DH sense of humour failure - do you see the issue!

[SunSeeker85]

My DH seems to have turned in to a right grumpy bugger since turning 40.

I got back from the gym yesterday where I went in the pool after - he said I hadn’t mentioned going for a swim. I jokingly replied I wasn’t planning on it but there was a football team in there so I was hoping to see some tight swimming shorts!

He sulked and said that he didn’t appreciate me joking about such things! He used to be a gym regular but barely goes now so maybe feels self conscious as he has put a bit of timber on but he knows I like that and surely anyone with a sense of humour would react to the comment the way it was intended?!

reminds me of shiurley ballas and her pervy comments over the male dancefs she fancies-every year she gets away with it oh isnt she funny bants" -but if anton done it hed be fired

i do accept hyou know your dh better than we do though

He used to be a gym regular but barely goes now so maybe feels self conscious as he has put a bit of timber

Sounds like you knew exactly what you were doing.

It's a good joke, most blokes would laugh.

Assuming you really meant it to be funny and not snarky you are in the right here.

(Ignoring all the posts about the reverse) What do you think has made him lose his sense of humour? Was he especially jokey/up for a laugh before? How are things with work? Family? His health? Are you worried about him?

So much depends on the underlying issues in your relationships and the dynamics. One couple might find it funny, a second wouldn't. A guy saying it to an insecure wife with weight insecurity would possibly get jumped on and I'd get that.

If someone I love said to me their feelings were hurt, it wouldn't matter how hilarious I thought I was, I'd be accountable for that. So instead of the ' wow he's just so sensitive ' approach which is minimising him and refusing to look at the underlying problem - why not look at the underlying problem. That involves taking responsibility for the fact you're being insensitive to him atm, because he's sensitive to your words for a reason.

What's going on underneath this is the issue, not the ' joke'.

So you know he is conscious of putting weight on and you still chose to make a comment that will play on his insecurities? On the face of it, it’s an ill judged comment not a nice thing for you to do.

If I had to take a guess I’d say he’s “a right grumpy bugger” because his wife is negging him. It’s unacceptable behaviour when done to anyone. Apologise and accept it was inappropriate and not funny.

If you know someone is feeling insecure, its quite insensitive to joke about something relating to their insecurity

It's not a joke, it's a sleazy demeaning comment.

However, OP, you obviously think you are hilarious and everyone that disagrees with you and doesn't get your amazing sense of humour must be boring. You are not going to agree with one single ' YABU' response are you?.

Thought so. Hes being a bit of a dick then IMO if banter like that has never been a problem.

Like I say my DP has changed and moans about stuff he never used to. When he surprises me with something like what your DH has done i just remind him it never used to be a problem and I'm not a mind reader and its now added to my mental list of "shit you've changed your mind about, again"

People are allowed to decide they don’t find things funny any more, they’re allowed to change how they feel about themselves, or feel unhappy or insecure.

just because I laughed at something once doesn’t mean I can’t change my views or feelings

Yes. Op not a mind reader though is she?

If he didn’t like it, he could have come back with “trying to punch above your weight were you?”

And what's the bet if he joked like that with you, he'll still expect you to be ok with it even though hes now apparently not 🙄

Gross, not funny. 🙄

He didn't like your sexist remark and didn't find it funny. You think you're a barrel of laughs.

Maybe he's not as grumpy as you think, maybe he's just tired of hearing you pop out sleazy remarks and thinking you're a great wit. Maybe he's played along for years and just hit his limit. Maybe he's changed.

What's the issue? You're not as funny as you think you are?

Op said they've both made similar remarks to each other in the past though.

Have you actually read the thread at all? Virtually all the comments say it isn't funny and wasn't ok.

You are right - DH should line his quackers up, get his free 30 minutes with a shit hot lawyer, find his passport etc etc

Crikey... are you okay?

The thing is, it isn't prevalent. It's always imagined by posters desperate to see hypocrisy but who aren't capable of actually reading what's in front of them - this thread being the perfect example!

For me this is about impact versus intent. You didn't intend to hurt your husband. For me that's neither here nor there. You did. If i hurt someone I care about, that bothers me. I dont try to defend it by saying the person was being over sensitive. Your husband was hurt. And so apologising for that sincerely i think is a good thing. Then after that you can look together about why he was triggered - particularly if you usually joke about these things. I would want to know why he is feeling like this recently, rather than just chalking it up to over sensitively.

In fairness I do think you need to take this a little bit more seriously OP, me & DH would laugh at jokes like this and laugh at the absurdity of the suggestion, not ACTUALLY think that is what the other was doing (perving on the opposite sex).

But if he got upset about a joke like that, which has previously been perfectly normal for our relationship and a shared joke, I'd be concerned about him not annoyed at him.

Maybe consider that this touched a nerve for some reason and be a bit more understanding about it? Did you ask him why he was bothered by the comment? Maybe there is an underlying problem that you need to talk about.

Is this thread meant to be a “gotcha” thread? People are supposed to draw the conclusion “See, women can be sexist too” or “Lighten up, anyone who objects to sexism is just uptight.” 🙄 How tedious.

He used to be a gym regular but barely goes now so maybe feels self conscious as he has put a bit of timber on but he knows I like that

Ah. So your DH is likely body conscious - but you don't care as you're not bothered, even though he clearly is bothered - so you thought you'd make a comment about perving on other men. I don't see how anyone can not see how their partner might take offence at that.

Honestly, the more I think about it, I think you knew what you were doing and you were deliberately spiteful.

Sounds like your DH isn't the only "grumpy bugger" in your relationship! 😁

I get that this isn't going the way you wanted it to but that's AIBU for you and in this case YABU.

As so many others have pointed out if the roles were reversed it would sound awful.

You say he's only been like this since turning 40....maybe he's just matured a bit - will you still be making these comments in 15 years time when you're 50 - pretending to lust after 20 somethings - gross!

I was referring more to your assertion that when your partner changes his mind it’s just “shit he’s changed his mind about again” and that because he used to laugh, having a new view is somehow bad.

but on the op, the partner did say, and instead of apologising and trying to understand what’s changes, she doubled down and made out it’s just him being over sensitive. That’s worse than the original joke