Boyfriend and Close friend planning trip without me

[BecauseThatsHowYouGetAnts]

I really need some outsider views before I start telling my friend how I feel and possibly making things difficult between us. My friend that is, not my boyfriend.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 14 years, have 2 young children (1 and 3), live in a house we bought together. We aren't good at all. He openly doesn't love me anymore and says it'll never come back. We live well together, parent well together and have a good time most of the time. We have sex sometimes out of need, for both of us. It's complicated and hard. If it wasn't for children we probably wouldn't still be together. We tried couples counselling but couldn't afford it for long and aren't any better off.
My friend (male, gay) ive known since college in 2013 when I was 21 and we are very good close friends. Our friendship group has gotten smaller and broken up and has become a bit distant with others but its still a small close group. Even if we don't meet as much as we used to. However I still meet up with him and talk often.
My boyfriend and my friend became friend in lockdown due to playing call of duty together daily. Now they are friends and play often, I also play with them and its all good fun. They talk outside of games and my boyfriend has been part of our group since 2020. Now my close friend knows how me and my boyfriend are, how difficult it is between us. That we have 2 young DC and not many people around apart from bfs older but very active parents to do childcare when needed. I came upstairs one night to my boyfriend and friend planning a trip to Amsterdam. Somewhere me and boyfriend in the past wanted to go back to. This trip didnt include me and they just assumed I would stay home with the kids.
I feel very left out and think its unfair to assume I wouldn't want to go. I feel upset my friend would want this and plan this with my boyfriend. They keep talking without me about how im being unreasonable and should be okay with it. That I am being controlling. This again hurts and makes me feel crappy that my boyfriend talks to my friend about me and how im being. Basically AIBU to feel upset and say to my friend that I would be upset if they planned this trip and didnt include me. That I don't feel we can just ask his parents to take our 2 young children so we can gallivant to Amsterdam for a couple of nights, and because I think that, that then they will just go without me.
What shall I say? If anything? They are now planning on going in August when I have booked time off work to stay in Kent with family for 6 days or so. This way im not around when they go. I did want my boyfriend to come with me for a bit in Kent but he doesn't want to. (I stay with my parents).

Your 'boyfriend' is not your boyfriend.
Yoyr 'friend' is not your friend.

I have no idea why you want a relationship with either of them.

They are pulling the wool over your eyes.

Raise your standards. You’re not bringing your children up in a healthy family relationship. You all deserve better.

Get a full STI screening op

So much going on here !

So would you be comfortable leaving the children if you were invited ?

Tbh i don't think there's really anything wrong with them going on this trip. They have been friends for a fair bit of time now. Perhaps you can arrange a trip with your friend as well?

Also, just from what you've said, your situation with regards leaving your boy friend doesn't sound the worst. You actually would have money to buy a house which is usually the thing that keeps women in unhappy relationships stuck.

How long has it been going on that your bf doesn't love you? If you only had a baby last year was it after that ? Do you love him and are you hoping it will work out ?

Methinks you doth protest too much

I'm afraid the talking loads and wanting to be a "family" without a real realtionship does strongly suggest he's gay..

Er....anyone with a gay friend?

What's the 'hmmm' intended to convey, kitten?

Neither BF, or friend, have any prime allegiances or loyalty to you. Think carefully. What do each get from keeping you in the relationships? What do you get? Is it enough for you..?

You will have options. They won't necessarily be easy ones, but there are options. Sometimes the trade-off in taking the apparently easier route turns out to be a poor investment of your efforts, love, life.

Op, the short version is that you have put yourself in this situation and really only have yourself to blame.

You have stayed in a relationship with a man who tells you he doesn't love and and never will.

He is probably loving his set up right now. He has someone at home who and I am making assumptions here but most likely does a lot of the jobs in the house. He gets sex and he can go out and plan boys trips away and if he sleeps with someone else well thats fine because hes told you he doesn't love you.

I know you said that you like being a family but all you are doing is delaying the inevitable and reducing the chances of you ever being happy. If you end it properly now you have more of your life to find someone you really want to be with. If you carry on dragging it out you will be stuck in limbo, not find anyone else and one day when it does finally end realise you wasted X number of years that you could have been happy!

Any straight men who aren't homophobic... I have been away as a pair with my best mate multiple times from the age of 16 to last year (30s). He is not gay but if her were that would change absolutely nothing and I would still happily go away with him.

The fact someone is gay doesn't instantly mean they want to fuck you....

It sounds like your BF is simply a friend with some shared responsibilities and that makes things very different to a couple that are fully navigating life together. As hard as it is OP I think you need to accept that he can do his own thing

So which part of this is where you love being a family? The part where he fucks off on holiday because he can leave you with the kids? I think you should separate, as that’s your only chance to be a real family and might make gamer boy take some actual responsibility.

You have drifted apart because it’s a shitty way for him to treat a friend. You can’t trust him ti have your back op.
can you work more? You need to earn more to be able to escape this set up.

You would get maintenance if you were separate and you could aldo increase your earnings...
Sell the house ..move on with your life.... Its passing you by and a really poor environment for your dc...

I cant work more at the moment. Our little girl isn't in nursery until September but even then we will start paying for nursery for 2 kids if I was to work more and then there's no gain in income. I would have to work full time to have enough to do a shared ownership government thing for a house. I don't know how to juggle that with childcare. Especially at the start. While I have nowhere to live. And only his parents close by for any help.

Op, will working more build up your career? So you have a lot more suddenly when they go to school? I think you need to invest in yourself a bit more to build a future- this man won’t be it.

OP this sounds like such a hard situation to be in. 💐I think most of us reading have the same thought - the problem isn't your friend, or the trip. It's the situation you're in, as unpleasant as it is.

It feels a little from your updates that your head is in the sand about how precarious it is. He has openly admitted to not loving you, you're financially dependent on him, and you have young children.

I would very much concentrate on building an emergency fund, and planning a way out of this. This sounds like it is going to implode, and frankly I wouldn't be aggravating the situation by confronting anyone until you're in a strong position to leave / or be left.

While appreciate gay friend was your friend first, he has become your BF friend too.
I have met new people through friends, and their friends have become my friends, I have become friends with my best friends other friend… we have a group chat and the 3 of us meet up… but we do also meet up in pairs occasionally, and have been away in pairs.
I personally don’t see an issue with your bf & friend going away together, they are 2 friends having a holiday together. Your BF should really be checking you’re ok to have the children on your own though…. But I guess if you had split properly he would just do as he pleases and cancel his visitation like a lot of other parents seem to…
I think you should plan your trip to Kent with the children and wave him off on his holiday with your mutual friend…. Tell him though that you’ll be booking to go away without the children at some point and expect him to accommodate that by having the children!

' I did want my boyfriend to come with me for a bit in Kent but he doesn't want to. (I stay with my parents).'

Why on earth would you want that ?

' We aren't good at all. He openly doesn't love me anymore and says it'll never come back. '

That would be a total sham if he went with you.

It's time to put the house on the market and split up.

As for you going to Amsterdam with them, forget it. it won't work.

Op & her ex aren’t together. Her gay friend is also her ex’s friend…. Why can’t two friends go on holiday without the other friend?
Id imagine ex was saying ‘oh @BecauseThatsHowYouGetAnts is going to Kent for a week and I don’t want to go’… and gay friend said ‘OMG while she’s in Kent with kids visiting family, let’s us 2 go away… ‘

Agree. That was my very first thought.