To think he should offer to pay for me to go on the holiday

[GoInTheDaxrk]

I’ve never been on holiday, literally never. Grew up in a poor family and couldn’t even afford caravan holidays. Then in my teens and early 20s never had any friends to go away with (I have autism so never made deep friendships). Closest thing I’ve had to a holiday was a long weekend in Newcastle for a wedding.

I’m absolutely desperate to go abroad but have never managed. Every time I save a bit up, the car conks out, or I’ve had to lend money to my sibling who is a single parent and living on the breadline (bailiffs at door etc amongst other emergencies). I know that’s on me and not anyone else’s problem but it gets me down. I had South of France booked with a cousin for July 2020 but you all know what happened then, and then after lockdown lifted she went away without me and didn’t invite me again.

Anyway, been with boyfriend now for 2 years. We haven’t moved in together yet but planning by end of year. We’ve had a spa break together for one night and I adored it and he knows how much I’d like to go abroad and we’ve got tentative future plans once our financial situation settles, but if my luck continues as it has been a holiday won’t be on cards for a while. I’m in a minimum wage job and with my autism and executive functioning difficulties that go along with it, I would struggle in a job paying much more than minimum wage as I can’t cope with too much pressure, so I can’t rely on my pay ever increasing.

Partner’s family have a yearly trip to Rhodes, Greece. His brother’s both bring their long-term partners who they have kids with. I wasn’t invited last year, but didn’t mind as we hadn’t been together that long. They’ve now booked it again for August this year (it has to be August because nieces and nephews in school). Partners parents have paid for him, as they always do. I was invited too. I was so excited and grateful to be invited, and checked the cost as I of course didn’t expect DP parent’s to pay for me too. They are quite well-off and like an upmarket hotel, think a swim-up room, al a carte menu every night etc so it’s a pricey hotel. I would be £1100 to add me on an all-inclusive package in the hotel they are at, and not much less for half-board. I cannot afford it. Physically don’t have the money and can’t get credit nor would I want to. I spoke with my partner about this sort of expecting him to offer to pay. I’ve never asked for anything from him but thought he’d really want me to come but he just wasn’t arsed and shrugged his shoulders saying maybe next time and joked that I’ll enjoy the break from him. What really hurt me is when he suggested I get an AirBandB near their hotel and can self-cater to save money but meet up with them. That enraged me to be honest. I would feel like riff-raff, hanging around outside trying to see them and yet not allowed into their ‘exclusive’ resort. I told him as such, told him it was a vile thing to suggest and he fell out with me.

I know he can afford it, he is buying an £18,000 car outright soon and has more money put away. I just feel so hurt and rejected. I know it’s cheeky for me to expect him to pay but it just feels like I’m not important to him. I love his family and it would’ve made my year to be able to go and I’d have appreciated it so much.

I agree.
I would be very hurt.
Like a 2nd class citizen.

Not more important but equally important in different ways. Maybe it’s a different strokes for different folks type thing but if we were serious and a man told me his mother is still MORE important (not equally as important but more) that would raise red flags that his mother’s wishes would always trump mine or that may indicate a lack of boundaries he may be willing to set in the future. If after 2 years our relationship didn’t come first or at least equal it would be a deal breaker. But again like I said that’s maybe where perhaps OP went wrong is not discussing expectations ahead of time in the beginning when they decided to be exclusive. I just don’t know many men who prioritize vacationing with their mother over their partner. Seems he is still in that young boy mindset whether than a man starting his future with a woman.

Right it’s like he views himself more a part of his family of origin than a partner and after 2 years that’s just plain odd

He sounds stingy with money and I think that's the real issue here. Personally, as it's a family holiday I'd expect him to pay for you outright, especially given the discrepancy in your finances. (But then I expect a man I'm dating to show generosity.) I think he's let you down here and the airbnb comment was his way of avoiding having to offer to pay on your behalf. He gets a holiday all paid for ffs!! He should want you there- but he'd rather save the money. That's not a good partner.

But they haven't got engaged. Or moved in together. I know they are considering it but they stage of their relationship they choose to be at is dating.

It seems like a significant red flag when someone prioritizes staying with their parents in a luxurious setting over sharing accommodations with their partner, especially when they've discussed building a life together. This behavior suggests that he might not be fully invested in the relationship or prioritizing his partner's needs. A more balanced approach would be to find a way to make the vacation work for both partners, rather than treating one person as an afterthought. The way he thinks about the situation says a lot - he should be thinking in terms of "we've been invited to vacation with mom and dad, let's figure this out so we can afford it together," rather than "I'm vacationing with mom and dad and I'm inviting you." This mindset difference reveals a lot about his perspective on the relationship. If you're talking long-term with me, you'd better be willing to prioritize our relationship and figure out logistics together – otherwise, it's a clear sign that you're not thinking long-term, and that's a deal-breaker for me.

I agree with you mostly. I don't think he nor parents should pay and I can see you haven't suggested this but ask him if he would be willing to stay at the Air b&b with you and then you could both go to the hotel to see his family. If it's a definite no, this might mean rethinking moving in together as this will be a thing for the rest of your relationship. What will happen if you get married, have kids etc? Will they pay for him and the kids and you still get the air b&b? Will there be other events you miss out on as a couple if you can't afford it. Let him have his holiday and take time to consider your limits and boundaries. It is insensitive of him to keep harping on about it. Maybe tell him you simply can't afford it and it makes you sad when he keeps showing you what you are missing so please stop.

OP has money she just chooses to give it to her sibling, and that's her choice to do so, but she can't then go cap in hand to others saying she can't afford to go on holiday and expect her boyfriend pay.

She works, gets paid and gives a percentage away, again her choice.

Going forward OP needs to think about whether she can actually really afford to live with her boyfriend, who seems to earn pretty much the same as her, and will she continue to give her money away expecting him to pay a higher percentage towards the bills.

They earn the same though

Hence the word “if”

I sympathise with you because I’m in a similar boat where I’ve never been able to take my son on holiday and likely never will because I’m skint. But the mentality of expecting things should never be an option. No one is going to be there to save you or for you to rely on so we make our own way in life. You can’t go through expecting things just because other people can afford it. I would get this mentality out of your head and realise to not expect from people because it’s only going to upset you when you realise those expectations are not reality as people aren’t always kind

YABU to settle for minimum wage jobs (which I dont think 28K pa is?) because you are autistic. There are lots of jobs where your kind of moderate autism can be useful eg jobs in tech. You clearly want to experience nice holidays etc so you need to make this happen for yourself. Pleny of other people in your situation have done this amd plenty of people experience, and survive, significant pressure at work so that they can go on nice holidays and have a good living standard.

It’s completely irrelevant how much money his parents have , quite frankly it’s none of your business .YOU are responsible for your own finances , if he wants to buy an 18k car then that’s up to him . It appears as if u may have a sense of entitlement . You are not a married couple & if you can’t pay for your own holiday then yes it’s disappointing but u can’t afford to go .

While all that is true it also shows where her bf prioritizes their relationship. I feel like a guy who is truly invested in the relationship and looking to settle down with me will view us as a team and work together. Still seems like he is viewing his mom as more important which is strange for a grown man to view his mom as more important than his partner

How exactly is he viewing his mother as more important ? It’s an annual family holiday & she was invited to come along . He didn’t say to her ur not coming ! It’s not his fault that she can’t afford to go . She chooses to help her sister with her finances so is she prioritising her over him ? If I was her I would not want him to miss out on my account & would definitely not expect him to pay for me . They don’t even live together so she really doesn’t know for sure his financial stability . If the roles were reversed & it was she that was going on holiday with her mother but he expected her to pay for him , I suspect a lot of replies would be very different .

Save up and go on your own holiday. Do you really want to go with his family? Wouldn't a nice holiday somewhere you have chosen and you can afford be much better?

Maybe he thinks she should stop subsidising her sister and then she could afford to go

Why does gender always have to come up? I’m not sure why you think the responses would be any different. Women get scrutinized a lot more than man if anything. I just find it strange a grown man would rather be vacationing with his mother than his partner. Once I was in a committed adult relationship I expected our vacations together to be prioritized. Also she never said she expected his mom to pay for her but her partner to.

My DH used to be very much parent funded and be sent huge amounts for birthdays etc. He had his allowance cut off when he announced he was marrying me (oddly I'm more important than money — who knew?!)

It sounds like he doesn't really have the money for you to go either. His parents are bankrolling him going but it's unfair to ask him to use his savings to pay for you to go on a holiday. A holiday where I suspect it will not be as "all-inclusive" as claimed. He probably knows that too. These are the kind of people who spend £550 on clothes to take with them. My IL have offered to fund my DH going on trips to various places in the world but I've not been included and neither has their DGC... He refuses now.

And with the ASD thing, it sounds like social energy hell anyway x

The responses would be different & I raised gender because a lot of us women still have an expectation that the man should pay for everything .She’s not asking him to pay for a meal out , its for a holiday that’s over one thousand pounds ! That’s a huge ask . I have always insisted on paying half , if we want to have equality I don’t understand this way of thinking . Do u really expect someone to turn down a FREE holiday with their family ? They are not married , they don’t even live together . She was invited to come so she should quit bailing out her sister & prioritise her relationship with her bloke , then she will be able to go next time .

I spoke with my partner about this sort of expecting him to offer to pay

What a CF you are! Pay your own way or don’t go. If I was him, I’d have HUGE alarm bells ringing about moving in together and what other CF expectations you may have.

I just find it strange a grown man would rather be vacationing with his mother than his partner. Once I was in a committed adult relationship I expected our vacations together to be prioritized. Also she never said she expected his mom to pay for her but her partner to

Uhhmm, not when it’s a paid for lux vaycay! How can he prioritise vacations with his girlfriend when she doesn’t have the money for a vacation? The only other option is he says no to his parents (fair enough), and then sits at home and stares at the wall with OP instead. How does that solve the issue? They do go away it seems, for things OP can afford like a spa night. But, expecting him to pay for a lux holiday for OP as ‘prioritisation’ is outrageous. OP is an adult, they must fund themselves. They must also fund themselves equally into the relationship moving in together. If I was the boyfriend my spidey senses would be tingling at this point and I’d be considering things very seriously.

It's his whole family that are going on this family holiday - his parents, his brother and their partners/wives and the children the brothers have.
So nothing wrong with the parents paying for their single child and he is single in the sense he doesn't live with the Op, but now in enough of a relationship with the Op that she has this year been invited to join them.

at her expense.

The Op can't afford it as it's only a few weeks away and despite working she has been supporting her sister.

However at least now she has a whole year to save in the hope she may be invited next year.

btw £1100 seems a bargain for a swim up room with a la cart meals, all inclusive in the August school holidays.
( My dd is going next June and hasn't achieved a swim up room for that price.)

It's not because she's a woman. It's because she's the lower earner and they are a couple

@4naans

'he only earns similar to me. He’s not in a high-flying job or anything.'

It's HIS parents that seem to have money, and are willing to spend their money on their son i.e. paying for him to join the family holiday / replacing anything he would need i.e. a new hoover whereas the Op would need to replace her own hoover etc.

They are only a couple as in boyfriend / girl friend, they do not live together tho that is talked about for later in the year, it is yet to happen.