To think he should offer to pay for me to go on the holiday

[GoInTheDaxrk]

I’ve never been on holiday, literally never. Grew up in a poor family and couldn’t even afford caravan holidays. Then in my teens and early 20s never had any friends to go away with (I have autism so never made deep friendships). Closest thing I’ve had to a holiday was a long weekend in Newcastle for a wedding.

I’m absolutely desperate to go abroad but have never managed. Every time I save a bit up, the car conks out, or I’ve had to lend money to my sibling who is a single parent and living on the breadline (bailiffs at door etc amongst other emergencies). I know that’s on me and not anyone else’s problem but it gets me down. I had South of France booked with a cousin for July 2020 but you all know what happened then, and then after lockdown lifted she went away without me and didn’t invite me again.

Anyway, been with boyfriend now for 2 years. We haven’t moved in together yet but planning by end of year. We’ve had a spa break together for one night and I adored it and he knows how much I’d like to go abroad and we’ve got tentative future plans once our financial situation settles, but if my luck continues as it has been a holiday won’t be on cards for a while. I’m in a minimum wage job and with my autism and executive functioning difficulties that go along with it, I would struggle in a job paying much more than minimum wage as I can’t cope with too much pressure, so I can’t rely on my pay ever increasing.

Partner’s family have a yearly trip to Rhodes, Greece. His brother’s both bring their long-term partners who they have kids with. I wasn’t invited last year, but didn’t mind as we hadn’t been together that long. They’ve now booked it again for August this year (it has to be August because nieces and nephews in school). Partners parents have paid for him, as they always do. I was invited too. I was so excited and grateful to be invited, and checked the cost as I of course didn’t expect DP parent’s to pay for me too. They are quite well-off and like an upmarket hotel, think a swim-up room, al a carte menu every night etc so it’s a pricey hotel. I would be £1100 to add me on an all-inclusive package in the hotel they are at, and not much less for half-board. I cannot afford it. Physically don’t have the money and can’t get credit nor would I want to. I spoke with my partner about this sort of expecting him to offer to pay. I’ve never asked for anything from him but thought he’d really want me to come but he just wasn’t arsed and shrugged his shoulders saying maybe next time and joked that I’ll enjoy the break from him. What really hurt me is when he suggested I get an AirBandB near their hotel and can self-cater to save money but meet up with them. That enraged me to be honest. I would feel like riff-raff, hanging around outside trying to see them and yet not allowed into their ‘exclusive’ resort. I told him as such, told him it was a vile thing to suggest and he fell out with me.

I know he can afford it, he is buying an £18,000 car outright soon and has more money put away. I just feel so hurt and rejected. I know it’s cheeky for me to expect him to pay but it just feels like I’m not important to him. I love his family and it would’ve made my year to be able to go and I’d have appreciated it so much.

How old are you OP? You sound extremely passive and lacking in any initiative. Your trip to France was cancelled five years ago and in the period since you’ve not managed to organise so much as a day trip over there yourself? Come on now. You can get a cheap flight or Eurostar tickets to Paris start from £29 one way if you get the earliest train. You can stay in a cheap Travelodge in London (yes they do exist) the night before from £49.

I appreciate you are on a low wage but it’s hard to fathom why you’ve never had a holiday or gone abroad when there are multitude of ways you could do this without relying on a bloke you’ve been seeing for a year or so to pay for you.

You need a bit more gumption I’m afraid. Forget Greece and the 5 star hotel. It’s not for you. You can’t afford it, your OH is not going to pay or work on a plan/budget for you (there is no budget to work with, you don’t have the money so be honest with yourself: you want him to pay). Stop feeling sorry for yourself and humiliated over the Air BnB suggestion and just sort out your own holiday.

Son and partner manage short stays abroad. Last year they did Warsaw in March, Porto in June. Three nights nice studio flats. Including flights under £400 for both of them.

I think @GoInTheDaxrk and boyfriend should be planning these kind of breaks without the parents.

You’re completely missing the point aswel & turning it into something else !
Stick with the thread !

Please don’t let yourself be affected by tge extremely condescending and demeaning comments from these mumsnet muppets. The issue is that your bf doesn’t cherish you or care to think about how he can bring something amazing tobyour life. He’s a rich kid who lives off of handouts and he likes it like that. I really don’t think he is worth saving with and spending on. Don’t save up for his birthday. Save up for yourself and go abroad by yourself.

https://www.holidaypirates.com/packages/parrotel-lagoon-resort-sharm-el-sheikh-red-sea-egypt?utm_source=UniversalAppAndroid

Here you go OP 10 nights all inclusive in Egypt. £279. Including flights. Why don't you pay for him? I mean you both earn the same and you have enough money to pay for you both2

Ironically, you want him to give her a handout.

Leave Guy alone, it’s his money. Maybe he’s saving for something or maybe he has debts. You sound like a sad sack, and only him paying ur holiday will make you happy.

Find happiness in yourself, putting it on him & his money & his holiday is not healthy.

No…that would be exactly the point, sunshine. Do keep up. 😁

You turned it into , if it was the other way around , gf going on hols & bf not being able to afford to go ..
That’s not what thread is about at all Sunshine 😉

I was completely on your side- until I read that he was on the same wage as you, so he likely couldn’t afford to pay to go on this luxury holiday himself either if his parents weren’t paying for him because they want him there. Therefore your partner can’t really afford to subsidise you going either, only his parents can.

(The £18,000 car is a bit of a red herring imo because, again I’m guessing most of that money isn’t something he earned himself - his family gave it to him, which was obviously up to them, as ridiculous an amount that seems to give someone on minimum wage to spend on a car 😱).

YANBU to be upset that you can’t afford to go on this holiday -it’s a completely understandable feeling and indeed YANBU to be annoyed and upset your partner didn’t show much sympathy for your situation and instead made you feel second rate by suggesting you stayed in an air b&b instead.

But YABU to hint that he should subsidise you to go as well - since he’s on minimum wage too, if he has any spare cash it should really be going to his parents to try to pay them back a bit imo!

I know what you mean, although the BF seems to have no problem accepting all the holidays etc from his family.

Your reaction is valid and fair enough, but so is a different reaction I think. Ultimately we don’t know exactly what is motivating the BF to behave this way but I am not confident that it’s because he shares your principles about financial self reliance.

Don’t be ridiculous.

You criticise him for living off handouts but think he should ‘cherish’ and ‘bring something amazing’ to OP’s life by…giving her a handout.

😁

😂 😂
Well, “ saltinessandcoffeecups “, you’ve made me laugh on this awful wintry, rainy night in Ireland ..
In bed, scrolling through Mumsnet, You know I’ve actually confused myself 🙈 so no retaliation here 😂..

Have a great night! Off to celebrate Independence Day!

Currently sweating my nether regions off and could use a rainy night 😅

This post nails it! OP is so snidey about DP getting freebies, yet wants a freebie!

You’re offended that the parents didn’t pay for the expensive holiday for the girlfriend of their son who he doesn’t even live with? That’s bonkers.

i get the OP is disappointed but it was wildly reasonable to expect anyone else to pay for her though clearly if there is always going to be this mismatch she may want to consider whether the relationship has legs

personally I think your DP should leave you asap.

No, it’s not that the parents didn’t pay so much as that between the parents and the boyfriend nobody even offered to lend anything towards it, or the boyfriend didn’t consider that he shouldn’t suggest the b and b thing, or that he could have stayed there too. I don’t know, something about the whole situation seems off. Two years is enough to expect a bit better I think. Now I fully own that I may be as you say bonkers, can’t deny it really. But my impression is that most likely they someone could have fairly easily made it happen but didn’t, and it wasn’t handled that nicely. Could be wrong.

I wouldn’t have expected him to pay, you can’t afford it therefore you can’t go. The Airbnb comment was shitty though, maybe he felt uncomfortable on the spot.

Down the line if you pool finances/are more committed it might be different. Hopefully you will still get away in winter for a long weekend.

I’m really surprised by the number of responses saying everyone must pay for themselves and anything else is entitled / sponging / lack of independence. It’s a lot of money to the OP but obviously not a huge amount to partners family. My parents are fairly well off and paid for my friends and boyfriends to holiday with us in my teens and early 20s when I was so going with them. Even now they would definitely offer to help pay in a situation like the one described here. And if you’re the better off partner in a relationship and you want to do things that cost money together then you’ve got to pay extra or you’re pressuring your partner into a lifestyle they can’t really afford. I’ve been on both sides of that equation. It’s just common sense and besides, it feels nice to treat someone you love. It’s not about freeloading or the stereotypical expectation that the man pays, it’s just obvious that if you’ve got more money you need to contribute a bit more. How on Earth is it ever supposed to become a proper marriage partnership if there’s no practicing and working out shared financial values in the dating phase? Or is shared finances in marriage also suddenly freeloading and unreasonable?

I've even had a similar situation with friends for goodness sake, where one of the friend group had young kids but the rest still childless so finances tighter for her than us — so we chipped in a bit extra. Because the other options are to do a less nice thing or exclude her, and we wanted to do the more expensive thing. That’s more on the order of £100, it would feel difficult to pay £1000 for a friend but totally fine for a long term partner.

So then the reason I imagine I wouldn’t offer to pay is that I’m not that bothered about the partner coming. And it’s plausible that he sees this as his family thing and actually doesn’t really want her there. Or at least don’t consider it essential… Well that’s fair enough. Maybe he is just happy to do his traditional trip in the usual way. Still, it’s tough that he apparently hasn’t noticed this big dream of a foreign holiday.

Can’t you just stay in his room at the hotel with him? Why do you need to pay for another room for yourself anyway?

I wouldn't feel humiliated by going on a holiday I could afford, why would I? At least you'd be paying for your own holiday, his parents are paying for his! No, I think it is quite a good idea. You're not entitled to a 5 star holiday just because you're dating someone with wealthy parents.

Because it’s an AI package and priced per person.

Simple answer here.
He is a grown man that takes from his parents. He is on a low wage job and yet he is about to spaff £18k on a car.
He will never be a giver.
Make your future choices wisely, you won’t change him.