To think he should offer to pay for me to go on the holiday

[GoInTheDaxrk]

I’ve never been on holiday, literally never. Grew up in a poor family and couldn’t even afford caravan holidays. Then in my teens and early 20s never had any friends to go away with (I have autism so never made deep friendships). Closest thing I’ve had to a holiday was a long weekend in Newcastle for a wedding.

I’m absolutely desperate to go abroad but have never managed. Every time I save a bit up, the car conks out, or I’ve had to lend money to my sibling who is a single parent and living on the breadline (bailiffs at door etc amongst other emergencies). I know that’s on me and not anyone else’s problem but it gets me down. I had South of France booked with a cousin for July 2020 but you all know what happened then, and then after lockdown lifted she went away without me and didn’t invite me again.

Anyway, been with boyfriend now for 2 years. We haven’t moved in together yet but planning by end of year. We’ve had a spa break together for one night and I adored it and he knows how much I’d like to go abroad and we’ve got tentative future plans once our financial situation settles, but if my luck continues as it has been a holiday won’t be on cards for a while. I’m in a minimum wage job and with my autism and executive functioning difficulties that go along with it, I would struggle in a job paying much more than minimum wage as I can’t cope with too much pressure, so I can’t rely on my pay ever increasing.

Partner’s family have a yearly trip to Rhodes, Greece. His brother’s both bring their long-term partners who they have kids with. I wasn’t invited last year, but didn’t mind as we hadn’t been together that long. They’ve now booked it again for August this year (it has to be August because nieces and nephews in school). Partners parents have paid for him, as they always do. I was invited too. I was so excited and grateful to be invited, and checked the cost as I of course didn’t expect DP parent’s to pay for me too. They are quite well-off and like an upmarket hotel, think a swim-up room, al a carte menu every night etc so it’s a pricey hotel. I would be £1100 to add me on an all-inclusive package in the hotel they are at, and not much less for half-board. I cannot afford it. Physically don’t have the money and can’t get credit nor would I want to. I spoke with my partner about this sort of expecting him to offer to pay. I’ve never asked for anything from him but thought he’d really want me to come but he just wasn’t arsed and shrugged his shoulders saying maybe next time and joked that I’ll enjoy the break from him. What really hurt me is when he suggested I get an AirBandB near their hotel and can self-cater to save money but meet up with them. That enraged me to be honest. I would feel like riff-raff, hanging around outside trying to see them and yet not allowed into their ‘exclusive’ resort. I told him as such, told him it was a vile thing to suggest and he fell out with me.

I know he can afford it, he is buying an £18,000 car outright soon and has more money put away. I just feel so hurt and rejected. I know it’s cheeky for me to expect him to pay but it just feels like I’m not important to him. I love his family and it would’ve made my year to be able to go and I’d have appreciated it so much.

If you are both on a similar wage, I don't really understand how you think he could afford to pay for you. Quite honestly, I'd be embarrassed if a guy I was only dating had to pay for my holiday. I wouldn't even let DP pay. We both work, so we should both contribute.

I think he might prefer it to be just his family as it sounds like he could have offered to lend you the 600 tbh. Why not suggest a long weekend in September there are so many places you could go to for 500 as your first holiday is a testing time in a relationship honestly. then save up next year for the family holiday. You don’t say how old either of you are.

They earn the same it's just that his parents help him out so 50/50 would be fair in this situation

That’s a bad sign he doesn’t want his gf on this trip. He would rather vacation with his family over his partner as an adult that’s strange. Why wouldn’t he want her there? Hmm that’s suspect

He doesn't not want her he just isn't paying. They don't even live together yet and the savings he has are funds his family have given him to pay for major costs such as a new car or household purchases so he's not getting into debt.
I don't think she's reasonable to expect him to pay.

Well he’s is choosing this situation he can help her go but he’s not is he?

It’s suspect to go on a holiday with your family that happens every year?

He’s known his family all his life. His parents take their family on holiday. There’s nothing suspect about it.

Personally wouldn’t want my mum to pay for a holiday for me, wholeheartedly believe that adults should pay for their own holidays, but there’s nothing weird about him going away with his family.

You misrepresented what I said. I was quoting another poster who said that he might not want his girlfriend to go and I said that’s a red flag if he doesn’t want his gf to go after 2 years. My question would be why? After 2 years exclusively dating someone I would expect it to be assumed we are a unit for family functions/holidays/events let a lone my bf not even inviting me.

It wasn’t his to invite her to, his parents are paying for their family holiday.

Being generous, he may have assumed that it’s a separate family event, and would only have invited her if his parents had included her in the being paid for. Which they haven’t.

Keep your independence and don’t move in with him. I think money will come between you.

This.

Also, you can't go 50/50 if he is used to living less frugally than you. He might spend loads more on food or be more wasteful with utilities and you'd be footing half the bill. He would have disposable income and you'd have none.

You need a proper talk about finances if you are serious about moving in together.

Btw, you can hire a caravan or small holiday flat off-season but still in nice weather) at Haven or Park Resorts for a few nights for less than £100. Lots of nice sites beside the sea, with on-site swimming pools. Take a holiday. Invite a friend along who is similarly broke and enjoy paddling, exploring rock pools, building sandcastles, fish and chips on the beach etc. You really deserve a holiday.

Their son is an adult surely it’s up to him to invite his partner? Just bc they aren’t paying for her doesn’t necessarily mean she isn’t invited? I don’t take it to mean that. Again that’s a red flag if my partner isn’t standing up for me if I’m left out after 2 years. Then again that’s a compatibility issue that I would find out about long before we stayed together for 2 years in terms of what does it look like to be in a partnership? Clearly he doesn’t see it as serious as she does. I also wouldn’t be with a man whose family left me out after 2 years I would be with a man whose family is inclusive and open to partners. So I guess for me it would boil down to a value and compatibility mis match but that’s up to OP if she wants to stay with a guy who is cool with his partner not being included?

Hopefully if they love together things will be much more comfortable for her? Her half of the bills even if he isn't as careful will still be a lot less than the 100% of the bills she pays now?

His parents are paying for the family holiday, including her would likely mean asking them to fund it.

They maybe are open to their children’s partners but not enough to pay £1100 for a holiday for them. Which IMO is fair enough.

The only way OP was able to be included was to pay for herself, which she can’t do.

Tough one! I suppose if he could easily afford it, and really wanted you to come, then he would have offered to pay. But then, I don't know, it does set a precedent. I have never had my share of a holiday paid for by a significant other, ever.

To be honest if HE was much more well off than you, yes absolutely I would expect him to pay for things for you. However given actually it's his parents who gift these things to him, I think it would sound quite cheeky and grabby for him to say "please pay for my girlfriend too". I think you sound a bit entitled to expect him to ask them too. Are you even close to them, how well do you know them?

The thing is they've been together for a little over a year and don't live together yet. I don't think that's really in the 'life partner's stage.

The OP mentions nieces and nephews so it sounds like the DPs family do pay for their daughter or son in laws and grandchildren, but it sounds like after a year and not even living together they still see her as.more of a casual girlfriend which I think is fair enough at this stage.

I know people who get engaged after a much shorter time period. Casual is like a few weeks of dating not a couple years of dating. If they agreed not to date other people and stay exclusive to me that’s serious. There could be plenty of reasons they don’t live together. I’m not saying his parents have to pay for her but as his partner he could help her out a little. That’s why I said for me it boils down to a compatibility issue I wouldn’t stay with a guy for 2 years if he wasn’t serious. But again expectations and such for me would be discussed right away

I wouldn’t consider not getting a paid for holiday as someone not being serious about me.

I don’t think giving someone £1100 (or £600) is a sign of affection or commitment, it’s a sign of ball rolling someone, which I don’t agree with.

But somebody not being fussed whether you go on holiday with them or not (when they know you really want to go) does suggest a lack of interest.

She can’t afford to go, I’m not sure what he’s meant to be bothered about.

It’s a shame she can’t afford to join them but that’s probably about the end of it?

“Oh well, maybe next year.” Is where I assume that conversation would end. On both sides.

Im looking at it than deeper than just being about the money I’m looking at it as in a committed adult relationship if your partner really wants to go on holiday with you you don’t just throw your hands up and say oh well if you are serious about the person you work together to make it work. Right now he is saying it’s more important to go on holiday with his family and his gf is secondary. That is absolutely a sign of seriousness bc just like for a person you been seeing a month you wouldn’t help out but you would the more serious you get.

a partnership is a give and take and right now he is obviously not viewing the relationship with the OP in the same she is viewing the relationship. Which again like I said boils down to a compatibility issue and something that would be discussed in the beginning of a relationship. That’s the one area where I would say OP may have went wrong is not having the whole where they are in the relationship discussion or expectations right away.

at the adult stage I would expect a partner to help me out more than my parent

Again not in a partnership of 2 years. Like I said people get engaged in shorter time than that. That seems like a very cavalier attitude. A man that is invested in his relationship would offer something going halves I mean why wouldn’t he he clearly has the funds so it tells me he doesn’t view his own gf as worthy enough to spend money on. It’s like his mom is still more important than his relationship and after 2 years I would definitely expect our relationship to be the first priority

To be fair - I was with my ex husband for 14 years, and I’ve been with my partner for 5 now.

Neither of them were or are ever more important than my mother, and never will be. My partner will never take priority over my mum, ever. I don’t see why he should.

I would expect to be contributing to someone’s holiday only when funds are joint. Until then, our money is our own and I don’t pay large sums for anyone to do anything. I also wouldn’t expect someone else to.

I believe in paying your own way, unless it becomes our way.

Turn it around.

OP has a low wage job but savings put aside, and was going on her family's holiday abroad. BF has been invited, but also has low wage job and not much saved because he gives money to his sister. Would she be expected to pay his way to a foreign holiday in a 5* hotel because he can't afford it.

I think a lot more people would say he should pay his own way and watch out for a future cocklodger if he's expecting her to pay for his vacation when they're not married or engaged or living together.