Do you think step parents have a right to stay in children’s lives

[Twicexshy]

Name change for privacy as this aligns with a situation I’m personally close to. I just want to get people’s feelings on it. I know this is a very nuanced situation and opinions will be different depending on the individual situation so let’s start with this one. Feel free to weigh in with your own similar stories, criticisms etc.

A man I know, I’ll call him Lance, got in a relationship with a single mum to a very young child. The father to that child had never been on the scene and so Lance took on that role. The child grew up calling him Dad and even after Lance and the mother split he continued to co-parent. Having the child every weekend and up to a week at a time during school holidays. This was normal for some years and in total Lance was in this child’s life as “dad” for a decade. Adoption legally to give him parental responsibility was discussed but never finalised.

The mother decided she had enough of dealing with her ex and was herself moving on to start further family in a new relationship. Lance was now an inconvenience and he was cut off. No further contact.

He is obviously more than upset and feels his son doesn’t know why the contact stopped and will feel abandoned. He has been refused opportunity to say goodbye.

On one hand Lance should perhaps have secured adoption and legal standing before throwing himself in whole heartedly. It has been argued that without it he should have drawn back considerably when the split happened and not tried to assert himself as an equal co-parent. He maintains that he could never do that as he sees this child as his own flesh and blood.

Is this his own fault? Sad but expected? Did he overstep by getting so involved in the first place? Do you think this mother was absolutely in the wrong? Should she have kept stronger boundaries to begin with? Is it wrong for her to cut contact now given how far/long she has let this play out? Or is it her right as a mother to end this charade whenever she likes?

YABU - Step parents need to step off when they split
YANBU - Highly involved step parents who raised a child should have continued contact/some limited rights

Yup they don’t have a right. They were never married, but different if he had legally adopted the child. But how long were the stepdad and mother together? I think it was wrong to continue childcare after the relationship ended, seems like he was being used just to look after the child.

So the child is a tween now? What does the child want?

I think legally no right, but its a bit of a shame the mother doesn’t recognise the value of the continuity and a committed parental figure but it’s her prerogative. why does the mother think dealing with the ex is hard work? If they’re picking up the kid for a milkshake same time each fortnight then it shouldn’t be too burdensome? Or is lance using the kid as a way to learn about/stay involved in mums life, preventing a new relationship?

I think all lance can do is say I’m happy to continue to be involved in a structured way and keep the door open for if the child wants to reconnect in future on their own accord.

I dont think anyone has a right to be in a child's life, even biological parent if they are abusive, so the answer is it depends.

Sounds like this guy was a positive in the childs life so it seems unfair, on the face if it, that he is now excluded. But you possibly dont know the ins and outs.

Also, he could have applied for a Child Arrangements Order at any point to apply for PR, don't need adoption and didnt so perhaps the mother feels he wasnt serious about it.

Nope. When will some parents learn to stop "blending" different people in and out of children's lives. It's unbelievably selfish.

If he wanted the right to be permanently involved in the child’s life, he should have formalised the adoption.

I think, from the details given, that in this case it sounds like the son will be negatively affected by suddenly having the man he’s called dad for a decade completely cut out of his life. And if he was a good dad, I don’t think the child will view the mother’s decision favourably, now or in the future.

I think Lance should have got off his arse to sort this all out legally, a long time ago.

What does the child want? If they want to see dad then mum is out of order.
I think dad was silly not to make it legal. But given it was every wkend and for 10 years, I think mum is out of order without a conversation. If the kid has said they don't want contact them explain that and dad would just have to accept it as he is the adult who didn't take the necessary steps.

Has he been paying child maintenance?

I think every situation is different and ultimately it’s about what’s best for the child, not the adults. I think in this case where the step-father brought up the child from being a baby, where there is no relationship with the biological dad and where the child sees him as a father figure it would have been in the best interests of the child to continue to facilitate the relationship. Certainly for the mother to just decide out of the blue to refuse contact after a decade does not seem good for the child, although obviously we’re only hearing one side of the story and maybe the child said to his mother he didn’t want to see ‘Lance’ anymore or maybe he was causing issues for the mother. I wouldn’t want to co-parent with a difficult man, if he’s the biological father there may be no choice but if he was a step-parent then of course the mother can decide it’s not working if things aren’t running smoothly.

I think he was in major denial to think this arrangement would just continue.

i think the mum is in the wrong

Well I think you’re framing it the wrong way; I think the child should have the right to maintain a relationship that was so important to them.
How old was the child when mum stopped the contact?

Poor kid. And poor Lance.
I think it’s one of those situations where step parents can’t win: you are expected to behave as if the partners child is your child, and indeed, your family are too ( GP, aunts and uncles etc) but then if the relationship breaks down, you and the child have no right to see each other at all, which is horrible for all concerned.
The answer is either to formally adopt, or to get married, So that any children become a “ child of the family” , with legal rights and responsibilities. It doesn’t help Lance in this situation, or the child, who has lost not only Lance but all Lances family.

No, step parents do not have the right.

Someone should have advised Lance not to get so involved with a child he was not related to and was not intending to legally adopt.

I have to have sympathy for Lance here, inasmuch as the situation is described, but yeah, probably should have formally adopted. But feel sorry for the confused youngster too, whose 'dad' is no longer in his life.
A very good male friend of mine got into a relationship (a long time ago) with a single mum, the biological father was nowhere (ONS with some guy on holiday from abroad, he probably never even got to know she was pregnant) - anyway, the relationship flourished, they got married, my friend adopted the child, and brought him up as his son, but with knowledge that it wasn't biological.
I see all three of them regularly, the boy is now in his thirties and works as a chef, and my friend and his wife are enjoying a happy retirement.
Just hoping to show that sometimes this kind of thing works out happily 😊

Irrespective of Lances,s rights what about the child ?
If Lance has been "Dad " for ten years how is it fair on the child not to see him?

Mumsnet always insists on sc being treated as though they're part of a family, this should still be the case if the parent and step parent split up.

If you live with a child for 2 years or more you have the right to apply to court and ask the judge for permission to apply for a child arrangement order, giving you contact/visitation with the child.

I divorced an abusive narcissist
. Took me 4 years and to the detriment of both my mh and physical wellbeing to fight him in court to save my dc from him. Lance could be a cunt behind closed doors.

If that was the case why did the mum allow him to continue contact after they had split up?

It is a sad situation, the relationship with step children usually ends when the parent relationship ends.

There are situations when the DC is a teenager and will continue the relationship independently.

Sad for Lance.

It sounds as if Lance has been in the child's life since a baby/toddler years, and has been the only father-figure in his life, to the point he was calling him Dad. The Mother has willingly allowed contact with her son, but now because she's met someone else and wants to 'move on', suddenly Lance is no longer able to see the young lad. In this case, the Mother is being very selfish, thinking of what's best for her, rather than what's best for her son. Lance was a convenience to her, whilst single, he gave her a break when her son stayed with him. Now, she doesn't want Lance in her or her son's life because he's fulfilled his use, and having him in the picture is a nuisance to her and her new relationship. I'll be honest I didn't even know a step-parent could apply to the Court to continue contact with a child. I'm guessing that perhaps Lance didn't either, and assumed (wrongly), that his ex would just continue the self-arranged access, until the lad reached 18. All I can suggest is to seek legal advice, and see if there's something he can do. Otherwise, I don't think there's much he can do.

How old is the child now? From the timeline, it sounds like they're old enough to have a phone and be in touch with Lance by themselves, without needing to involve their mum?

My brother was in a similar position, but his "step" daughter was in her 20s when he split up with her mum. They planned to keep in contact but to be honest I'm not sure how much they actually have.

Do what is right for the child. Do not cut off contact.