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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF's friends 'warning' him about me

54 replies

Shamed1719 · 06/07/2025 08:54

I feel embarrassed, shamed and don't think IABU but would be interested in hearing your POV's.

I grew up in a small town where everyone seems to know everyone else.

Regrettably, in my mid to late teens I had some meaningless ONS's / brief relationships. Not to excuse promiscuity but for context - I had a traumatic childhood and was looking for 'love' in the wrong places.

Fast forward to now I'm 34 and have connected with a nice man from my home town. Ironically, I've been celibate for years.

The problem is, when I was 16-18 I slept with two people he is friends with and one of them has 'warned him' to be careful with me because he doesn't want him to get hurt - I clearly have some reputation I wasn't aware of for sleeping around. I didn't even know my current guy back then.

It's making me second guess the relationship as they are quite close friends and he's always going to be about.

BF has been perfectly kind about it, insisted it doesn't change anything and told his friend he isn't interested in gossip, but I'm feeling shamed and humiliated.

What right (or sense) does he have judging me for deeds done when i was practically a kid? That he also did, I might add.

AIBU to think his friend is an absolute dick for doing that?

OP posts:
Seventree · 06/07/2025 09:35

You don't need an excuse, you've done nothing wrong. It's your body and you are allowed to enjoy it however you want (obviously caveats excluded).

Smoothout · 06/07/2025 09:40

These relationships, small town mentalities where no one moves away and friendship groups sound like my worst nightmare!

Batbrown · 06/07/2025 09:44

Many older people have ONS, the most common age for people getting STIs are divorced people in their 40s, you would think they knew better. A bit stupid of people to blame it on something you only do when you’re young. Really, who cares.

Cucy · 06/07/2025 09:49

I do think it’s fine for them to warn him - I would probably do the same if it was my female friend.

But it was a long time ago and he and them should know that you’ve grown up since then (they may not have).

I would be questioning why your new bf decided to tell you this though.

If my friend told me about what my bf did when he was a teen, I’d be thanking her for looking out for me but telling her that that was years ago and that his past doesn’t bother me.
But I definitely would not then repeat this to my new bf.

MyQuirkyTraybake · 06/07/2025 09:57

This isn't about you or your bf, it's about his friend. He probably felt hurt and jilted and might even be jealous of your bf. Crack on.

Eagle2025 · 06/07/2025 10:01

Dont think you have anything to worry about. If a guy you were seeing had been sleeping around when younger and a friend mentioned it to you then I'm sure you would think - well ok that was when he was younger not an issue now.

PollyBell · 06/07/2025 10:06

Woman are told to warn others about men if they know something about them, so no I see no issue

Mushybut · 06/07/2025 14:53

PollyBell · 06/07/2025 10:06

Woman are told to warn others about men if they know something about them, so no I see no issue

What was the “warning”? @PollyBell

That someone had slept with a couple of the boyfriends friends when they were in their teens, almost 2 decades ago?

MounjaroMounjaro · 06/07/2025 15:40

So this friend... were you the only person he slept with in that year? If not, how come he's squeaky clean and says you're not? What was your partner up to in those teenage years? I would tell my partner to tell his friend to grow up.

Minglingpringle · 06/07/2025 15:41

Last time this guy knew you, you were an unhappy person. Worth a warning perhaps, but you and your other half are quite sensibly dismissing it as totally out of date.

If his warning was that you are a slapper, that’s totally hypocritical and very outdated and judgemental. Reflects badly on him.

AstonScrapingsNameChange · 13/08/2025 16:00

Eastendboysandwestendgirls · 06/07/2025 09:29

Yanbu to sleep with whoever you want.
The friends anbu to tell their mate - if two of my friends had both slept with my new partner, I think I'd want to know that.

Even if it was the best part of 20 years ago, before you and your partner had even met?

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 13/08/2025 16:31

Smoothout · 06/07/2025 08:59

BF has been perfectly kind about it,

weirdo for even mentioning it to you
weirdo for having a friend like this

Yes, the fact he told you, rather than just telling his 'friend' to shut up and mind his own business is a bit of a warning sign to me...

notatinydancer · 13/08/2025 16:35

Your BF shouldn’t have told you.

SomethingFun · 13/08/2025 16:44

How long have you been seeing him? I don’t think I’d be picking a partner who is mates with ons blokes from my younger years when there’s plenty of other men to choose from where there’s no baggage or drama. It’s all a bit incestuous for want of a better word.

AgentJohnson · 13/08/2025 16:52

Why are you feeling embarrassment and humiliated? Were you unkind or callous towards this friend of your BF? Your embarrassment and humiliation is feeding this weirdness. Fake giving zero F’s until you can make it.

pictoosh · 13/08/2025 16:59

His friends need to grow up now. They are not switched on or mature enough to understand that people don't remain forever 18. They live in the past. Very small, very silly.
Don't feel ashamed, just laugh instead.

Do think it's odd that your boyfriend told you this though. "My mates think you're a slag."
He needs to grow up too.

Icanttakethisanymore · 13/08/2025 17:03

Your BF really shouldn't have bought it up - do you know why he didn't keep quiet? You really have nothing to be ashamed of.

Fenellasbum · 13/08/2025 17:05

The weird thing is that this bloke was the other party to the shag. So he can’t exactly take the moral high ground!

AuntyDepressant · 13/08/2025 17:15

Great isn’t it? And I bet the men who were having sex not only with you but with you and half the village too were just being lads eh? It’s just the woman who gets the reputation though.

JohnTheRevelator · 13/08/2025 17:16

His friends sound lovely. 🙄

WonderingWanda · 13/08/2025 17:34

I guess the friend is either an old fashioned misogynist or is it possible in his teens he felt more for you than you were aware of and your ons triggered some sort of teen heartbreak for him? Either way he is coming across as incredibly immature to not realise that you've all moved on from your teenage selves.

JLou08 · 13/08/2025 17:41

The friend is awful and shouldn't have said anything.
You don't have to apologise for being promiscuous, consenting, single adults can do whatever they like.
I personally think I would struggle to be in a relationship with someone who's friends I had slept with and visa versa. If your BF is telling you what his friend said could he actually be bothered by it? If he is I'd be careful with him, that could be something that leads to some jealousy or is thrown in your face during an argument.

Laura95167 · 13/08/2025 17:45

You dont need to excuse anything. Even if youd had a great childhood,women are allowed to like casual sex as much as men. And as long as everyone's is safe and consenting theres nothing wrong with it.

I wouldnt worry too much. I dont think its terrible for DPs friend to say btw she used to only be in casual relationships and I dont want to see you get hurt. As long as he now let's it go once DP has confirmed he knows all he needs to.

DP sounds keen and reasonable. Hope it goes well

DiscoBob · 13/08/2025 17:52

His 'friend' is jealous, and probably just wanted a pathetic excuse to boast about someone he slept with as a teen. How do you know the friend said this? Why would your bloke listen to him or feel the need to repeat it to you?

Btw there's nothing unsavoury about promiscuity so you don't need to excuse yourself or say you don't condone it. There's nothing wrong with consensual sex.

If your fella thinks you're some kind of tainted harlot because of a single drunk teenage fumble, he doesn't deserve a partner.

Americano75 · 13/08/2025 17:55

He really shouldn't have told you, how else could it possibly make you feel. That's not 'kind' and I'd be wondering about him.