Daughter refusing school move - how to get through this

[Corilee2806]

I could really use some advice and reassurance. We’ve decided to move our children (6 year old DD/4 year old DS) to a new primary school. I know deep down it’s the right decision, but I’m crumbling under the weight of her resistance.

She’s bright, likely neurodivergent (in the middle of assessments) and often presents as fine at school - compliant and fairly quiet, but we see the cost at home. For months now, she’s had constant tummy aches, particularly at bedtime, which escalated around a month or so ago with hospital visits and multiple trips to the GP and time off school, but no physical cause found so it’s assumed to be anxiety. She says she doesn’t want to go to school, it’s a battle to get her in every day and we’ve had more than one disclosure of children being unkind or physically rough including a recent incident where a boy put his hands around her neck and another ongoing case of a child threatening her daily, which we reported as a safeguarding concern but nothing has been done. She is meant to have a pastoral support plan but we haven’t seen much evidence of this.

Despite her teacher being kind, the wider support isn’t there. It’s clear the current setting just doesn’t get her and she’s not safe socially. In the last year her friendship circle has really changed and she doesn’t play with many of her old friends. When things were at their worst she said she didn’t want to be alive anymore.

We’ve found a smaller, more nurturing school that feels like a much better fit. They have space now, so we’ve submitted the in-year transfer forms. Her brother will move too and he is young enough to be ok with it.

But she’s now saying on repeat, her tummy hurts and she’s not moving schools. Meltdowns every night. Threats not to get in the car. It’s relentless. And it’s only directed at me - she’s not saying this to her dad.

I know this is about fear and loss of control. But it’s absolutely breaking me. We’ve done all the prep, met the new teachers, showed her photos, talked about uniform and lunchboxes, given her a sense of agency where possible. She loved it when she was there. I know the change is scary for her.

I know we have to be calm and hold the boundary but I’m doubting myself so much. Should I just keep going with the plans and deal with the upset?

Sorry didn’t realise how long this had got - thanks to anyone who reads

Absolutely push on. Of course she's anxious with all she's been through but it can't be worse than where she is and highly likely it'll be a lot better, might take some time to settle but you are absolutely totally right to be moving her. She's just terrified of the change.

Hello lovely
Did not want you left unread.
I'd move her, yes and hang on in there.
School refusal based on anxiety/from ASC is a bloody nightmare and I feel your pain.
Any chance her Dad can do the getting ready/school run during the transition period?
The old school sound crap especially around safeguarding.
Is she due to start new school Sept? Is the next couple of weeks bedding in and is it a must?

Well that’s another thing we’re struggling with given where we are in the school year - is it best to do it in the last few weeks of term or should we wait for a fresh start in September?

I know it’s the right thing, just really wish she wasn’t finding it all so hard. It’s making me doubt everything she’s been through in the last few months which is crazy as what she’s experienced is not something I ever thought a 6 year old would go through. The school have been awful and also haven’t supported my son who is also ND but they are refusing to see that too.

Just move her and don’t talk about it.
You have to make the best decision for her, she is only a small child and can’t make these decisions. She will be fine just do it quickly and no more talking about it. all the best x

I agree with the other posters OP, it sounds like while she might not like it, your DD needs this change, so I think you really do have to push on through with it. I dare say that you've been the one who's handled the problems at her current school, and in a round about way, she probably feels that you getting involved has made things worse, which is why she's angry at you. So if her Dad can help, I really think he needs to step up, and help both you, and her through this. Please DON'T doubt yourself, it really does sound like you're making the right decision.

I would like to not talk about it or get into any debates but one of her struggles is she gets into loops, I guess anxiety based, which peak at bedtime. She’ll just start saying she’s not going and I can’t make her over and over. I need a script or a way of shutting it down - if it was daytime I would redirect or distract but hard when she’s meant to be sleeping. That’s a really good suggestion to get my husband to take a lead in this transition - for her I’ve very much been involved in all the conversations and appointments since she’s been having these problems and I’m her person she confides in but also maybe I’m too close to it.

it is hard as well in that I’m not good at change - she’s been going to this school since she was nearly 3 and it’s part of our community. But things have soured, it’s so disappointing. I know several other families who’ve moved to the smaller school for similar reasons though and never regretted it, so holding onto that.

I have an autistic daughter and we moved her in year 3 it was very difficult for her but she did settle eventually

Give she maybe is nd you need to accept that this is just something that will.be very difficult for her. There is no way round it. I understand you want an easier route but there just won't.be one.

This is the worst time of year for anxious kids so much change .

Just slog on and stay calm it's nearly the end of term.then try to give the subject a rest

If she needs to move then she needs to.

Be prepared that being realistic if she is Nd she may also have struggles at the next school

Sorry op huge sympathies. These kids have a rocky road but you are trying a new setting and that is just part of the path to finding what is right for her

My friends daughter has additional needs and had her heart set on a particular school, all her friends were going there. Her mother knew the right school for her was elsewhere but the daughter cried and cried and cried for months begging the mother and pleading with her, it was heartbreaking.

she had she almost caved in, she came to me and I said the same thing ‘she is not able to make this decision so you have to do it for her.’

She didn’t cave in and sent her to them the right school FOR HER. It is hard being a parent sometimes but ultimately you are doing this for her, because you love her. Don’t bend, do the best thing for her and move her.

My friends daughter did absolutely brilliantly at that school by the way, and after one day there, was absolutely in love with the place and never mentioned the other school again!

You can do this, stay strong!

Well that’s another thing we’re struggling with given where we are in the school year - is it best to do it in the last few weeks of term or should we wait for a fresh start in September?

I'd do it now if you can and hope that she likes it when she gets there. Otherwise she's got the summer holidays to get herself even more worked up about the change.

It’s so hard - but this has really helped me remind myself that it is the right thing and I have to stay strong. Big picture long term thinking. I know the current situation can’t continue or she will just be more traumatised.

and yes, it is possible the problems could continue at the new school. I just have more confidence that problems would be nipped in the bud or at least she would be listened to more. And it’s a lot smaller so things would be more visible in the playground I feel which is where a lot of things seem to be happening.

Have you considered home schooling her? This could be a good break, until she has regained her sense of self, calmed down and had a period of stability. Then push forward with the new school. All this change and upset is a lot for someone so young.

I could of wrote this post 12 months ago. Except the assessment for ND but right down to the stomach aches at bedtime
I opted to start a new school year at a new school, and with the term being so close to ending all the fun end of year activities was a nice way to tie off leaving one school and ready to start a new one with a break in-between.
My DD didn't want to move, at all, and I was worried but it's been the best decision. There are so downsides, we can no longer get to school without the car but I've not once regretted it and my DD is thriving and so much less anxious.
You have to decide what's best for her long term and trust your instincts.

Do it now. There is no point letting her anxiety grow over the summer holidays.

My 6 year old is also moving school and we are moving her now to have a few weeks of summer fun, meet her classmates etc and be familiar with the school before she starts a new school year.

Does your DD have a favourite toy or bedtime book that you could use to break the loop? i.e. when she starts ‘looping’ you maybe say ‘we’ll talk about this in the morning, shall we read xxx?’ Another option might be a music track that she finds soothing? (We virtually wore out our CD of Albatross when DD was young as it was the only thing that calmed her) Difficult I know if they are ND and struggling.

FWIW we moved our DD between high schools during the last 6 weeks of yr 7. She was absolutely worried sick during the couple of weeks leading up to the swap but after the first day she was fine.

Big hugs, hopefully once the change is made she’ll settle and thrive for you x

You've clearly thought very carefully about the decision and it sounds like a great opportunity. It's also a good sign that she is able to confide in you with the things she's not speaking openly to everyone else about yet.

Remember that it's common with young children to have a different sense of time than we have, and for people with autism, anxiety and other neurodiversities to have difficulties with transitions.

I understand your predicament regarding the timing, but I'd probably make the time between the decision to move, and the actual move, as short as possible. Even just missing the final week with the old school to attending a day or two with the new school may alleviate some of her worries. Otherwise you may find that the fear of the unknown is in the background throughout the long summer break.

I hope everything works out. I've been there with school refusal, it can be really hard on the parent too.

If she is autistic, change is especially difficult. That doesn’t mean moving schools is a bad idea. If this is the right school make the switch and get her settled.

just remember that you can’t keep chasing the perfect school. Not that one change says you are going to do this.

She's six. She can't refuse to go to a new school. She's not old enough for that kind of agency. She can make it difficult, and being ND (if that does end up being the case) she can make it extremely difficult. But ultimately she doesn't have a say, as long as you commit to what you're doing.

It may not work every day and unfortunately in this country (unless you're in a position to pay) you'll have to fight and wait and fight some more to get the correct support for her.

But you can't stop fighting.

The difficulty in accessing funding/support/understanding for circumstances like yours has led to this defeatist, towel-throwing culture of writing ND kids off, and it's not fair on anyone. "If I tell him to do X, he'll have a meltdown." "She refuses to go to Y." "He doesn't understand Z like other kids."

All of those things may be true, but ND isn't an excuse to stop tying until you find a way that works. Very few people are completely incapable of adapting in even the smallest way.

You wouldn't let a 6 year old NT kid refuse a change in schools, so why treat an ND kid differently? The only difference is the approach taken and the effort required.

One thing is for sure: If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

She doesn’t get a choice she’s 6

Move her and Like others have said get dad more involved. EBSA is awful . My now nrly 14 aUdhd chikd is on her 3rd secondary. Make sure as soon as she starts
,or before they put a SEN plan in place for her. * she doesn't need to be diagnosed

“Let’s give it a year at the new school then if you’re still unhappy we’ll review it then”.

my mum said this to persuade me to move. I never looked back.

Also asked for a staggered transition. *few more visits before she starts and maybes join a local group to find parents and children who go to that school so she can make some friends before joining? Neurodiverse kids need to feel that they are in charge so try and get her involved in all the decisions. In the long term it sounds like a better move and fingers crossed she settles.

Hi OP,

I really feel for you. It's heartbreaking when your child is so upset about going to school and nothing you can say seems to help.

I think you have to accept that you're not going to be able to persuade her that it's a good idea, or that it will be OK. She just wants everything to be OK at her current school and she is too young to understand that isn't an option.

Don't engage in discussions about the school at bedtime. Acknowledge her feelings but don't refer to any decisions "I know you're upset/angry/sad - do you want a warm pad for your tummy/cuddle with Teddy?"

In many cases, the transition is the hardest time for an autistic child. When the change is coming up, it's anxiety-inducing - and it doesn't actually matter what the change might be. It could even be something amazing that the child really, really likes - but just the mere fact of a change is enough to cause deep anxiety.

With that in mind, I would move her ASAP. The shortest possible transition time that you can. We have a sweet spot between giving our DC enough notice to manage the transition, but not so much that it gives them time to worry.

If it's possible to start a phased transition right away, that might help. But it might also be more confusing. It really depends on the child. It depends on her capacity to understand what's going on. There's a risk that she might think that is the new normal - some time at her new school and some time at her old school, and then get confused when she suddenly stops having time at her old school. We made the mistake of not explicitly telling DS that he was now at his new school permanently and after his first day and all the upset of getting him there, he was very happy at home - until he realised he had to go back again the next day!!

I think once your DD starts her new school and is through the transition, there's a very good chance she'll be fine.

Speaking as an autistic woman myself, I can tell you upcoming change feels genuine awful. Truly, truly awful. But when it's taken place, it's nearly always totally fine! It's just the transitional period with upcoming change that is so hard.

I also have two autistic DC and I moved them in Y1 from a larger school with excellent facilities to a much smaller school that was outstanding for SEN. Best move we ever made, even though it was hard to get through it.

You are doing the right thing. However, as per PP, I would caution against assuming that a small school will be the perfect solution. Some smaller schools just don't have the necessary staffing or resources to support a SEN child the way they need. It's worth just keeping that in mind.

When my DC were 10, in Y5, we switched to home educating them and it's worked brilliantly for us. Most of the other DC in our home education group are also SEN. I'm not saying it's the right option for you, but it's something to bear in mind if the new school doesn't work out. As an ex school governor, I never expected to be home educating but here we are!

Best of luck 💐

I would move her now so she might be able to get to know a few kids she could meet up with over the holidays and it doesn’t give her months to get more anxious about it (and keep on at you to change your mind). I have moved kids a few times, never regretted it as I was better placed as an adult to make those kinds of decisions. I’m not a dictator but I am a parent willing to do the job (and the kids thanked me later).