To think he should offer to pay for me to go on the holiday

[GoInTheDaxrk]

I’ve never been on holiday, literally never. Grew up in a poor family and couldn’t even afford caravan holidays. Then in my teens and early 20s never had any friends to go away with (I have autism so never made deep friendships). Closest thing I’ve had to a holiday was a long weekend in Newcastle for a wedding.

I’m absolutely desperate to go abroad but have never managed. Every time I save a bit up, the car conks out, or I’ve had to lend money to my sibling who is a single parent and living on the breadline (bailiffs at door etc amongst other emergencies). I know that’s on me and not anyone else’s problem but it gets me down. I had South of France booked with a cousin for July 2020 but you all know what happened then, and then after lockdown lifted she went away without me and didn’t invite me again.

Anyway, been with boyfriend now for 2 years. We haven’t moved in together yet but planning by end of year. We’ve had a spa break together for one night and I adored it and he knows how much I’d like to go abroad and we’ve got tentative future plans once our financial situation settles, but if my luck continues as it has been a holiday won’t be on cards for a while. I’m in a minimum wage job and with my autism and executive functioning difficulties that go along with it, I would struggle in a job paying much more than minimum wage as I can’t cope with too much pressure, so I can’t rely on my pay ever increasing.

Partner’s family have a yearly trip to Rhodes, Greece. His brother’s both bring their long-term partners who they have kids with. I wasn’t invited last year, but didn’t mind as we hadn’t been together that long. They’ve now booked it again for August this year (it has to be August because nieces and nephews in school). Partners parents have paid for him, as they always do. I was invited too. I was so excited and grateful to be invited, and checked the cost as I of course didn’t expect DP parent’s to pay for me too. They are quite well-off and like an upmarket hotel, think a swim-up room, al a carte menu every night etc so it’s a pricey hotel. I would be £1100 to add me on an all-inclusive package in the hotel they are at, and not much less for half-board. I cannot afford it. Physically don’t have the money and can’t get credit nor would I want to. I spoke with my partner about this sort of expecting him to offer to pay. I’ve never asked for anything from him but thought he’d really want me to come but he just wasn’t arsed and shrugged his shoulders saying maybe next time and joked that I’ll enjoy the break from him. What really hurt me is when he suggested I get an AirBandB near their hotel and can self-cater to save money but meet up with them. That enraged me to be honest. I would feel like riff-raff, hanging around outside trying to see them and yet not allowed into their ‘exclusive’ resort. I told him as such, told him it was a vile thing to suggest and he fell out with me.

I know he can afford it, he is buying an £18,000 car outright soon and has more money put away. I just feel so hurt and rejected. I know it’s cheeky for me to expect him to pay but it just feels like I’m not important to him. I love his family and it would’ve made my year to be able to go and I’d have appreciated it so much.

My instant thought when I read this was “does your boyfriend have autism too?” As his reaction screams it to be honest.
I see someone else has asked you this and you’ve said suspected but undiagnosed.
I think you’d be better off saying to him outright “can you help me pay towards this holiday so I can join you?” And the same sort of direct approach for any future situations. Otherwise, I fear this disappointment and anger (understandably!) in you will continue to arise!
Men in general can be very black and white - and if you aren’t direct they can’t compute!

@Stars2theside I am in the process of being assessed for autism and I would go further - it actually makes me really upset/angry when someone does something like the OP, i.e. is really disingenuous "oh I can't afford it, what should I do?" clearly expecting something without having the guts to say it. I think it is a common issue for those on the spectrum.

I didn’t want to be that person but i never heard of not paying for people as a couple once in a committed exclusive relationship. I always thought it was considered rude to just pay for one half of the couple. That once your child is an adult if you pay for your child you would pay for their partner or at least phrase it in a more inclusive way, no? Not I’ll pay for you son but for my potential future daughter in law you’re on your own. Surely it would be better to say, “hey guys we would love for you both to go but we can only afford to contribute $3000 or whatever the amount is towards the trip.”

and if someone came on here and said their adult child has a serious partner they been with for a while should I pay for them if I’m paying for my child there would be a bunch of resounding yes they are a couple a package deal you pay for both or neither

I am stunned that you even thought that a boyfriend would pay £1100 for you to join him on his family holiday, it does not matter that he is buying a car outright.

He is merely a boyfriend as yet you do not live together and he isn't even a husband - if he was then yes I would expect him to pay / assist you with the rest of the money as being married means it is joint money.

When you do live together - I don't think you can afford it.
and as a result you will be left behind when he goes on future holidays with his parents/family.

This European weekend break - were you planning on paying for him as a birthday present for him ?
otherwise can he afford it ? as he seems to be as badly paid as you.

His parents aren't yours, he is not your meal ticket either. If you can't afford it , don't go.

They extended and invitation,not forced you

My friend doesn’t do this. She treats her three adult DC to a holiday each year and their boyfriends pay for themselves. One of the boyfriends is only a few years younger than my friend.

I dont even expwct my husband of 18byears to pay for me so to me YABU

My now husband and I considered ourself a unit of our own from the moment we were serious. Meaning we helped each other out when needed. For some reason this really upset his mom. Which to this day 14 years later and married I don’t know why it was her concern or business how we conducted our relationship when we never asked her for money so it literally had zero impact on her life

It wont stop men being used as a bank

It’s not that I would expect him to pay, but he seems very nonchalant about the whole thing. He doesn’t really seem on the same page in the relationship at the moment.

If you do move in, it’s not a fair split 50:50 if he earns significantly more. Fair would be proportionate.

Seems to me that he doesn’t care whether you go or not. Seems to me he doesn’t really care about you at all. I’d be thinking twice about moving in together. Alarm bells are ringing.

I don’t think he should pay for you as his financial situation is the same as you. If he topped up the rest, the money is in reality coming from his parents, whom you said shouldn’t be paying for you.
just go for the break you can afford ? It doesn’t have to be this precise trip. 1100 for a week is a lot!!! There’s plenty of other holidays which will be just as amazing but cos much less

You must be gutted, it's worse than having a best friend whose parents throw money at them while you're struggling. Sometimes life is like that but you have got your head screwed on and you know what your priorities are financially and going forward. What your boyfriend has is wealthy parents, that's not his fault though. He'll be used to his annual family holiday and probably doesn't understand what it's like to struggle or go without things. You have a sound knowledge of being independent and your life experience so far is grounded in being responsible for yourself.

How old are you both?

If you're planning on moving in together I think it's wise to talk about how the financials will work because there's nothing worse than heading down a blind alley and then losing what you've got.

As and when you experience your first holiday abroad, make sure it's what you want and what you can afford, that's your best bet xx

He's not that into you or just emotionally not mature or something! And you sound desperate tbh. Be honest with him stop pussyfooting around. If he blabbing on about the fab resort say 'stop talking about it & making me feel like shite because I cannot afford it".

I definitely wouldn't move in with him. If he loved you, he'd have you on the holiday no matter what it takes.

If his parents help him out financially they may have bit of a say on his finances. They’d probably not be happy paying for him/helping him out throughout the year/him spending his childhood savings on somebody else.

OP - have you made a claim for Personal Independence Payment? People with Autism are entitled to apply. If you're successful, the extra money should help you be more financially better off.

Before you move in together, have a discussion about how he sees your your relationship and your future. When you are married for example does he still expect to keep your finances separate? It’s not a matter of him being able to afford to pay for you, it’s his attitude.

@diterictur I feel the exact same way! Perhaps I’m on the spectrum too! I can’t stand it (I get very irritated!) when someone is so clearly hinting, but without asking outright! It drives me mad!

Hopefully that will be a two-way discussion.

I don’t think he should pay for you no.
I don’t think you
should book a city break in November with him.

if I were you id stick the £500 in a savings account and keep adding to it. When you have enough for an off-peak holiday at a beautiful location I’d book to go away with a friend on a lovey girly holiday,

I think this may be the end of your relationship but it sounds like you’re on completely different pages anyway.

If my friend was being pressured by a partner to pay for them to the point where they ‘fell out’ about it I’d be telling them to seriously consider continuing the relationship.

I would not stay in a relationship with him and I am speaking from personal experience. He seems to enjoy that OP has less money and that he has the financial upper hand in this relationship. He won’t ever change. I was in a similar situation as OP, been with the boyfriend/fiance for 25 years and I always had to pay my own way.

I agree. What about if he paid from savings and you paid it back over a year, so less than 100 a month?

I would also disagree that having autism or ADHD would preclude you from a better paying job.

I have had considerable progress in my career. I have never been assessed but all three of my children have Autism and ADHD and shocking executive functioning skills.
I was the same at their age. I am absolutely certain they have got this from me.
These are skills that can be improved with awareness and putting strategies in place but it does take time. It isn't something you can't improve.

My own experience is that although taking on more senior roles has mean to use more complex knowledge (which I have built anyway working in the sector over time) but the skills I would use executive functioning for (getting myself to work on time, having the right equipment, juggling my schedule) are the same.

I do think that if you only earn minimum wage and there are aspects of lifestyle that you want and can't afford, you need to explore increasing your salary.

Sorry you sound like you want a free holiday - even tho you say you don’t mean it.