Do you think step parents have a right to stay in children’s lives

[Twicexshy]

Name change for privacy as this aligns with a situation I’m personally close to. I just want to get people’s feelings on it. I know this is a very nuanced situation and opinions will be different depending on the individual situation so let’s start with this one. Feel free to weigh in with your own similar stories, criticisms etc.

A man I know, I’ll call him Lance, got in a relationship with a single mum to a very young child. The father to that child had never been on the scene and so Lance took on that role. The child grew up calling him Dad and even after Lance and the mother split he continued to co-parent. Having the child every weekend and up to a week at a time during school holidays. This was normal for some years and in total Lance was in this child’s life as “dad” for a decade. Adoption legally to give him parental responsibility was discussed but never finalised.

The mother decided she had enough of dealing with her ex and was herself moving on to start further family in a new relationship. Lance was now an inconvenience and he was cut off. No further contact.

He is obviously more than upset and feels his son doesn’t know why the contact stopped and will feel abandoned. He has been refused opportunity to say goodbye.

On one hand Lance should perhaps have secured adoption and legal standing before throwing himself in whole heartedly. It has been argued that without it he should have drawn back considerably when the split happened and not tried to assert himself as an equal co-parent. He maintains that he could never do that as he sees this child as his own flesh and blood.

Is this his own fault? Sad but expected? Did he overstep by getting so involved in the first place? Do you think this mother was absolutely in the wrong? Should she have kept stronger boundaries to begin with? Is it wrong for her to cut contact now given how far/long she has let this play out? Or is it her right as a mother to end this charade whenever she likes?

YABU - Step parents need to step off when they split
YANBU - Highly involved step parents who raised a child should have continued contact/some limited rights

Lots of really good thoughts here and genuinely agree with pretty much everything that’s been said!

The child involved is 13 and I agree that what is best for them should be paramount. I think the mum here absolutely used Lance for child care until it wasn’t convenient. What the child wants has not been up for debate. Post break up they did not always get on well but Lance was always a good influence who put in a lot of time and emotion. He helped this child develop considerably.

I also agree Lance completely dropped the ball, put his head in the sand and didn’t ensure his continued relationship with this child. He should have had agreements in writing. He knew this day could/would come and made no effort to safeguard the child from potential abandonment. I think he felt as things were working he didn’t want to rock the boat. It should have been obvious by that alone how vulnerable the set up actually was.

At the centre this kid deserves a lot more real consideration from everyone in their life. It’s not fair to them to have this turmoil and no real say at all.

I think, on a case by case scenario, it's about what is best for the child, not about a step-parent's rights.
Presumably, 'Lance' paid maintenance for his step-child after the split, as he saw the child as his son?! Because that's what a responsible father would do.

Sadly the number has been changed on moving in with the new partner. Lance doesn’t know the address and has no way to really get a message to the child. This is what is so upsetting I think, the abruptness with no explanation. Apparently the child is doing fine but it isn’t known what explanation they have been given for Lance’s disappearance.

For clarity they didn’t have a fight or disagreement.

The mum is massively in the wrong. She should not have let a relationship continue unless she was committed to it continuing through ups and downs.

She absolutely should allow a goodbye.

People really hate men on here don't they?! Given the amount of useless, thick as fuck fathers on here who don't give a shit about their own kids you'd think Lance would be praised for actually caring about a non biological child. But no, he's still called a cunt.

They can't win.

That's mumsnet ,even even when the mother is clearly in the wrong it's his fault.

Some of these replies are insane. It's not as simple as he should have "just" adopted the child or got a child arrangements order. He was entitled to believe the mother would put the child above her relationship and be devastated she didn't.

I have a step daughter from my ex husband. I had her with my ex husband 50 percent of the time from before she was 2. She still stays with me one night a fortnight with full support or her father (my ex husband) and her mother with whom I get on well. It is that way because she wants it to be. If there comes a point when she doesn't want it to be then it will change.

Mum is wholly in the wrong here to stop the child seeing someone who was an important part of their life.

It amazes me this. Parents want the stepparents to do XYZ for them and the children for years no questions asked and to treat the children as their own. And then when the relationship breaks down they want the stepparent to fuck off.

All this talk about “loving them like their own” might just come back to bite you when it doesn’t suit you anymore. You can’t have it both ways.

That is really sad.

Another child let down by their parents selfish and lazy decisions.

I absolutely love this. Good for you! What a beautiful thing for your SD to have bonus trusted adults in her life loving and supporting her, as well as parents who don’t put their own egos first.

It IS as simple as he should have applied for a Child Arrangements Order when the relationship broke down. It costs £350 on gov.uk to apply and it would have incolved a thorough investigation by the court and CAFCASS to assess his suitability and if all had been well he would have had a legal right to remain in the childs life. The fact he didnt do this suggests he wasnt as bothered as the OP is making out.

It is that simple. When the relationship broke down he had a choice, go to court or don't. Just like any other father.

On the Step parenting board a DSM said if she left she'd wouldn't bother with the DSC anymore, there was uproar, posts saying it made them cry, how could she be so cold and wicked. Lance is kind, he sees his DSS for years after he's left and he's been cut off completely, not even allowed a phone call and he's still getting a hard time on here.
A lot of men are rubbish, they deserve all the bad mouthing they get on here but shouldn't there be praise for the good guys too?

Lance couldn’t force this without the mothers ageeement so your anger at lance is unfounded

No, they absolutely don’t and shouldn’t have a legal right to keep in contact with their ex stepchildren. My husband isn’t the father to my older 2 but he is a wonderful father figure to them (their dad is an abusive cunt). If we ever split up he’d still be in my life as we have a child together but I hope he’d keep in contact with my other 2 and I believe he would, he loves them.

Ultimately, it’s an individual issue- people should do what is right for their own children.

Your situation is specific. Why would you possibly create this scenario regarding Lance when it’s not suggested and therefore not relevant.
you may as well suggest the child is disabled, the mother is a prostitute and Lance is trans.

What happens if you have a series of relationships that last over two years, do they all get to apply for contact?

You say all this as if people know all of this.

Maybe stop moving men into your children’s lives so regularly would answer that specific question.

Yep. He's the child's mother's ex boyfriend. For her to send her child off to an unrelated man's house was not appropriate, probably best that has stopped.
If the ex boyfriend wanted any rights over the woman's child he could have done so at any time over the years.

I knew nothing about this until January of this year when I became guardian to 2 young children through a bereavement. I quickly found out.

if people are motivated they find out what they need to know.

biological mother has caused an emotional imbalance place for her children.

its nor nice and will have emotional consequence on the kid

He didn’t even try.