Boyfriend and Close friend planning trip without me

[BecauseThatsHowYouGetAnts]

I really need some outsider views before I start telling my friend how I feel and possibly making things difficult between us. My friend that is, not my boyfriend.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 14 years, have 2 young children (1 and 3), live in a house we bought together. We aren't good at all. He openly doesn't love me anymore and says it'll never come back. We live well together, parent well together and have a good time most of the time. We have sex sometimes out of need, for both of us. It's complicated and hard. If it wasn't for children we probably wouldn't still be together. We tried couples counselling but couldn't afford it for long and aren't any better off.
My friend (male, gay) ive known since college in 2013 when I was 21 and we are very good close friends. Our friendship group has gotten smaller and broken up and has become a bit distant with others but its still a small close group. Even if we don't meet as much as we used to. However I still meet up with him and talk often.
My boyfriend and my friend became friend in lockdown due to playing call of duty together daily. Now they are friends and play often, I also play with them and its all good fun. They talk outside of games and my boyfriend has been part of our group since 2020. Now my close friend knows how me and my boyfriend are, how difficult it is between us. That we have 2 young DC and not many people around apart from bfs older but very active parents to do childcare when needed. I came upstairs one night to my boyfriend and friend planning a trip to Amsterdam. Somewhere me and boyfriend in the past wanted to go back to. This trip didnt include me and they just assumed I would stay home with the kids.
I feel very left out and think its unfair to assume I wouldn't want to go. I feel upset my friend would want this and plan this with my boyfriend. They keep talking without me about how im being unreasonable and should be okay with it. That I am being controlling. This again hurts and makes me feel crappy that my boyfriend talks to my friend about me and how im being. Basically AIBU to feel upset and say to my friend that I would be upset if they planned this trip and didnt include me. That I don't feel we can just ask his parents to take our 2 young children so we can gallivant to Amsterdam for a couple of nights, and because I think that, that then they will just go without me.
What shall I say? If anything? They are now planning on going in August when I have booked time off work to stay in Kent with family for 6 days or so. This way im not around when they go. I did want my boyfriend to come with me for a bit in Kent but he doesn't want to. (I stay with my parents).

I'm really sorry girl but your boyfriend is gay and doesn't want to make himself into a villain by telling you, so is hoping you'll get the hint

He and this male friend are sleeping together imo. Its time to leave and cut off this friend from your personal life xx

That isn't very friendly of your friend.

I wouldn't call him your boyfriend when he says he doesn't love you and never will. Imo you are focusing on the wrong thing.
Why are you still with him? Why do you not realise this is wrong on so many levels.
Agree, its not nice of your friend and I would be having an open and honest conversation with him. But honestly, you need to end this relationship and both of you move on.
Your self esteem must be shot to shreds, you deserve better than this treatment.

You friend cares more about his new friend and having fun with him than his loyalty and support for you. The man you live with is a barrier between you and a better life where you're free to find someone who cares for you. I'd move on from them both.

Ditch them both.
Your friend is NOT your friend.
Your boyfriend doesn’t want you anymore.
This situation will eventually destroy you.

Haha, there is no sex going on between the boys. Normally we are all very open and honest and are just good friends. You can be friends without having sex with gay and hetero people. My friend is open with us about his ventures with boys and I know 100% its not like that. They are friends who like games and other things.
It's easier to say boyfriend than childrens dad and person I live with and occasionally have sex with. We have talked lots and both enjoy being a family. We would hate to break up the family. Yes I would love to have someone who loves me but also I love being a family. It's like I said, difficult.
The way they see it, my friend wants to go Amsterdam and so does my boyfriend so they are planning a trip. Why should I stop them, they are just two friends who want to go and do something. My boyfriend doesnt care. But I expected my friend to. Any advice on how to approach?

He's not really your boyfriend, you've said he has told you he doesn't love you, never will again and if it wasn't for the kids you'd not be together at all and only have sex sometimes out of sexual need.

He's become good friends with your male friend, I don't think that necessarily means he's gay, a male has become friends with another male. Even if he was, he's told you that he's not in love with you.

The real problem here is your boyfriend has made plans expecting you to watch the kids, without even asking if you were ok with it. They're his children too so it's on him to make sure they're looked after, not your friend.

Book something for you with one of your other friends or family and he can look after the kids then. Or even with the friend your boyfriend is going to Amsterdam with. I really don't think the friend has done anything wrong if they've also been good friends for 5 years and he knows you're not really in a relationship, just live together and get on as friends.

But your friend doesn’t care about you does he?
A true friend would think of your feelings first, and wouldn’t dream of planning a trip without you, knowing it will upset you.
And I don’t believe they are sleeping together, but surely your friend’s loyalty should be to you primarily?

looks like you’ve been wendied OP 😳

Sorry, just seen your update after I posted!

I think I would approach it by simply mentioning to your friend that you felt a bit hurt not being included and see what he says. He probably just sees you both as his friends and didn't think it would be an issue. If my friend said I'd inadvertently hurt their feelings I would be very apologetic because no one wants to upset their friends!

But I'm sorry, I still don't see an issue with them wanting to go away (if kids Dad had bothered asking if you were ok to solo parent!)

Think you should arrange a separate trip x

Why are you staying?

It sounds like your friend values his relationship with your boyfriend more than his relationship with you. They both sound pretty nasty, talking about you being controlling and unreasonable. Your boyfriend obviously feels like he can do what he likes and you'll just get on with looking after the kids.

Your relationship sounds pretty sad to be honest - if I were you I'd be ending it and moving to a co-parenting relationship and living separately. That way you will be free to persue a healthy relationship with someone who does actually love you. You deserve to be happy and you won't be if you carry on like this.

You're at your parents, why shouldn't they go on a trip rather than your ex bf pretending sobething that's not true in front of them. If you'd have wanted to go then the offer was made to ask his parents to have them but you said no to that. So yes I do think you're being controlling OP. And I think this pretend relationship needs to end, it's not healthy. Try to arrange yoyr own time away, your ex owes you that.

Is it possible your friend would organise this trip as a surprise? Then at the last minute pull out and look after your kids while your bf and you go on a getaway to get reacquainted in the city of love?

What’s the point in the post.

you’re happy in a shambles so let them go and it be another kick in your teeth. You want to stay and be a door mat you stay and be a door mat. “ love being a family” he doesn’t he disrespects you daily.

Friendships change. Your gay friend now prefers your boyfriend by the sounds of it?

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing too. Your boyfriend probably has the best of both worlds, he’s been open with you about how he feels, you probably do the bulk of looking after the children, cleaning etc. He gets to keep all his money for trips and gaming.
(Who is paying for this trip and what’s on the itinerary?!)
If you are all ‘friends’ why wouldn’t you be invited on the trip.
You are being used and the children are thrown into the mix, they’ll eventually pick up on this.

You say that you are a family but you and the children are going to Kent alone and I can guarantee that situations like this will increase- where you and the children do one thing and he does another.
When do you both plan to end this situation? When the children are 18? How is it going to pan out.

You are wasting your life imo- your boyfriend is living his.

You should stop having sex with him.

OP you're about the same age as me from your posts, early 30s?
You are so young and theres so much life out there you're missing out on for this clown. And this friend isn't your friend. Friends don't allow friends to be humiliated by going off on holidays with their partners and leaving them at home.
Your partner has the best of both worlds hasn't he? A friend to do gaming and go off on holidays with, and there's a woman he said he doesn't even love who's there to run his house, look after his kids and even have sex with him when he fancies.
Take a good look around you at whats happening and ask yourself if this is what you really want.

Your friend could've invited you but he chose his other friend instead which has to tell you that he would prefer to go to Amsterdam with your co-parent. Hopefully there will be other things he will prefer to do with you and leave CP out. You need to ask him if this is the case or if you are now redundant.

I can see why he didn't invite both of you. Although you amicable your friend might prefer to see you individually given your situation. That might be a bit judgemental, but his choice. It's quite common for friends to pick a side when couples break up.

This whole situation is just immensely sad and it's going to completely flatten whatever self-esteem you might have left. I think you need to look forwards, to the future, way way beyond this trip to Amsterdam. I know you're imagining a life where you and the DP reconcile but it sounds like that is unlikely. So what is the next option? You and the kids living nearer your parents and getting support from them while you lead an independent life? Something has to change here and it's not about holidays.

The only advice you need is to end this relationship for good.

You are wasting your life her OP. If you are early 30s this I terrible. Neither of them care about you.its not the 50s any more where women were looked down on for getting divorced. You can still have days out as a family. You are very young. Get out now .RL is toxic .

Oh OP, please don't bring your children up in this environment. You are not modelling good relationships for them. It's easier to leave now while they are young and don't know any different.

Use your trip to family to plan how you will move out and move on.

Accept you've lost this "friend" and rally other real friends around you.

If you were being honest with yourself In your second two paragraphs, I don't think you'd need to approach anything with your friend. You're totally cool and happy with being FWB with the man who no longer loves you. You love being a family. You don't think you've any rights over either man's time...so what exactly is your friend doing wrong here, other than going away with a friend who isn't you? I'm sure you go places with friends who aren't him. The only reason to be upset here is if you think your friend is doing you wrong by going on holiday with someone who you think is being a dick to you and making you unhappy. And if that's the case, while you're pretending to be happy with it, that really isn't your friends fault.

They think you don’t want to go because, according to you, you are all friends. You are all therefore free agents. Your “boyfriend” is not your partner so it makes sense for you both to go on holidays separately - makes childcare easy.

You are still having sex with him, though, and seem to be totally enmeshed. Until you can accept that you have properly split up, and act accordingly, you will continue to feel like second best to everyone else.

The father of your children clearly doesn’t give a shit about you or your feelings and your friend is more concerned about having fun in Amsterdam with him than he is about protecting your feelings. Neither of them consider you to be of any real importance in the grand scheme of things.

You are wasting your life and you’re teaching your children that this is what a relationship is supposed to look like. Don’t you want to be happy and in a loving relationship?