Name change for privacy as this aligns with a situation I’m personally close to. I just want to get people’s feelings on it. I know this is a very nuanced situation and opinions will be different depending on the individual situation so let’s start with this one. Feel free to weigh in with your own similar stories, criticisms etc.
A man I know, I’ll call him Lance, got in a relationship with a single mum to a very young child. The father to that child had never been on the scene and so Lance took on that role. The child grew up calling him Dad and even after Lance and the mother split he continued to co-parent. Having the child every weekend and up to a week at a time during school holidays. This was normal for some years and in total Lance was in this child’s life as “dad” for a decade. Adoption legally to give him parental responsibility was discussed but never finalised.
The mother decided she had enough of dealing with her ex and was herself moving on to start further family in a new relationship. Lance was now an inconvenience and he was cut off. No further contact.
He is obviously more than upset and feels his son doesn’t know why the contact stopped and will feel abandoned. He has been refused opportunity to say goodbye.
On one hand Lance should perhaps have secured adoption and legal standing before throwing himself in whole heartedly. It has been argued that without it he should have drawn back considerably when the split happened and not tried to assert himself as an equal co-parent. He maintains that he could never do that as he sees this child as his own flesh and blood.
Is this his own fault? Sad but expected? Did he overstep by getting so involved in the first place? Do you think this mother was absolutely in the wrong? Should she have kept stronger boundaries to begin with? Is it wrong for her to cut contact now given how far/long she has let this play out? Or is it her right as a mother to end this charade whenever she likes?
YABU - Step parents need to step off when they split
YANBU - Highly involved step parents who raised a child should have continued contact/some limited rights