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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF's friends 'warning' him about me

54 replies

Shamed1719 · 06/07/2025 08:54

I feel embarrassed, shamed and don't think IABU but would be interested in hearing your POV's.

I grew up in a small town where everyone seems to know everyone else.

Regrettably, in my mid to late teens I had some meaningless ONS's / brief relationships. Not to excuse promiscuity but for context - I had a traumatic childhood and was looking for 'love' in the wrong places.

Fast forward to now I'm 34 and have connected with a nice man from my home town. Ironically, I've been celibate for years.

The problem is, when I was 16-18 I slept with two people he is friends with and one of them has 'warned him' to be careful with me because he doesn't want him to get hurt - I clearly have some reputation I wasn't aware of for sleeping around. I didn't even know my current guy back then.

It's making me second guess the relationship as they are quite close friends and he's always going to be about.

BF has been perfectly kind about it, insisted it doesn't change anything and told his friend he isn't interested in gossip, but I'm feeling shamed and humiliated.

What right (or sense) does he have judging me for deeds done when i was practically a kid? That he also did, I might add.

AIBU to think his friend is an absolute dick for doing that?

OP posts:
MuchTerraine · 06/07/2025 08:55

His friend is a twat

ignore OP

Maray1967 · 06/07/2025 08:56

Yes his friend is a dick for doing that - but I’m sure your BF can see that. He’s only made himself look very stupid

WhitstablePearl · 06/07/2025 08:56

So, they think it was OK for their reputations for them to sleep with you, but not for you to sleep with them?

Patriarchal bullshit attitudes

MrsEverest · 06/07/2025 08:57

You don’t need to ‘excuse’ anything. You did nothing wrong. Your boyfriend’s friend is a misogynist. What a shame for him and the women who have to deal with him.

fourelementary · 06/07/2025 08:57

I’ve said YANBU as you did nothing wrong and many people have a few ONS and it’s not a bad thing to do. However it’s also good he has friends looking out for him… so don’t judge him too harshly. Just speak to this new man about how things were for you when you were younger and how they are now. And be glad he has a decent friend. You can point out that it’s a bit misogynistic for the friend to judge you when he was literally the other person involved unless he sees himself as a slut too…

Misspotterer · 06/07/2025 08:58

I don't think there was any need for your 'bf' to tell you that. It was only ever going to make you feel bad.

Scooby2024 · 06/07/2025 08:58

I've found this a lot, it always seems to be the girl that is seen to look bad for ONS but guys get praised for them! Ignore the idiot xx

Smoothout · 06/07/2025 08:58

You all sound as though you’re in year 11

You are a 34 year old woman Op

own your past. It’s no biggie AT ALL and no one’s business aside from yours

Thingsthatgo · 06/07/2025 08:59

I don’t think you should have to excuse promiscuity, and the double standards around sex is appalling. There is absolutely no judgement here.
However, having said all that - I would find it difficult to get my head around my boyfriend having slept with my friends. I would find it a bit weird to hang out together I think.

Smoothout · 06/07/2025 08:59

BF has been perfectly kind about it,

weirdo for even mentioning it to you
weirdo for having a friend like this

MayIDestroyYou · 06/07/2025 09:09

Well I don’t know where in the world you are, @Shamed1719 - but as far as I’m aware, in the UK it’s legal for women over the age of consent to have as many sexual partners as they want. Across their entire lives. There is no shame or embarrassment attached to this - we don’t need to offer reasons or excuses, and we don’t need kindness or forgiveness afterwards.

So whatever the mores of your smal town - it’s probably time to let go of whatever negative feelings you have about your sexual history. Anyone, man or woman, who attempt to shame you because of it is a worthless dinosaur not worthy of your attention.

anytipswelcome · 06/07/2025 09:09

It wasn’t “perfectly kind” of him to tell you someone spoke about you that way, was it OP?

Wordsmithery · 06/07/2025 09:11

Friend is a twat. As for BF, I have to question his motives for telling you something that was only going to upset you. Was it so he could oh-so-generously be 'kind about it' and show what a great guy he is?

Don't let anybody judge you - they don't have the right. But most importantly, don't judge yourself. You've done nothing wrong.

Daleksatemyshed · 06/07/2025 09:11

Male double standards with the friend, you slept with a few guys so obviously you're a loose woman and you'll be unfaithful. Your BF sounds a much better man

Daffodilsarefading · 06/07/2025 09:12

The friend sounds like a right dick. I would laugh it off and say yeah we had a fling, it didn’t last and fizzled out almost as soon as it began. Nice to see Nick is still a misogynist prick though! Is he married by the way?
If the friend says anything to you I would make sure you talk about it in front of his wife/girlfriend, just so he knows you will dish out the crap too.

Lafufufu · 06/07/2025 09:13

The "friends" should be "warning" your BF about themselves in that case ...
Nice misogynistic double standards there...

What would have been "perfectly kind" is dealing with them himself and not even mentioning it to you.

tripleginandtonic · 06/07/2025 09:14

anytipswelcome · 06/07/2025 09:09

It wasn’t “perfectly kind” of him to tell you someone spoke about you that way, was it OP?

This.

PersephonePomegranate · 06/07/2025 09:20

WhitstablePearl · 06/07/2025 08:56

So, they think it was OK for their reputations for them to sleep with you, but not for you to sleep with them?

Patriarchal bullshit attitudes

This is so true.

Having some ONS isn't any reflection of your character (neither does being celebate, by the way). Gossiping and blatant double standards does though!

This was such a long time ago, is your bf's friend that same person he was as a young adult?

You've done nothing to be ashamed of! Your boyfriend sounds sensible. Don't let this sour things.

Original poster
Shamed1719 · 06/07/2025 09:22

The reason it came up was because we were chatting about past relationships. I initiated the conversation I just didn't think it would go in the trajectory that it did.

When I say relationships I was referring to long term committed relationships, not insignificant teenage bunk ups, but that's how it came up.

I do wish he hadn't said anything now.

Thank you - I wish everybody took as mature a view as posters here. I do agree it all sounds very "year 11"

OP posts:
ShoeeMcfee · 06/07/2025 09:24

Just to echo other PP, you have done zero wrong. I think your DP's mates would have heart attacks if they were to hear about my sexual exploits as a teen. I regret none of it! 😁

WaltzingWaters · 06/07/2025 09:27

WhitstablePearl · 06/07/2025 08:56

So, they think it was OK for their reputations for them to sleep with you, but not for you to sleep with them?

Patriarchal bullshit attitudes

Firstly, this!

You were young, presumably single, and able to do what you want. It was a long time ago. His friend is being a complete dick.

I had tonnes of ONS’s and casual relationships when I was young and single. I’m now in my 30’s, happily engaged with someone for 5 years, children, wouldn’t dream of cheating on my fiancé or wanting anything different! Because I’ve now met the one I want this life with!

Eastendboysandwestendgirls · 06/07/2025 09:29

Yanbu to sleep with whoever you want.
The friends anbu to tell their mate - if two of my friends had both slept with my new partner, I think I'd want to know that.

godmum56 · 06/07/2025 09:30

anytipswelcome · 06/07/2025 09:09

It wasn’t “perfectly kind” of him to tell you someone spoke about you that way, was it OP?

I'd want to know.

YellowGrey · 06/07/2025 09:31

I agree with @MayIDestroyYou - you need to stop feeling embarrassed or ashamed OP. You have done nothing wrong. Remember the phrase about how we can't control what people do but we can control how we react to it.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 06/07/2025 09:34

WhitstablePearl · 06/07/2025 08:56

So, they think it was OK for their reputations for them to sleep with you, but not for you to sleep with them?

Patriarchal bullshit attitudes

Quite!

Presumably if you ever meet any of their girlfriends you'll warn them off in a similar fashion and that would be acceptable?

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