Boyfriend and Close friend planning trip without me

[BecauseThatsHowYouGetAnts]

I really need some outsider views before I start telling my friend how I feel and possibly making things difficult between us. My friend that is, not my boyfriend.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 14 years, have 2 young children (1 and 3), live in a house we bought together. We aren't good at all. He openly doesn't love me anymore and says it'll never come back. We live well together, parent well together and have a good time most of the time. We have sex sometimes out of need, for both of us. It's complicated and hard. If it wasn't for children we probably wouldn't still be together. We tried couples counselling but couldn't afford it for long and aren't any better off.
My friend (male, gay) ive known since college in 2013 when I was 21 and we are very good close friends. Our friendship group has gotten smaller and broken up and has become a bit distant with others but its still a small close group. Even if we don't meet as much as we used to. However I still meet up with him and talk often.
My boyfriend and my friend became friend in lockdown due to playing call of duty together daily. Now they are friends and play often, I also play with them and its all good fun. They talk outside of games and my boyfriend has been part of our group since 2020. Now my close friend knows how me and my boyfriend are, how difficult it is between us. That we have 2 young DC and not many people around apart from bfs older but very active parents to do childcare when needed. I came upstairs one night to my boyfriend and friend planning a trip to Amsterdam. Somewhere me and boyfriend in the past wanted to go back to. This trip didnt include me and they just assumed I would stay home with the kids.
I feel very left out and think its unfair to assume I wouldn't want to go. I feel upset my friend would want this and plan this with my boyfriend. They keep talking without me about how im being unreasonable and should be okay with it. That I am being controlling. This again hurts and makes me feel crappy that my boyfriend talks to my friend about me and how im being. Basically AIBU to feel upset and say to my friend that I would be upset if they planned this trip and didnt include me. That I don't feel we can just ask his parents to take our 2 young children so we can gallivant to Amsterdam for a couple of nights, and because I think that, that then they will just go without me.
What shall I say? If anything? They are now planning on going in August when I have booked time off work to stay in Kent with family for 6 days or so. This way im not around when they go. I did want my boyfriend to come with me for a bit in Kent but he doesn't want to. (I stay with my parents).

OP your dp is being cruel especially as he doesn’t love you anymore (stop sleeping with him) and your friend is actually a frenemy.

Can you buy out dp’s share of the home or sell it and get somewhere for you and the dc?

I think you need to accept two fundamental things that you seem to be in denial about:

1. He's not your boyfriend anymore.
2. The other guy's not your friend anymore.

Time to start actually separating your lives instead of living in this weird limbo that you're in now. It's not good for you or your mental health to live like that. If you were properly separated things like going on separate holidays wouldn't be such a weird and awkward grey area.

Your boyfriend doesn't give a toss about you

Your gay male friend appears to prefer your boyfriends company than yours and prefers to go away with him rather than you

Neither of them want you around in any meaningful way

Wtf are you doing with your life?

You say you like it being a family which is why you keep this arrangement going. But this isn't a functional family. It's a pseudo family that is causing you stress and preventing you moving on and finding a proper partner. You say you feel marginalised by them, that's because you are. You are not a priority which you would be if it was a functional relationship. Even saying it's easier to call him your boyfriend than father of your child shows the level of denial. It really isn't. You are only going to be continually hurt if you keep this going. Your choice, of course, but you really should make the break.

@BecauseThatsHowYouGetAnts you think he is your boyfriend as you sleep together (it’s just a release )
He doesn’t love you . You aren’t good why would you plan a holiday with him .The sooner you change your mentality on it all and stop sleeping with him the sooner you can move on.
I don’t trust either of them .
Can you get your boyfriend to move out ?

This is such a miserable situation for you OP. Would you consider separating but still living together - with boundaries about bringing partners home etc and ensuring family time? Unfortunately, your boyfriend is not your boyfriend anymore - it’s a situationship. You’re better off getting everything ironed out so that you can move on with your life and find someone else (if you choose to). Your friend is horrible and is no friend. I’d send a message saying how cruel he’s being and cut contact.

Hes not your BF. He doesnt love you, i dont think living with him is a good idea if there's an alternative and defo dont have sex with him (like the song says - if youre under him, you ain't getting over him)

Also your friend, who you've drifted away from is now his friend not yours.

All this talk about upset they're planning this without you.. why would he plan it with you when all you are is a coparent he occasionally has sex with?

I think you need to have an honest chat with you STBxP, because youre either together working on this or youre over but atm youre too much and not enough and hes getting all the perks as far as I can see

You are making bad choice after bad choice. End the relationship properly. Move on.

Don’t approach it. Let them go. Your friend is your husbands friend. Not yours. You are not in a relationship and he wants time away from you. Do the same. Have a holiday with a friend when they are back. He can have the kids. Then really think about co-parenting separately. You are throwing your life away. You can be a family apart. You will find someone that will want to be with you but not if you stay in this mess.

OP, do you love your children’s father? If so- this set up isn’t healthy for you. If you’re both as romantically indifferent to each other but want to remain a family unit then fine, unconventional but whatever.

your friend is no longer your primary friend, their friendship is stronger. shit but true….

there’s also a 50% chance that they are infact, pushing the boundaries because your children’s father is curious/and or already shagging your mate. I’m sorry.

Youre expecting more from a friend than your "childrens dad, you sometimes have sex with"?

You could be coparents in the same home or nearby but you're still having sex with him. Youre blurring the lines.

The fact you think a friend who's drifted away from you and is close to your BF owes you something and your partner doesn't says what this is like. If you keep this going he'll stay comfy where he is til he meets your replacement and in the meantime while I dont think hes gay I do think he may be having sex with other people

Also if hes not your bf but just your coparent occasional shag then the only thing you can reasonably broach is - why did you plan this without considering who will care for the kids? Irrespective of if you and him are together who's looking after his share of childcare while hes gone because if he thinks it should be you he should have asked.

Your friend is free to ask his friends to do what he likes with them

Your friend is a snake.

Not sure if there's anything more than friendship going on but at the very least it's disloyal and selfish to plan a trip with your ex and exclude you.

Get rid of both of them. And for goodness sake do not get pregnant again if your still sleeping with your ex.

I think 95% of people would have made a clean split in your situation, in which case you wouldn't have seen the planning stage of the trip so much and probably would not have felt so hurt. Your bf has got it easy imo and although it seems easier for you and your family it will only get harder and more confusing for both you and your children.

You deserve better than living with someone who has openly said that they don't love you and won't again but still have sex with you from time to time ..Yu also deserve a better friend He;s he's not considering your feelings and replaced you as a friend with your ex partner.
Families come in all shapes and sizes and you can Co parent without living in this dysfunctional set up altogether. Think about what would make you happy And whether it's going to happen. Your ex partner has been 'honest 'about his feelings But gets the best of both worlds No strings sex and no change to the things that he wants to do. He is clearly not willing to be family in terms of doing things with you that you want.

Sweetpea, neither one of those guys are your friend. I know it might seem like they should be, but they are not. You need actual friends of your own.

Join a mom's group. Take classes, dance classes, something fun, go do something somewhere several nights a week that is fun and leave the children with their father. You have live-in childcare! What are you doing sitting around at home? That's crazy.

Stop playing stupid couch games with men who are completely ambivalent about you and definitely stop having sex with one of them because you're bored. Go find someone better to have sex with. Be safe.

Speaking of safe, once father-of-your-children returns from Amsterdam, he will absolutely be unclean, pretty much forever. No kissing him, and no kissing your children. YUCK. He has to be tested and tested again, and again, and again over time because some of the STDs are sleepers. It's not just STDs. Sex workers work with the public. The public in general is gross and unsanitary. Touching anything the public might have been touching while watching or engaged with a sex worker will be suspect. The worker is probably clean, but the surroundings, not so much. They are going to Amsterdam. For tulips? You are missing the real ick here.

You need to end the non existent relationship. It sounds desperately lonely.

I also agee that your gay best friend prefers your boyfriend to you - he's the one he'd prefer to spend time with and go on holiday with. It sounds very sad, but start looking at moving out and making a new life for yourself.

You can't spend the next 20 years like this for the sake of the children, fgs.

Bizarre stereotype of Amsterdam. It’s actually a beautiful city with so much to offer. It’s not dirty and you’re certainly not going to catch STDs from a public bench ffs.

Have you even been?

This is a very weird OTT paranoid germaphobic post. You're being absolutely ridiculous.

You know, we have sex workers and 'the public' in the UK too. Are you fumigating yourself and your family in an airlock before you allow yourselves inside the house, considering how 'the public' are so gross, unsanitary, ick and may have engaged with or looked at a sex worker?!

I do hope you're not hugging or kissing your kids, as you .might have unwittingly looked at a sex worker while outside with the gross public. Don't risk it, they'll probably instantly develop gonorrhea!

Two men going without letting her go. Not dissing Amsterdam which is indeed a gorgeous place, what I did was ascribe the intent of activities of two young men who do not want to travel to Amsterdam with a woman.

I think you need to come back down to reality. He’s not your boyfriend and the other one is just a friend.

They are friends with each other so can plan a trip and not invite you if they want. Maybe your non-boyfriend wants a break from you?

You’re taking the kids to see your family anyway and he wasn’t going with you.

I would wish them happy holidays and then plan a trip of your own with your friend.

You BF can return the favour and let you go some too.

1. He is not your boyfriend. You can’t be in a one way relationship.
2. your boyfriend is probably gay
3. why don’t you stop sleeping together and attempt to put some boundaries in place.
4. your children are going up in dysfunction which is not healthy.

They are going to Amsterdam to smoke and eat edibles. Its what we did when we went. Hes the type of guy to find the sex worker bit strange and fascinating but thats it.
My friend is one of my closest friends who I see the most regularly. We havnt drifted apart. That's what hurts. And the fact that im being discussed about how im being about it behind my back by them. I don't think hes doing it in a slagging off way. It's probably mainly my partner saying it and the friend is caught in the middle.
My plan is to let him know ill be a bit hurt that he didnt want me to go and how planning it with my partner without thinking about how that would make me feel also hurt my feelings. Also it is about fomo.
I cant easily split with my partner. I have no where close to live or any family close by to help. Hes got a lot of money from recent inheritance plus from working full time and ive got nothing and only work 2 days a week. If we did sell the house I would have money from that but wouldn't be able to buy a house myself but also would recieve no financial help from the state for a place to live while kids are young. So I would have to spunk my hard earned money I have invested in buying a house. I wouldn't want to be dating rn with having a baby last year, still breastfeeding and having two young kids. It all sounds so easy but it's not in real life.

Youre right that sounds hard. But this is going to get no better if you keep having sex with your BF/partner/baby's dad/situationship. If you aren't together becuase he "doesnt love you" why would you be included in a trip with his friend, irrespective that his friend is your friend.

But if you dont do anything about this situation, you will end up in the scenario you describe when he meets someone he could fall for. Youre better off planning your exit than hoping the occasion sex will hold the status quo. Hes already planning trips without including you, hes acting like a single man. The issue is your relationship not his trip.

I think focusing your feelings on the fact your friend didn't suggest you going too is massively kidding yourself.

How many straight men would go away as a pair with a gay man.

In a larger group, yes but as a couple….. hmmmm.