damn decision on what he wants for dinner and end up getting chicken thighs and walking DCs to the next bit. We need milk for DD but, instead of putting it in the bag in the trolley, he puts it outside the bag (despite me putting everything else inside the bag) so then DD is whining about wanting it (she's a complete milk addict - she's 2) and having seen the milk is now miserable that she can't have it. Then, we just needed some laundry products. He went to get scent boosters and then just stood with them inches from his face saying they didn't have any and we'd need to go to a different supermarket.

We got home, got DCs to bed, then had to start on dinner - that was a whole other fiasco. Without a complete timeline, things like me setting serving utensils out and him absent-mindedly taking them away, him burning the chicken on the BBQ, him deciding to do another job half-way through dinner and delaying everything by 30 minutes, him covering the chicken in oil for no reason (even though he knows I'm dieting) and then lying about it and saying he didn't do it...

Then, after dinner, we went upstairs and I asked him about this weird lumpy/dimpling that's on one of my breasts that I'm worried about. I asked if he could take a picture and he said he would. Then the dog started barking so he went down to see what was wrong. He came back half an hour later and was confused as to why that annoyed me. He'd just completely forgotten that I was waiting and that we were having quite a serious conversation. I felt like an idiot waiting around topless for him - like, I felt really vulnerable and embarrassed.

So, all in all, he was just being useless and difficult all day - and it feels like he's like this most days. He then woke me up in the early hours of the morning wanting sex. I went along with it but wasn't feeling it at all. I actually didn't feel at all attracted to him. I've told him before that I find him being difficult/incompetent unattractive but it's usually something that passes (i.e. when he's actually being incompetent, I find him unattractive, but that goes away when he's stopped doing the incompetent thing). This time, it was firmly there.

He's gone to work again this morning and I'm just stuck thinking about how incompetent and unattractive I find him and I don't know how to move past it.

You sound snappy but PP is making a fair point. (I have also made this error and envy more organised people).

If the birthday present/card had been bought earlier that would have been a non-issue. If you'd planned your meals and had already done the shopping/had it delivered you wouldnt have had to plan and shop in real time on the way home when, it seems, you were all already tired and on edge.

Just let her drink some milk?

Amazon Prime is my friend for last-minute gifts!

I do agree that it sounds just like everyone was sort of on edge and stressed, and the whole thing was destined for failure. A lot of the stuff in that OP we just wouldn’t get that bothered about, like looking at labels and choosing food for a barbecue, but we are usually in good humour when we all go into a supermarket together. If you go in there with the mindset of being rushed and stressed then it’s a different experience.

I also think it seems like you and DH just aren’t very naturally comfortable together as a couple. I notice that with some couples we are friends with too, where the dynamic is just hard work, and everything one half does seems to annoy or upset the other half and they don’t seem to have much sort of tolerance for each other. So little stuff that DH and I wouldn’t really get annoyed about or just kind of accept with good humour, for other people seem to be affect the whole tone of the day. It’s when you reach a sort of ‘contempt’ stage that it gets very difficult to get back from.

Anyway, you're not feeling attracted to him because he's being disorganised, you cant trust him to sort himself out let alone sort stuff for the family, you didn't feel he understood that you are worried about the boob thing, he wasn't in tune with your emotions, it's not just that he isn't sharing the load - some of the stuff he's doing makes your life more difficult.

Of course you don't feel like snagging him!

I suspect he has no idea, along with most men, that competence is an essential precursor to sexual attraction once you're running a family together.

Im not clear whether youve properly had this discussion with him.

I can see why you’re frustrated.
Is there some reason for this inability to concentrate? Is that new? Or worsening?

it sounds like for you organisation and having your shit together is an important part of attractiveness, so it’s worth having a chat with dh around where that is currently falling short. It is for me too, though through those conversations with my own dh I’ve learned that sometimes his way isn’t wrong just different … 🫠

hopefully yesterday was just a series of unfortunate events. And I hope you get the doctors appointment sorted as well.

I don’t think posters suggesting more organisation are meaning to criticise you or derail the thread, myself included, but just trying to see the bigger picture…If you/your DH continually put yourself and your family in stressful situations then he will have more opportunities to be bloody useless and you’ll have more reasons for resentment.
I feel like communication is lacking.

It might be an idea to have a chat about strengths and responsibilities. Eg if you are better at choosing gifts, cards etc then you can take that on and make sure it’s done in time, (eg. Amazon or Argos next day delivery) and if he is in charge of cooking the BBQ for dinner that day then he can buy the food for it, on the way home from work for instance, rather than drag the whole family to the shops same-day.

You also need to have a chat about how waking you up for sex is not ok! But that is a very different issue to generally being a bit crap round the shops.

And agree with others that you need to call the GP for a breast check. Tell DH that it’s important and worrying for you and he was insensitive to just wander off.

Thank you.

It's definitely worsening - he just seems to not give a shit. And it's a combination of things. There's a big difference between someone coming home late, ready to go, whizzing into a supermarket, grabbing something ill thought-out, being a laugh, a smile on their face, being fun, dithering over what they want for dinner because both options sound so good, forgetting to turn the BBQ on, sitting waiting for it to heat up with a glass of wine and fun conversation, being listened to and snuggling down to watch trash TV... compared to, turns up late in a shit, grumpy mood, mopes around, thinks wearing paint-covered sportswear is appropriate (but, actually, knows it isn't because he explicitly came to ask), then wandering around a supermarket while we're supposed to be in a rush and still getting the wrong thing, then obsessing over irrelevant nonsense later that day and not choosing meat for the BBQ because he's obsessing over which ones have the best date (when it doesn't matter because we're eating it in a couple of hours) then just mentally checking out and scrolling his phone the whole time we're together.

Yet still wakes you up in the early hours to meet his needs?

So much of your OP wouldn’t annoy me.

Being late home was out of his control.
I don’t care how long we’re in the supermarket, but why take the kids in when they’re tired? One of you could have gone home with them and the other pop to the shop whilst they’re being put to bed.
Just let her have some milk? Get a small one and pay for it at the end.
A barking dog would have been annoying and distracting when he was looking at your breast.

Going along with sex when you didn’t want to is a separate issue and you should have told him you weren’t feeling it.

it just sounds like you’ve got the ick and you’re picking at everything he does. I bet he has a similar list of things you do that annoy him.

Could it be decision fatigue? I’ve definitely gone through periods of dithering myself, driven by my stress or mental health, where I’ve had to tell dh to please just pick himself, and tell me I cannot be part of these discussions if I start spiralling… the fixation on best dates, no aluminium in deodorant etc could be a symptom of that and leads to him being overwhelmed. I know it’s shit for you in picking up the mental load, but this could be something that is a bit out of his control? Is that something you can broach with him?

ps I know mh is sometimes bandied around as an excuse for shitty behaviour, I’m not saying that gets him off the hook. I’m suggesting it as something to consider discussing as your (both dh and you) responses to it will be a bit different vs him just disengaging and not caring as much as he used to.

Ok, if it hasn’t always been like this and is getting worse… I hate to be that person but shouldn’t he see the GP? You’ve got memory and executive functioning things going on here (knowing his clothes weren’t right but not being able to see why is a bit worrying tbh).

And YANBU anyway

You're frightened. He's stressed.

Fear can drive us to distraction.

Talk to him today telling him how frightened you are. Ask him for emotional support and understanding.

Call the GP first thing tomorrow morning if you haven't already.

Keep him aware of how you're feeling thoughout the process.

Observe his reaction - men can utterly crumble and slither away when women face health challenges.

Is there anyone else you can lean on? Parents, in laws, sister, friends?

Next, look at what ropes you can drop. Things that aren't essential, don't really matter. Not really. What can you let go?

Then look at how you can both plan ahead and organise in advance. It does seem there's an element of chaos in play.

And it does seem that all's not well with him. I'd suggest a GP appointment for him too though I think we can product what his reaction will be. And ok, I'll say it (puts hard hat on) - is there neurodivergence in the mix?

I think pretty much the same as previous posters, its the perfect storm of being late, rushing around, everyone is tired, one adult is better than the other as certain tasks so split them to their skills. The photo of the lump etc is very odd as I'd have expected him to prioritise once the dogs had stopped creating but you could have just shouted out to him, and the waking up for a shag seems odd but maybe more info needed - as in is that normal for your lives etc.

My DH had a phase of mild incompetence when we moved in together, we were like 19 so I don’t hold it against him. I just told him I can’t have sex with you because your incompetence gives me the ick. He’s never loaded the dishwasher wrong since, and now he’s better than me at hoovering. Sometimes you just need to tell them directly.

Also please get your boob checked!!

@Tiswa you mean his wants.

I think you sound a bit high maintenance OP, sorry.

I agree with you on the mood sucking, initially not bothering to make an effort with his clothing for the party and waking you up for sex. All of those things would annoy me.

But the faffing about the milk and not letting the toddler see it and all the rest of it just reads to me as you being a bit of a control freak. I know you won’t like that response but you did ask.

I think you need to take a step back and remember that he’s not you - he doesn’t think in the same way that you do, he won’t make the same decisions ss you. Because you are two separate people, he’s not an extension of you and sometimes he will make choices that you wouldn’t. You need to work on how you deal with that.

Also agree on getting a doctor to look at your breast not your DH who you were already pissed off with. Why choose to lie there topless for half an hour feeling vulnerable? Something else came up, it’s not the end of the world.

While DH was working in the morning, why didn’t you do the food shop and buy a card and present? Sounds like you rely on him to do a lot. He could be very stressed, very disorganised, or be ND?

OP if he works full time and needs the car for work and you have two children, I think a second car might alleviate a lot of your stress. You are otherwise going to get the impact of his poor planning. Eg when he was late you and the children could have still made the party on time (if reasonable I would have considered an UBER to do just that). You would have also been able to shop and pick up the present. He would also have to take responsibility for his wardrobe choices.
If he changes his work patterns such that he cannot do his pick up responsibilities without pre agreeing with you to cover - why is this your problem to resolve? It’s his.
If he is the sort to faff around with labels and protracted decisions in supermarkets with the kids waiting (I have one too) - leave the kids with him whilst you get the rest of the shopping - or wait for him by the till if you are done. Nothing like two whining kids to help him make a decision.
Basically try to arrange your life such that he feels the impact of his disorganisation, not you.

you need to make time for each other. Get someone to babysit, find a childminder and go to the cinema or bowling, dinner and games after DCs are in bed, something just for the two of you.

from experience when you’re in this pressure vacuum environment of work, kids, household stresses you tend to only notice the niggly things about each other - I’m sure he thinks similar things about stuff that you do. And then resentment builds up and it all blows up from time to time. You need to do things as just you and him to keep the flame going, otherwise you’re just co-parenting roommates and that gets annoying

I don’t need to read the comments to know loads of women will tell you how this is all your own fault! Even though you’re working and looking after the kids!

It sounds like you’re describing my OH to be honest and I feel exactly the same as you. The uselessness and outright inadequacy is such a turn off. I wish mine was would have an affair so I could get rid.

I'd be stressed leaving everything to the last minute. I need to make sure everything is done well in advance

It sounds like everyone is super stressed and your DH is making weird decisions. I wonder if he is sensing your frustration and doesn't want to do the wrong thing but doesn't know what that is so ends up dithering and driving you even more mad.

I agree with PP about asking him what his plan is for pickup. If you pick up mental load and end up resenting him he will just be baffled because he hasn't felt the pain and won't realise what you have actually done.

I don't know if this is any help or not but I keep effort levels low for birthdays now:

I have a box of generic birthday cards. Little kids don't care about cards they don't need special ones.
A short notice invitation like that would have been an Amazon gift card and a bag of sweets, ordered on the Thursday night.

You order a gift, cut out the picture and stick it in a card. Impromptu invite = impromptu gift

Hope your breast issue is sorted soon.

Well played PP, well played 👏🏿

Assuming no abuse cycle here, and assuming you still love him, I would have a proper conversation with him. Or put it in a letter. Whichever would land better with him. Lay it out like you have here- not the ick, but how hurt and cross you feel with the faffing and creating more work for you and leaving you feeling vulnerable and not listened-to. Use “When you xxx I feel yyy” as it’s less blame-y than “you make me…”

Then it’s on him to consider and respond, and for me a lot would hinge on his response.

I think you're so stressed by the worry of your breast that you're perhaps overreacting. Yes, he's being a twat, but isn't this standard for him? Get your boobs checked out and try not to let his incompetence wind you up.