DH sense of humour failure - do you see the issue!

[SunSeeker85]

My DH seems to have turned in to a right grumpy bugger since turning 40.

I got back from the gym yesterday where I went in the pool after - he said I hadn’t mentioned going for a swim. I jokingly replied I wasn’t planning on it but there was a football team in there so I was hoping to see some tight swimming shorts!

He sulked and said that he didn’t appreciate me joking about such things! He used to be a gym regular but barely goes now so maybe feels self conscious as he has put a bit of timber on but he knows I like that and surely anyone with a sense of humour would react to the comment the way it was intended?!

I'd have laughed. (And probably asked if they had a promising tackle)

I might make a joke like that to a girlfriend, but I wouldn't do DH. And I wouldn't expet him to find it funny. Similarly, he wouldn't make a joke like that to me.

There are couples who would absolutely find this funny, but that's not how our relationship works and I imagine it's not for a lot of people.

Just to add though - specifically commenting that you hadn't mentioned going for a swim seems a bit odd. I mean, I can easily imagine me or DH saying to the other, "oh, you went for a swim after? Didn' trealise. Nice." But it does sound a bit accusatory.

There are MN threads on at least a weekly basis about husbands and boyfriends making similar comments about women and posters are told to Ltb

My DH would have found it funny but the other way around I probably wouldn’t.

Maybe he’s more self conscious of his body than you think?

Ok, so it was a bit of a poor taste joke if he is feeling a bit insecure about himself at the moment. The important thing now is about repair. Being able to apologise and say you got it wrong, thought he would be amused given that he is the only man for you (pass the sick bucket, but if his ego is feeling bruised...). And then be able to have a conversation with him about what else is on his mind if the grump is an ongoing thing. That is the thing that really needs addressing, why is he more generally unhappy?

What you do or do not see really isn’t any of my business.

If it is the sort of comment he has found funny before then he is just being a misery.

My DH would find it funny if I said something like that and I would too if he made a similar remark.

Some uptight posters on here

I never said it was a bad thing for someone to change their mind.

What's bad IMO is to suddenly see your arse about something that used to be a very OK and reciprocal type of joke, instead of just saying "you know, I'm not sure i like that sort of joke anymore love" (or whatever)

Tbh I should probably change my comment to "shit you've changed your mind about and been a dick about it, again"

Yes, they do become grumpy buggers after the age of forty

I think I wouldn't make that sort of joke to anyone who I knew was insecure about their looks.

Then he needs to apologise too for once taking part in those sort of jokes, now not being ok with it, and for handling how he told her that pretty badly by sulking.

Oof - there goes another rib. You should be on the stage OP.

In the 1970s

If a bloke said something similar he’d be getting told he was crass and gross.

I think you’re both 🤷🏻‍♀️ your poor dh you must be exhausting to live with.

Kill about 4 birds with one stone by cooking him a nice meal to say sorry.

Sure, if you want to escalate, play tit for tat and whine that this used to be ok, why isn't it now. There may well be things he should apologise for but he isn't on MN.

It's the responsibility of the person making the joke to ensure it lands correctly.
He was probably feeling emotional or insecure when he first challenged you and coming back with that was very poor judgement.
Now you are doubling down and blaming him for taking it the wrong way.
I think there's a communication breakdown on this and you need to have a calm chat about how each of you is getting on not this kind of back and forth.

I'd have found it funny, and laughed tbh 👍

Nothing odd about it, that's normal married life chit-chat.

Ah gotcha, op needs to apologise for something that she had no idea hes now not ok with, but he doesn't need to apologise for his part in escalating it in the first place? Thats just tit for tat?

Odd thing to say. Were you looking for a reaction?

If she wants to sort things out with him, yes. Be the better person. I deliberately stated it as being a conversation opener, to get to a place of understanding about why he is now not happy with something that never used to bother him. He may well choose to apologise, but if OP asks him to, it isn't going to be very genuine is it?

That’s the kind of thing I’d say to my husband. Recent example - I agreed to a rare night out with friends - DH said he was surprised I’d agreed as I normally make an excuse. I said “yes I thought I’d go out on the pull, I’m getting on a bit so need to see if I’ve still got it”. He replied “ok, well good luck with that”. Both of us said these things with a dead pan serious delivery.

Another one was I recently found a photo of a very young me with a singer from a band - taken about 25 years ago. DH was looking at it and I said “that’s from back when I was a groupie - got through the whole band that night I did”. He replied “shame you don’t still have the same kind of energy … “ 😂

I think it’s funny. Wouldn’t bother me at all if my husband said something similar, and wouldn’t bother my husband if I said that.