DH sense of humour failure - do you see the issue!

[SunSeeker85]

My DH seems to have turned in to a right grumpy bugger since turning 40.

I got back from the gym yesterday where I went in the pool after - he said I hadn’t mentioned going for a swim. I jokingly replied I wasn’t planning on it but there was a football team in there so I was hoping to see some tight swimming shorts!

He sulked and said that he didn’t appreciate me joking about such things! He used to be a gym regular but barely goes now so maybe feels self conscious as he has put a bit of timber on but he knows I like that and surely anyone with a sense of humour would react to the comment the way it was intended?!

Not only sometimes.

Well, it's not particularly funny.

I mean, it's a slightly weird thing to say. I'm assuming you didn't suddenly decide to go swimming because a tight-shorted contingent of footballers were in the pool, if only because a large contingent of men will play merry hell with those trying to do lengths.

Maybe he should LTB, at least that's what you would be told to do.

Meh, me and my husband have a great sense of humour but if I asked if he went swimming and he said yeah, to check out the ladies swimming team in their tight swimsuits, I'd feel like I'd been slapped in the face to be fair.

You need to apologise, it wasn't on and evidently made your husband feel like shit about himself.

It just isn't that funny, its pretty base and unimaginative.

When the reverse is posted about on here women are told it is gross and discusting and he should be told to leave and the women then goea on to say how she now has image issues and feels so bad about herself and is jealous, it's funny when it is other way round it seems

Exactly! MN is not the place to come for sympathy after a bit of light-hearted chat between adults, a sense of humour by-pass is the norm. I dread to think what many would make of the back and forth we have between friends, they'd be appalled at the mutual 'sexism'!

I think some of you are seriously having your own sense of humour failure!

It wasn't funny OP and you owe him an apology. Doubling down and accusing him of a sense of humour failure has made it worse, it's akin to men who make sleazy remarks dismissing it as " banter". A quick apology would have had it done and dusted at the time.

(a) It doesn't sound very likely that OP's 'joke' was very funny [or appropriate];

(b) This doesn't sound like something that the husband should be making a big deal of.

Yeah this. ^ Sorry @SunSeeker85 but I think YABU. What a daft thing to say. As that poster said, imagine if a man had said this to his wife (about seeing women in skimpy outfits.)

How would you feel if he made a joke about going to the pool to see babes in bikinis?

All the time? So people are saying OP isn't being unreasonable?

I agree btw - you obviously know why he didn't like the comment

It’s not a funny joke and I would find the comment hurtful if DH said it to me.

I wouldn't make a joke like that because I wouldn't like to hear it in return.

Sulking is a bit weird, he should communicate like an adult.

But YABU

I think the men versus women argument here is being blown out of proportion slightly.

If a man said it it as a joke about volleyball players in bikinis, it wouldn't automatically mean he is a sleaze.. he may just, shock horror, be joking! As OP clearly was joking about footballers, if it was real and she WAS going in there to ogle footballers in teeny shorts then it wouldn't be a joke and it wouldn't be funny to tell your partner that IMO

It ALL depends on the relationship and whether each half is respectful to the opposite sex and is saying it as a joke (as in no footballers or volleyballers were even present - but you pretended they were to make a funny) or not.

OP, he is quite obviously feeling self conscious about his weight gain, and knowing that now you should probably not joke about ogling other men to him, it's not what loving partners do to each other when they know one or the other is feeling insecure.

I’d laugh and say perving would be the closest he’d ever get to them!

Yep - we’ve made similar jokes in the past, and it’s only recently he has become uptight.

Your husband didn't have a sense of humor fail. He showed you his insecurities and you dismissed them. Let's change this to a dadsnet post....
I've been feeling rubbish about myself, age, weight, appearance all getting to me. Maybe it's my testosterone levels beginning to drop. My wife made a comment today about fancying a young football team in the pool. Really mad me feel bad and like she's not connected to how I feel at the moment.

Tbf I think a lot of posters expected double standards (not unreasonably given it’s so prevalent) but so far the thread has been fair

That comment wouldn't have bothered me, but I'm utterly secure in the knowledge that I'm gorgeous (despite being a fat, balding 40 year old bloke)

DP on the other hand would be very upset if I'd said something similar to her, so with that in mind I'm going for YABU. While men tend to be a bit less self conscious about our attractiveness in general, that doesn't make it a less shitty joke to tell.

So now you know that he currently feels vulnerable and insecure. Do you give a shit? Or is being right and scoring points off him more important than his feelings and your connection?

Were there actually footballers present OP?

As in, was it a complete joke, or were you joking about something you had actually done? Wouldn't your DH know the difference anyway?

If this was my DH and he said he didn't fancy a swim but he saw volleyballers in bikinis in there, I'd look surprised and say 'really?' and he'd say 'no, of course not, I just fancied a swim!' and we'd both laugh, but he's not a sleaze, or ogles women, so it would have been a complete joke in our relationship.

And does his becoming uncomfortable with that kind of joke matter to you or should he just lighten up and get over it?

It's ok, you're not a terrible person all of a sudden, but if he doesn't find it funny anymore that's ok too.

All you need to do is apologise and not do it again, maybe look out for other signs that he's feeling vulnerable/unhappy. Don't take it personally either, sometimes life gets us down and we stop feeling good about ourselves, it doesn't have to be anyone's fault. Just listen to him, don't try to fix him.