To think he should offer to pay for me to go on the holiday

[GoInTheDaxrk]

I’ve never been on holiday, literally never. Grew up in a poor family and couldn’t even afford caravan holidays. Then in my teens and early 20s never had any friends to go away with (I have autism so never made deep friendships). Closest thing I’ve had to a holiday was a long weekend in Newcastle for a wedding.

I’m absolutely desperate to go abroad but have never managed. Every time I save a bit up, the car conks out, or I’ve had to lend money to my sibling who is a single parent and living on the breadline (bailiffs at door etc amongst other emergencies). I know that’s on me and not anyone else’s problem but it gets me down. I had South of France booked with a cousin for July 2020 but you all know what happened then, and then after lockdown lifted she went away without me and didn’t invite me again.

Anyway, been with boyfriend now for 2 years. We haven’t moved in together yet but planning by end of year. We’ve had a spa break together for one night and I adored it and he knows how much I’d like to go abroad and we’ve got tentative future plans once our financial situation settles, but if my luck continues as it has been a holiday won’t be on cards for a while. I’m in a minimum wage job and with my autism and executive functioning difficulties that go along with it, I would struggle in a job paying much more than minimum wage as I can’t cope with too much pressure, so I can’t rely on my pay ever increasing.

Partner’s family have a yearly trip to Rhodes, Greece. His brother’s both bring their long-term partners who they have kids with. I wasn’t invited last year, but didn’t mind as we hadn’t been together that long. They’ve now booked it again for August this year (it has to be August because nieces and nephews in school). Partners parents have paid for him, as they always do. I was invited too. I was so excited and grateful to be invited, and checked the cost as I of course didn’t expect DP parent’s to pay for me too. They are quite well-off and like an upmarket hotel, think a swim-up room, al a carte menu every night etc so it’s a pricey hotel. I would be £1100 to add me on an all-inclusive package in the hotel they are at, and not much less for half-board. I cannot afford it. Physically don’t have the money and can’t get credit nor would I want to. I spoke with my partner about this sort of expecting him to offer to pay. I’ve never asked for anything from him but thought he’d really want me to come but he just wasn’t arsed and shrugged his shoulders saying maybe next time and joked that I’ll enjoy the break from him. What really hurt me is when he suggested I get an AirBandB near their hotel and can self-cater to save money but meet up with them. That enraged me to be honest. I would feel like riff-raff, hanging around outside trying to see them and yet not allowed into their ‘exclusive’ resort. I told him as such, told him it was a vile thing to suggest and he fell out with me.

I know he can afford it, he is buying an £18,000 car outright soon and has more money put away. I just feel so hurt and rejected. I know it’s cheeky for me to expect him to pay but it just feels like I’m not important to him. I love his family and it would’ve made my year to be able to go and I’d have appreciated it so much.

But she's a grown woman who wants to take from her boyfriend and his parents rather than paying for her own holiday

Why is it wrong for him to take from his own parents?But not wrong for her to take from him and his parents?

Why is it taking? He's their son, and if they want to pay for his holiday, they're entitled to do so.

Are you in USA ?
Happy Independence Day 🙌🥳

I sometimes see posts on claiming that there is no double standard on MN.

It's sometimes difficult to prove across different threads.

This thread is pretty conclusive though. He's classed as a loser for taking others generosity. She's not a loser for expecting the same.

OP save your money and focus on yourself you must have financial security from now on do not waste any more money until you have proper savings accumulated. Put yourself first.

It's extremely hurtful but no difference to him because he always does this ,go away with family wheras for you it's a novelty.
Its a bit different if you had both planned a holiday then suddenly he wouldn't help you .

So chin up , move on and make a bargain with yourself absolutely no more money until you have a few grand savings but never to be wasted on someone else's too end holiday.

That's a bit shit for your first holiday together. You can't afford to be sharing your money with your sister. I've said this to my friend for years and she's just found out that she's been taken for a complete idiot, like you, she goes without to provide.
You need to ask your BF how he sees you, there's nothing wrong with having these chats, women should never assume that the man they are having sex with is on the same page, relationship wise. Two years in, his reaction is worrying. However you could try suggesting a lower budget break, off peak, it will be doable. I got a last minute, half board four day trip for £288, in May, in an adults only hotel. Then take things from there.

Two points;

How can he save £18k to buy a car on his salary?

£1100 for a week in a 5 star all inclusive hotel with flights for a week in August is very cheap.. presumably the family are quoting you the flight and food with them paying the room?

MN is riddled with double standards!

personally I wouldn’t want to spend 18k on a car but that’s his choice. If a man posted about his girlfriend who he didn’t yet live with or share finances with, complaining about what she chose to buy for herself and whinging that she wasn’t paying for him to come on his family holiday, you can bet there’d be cries of ‘controlling bastard’ ‘her money, her choice’ ‘coercive behaviour,’ etc.

The OP makes it clear that she never expects to earn more than NMW because she doesn’t want the pressure of higher paying jobs. That’s fine - her prerogative. But she needs to live within her means. If that means she can’t afford 5* holidays abroad then so be it. She’s an adult; it’s not reasonable to expect him to pay for her. Her car conking out or unexpected bills are all part of adult life. Most people have to go without certain luxuries in order to pay the essentials.

I feel for you OP.

If my partner of two years couldn’t afford the holiday I’d pay out of the £18k I had for the car and buy it later.

But thats because if I was with someone and loved them and they’d never had a single holiday in their LIVES I’d be delighted to do that and make them so happy.
He’s not a kind man.
and the suggestion of you staying in a B &B and meeting up with them was an absolute insult.
Id be thinking very long and hard about moving in with him.

I totally understand where you’re coming from. It’s not unreasonable (or entitled) to hope that a partner (who loves you) would want you to join him on a lovely family holiday and would be willing to help financially. If the roles were reversed, would you do it for him? If it’s a yes then there’s your answer.

If it were me and I had the means, of course I’d do it for my partner. If I loved them, thoughts of ‘setting a precedent’ wouldn’t even enter my head. I’d want my OH there to enjoy the time together. Him suggesting you get a self catered Airbnb is really offensive. I’d be upset by that too.

If you’re in a mutually loving relationship, you want your partner to be happy and sometimes that might look like forking out some savings to help them go on holiday.

But the bf didn't offer to stay in the Airbnb with her. That would be fine - both of them staying together and then meeting up with his family when they could. Instead he's saying she can tag along, very much at the edge of the group, far away from him. He clearly doesn't want to spend much time with her if he made that suggestion. Doesn't seem like a great relationship tbh.

I think you need to dump him. He doesn't see you as part of his family.

Your parents sound like kind people and it’s nice they paid for friends and boyfriends to holiday with you. Did those friends and boyfriends expect them to though?

The OP just sounds a bit entitled to me. I wouldn’t expect anyone apart from my spouse to pay towards my holiday and I would never expect someone’s parents to help out either, no matter how wealthy they are. Everyone has a different approach to money. I know rich people who are quite tight and I have friends on a low income who would share their last pound. I don’t judge either way.

OP is in what sounds like a casual relationship. The two year duration is a red herring, her boyfriend just doesn’t sound invested in the relationship. Meanwhile OP is sitting around complaining about never going on holiday, waiting for a handout instead of literally standing on her own two feet and going abroad alone.

This is a parenting website. Most of you have kids. Would see your child's 2 year noj living together bf or gf as part of the family to the extent you'd pay £1100 on their holiday?

Do answer

Why do they have to be seen as part of the family forevermore in order to come and enjoy a holiday with you? They’re your child’s partner, and that’s important. It’s nice to be generous of spirit 🤷‍♀️

I think everyone has a cut off though, it's just different for everyone.

My parents have paid for holidays for my husband but they wouldn't have done before marriage. That's one cut off - they are old fashioned I guess. For others, it would be when they were engaged or living together or after a certain amount of time.

I think the fact that you’ve never holidayed abroad before is irrelevant here but you’re using it to show how unreasonable his parents are for not realising that & paying for you to join them. That’s not their fault. Also once they started paying for you as well where would it stop? Would you expect the same of your own parents & expect they pay for your BF to come on their annual family holiday?

You are capable financially of going on a short break abroad ;with your BF or longer if you camped say in France) or a package deal or a break in this country without asking for money from anyone else. So you should go about doing that.

I think you’ve summed it up well and OP should decide how to proceed with this relationship after he’s shown her clearly what she means to him. I’ve been married a while now and two years into our relationship I would have very enthusiastically chosen a compromise to make sure my partner could be there. The why is because I’ve invested two years of my time into the relationship and I love him and care about how he feels.

I'll answer: I would see them as part of our family and, if I had the means, I would pay or at least subsidise the trip for his girlfiend. In fact, I have done so already for my ds previous girlfriend. I think you're a mean-spiruited, tight fucker if you don't. Unless you can't afford it, of course, but then you could choose a cheaper holiday.

Having said that, in this case, I think the ds should pay the rest of the holiday for his girlfriend because it's his girlfriend and he is about to spunk 18 grand on a car, so he clearly has the means.

Choose a cheaper holiday? So you’d expect someone to downgrade their planned break and do a week at Butlins in Bognor just to accommodate their DC’s girlfriend/boyfriend’s budget. Lol.

Maybe the £18k car is a loan or hire purchase

Pretty sure she's already said he bought it outright and cash was from his folks.

He's their son. They can give him what they like. As you can give your children what you like

He doesn't see you you in the same way you see him.
He sees the relationship as casual

She just wants a free holiday because she's never been away before. Any holiday would do i'm sure.